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Archive for January, 2011

Remember this commercial?

Friday, January 28th, 2011

Before we stroll down commercial memory lane, let’s set this up. 

The NHL All-star draft is taking place tonight and the buzz is all about who will be selected last.  Oh, the shame; a millionaire’s ego blugeoned.  The answer depends on the strategys employed. 

If you’re selecting players based on effectiveness to win in the game, David Backes of the St. Louis Blues is a candidate to be last overall simply because his hard-hitting, grind-in-the-corners style won’t be necessary or welcomed in the relaxed game such as Sunday’s will be.

If the draft, as schoolyards often have, turns into a popularity contest, the look for Corey Perry of the Anaheim No Longer Mighty Ducks to be around until the very end.  He’s having a really season and will actually be chosen fairly high via strategy #1 mentioned above.  But in terms of popularity among peers, Perry has none.  The guy picked a fight with the most gentlemanly player in the NHL for the past decade Pavel Datsyuk, for crying out loud.  Sure, his Anaheim teammates love him because they don’t have to play against him.  Perhaps that’s another argument in taking him early.  Perry himself predicts that if selections are based on friendship, he’s expecting to be possibly be last in line.   If so, look out.  Perry will then show up Sunday with a vengence and leave with the MVP of the All-star game and the fancy car that goes along with it.

What do I base that prediction on?  This classic commercial, of course: 

The Greatest Movie

Wednesday, January 26th, 2011

First off, Happy 50th to The Great One, though he likes it when I call him Wayne.  But enough about the greatest hockey player, let’s focus on the greatest movie… of 2010… allegedly.

Oscar noms came out this week and “The King’s Speech” registered 9 nominations altogether including Best Picture.  But is it?  Of the 10 movies selected for that category, I have only seen two of them so I’m not the ideal person to determine who should receive that award.  All I can do is share with you what I know.  I haven’t seen “The King’s Speech” but from what I gather it’s about a burger tycoon.  Burger royalty, in fact.  He’s also mute; thereby his ‘speech’ is unspoken.  That’s what makes the movie so powerful and worthy of oscar nominations.  He says all there is to say with an oversized smile on his oversized head.

That’s the King arriving at the premiere of his film last year.  Look at those peasants wearing rags in the background, no doubt looking for handouts. 

Based on what I know of this silent film, I’d say yes, the silent film known as “The King’s Speech” must be the greatest film of 2010.  The other 9 selections don’t have a chance.

Side note:  somehow the Academy forgot to nominate A-Team for best picture, the only film that could dethrone the King’s Speech.  Hollywood politics, man, Hollywood politics.


The Chinese think of everything

Friday, January 21st, 2011

Sure, traffic may be slow from time to time in Lethbridge, but not too often will it jam.

In China, which I believe holds 80-85% of the world’s population, traffic jams are common place; even at 3am, I presume.  You may recall one traffic jam last year that lasted for, not 9 hours,  9 days.  Yes, days.  Nine of them.

Now, for $60, when you’re stuck in China traffic you can dial up a service and two guys will track you down via motorcycle.  One of those fellas takes your place behind the wheel of your car while you hop on the back of the motorbike and scoot off to your important appointment.

That’s pretty a good solution.  What would be better is if inventors would get off their lazy butts and come up with flying cars.  We should all be driving like the Jetsons by now.  Or skip that altogether and go right to the Star Trek teleporter.  Instead, they’re too busy trying to bring back the Wooly Mammoth (see previous blog entry for that story).

A Cat Summoned for Jury Duty

Wednesday, January 19th, 2011

How funny is this?  Sal Esposito of Boston, like many good Americans, has been summoned for jury duty.  Sal, unlike many good Americans, is a cat.

The mix up occurred simply because his owners listed him on their 2010 census under ”pets.” 

What’s funnier, the owners actually had to officially file a form to disqualify their cat Sal from jury duty on the grounds that he is unable to speak or understand English.

What’s funniest, the court rejected the request and Sal the cat will have to report to jury duty on March 23rd.

Can you imagine benig a fellow jury member and there’s a cat sitting beside you during the proceedings?  Sal will be lickin’ his paws (or other refinements), interrupting proceedings as he coughs up a hair ball.

What happens when they break for lunch?  From what I understand (based purely on the Hollywood film Runaway Jury) everyone eats the same meal.  So, will Sal have to eat a sandwich or will the rest of the jury have to eat Whiskas?

And what if the jury elects Sal to be the jury foreman?  The judge will ask, “Did you find the defendant guilty or not guilty?”  Sal will stand and reply, “meow.”

The wooly mammoth, extinct for several millenia, could be brought back to life in a little as 4 years due to a breakthrough in cloning technology.

Memo to scientists:  Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.

If you think hitting a moose on the highway is potentially devastating, wait until you collide with one of these big boys.

Wooly Mammoth

Death by hairy elephant will soon be listed among many crash reports. 

But the worst part is how scientists are spitting in the faces of ancient hunters who worked extremely hard eradicate the mammoth the first time around.  My great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandad died happy knowing the planet was void of those “wretched beasts.”  Well, I guess my great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandad will soon be rolling over in his grave… assuming archaelogists haven’t exumed him already. 

Hey scientists, how about you unextinct my great-(x8)-grandad?

And the most popular aroma is…

Monday, January 17th, 2011

Here’s another extremely important poll scientists deemed necessary to conduct.  And research says these are the most popular scents: 

5. Babies.
4. A wood fire.
3. Lavender.
2. Rain.
1. Baking bread.

Needless to say, Babies at #5 caught me off guard.  That’s not a reflex answer of wonderful smells of the world.  Who walks into the room, inhales deep and says, “Is that the delicious aroma of baby?”  No one.  While baby powder is pleasant, that’s far different than babies (aka. dirty diapers).

My world doesn’t really consist of a lot of lavender so I’ll have to take peoples word on that one.  Other enjoyable scents = bacon, burning deisel, hockey locker room, sambuca, gun-shot residue, a salt water ocean.  Those are a few that come to mind, anyhow.

Never the Dutch Oven.

Illegal Baby Names

Friday, January 14th, 2011

Listen up soon-to-be parents.  The Pope has declared war on baby names.  Branding your newborn after celebrities, fruit or popular cars is not pontiff-approved.  He’s calling out you, Gweneth Paltrow and Chris Martin (child named Apple).Here’s a list: 10 illegal baby names.

Lose Weight WITHOUT exercise or dieting

Monday, January 10th, 2011

Rosie has resolved to lose weight this year BUT wants to accomplish that WITHOUT exercising or altering his poor diet.

Good news, Rosie, because here’s how to do it:  Roundworm eggs.

Sadly, it’s so tough to get a job in China for women that only thin ones are getting hired (for reasons I don’t know).  Because of this, female students have begun eating roundworm eggs.  Those eggs then hatch in their stomach and feed on body fat allowing the loss of pounds without exercise or dieting.  HOORAY!  EXCEPT… it’s extremely dangerous.  That’s what medical experts say, anyhow.  They didn’t really elaborate on why it was dangerous but I’ll take their word for it.

Meanwhile, other students are buying a special soap that somehow magically makes you skinny.  As a result, some users are showering up to 10 times a day so they get skinny quicker.  Would it not be easier to do a couple jumping jacks and sit ups?

Obviously, I can’t condone either practice.  If, however, you ignore the warning a try either method, be sure to report the results to me. 

The 2010 Darwin Awards

Friday, January 7th, 2011

Our good pal Charles Darwin has released his awards for Dumb Deaths of 2010.  And the ”winners” are: 

• A disabled man in South Korea who, annoyed that an elevator closed and departed without him, proceeded to ram his wheelchair into the doors not once, not twice, but 3 times … causing them to abruptly open and send him plunging down the now-empty elevator shaft to his death.

• A young couple driving on Brazil’s busy Via Dutra freeway, who decided to park their car for ‘dating’ (if you know what we mean) in the right lane during a heavy morning fog. Of course, a huge transport truck came by and ran right over the car, immediately killing both for a ‘Double Darwin’.

• When one of a pair of hunters slid over the edge of a glacier his partner shouted out, “Are you OK?” Getting an affirmative answer he promptly slid over the edge as well, only to discover his ‘friend’ dangling from the lone tree on the cliff edge. The second hunter shot right past the first … to his doom on the rocks 100 feet below.

• Two race car crew members poured 4 gallons of methanol into a 55-gallon barrel, then sat on top of it and … lit it. Apparently they thought the barrel would slide across the parking lot like a rocket sled, creating an exciting thrill ride. Instead, it blew up beneath them and the 2 dummies landed in a Seattle hospital.

Men Have Fat Days Too

Wednesday, January 5th, 2011

 45% of those who answered a poll question say they are trying to lose lbs. in 2011.  That includes a lot of fellas.  There’s a reason for that; men have ‘fat days’ too.

 Studies reveal that men are just as likely to suffer ‘fat days’ feeling less confident about their appearance and suffering from low self esteem.  Of 5000 men surveyed, a third of them say that feeling unattractive = less confidence in the bedroom.

 Interestingly, only a quarter of those men would consider losing weight to rectify that situation.  The other 75% will just go on living with fat and without sex.  Really guys?  You’d rather give up sex than that daily cheeseburger?  Yes, eating is easier than exercising, but sex is more fun than fast food.  If you disagree with that, then bon appetit.