Doesn’t register until he passes a second sign… SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS – HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION – 5 MILES 

He rings the bell and a nun in a long black habit opens the door.  “What may we do for you my son?”

“I saw your signs along the highway, and I’m interested…”
“Very well, please follow me”.  She leads him through many winding passages and soon he’s totally lost.  They come to another door with another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup.  “Please place $100 in the cup, then go through the wooden door at the end of the hallway.”

He finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign.

YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.   

———-

He called them into his shop, ‘I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won’t take no for an answer.’

He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were off!

About a month later the little old lady came in to his shop.

‘And how did you like your holiday?’ he asked eagerly.

‘The flight was exciting and the room was lovely,’ she said. ‘I’ve come to thank you, but one thing puzzled me. Who was that old bugger I had to share the room with?’

———–

A customer asked, “In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?”

The clerk asks, “Are you Polish?”

The guy is clearly offended.  “Yes I am.  But let me ask you something”.

“If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?  Or if I’d asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?  Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
“Well…no, I probably wouldn’t have”.

“So what possessed you to ask me if I was Polish then?”

“Because you’re in Home Depot.”

———-

The second guy speaking very slowly says,  “I  w..a..s   a..l..m..o..s..t   m..a..r..r…i..e..d.”

“Hey” says the first guy.  “You don’t stutter anymore!”

“I   w..e..n..t   t..o   a  d..o..c..t..o..r    w..h..o  t..o..l..d    m..e
i..f    I   s..p…e..a..k    s..l..o..w..l..y    I  w..o..n..’..t   s..t..u..t..t..e..r.”

“Amazing, that’s incredible.  So how were you almost married?

“M..y    f..i..a..n..c..e..e    a..n..d    I   w..e..r..e    s..i..t..t..i..n..g    o..n   h..e..r   p..o..r..c..h   a..n..d    t..h..e   d..o..g    w..a..s
s..c…r..a..t..c..h..i..n..g    h..i..s    b..a..c..k.   I   s..a..i..d   w..h..e..n    w..e   a…r..e    m..a..r..r..i..e..d,    s..h..e    c..o  u  l  d    d…o    t..h..a..t    f..o..r    m..e     a..n..d    s..h..e   t..h..r..e..w    t..h…e    r..i..n..g   i..n    m..y   f..a..c..e..”

“Why would she throw the ring in your face for that?”

“ I    s..p..e..a..k    s..o    s..l..o..w..l..y    t…h..a..t    b..y    t..h..e    t..i..m..e     s..h..e   l…o..o..k..e..d    a..t    t..h..e   d..o..g,    h..e
w..a..s     l..i..c..k..i..n..g    h..i..s    b..a..l..l..s”

———–

“Sixty is the worst age to be.  You always feel like you have to pee, and half the time you stand there and nothing comes out.”

“That’s nothin’, when you’re seventy you don’t have bowel movements!  You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the throne all day and nothin’ comes out!”

“Trust me fellas…eighty is the worst age of all.”

“Trouble peeing?” asks the first guy.

“No, I pee every morning at 6:00.  Like a racehorse on a flat rock, and a bowel movement every morning at 6:30. 

“So your plumbing works great, what’s so bad about being 80?”

“…Don’t wake up ’til 8”

Okay…so for those of you itching to read Terry and Mell’s Last Laff’s this week, I apologize for my lack of diligence.  But look at it this way.  Here’s three of them that will keep you howling for hours!

———-

A really shy guy goes into a bar on Valentine’s Day night.

He sees this gorgeous young woman sitting all alone and spends the next hour getting up enough courage to talk to her.

 “Um, would you mind if I brought you a drink?”

 She yelled at the top of her lungs, “No, I won’t sleep with you tonight!”
Well everybody in the bar starts laughing.  The guy’s completely embarrassed and slinks back to his table.

 A few minutes later, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.  “Hey I’m really sorry if I embarrassed you.  I’m a graduate student in psychology and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.”

The guy smiled and yelled “Gimme a break…you’re not worth 300 bucks!”

———

A little Newfie was perched on a bar stool having a pint when this massive burly American guy walks in.  As he passes the Newfie, he whacks him on the neck knocking him to the floor.  The big Yank says, “That’s a karate chop from Korea…huh huh huh”.

 Well, the little Newfie gets back on his bar stool and continues drinking his beer.

 The burly American then gets up to go for a squirt and as he walks by the Newfie he hits him on the other side of the neck and knocks him to the floor.  “That’s a judo chop from Japan…huh huh huh”.

 Well the little Newfie decides he’s had enough and he leaves.  30 minutes later he comes back in and sees the colossal American sitting at the bar.  He walks up behind him and nails him on the head, knocking him out cold.  “That’s a hockey stick from Canadian Tire!”

———-

Two women were playing golf.  One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.  The ball hit one of the men.  He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed over and knelt beside the writhing man.  “Please allow me to help. I’m a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me.”

“It’s OK, I’ll be all right in a few more minutes.”

But the woman insisted so he agreed.  She gently moved his hands away, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for 5 minutes.  “There, how does that feel now?”

“Awesome…but I still think my thumb’s broken.”

——————-

If you have a joke you’d like to submit, send it to mellaney.dahl@sudburyradio.rogers.com

Thanks to Club Q Rockstar Mike for today’s Last Laff…

Ladies: A brand new pickup line is about to be revealed on the Terry & Mell show, so please pay close attention…

A man walks into a bar and sees a woman sitting by herself.
So he buys her a drink and they start talking…

“Ya know…you remind me of my little toe”

“Why’s that” asks the girl. “Because I’m small and cute?”

“Nope. Because I’ll probably bang you on the coffee table later…”

——————————————————

That’s funny!  And you probably have a joke that’s funny too!  Send it to us cause we love to laugh…

mellaney.dahl@sudburyradio.rogers.com

terry.callaghan@sudburyradio.rogers.com





Thanks to Club Q Rockstar Bill for today’s Last Laff…

George Bush has a heart-attack and dies…and ends up in Hell. The devil isn’t happy. “You’re on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay so here’s the deal. I’ve got a couple of folks here who weren’t quite as bad as you…so I’ll let you decide who gets to leave hell and you take their place.

George is taken to a door and inside he sees Ted Kennedy. He keeps diving into a large pool of water and coming up empty handed. Over and over, that’s all he keeps doing for eternity. “Oh dear, I’m a terrible swimmer so I can’t do that all day long” says George.

He’s taken to a second door where he sees Al Gore with a sledge- hammer and a room full of rocks. Over and over he keeps swinging the hammer. “I have a bad shoulder” says George “so that wouldn’t work for me”

The devil opened a third door. Through it, George saw Bill
Clinton lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

George couldn’t believe it. “Sure, I can handle this!”

The devil smiled………..”OK Monica, you’re free to go.”

——————————————————

That’s funny!  And you probably have a joke that’s funny too!  Send it to us cause we love to laugh…

mellaney.dahl@sudburyradio.rogers.com

terry.callaghan@sudburyradio.rogers.com





Thanks to Club Q Rockstar Tom for today’s Last Laff…

A boy walks into his parent’s bedroom and finds his Dad on top of his Mom going at it like newlyweds. He freaks out and runs out of the room.

“Oh boy, I’ll take care of this” says Dad calmly…pulling on his clothes. He heads to his Son’s room and knock. “Son, are you alright in there?” He opens the door, where he finds his son on top of Grandma!

The father screams “What are you doing?!?”

“See, it’s a LOT worse when it’s YOUR mother…isn’t it?”

——————————————————

That’s funny!  And you probably have a joke that’s funny too!  Send it to us cause we love to laugh…

mellaney.dahl@sudburyradio.rogers.com

terry.callaghan@sudburyradio.rogers.com





Thanks to Club Q Rockstar Judy for today’s Last Laff…

Try and follow along to this sports analogy. It really makes sense.

For the urban poor…the sport of choice is Basketball.
For the maintenance level employees…they choose Bowling.
Front-line workers….choose Football.
Supervisors…choose Baseball.
For middle management….their sport of choice is Tennis.
And for Corporate Executives…they choose Golf.

What have we learned from all of this?

The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls are.

(Can you imagine how many people in Parliament play marbles?)

——————————————————

That’s funny!  And you probably have a joke that’s funny too!  Send it to us cause we love to laugh…

mellaney.dahl@sudburyradio.rogers.com

terry.callaghan@sudburyradio.rogers.com





Thanks to Club Q Rockstar Bill for today’s Last Laff…

They asked me to do a Health and Safety test here at Q92 and I failed it.

There was one question that said “In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?”

Apparently “Freaking Huge ones” is not the right answer….

——————————————————

That’s funny!  And you probably have a joke that’s funny too!  Send it to us cause we love to laugh…

mellaney.dahl@sudburyradio.rogers.com

terry.callaghan@sudburyradio.rogers.com





Thanks to Club Q Rockstar Sandy for today’s Last Laff…

A man’s car breaks down near a monastery. He asks if he could spend the night and the Monks feed him dinner and fix his car. As he tries to fall asleep, the man hears a strange sound…like nothing he’s ever heard! In the morning he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say they can’t tell him because he’s not a monk.

The man is desperate to know what the sound was so asks how he can become a Monk so he can find out.

“You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are. When you bring the number, you will become a monk”

45 years later, the man knocks on the door of the monastery. “There are 371 trillion, 145 billion, 236 million, 284 thousand, 232 blades of grass”.

The Monks welcome him inside as one of them and lead him to a locked wooden door…and behind it is the sound! They offer him a key which opens the door, and behind it is a stone door. They offer him a key and he opens it to find a door of ruby. He gets the key for that and finds a locked Silver door. He keeps getting keys through 4 more unusual doors and finally the Monks say he’s at the final door!!! He can’t wait to open it.

He turns the key and finally knows what the amazing strange magical sound is!!!

I’m sorry, you’re not a card-carrying Monk now…are you?

——————————————————

That’s funny!  And you probably have a joke that’s funny too!  Send it to us cause we love to laugh…

mellaney.dahl@sudburyradio.rogers.com

terry.callaghan@sudburyradio.rogers.com

Thanks to Club Q Rockstar William for today’s Last Laff…

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope. “You seem like reasonable young men” said the judge. “I’m going to give you both a second chance instead of jail time. Go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I’ll see you back in court Monday.”

Monday morning they’re back in front of the judge.

“How did you do” he asked the first guy.

“Well, your honor, I talked 17 people into giving up drugs for good.”

“How’d you manage to do that?”

“I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles…one big and one small. Then I told them the big one was your brain before drugs and the little one was your brain after drugs.”

“Pretty impressive. How’d you do” he asked the second boy.

“Your honor, I got 156 people to give up drugs forever”

“Wow! 156 people? How’d you manage to do that?”

“I used a similar diagram. I drew a small circle and a big circle…then I pointed to the small circle and told them this was you before prison…”

——————————————————

That’s funny!  And you probably have a joke that’s funny too!  Send it to us cause we love to laugh…

mellaney.dahl@sudburyradio.rogers.com

terry.callaghan@sudburyradio.rogers.com

Thanks to Club Q Rockstar Leo for today’s Last Laff…

A very tired blonde nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. She’s asked to sign a withdrawal receipt and pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.

The teller tries to hide her grin and says to the blonde nurse “I don’t think it’s going to write”

The blonde nurse looks down and sees what she’s got in her hand. “Well this is just great…some asshole stole my pen!”

——————————————————

That’s funny!  And you probably have a joke that’s funny too!  Send it to us cause we love to laugh…

mellaney.dahl@sudburyradio.rogers.com

terry.callaghan@sudburyradio.rogers.com