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Archive for April, 2011

“Terminator” Became True Yesterday!!!

Wednesday, April 20th, 2011

A great machine once said, “I need your hat, your bike, your boots and your clothes.” 

That machine was Arnie in the movie Terminator depicting a future where machine will battle humans and take over the world.  That future is now!

According the Terminator: the Sarah Connor Chronicles tv series, last night at 8:11pm(April 19, 2011) is when Skynet became self aware and started the war between man and machine.

Just a fictional story, you scoff.  Don’t.  Today, for the first time ever, a robot will throw out the first pitch at a Phillies baseball game.

It has begun.

If Spring was a computer program….

INSTALLING SPRING…

███████████████░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░ 44% DONE.

Install delayed….please wait.

Installation failed. Please try again.

404 error: Season not found.

Season “Spring” cannot be located.

The season you are looking for might have been removed, had its name changed, or is temporarily unavailable.

Please try again.

Apparently a lot of us are doing these wrong.  In our defense, I don’t of any ‘how to’ books for any of these tasks (except, perhaps, the last one).

Thanks to Rock listener Rachael for sending me this list.  She got it from cracked.com.

Bathing: Showering or bathing is socially required, yes, but hot water and all that soap and scrubbing strips off protective skin.  That leaves us more vulnerable to disease.  So shower less, “they” say; less than 7 times a week.  There are times I shower three times a day.  Guess I should stop.  Skipping showers let’s skin repair properly.  Just think of b.o. as nature’s cologne.

Breathing: Nature’s plan for for us to breath slower.  We tend to be shallow chest breathers (our chest heaves when we breath) but we should be abdominal breathers.   “Inflate” your stomach as you breathe in, not your chest.  You’ll get more oxygen to the body and that means more energy.

Sleeping: 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep is a load of manure.  It’s better (and used to be more prevelent in society) to have 2 naps at night.  Sleep up to 5 hours, wake up and hang for an hour or so, then doze off again and get the remainder of the 8 hours you need.

Pooping: There are generally 3 positions: sitting on a high toilet, sitting on a lower one and squatting (like a catcher in baseball).  Pooping is quicker and more efficient if you squat.  Those who were asked to try it in a research group said squatting made it “easier.”  Squatting toilets are actually easily found today… just not in North America. 

Remember what I said about the ‘how to’ books at the start of this blog?  Once I was roaming around Chapters and came across a ‘how to go No. 2 in the woods.’  It was 100 pages thick.  I assume page one was a quick description of how to do it; page two would be an illustration; pages 3-100 would then be detachable toilet paper squares to use. 

It’s the most common phrase uttered by accident victims involving motorcycles.  “I didn’t even see him.”

That was the same statement police received this weekend after an SUV collided with a motorcycle that resulted in the death of the rider and his passenger.

It’s a terrifying reality of riding two wheels; even if the accident isn’t your fault, your body will pay the price.  I became a rider last spring after taking a course at Lethbridge College which I highly recommend to every rider – new or seasoned vet.  You learn defensive techniques that WILL save your life.  It has already saved mine. 

Last autumn I was riding along McMaster Blvd. West behind a sedan a decent distance ahead of me when it pulled over to the side of the road.  Something seemed odd in the behaviour because there was no house or storefront at this juncture of the road.  I eased off the throttle and stared at the driver to gauge what their next move was.  A second later, without performing a shoulder check, the woman cranked the wheel and hit the gas to whip around with a u-turn right in my path.

Applying the defense techniques taught in the safety course, I was able to bring the bike to a sudden stop less than a foot from the car’s hood without putting the bike down.  The woman eventually saw me mid-u-turn and slammed on her breaks which  helped prevent me from going airborne.

It would have been nice for her to step out of the car to apologize and make sure I was okay, but, since I was a mean looking biker, perhaps she felt best to keep the doors locked and simply mouth the word “sorry” three times.  I could tell she was sincere (and embarassed), but it was just another reminder that her mistake could have resulted in my injury or death.

While you may not die, you will have to live with the guilt of knowing your neglegance led to someone else’s death.  Let’s prevent that.  Bikes are very small in comparison to 4 wheeled vehicles so look for them.  Just glancing to see if the way is clear isn’t enough.  You need LOOK.  Don’t shoulder-glance.  Shoulder-check.  The biker is also required to do his or her part by trying to avoid your blindspots.  If we all agree to be attentive, the roads will be much more safer this spring, summer and fall.  Happy drivin’ and happy ridin’.  Safe travels no matter what mode of transportation you’re cruisin’ with.

Thoughts and prayers for the family and friends of the two fellow riders lost this weekend.

If I owned a bus depot…

Monday, April 4th, 2011

As the old saying goes, “Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”

Does it, really?  Case in point, in the U.S. some air travellers felt the sensation of plummeting 1000s when a chunk of the roof tore off their plane.

In that situation, I would do what YOU would do.  You would calmly return your tray table and seat to thier upright positions as you calmly scream your head off and calmly make a mess in your shorts.  You would no doubt calmly brace for impact and calmly congratulate yourself for paying attention to the exits notification prior to the flight.

Or…

As you lose elevation and the oxygen mask springs down in front of your face, you would curse the Wright brothers and promise to kick their behinds in the afterlife for revolutionizing man’s unnatural ability of flight while simultaneously questioning why knowing the exits even exist is important when you’re hurtling toward Earth like a meteor and the plane has a 100% chance of being reduced to dust upon impact.

But, by miracle your plane safely lands and when you step off the plane the first thing your acknowledge is that this entire incident (which didn’t kill you) made you stronger.

False.

In truth, your exact words would be, “I’m never doing that again!”  Hitchhiking rural range roads across country would feel safer than what you just experienced, no doubt.

Here’s advice for owners of bus companies like Grey Hound and Red Arrow.  Post newspaper clippings all over the depot of every plane crash and malfunction ever recorded.  Create commercials of people reliving the horror of their plane convulsing and the night terrors they have endured since.  Then you finish off the commercial by simply displaying your bus depot logo.  That’s what I would do if I owned a bus depot.