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As the old saying goes, “Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”

Does it, really?  Case in point, in the U.S. some air travellers felt the sensation of plummeting 1000s when a chunk of the roof tore off their plane.

In that situation, I would do what YOU would do.  You would calmly return your tray table and seat to thier upright positions as you calmly scream your head off and calmly make a mess in your shorts.  You would no doubt calmly brace for impact and calmly congratulate yourself for paying attention to the exits notification prior to the flight.

Or…

As you lose elevation and the oxygen mask springs down in front of your face, you would curse the Wright brothers and promise to kick their behinds in the afterlife for revolutionizing man’s unnatural ability of flight while simultaneously questioning why knowing the exits even exist is important when you’re hurtling toward Earth like a meteor and the plane has a 100% chance of being reduced to dust upon impact.

But, by miracle your plane safely lands and when you step off the plane the first thing your acknowledge is that this entire incident (which didn’t kill you) made you stronger.

False.

In truth, your exact words would be, “I’m never doing that again!”  Hitchhiking rural range roads across country would feel safer than what you just experienced, no doubt.

Here’s advice for owners of bus companies like Grey Hound and Red Arrow.  Post newspaper clippings all over the depot of every plane crash and malfunction ever recorded.  Create commercials of people reliving the horror of their plane convulsing and the night terrors they have endured since.  Then you finish off the commercial by simply displaying your bus depot logo.  That’s what I would do if I owned a bus depot. 

You know those self-lacing shoes Marty McFly wore in Back To The Future 2?  Well, the future is almost now.

Nike has seemingly won the race to invent self-lacing shoes and have filed a patent for sneakers with its own lacing system.

The straps on your runners will be loosened or tightened with a button near the heel. 

Is the hover board next?  Someone is working on it but so far it only goes up and down.  

As for a hover board, which was also shown In Back To The Future 2, an artist has been working on one but so far it only goes up and down.  The movie was set in 2015 so there’s still time to make the movie accurate.

Welcome back students and school zones! 

Today on the show we spoke about Rosie “needing” to buy 50 pencils for his daughter Paige.  It was on the “list.” 

To this day i still recall “needing” 7 different types of erasers for grade 2.  SEVEN.  I suppose it was the first year we started working with pen’s so we needed an 2 ink erasers, 3 for pencils (which confused me since pencils came with erasers on them) and 2 others that I can’t ever recall what their use was for.  

On day 1 of school, when the teacher - a lovely Oriental woman named Mrs. Kim – saw them lined up on my desk she said, “Why so many eraser?  You make lotta mistake?” 

Being a perfectionist at heart, clearly this traumatized me until two days later when I proved to her (by acing a pop-quiz) that no, I don’t make a lot of mistakes (at least back then I didn’t).  After that, we got along famously and to this day I remember her as one of my favorite teachers ever. 

Take warning though, teachers; if I happened to have even gotten a B on that pop quiz, I would have forever been convinced that yes, I guess I do make a lot of mistakes and am therefore a horrible student who would mostly likely drop out by grade 6.  Your students are fragile; treat ‘em with care… unless they egg or t.p. your car.

To give you the Cole’s Notes of it all, shortly after midnight Saturday 9 vehicles in South Lethbridge were set ablaze.  $80,000 of damage is estimated and it could have been a lot worse as one vehicle had propane stored in it.  Thankfully it did not go kaboom.  A 27 year-old was apprehended fleeing the scene and either will be or has been charged.  What I found intersting is that all the vehicles set on fire had one thing in common – they were all unlocked.  EVERY WEEK we get reports from Lethbridge police of vehicle break-ins without any ‘breaking’ taking place because the vehicles are unlocked.  Maybe THIS will finally get the message through to Lethbridge residents.

A rat found in a back alley in Calgary has sent “Rat Free” Alberta in damage control.  The province immediately combatted reports of the rat by declaring it was “too white” to be a wild rat and therefor must have been a domestic one, meaning a household pet.  They even went as far as lightly threatening anyone who dare bring a rat into Alberta as pet or otherwise.

I haven’t looked at a Alberta Tourism pamphlet lately but I have to assume it reads:  ”Visit Alberta.  We have NO rats!  Oh, and there’s a giant mall and some mountains.”  If we are that proud of being rat free, then perhaps violence toward those who dare infest our province with the presence of one or several rats is warranted by the government funded Anti-Rat Strike Force of Alberta.

You haven’t heard of the A.R.S.F.A.?  Well, it’s their job to patrol all four borders to make sure rats don’t enter from the prairies of Montana and Saskatchewan, the mountains of British Columbia, or the forests and frozen tundra of NWT (artic varmin are as big as seals).  Their policy is “shoot first; ignore questions later.”

To become a member, contact your local A.R.S.F.A. office.  They will immediately arm you with explosives and chemical warfare ammenities.  Enjoy!

Vincent

It was announced that myself and Rosie are seeking office. We would like to be your next Prime Ministers. Yes, simultaneously. That way we only have to work half the time. And we want to take turns living at 24 Sussex Drive. It would like having a time-share on the property.

To be honest, we haven’t really nailed down a platform for the campaign. We figure it’s more important to find the right theme song for the campaign first then the rest will just fall into place. So if you have any suggestions for not just a good campaign song but a GREAT one, then click the headline above or phone us up during the show (5:30-9am). We will announce the winner selection on the next show.

If you’re really creative and you want to make a logo for our party then we would forever be greatful and would easily give you all the perks possible should we get into office. We are the Independant Party of Vincent & Rosie.

Thank you for your support. As a token of appreciation, here is the link to watching the brother Noel of Oasis getting popped off stage.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to see comedian DJ Hazard at the Blarney Stone. Show time is 9pm.

Dave Freeman, co-author of “100 Things to Do Before You Die,” a travel guide and ode to odd adventures that inspired readers and imitators, died after hitting his head in a fall at his home. He was 47. Sure, he maybe didn’t cross off all 100 things on his list but the main thing is he lived his life trying to cross off all 100 things on his list. You can’t control your departure date. You can only try to accomplish what you can before that day comes.

Let’s hear from you. Give me 3 things you would like to do (or have already done) before you die.

I’ll provide some examples.

Write a screenplay
Rock a moustache
Own a motorcycle
Attend a NFL game
Learn an instrument
Convince Rosie that flip flops on guys is wrong
Travel Canada coast to coast
Fight a bear… or big foot (I’ll put this last on my list)
White Water Raft
Stand at the top of a mountain
Meet my favorite athlete of all time in person

Some of these things I have accomplished, others I have yet to do. Give me your list. I’m asking for 3 but feel free to ramble off however many come to mind. Just click the headline above to leave your list.

Vincent

Your bonus code for today: BIGFOOT

Has your boss ever joked that a monkey could do your job? Turns out meteoroligists can be replaced by, not monkeys, pigs. Rather, pig intestines.

According to a very old (and wise) man in North Dakota, you can predict what the weather will be by consulting pig spleens.

This guy guts the pig and stares at the brown, glistening, foot-long organs on his kitchen counter to come up with his prediction.

If the spleen is wide where it attaches to the pig’s stomach and then narrows, it means winter weather will come early with a mild spring. A narrow-to-wider spleen usually means harsh weather in the spring. According to the pig spleen prognasticator, “The spleens are 85% correct.”

Not bad. If you consider that meteorologists seem to be about 15% right, they are 100% correct between the two of them.

For 2008, the pig spleens predict, “a normal year with no major storms. That’s what the spleens tell me.”

Bonus code today is “Pig Spleen”

Enjoy.

Vincent

Today’s bonus code is JERKY and here’s why:

Provincial Hunting Day has been declared been declared in Alberta. Can’t believe it didn’t already exist. It’s happening Sept 22nd which doesn’t give you a lot of time to go out and get a gun (legally) to celebrate Provincial Hunting Day. Guess I’ll have to use my steak knife.

It is interesting to see cultural and social differences around the world. For example, in Russia they have declared Make-a-baby Day to encourage a population boom while we here in Alberta have declared Kill-an-animal Day. Remind me again, is it Albertans or Russians who are lovingly referred to as ‘rednecks’? I’m not judging, just observing.

I have nothing against hunting and living off the land. However, I think calling it a sport is a joke. Yes, it takes skill to track an animal and aim a rifle and hit your intended target – I happily acknowledge that. But until you give the animal a weapon and make it an even playing field can you really call it a sport. I suppose it’s how you defind the word. For me, a sport is an activity that all participants can enjoy win or lose. Somehow, if moose and deer could talk, I don’t think they’d saying running away from bullet that can snuff their existance is “fun.”

Again, nothing wrong with hunting. In fact, if you score an animal on the Sept 22nd and wanna pass some jerky my way I’m all over it.

Vincent