Thanks to Club Q Rockstar Lori for today’s Last Laff…

A Newfoundland farmer named Angus was in an accident with a truck owned by the Eversweet Company. Eversweet hired a hot-shot lawyer and was questioning Angus on the stand.
“Didn’t you say to the officer at the scene, ‘I’m fine?”

Angus said’Well I’ll tell you I’d just loaded my fav’rit cow Bessie’

‘I didn’t ask for any details’, the lawyer interrupted. ‘Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene, ‘I’m fine!’?’

‘Well, I’d just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin’ down…’

‘Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police that he was fine. Now he’s trying to sue my client. I believe he’s a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. ‘

By this time, the Judge was curious about Angus’ answer. I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie’.

Angus thanked the Judge. ‘As I was saying, I’d just loaded Bessie, my fav’rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin’ her down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer come tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder. By Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and didn’t want to move. But I could hear old Bessie moanin’ and groanin’. I knew she was in terrible pain.

Den a policeman turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin’ so he went over to have a look, saw her condition, took out his gun and shot her. Den da policeman come over to my side with his gun still in his hand and said, ‘How are you feelin’?’

‘Now wot da hell would you say?’

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Thanks to Club Q Rockstar Carol for today’s Last Laff…

A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy her Grandson a gift. She doesn’t know much about rods and reels so she grabs one and goes to the cash counter. A Bass Pro associate is standing there wearing dark shades.

“Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?”

“Ma’am, I’m completely blind, but if you’ll drop it on the counter I can tell you everything simply from the sound it makes.” She doesn’t really believe he can do that but drops it anyway. “That’s a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10 pouind test line. It’s a good all around combination and the nice thing is that it’s on sale this week for only 20 bucks.” “Wow” she says.

“That’s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I’ll take it!” She opens her purse and her credit card drops on the floor. “You dropped your Master Card, it’s behind you to your right”

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts, but figures he didn’t hear it and if he did he wouldn’t know it’s her.

The blind man rings up the sale. “That’ll be $34.50 please.” The woman says “Wait a second…didn’t you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00?” “Yes, Ma’am, plus the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50.”

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Thanks to Club Q Rockstar Leo for today’s Last Laff…

He left home around 8:30 to play golf. On the way out his wife asked “What time will you be home?” and he answered “probably around 1:30…I’ll have lunch at the club.”

1:30 came…then 3 o’clock…6:15…and finally he rolled in at 7pm with a pizza and an apology.

“We finished our game about 11:30, had lunch, and I started home. Along the way I passed a girl with a flat tire so I stopped to help, got the tire changed, and needed to wash my hands.

She wanted to pay me of course but I wouldn’t accept so she asked me to at least let her buy me a beer at the tavern up the road where I could get cleaned up.

We had a beer…and got talking…had another and another and I realized how pretty the girl was and how friendly we’d become. So before I knew it we were in the hotel next door having sex. I’m so sorry honey”

“What a load of crap that was” said his wife. “You played 36 holes…didn’t ya!”

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Thanks to Club Q Rockstar Leo for today’s Last Laff…

A lawyer boarded an airplane in Halifax with a box of flash-frozen crabs and instructed the blond attendant to take care of them for him. He told her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, flashed his lawyer card and warned her about what would happen if she failed.
So as they were landing, she went on the intercom and announced “would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in Halifax please raise your hand.

Not one hand went up …. so she took them home and ate them.

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Thanks to Club Q Rockstar Wesley for today’s Last Laff…

One night a fire started inside the local chemical plant. It got bad fast and soon fire departments from all the surrounding towns were racing to join the fight. After an hour at full strength, the president of the chemical plant addressed the media. “All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant and they HAVE to be saved. I will give $50,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!”

The Fire Chief heard this challenge and encouraged his men to fight as hard as they could to contain the flames. Two hours later the president of the company increased the offer to $100,000 for the engine company that could bring out the company’s secret files.

From the distance…a siren was heard. Then, around the corner came the local volunteer fire department made up of men over 65. The engine raced right through the gates and straight into the middle of the inferno. The old guys jumped off their old rig and fought the fire with an amazing effort.

After an hour of intense fighting the volunteer firefighters extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas. The chemical company president was so happy he doubled the reward to $200,000. As he shook each old man’s hand, he asked what they intended to do with the reward money. The fire truck driver looked him right in the eye and said, “Well first thing we’re gonna do is fix the damn brakes on that truck!”

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Thanks to Club Q Rockstar Jeanette for today’s Last Laff…

Scott has just finished reading a new book titled “You Can Be THEE Man of Your House”

He stormed out of the bathroom and went straight to the kitchen where his wife was. “From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my mea you will go upstairs with me and we will make love the way I want. Afterwards, you’ll draw me a bath so I can relax, and then bring me my robe from the dryer so it’s warm. Then tomorrow, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”

His wife put the potato she’d been peeling down. “The funeral director would be my first guess”

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Thanks to Club Q Rockstar Judy for today’s Last Laff…

A third grader asked her mother the age-old question, “Mom, how did I get here?”

Her mother was ready with the answer… “God sent you.”

“Did God send you, too?” asked the child.

“Yes, Dear”

“What about Grandma and Grandpa?”

“God sent them also”

“Did God send their parents too?” asked the child.

“Yes dear”

“Really! So you’re telling me for 200 years… there’s been NO SEX in this family? No wonder everyone’s so grouchy!’

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Thanks to Club Q Rockstar Carol for today’s Last Laff…

There was a man who looked after himself. He exercised 6 days a week and ate healthy. Even went to a tanning spa to keep his skin tone brown without burning. One morning he’s admiring himself in the mirror and notices that he’s tanned everywhere but on his “staff from the pants division”

So he decided to do something about that. He went to the beach, stripped down, and totally buried himself…except for his pogo stick which he left sticking out of the sand.

Two little old ladies came strolling along the beach. They both noticed this “thing” sticking out of the sand. One prodded it with her cane. “That’s injustice for ya” she said to her elderly companion.

“What do you mean?” asked the other squinting at the trouser snake.

“When I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. 40…I begged for it. At 50 I paid for it. At 60 I prayed for it. By 70 I forgot about it. Now I’m 80 and the damned things are growing wild…and I’m too old to squat!”

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Thanks to Club Q Rockstar Tina for today’s Last Laff…

A man and his wife walk into a dentist’s office.

The man says, “Doc, I’m in one heck of a hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting to go play golf. Forget the anesthetic; I don’t have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth and be done with it! We’ve got a 10AM tee off at the best golf course in town and it’s 9:30 so pitter patter let’s get at her”

The dentist thought “what a brave guy to stand that kind of pain without any fear.”

“Certainly sir, which tooth is it?”

The man turned to his wife. “Open up honey and show him that molar”

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Thanks to Club Q Rockstar James for today’s Last Laff…

Two aliens landed in the desert near a closed gas station. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien said “Greetings Earthling, we come in peace. Take us to your leader.”

The gas pump said nothing.

The younger alien wasn’t impressed, but the older one said
“I’d calm down if I were you.”

The younger alien was pretty cocky and didn’t want to listen to his elder. He drew his laser blaster and pointed it at the gas pump. “Greetings Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader…or I will fire!”

“You probably don’t want to do that! You might make it angry”.

“That’d be two of us then” said the younger alien and he fired his weapon. There was a huge explosion. The massive fireball
blew the alien 200 yards away and he landed on a cactus…a burnt smoking mess.

Half an hour later the younger alien woke up. He refocused
his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked up at the older alien who was slowly shaking his big green head.

“How did you know that Earthling would be so dangerous?”

The older alien placed a feeler on his crispy friend and said…

“I’ve been doing this for a long time, and you should never mess with a creature that can loop his penis over his shoulder and then stick it in his ear.”

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As a Club Q Rock Star, you can rate the joke and earn points. Log on to your account to vote now.   Have a funny joke? E-mail us: mellaney.dahl@rci.rogers.com terry.callaghan@rci.rogers.com