Thanks to Club Q Rockstar Kathy for today’s Last Laff…

Three guys are drinking in a pub. “Aye…this is a good pub” says the Scotsman, “but back home there’s a wee place called McTavish’s. There…after you buy 4 drinks, the landlord buys your 5th one for ya”
“Well, Angus,” said the Englishman, “At my local in London… the Red Lion…the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two.”

The Irishman isn’t impressed. “Back home in my favourite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they buy you a drink and keep buying you drinks. You never have to even pay for one! Then when you’ve had enough to drink, they take you upstairs and see that you get satisfied. All on the house!”

“Impossible” scoffed the Scotsman. “Did this actually happen to you?”

“Well not meself personally,” admitted the Irishman, “but it did happen to me sister quite a few times.

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Thanks to Club Q Rockstar Sandy for today’s Last Laff…

Little Zachary was doing badly in math. His parents had tried everything…tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers. Nothing worked. Finally they decided to send him off to Catholic School.

After his first day, little Zak came home with a very serious face. He went straight up to his room and started studying. At dinnertime he came downstairs to eat and then went right back up to hit the books.

This went on for weeks. His mother was pleased but couldn’t figure out what had changed with her son.

Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, and went up to his room to do his homework. His Mom carefully opened the report card expecting the worst. But lo and behold…her little Zak had gotten a “A” in Math!

She went up to his room and gave him a big hug. “Zak, that’s wonderful! What made you do so well in math class? Was it the Nuns?”
Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no…

“Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?”

Little Zachary looked at her with his serious face. “Mom, on the first day of Catholic school…when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign…I knew they meant business.”

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Thanks to Club Q Rockstar Leo for today’s Last Laff…

An old retired sailor pines for his life at sea…so he puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks…just for old times sake.

He walks up to a prostitute and is led up to a room. He’s soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, and is imaging he’s 30 years younger.

‘How am I doing?’ he asks the prostitute.

“Well, you’re doing about three knots.’

“Three knots? What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Knot hard, knot in, and knot getting your money back”

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Thanks to Club Q Rockstar Julie for today’s Last Laff…

Tom Fogerty….has died. He opens his eyes and walks through the mist…and finds himself on a stage that’s got a selection of instruments set up.

He hears a door open…and out walks Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison, Brian Jones, John Lennon, Otis Redding, and Buddy Holly. Each musician picks up his favorite instrument and begins tuning up. All of the instruments on stage have been taken…except the drums! It’s perfect!

Mr. Fogarty walks up to Jimi and says “Man, this is so cool. So this is what heaven’s like.”

Jimi Hendrix looks at Tom and says, “Heaven? You think this is heaven?”

Just then…Karen Carpenter walks in, takes her seat behind
the drums, and calls out, “Okay guys, ‘Close to You’. One, two,
three, four …”

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Thanks to Club Q Rockstar Rick for today’s Last Laff…

Many many years ago, before the yodel had been invented…a hiker was traveling through the mountains in Switzerland. Nightfall was close and he had nowhere to sleep, so he knocked on a farmhouse door. The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn. The farmer’s daughter asked, ‘Who is that man going into the barn?’

‘It’s a fellow traveling through,’ said the farmer. ‘He needs a place to stay for the night so I told him he could sleep in there.’

The daughter said, ‘Perhaps he’s hungry.’ So she made a plate of food for him and took it out to the barn. About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing was rumpled and there was straw in her hair. She went straight to bed.

The farmer’s wife was very observant. She said to the farmer “perhaps that man is thirsty” so she fetched a bottle of wine and took it out to the barn! An hour later she returned, clothes askew and her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight up to bed.

The next morning the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left. When the daughter woke up and found him gone she cried, ‘How could he leave without saying goodbye after the passionate love we made last night?’
The farmer was furious. He ran out of the house and spotted the hiker half way up the mountain. ‘I’m going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!’
The man cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out…..
“Laid the old lady tooooooooo”

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Thanks to Club Q Rockstar Judy for today’s Last Laff…

A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two big garbage bags behind her. One of the bags has a hole in it, and every 10-20 steps, a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.

A cop sees this and tells her she’s losing twenties.
“Oh goodness, thank you officer…I’ll have to go back and see how many I can find”
“Well, not so fast,” said the cop. “I need to ask you where you got all that money. You didn’t steal it, did you?”

“Heavens no!” said the old lady. “In fact I’m on my way to the bank right now! You see, my backyard is right next to the Golf course. And it used to really tick me off when those golfers would pee through the knot hole in my fence and kill my peonies. So I decided to make the best of it!”
The cop is intrigued. “What did you do?”
“Now I stand on my side of the fence with hedge clippers…and when some guy sticks his Johnson through the hole I grab it and tell him ‘Give me $20, or off it comes’.”

“I guess there’s nothing illegal about that” laughs the cop. “What’s in the other bag?”
“Not everybody pays.”

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Thanks to Club Q Rockstar Leo for today’s Last Laff…

Four brothers left home for university and they became rich and successful doctors and lawyers. Many years went by, and the 4 were having dinner together and discussing the birthday gifts they had given to their elderly mother who lived far away.

“I had a big house built for Mama” said the first brother.

The second said, “I had a hundred thousand dollar theatre built in that big house.”

The third said, “I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her driveway in front of that big house.”

The fourth said, “You know how Mama loved reading the Bible, but she can’t read anymore because of her eyesight? I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that could recite the entire Bible. It took twenty preachers 20 years to teach him. I had to pledge $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama has only to name a chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it.” The other brothers were impressed.

Each got Mama’s handwritten thank you notes.

“Milton, the house you built is so huge and I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway.”

“Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks.”

“Michael, you gave me an expensive theatre with Dolby sound; it could hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I’ve lost my hearing, and I’m nearly blind. I’ll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same.”

“Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious.

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Thanks to Club Q Rockstar Judy for today’s Last Laff…

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. It was for one visit to a medicine man who was rumored to have an amazing cure for erectile dysfunction. So he went, and handed his ticket to the medicine man. The old man handed a potion to him. Then he gripped his shoulder and warned ‘This is a powerful medicine. You take only a spoonful, and then say ’1-2-3.’ You will become more manly than you have ever been, and you can go as long as you want.” The man was encouraged. “When we’re done, how do I return to normal?” “Your wife must say ’1-2-3-4, but when she does the medicine will not work again until the next full moon.” The man raced home, showered and shaved, and took a spoonful of the medicine. Then he called his wife into their bedroom. He took off his clothes and said, “1-2-3!” Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife’s eyes popped out of her head. As she scrambled to get her clothes off she asked “What was the 1-2-3 for?”

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Thanks to Club Q Rockstar George for today’s Last Laff…

A nun and priest were traveling together to a conference. Suddenly…the devil jumped on to the hood of their car and glares at them through the windshield.

The nun was driving and she started swerving all over the road trying to knock the demon off. But the devil held on to the hood and hissed. Next she turned on the wipers, slapping him back and forth, but he was still there. She said to the priest “I put holy water in the windshield washer compartment…watch this!” She sprays him with the water …but he just hisses more.

The nun starts to lose her confidence. “What should I do now”

The priest points to her necklace and says “Show him your cross.”

So the nun rolls down the window and yells “Get the hell my car you jackass”

Thanks to Club Q Rockstar Leo for today’s Last Laff…
The earth was clean…everyone had died and was now waiting to enter paradise.  God appeared before them…”I want the men to make two lines.  One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women.  And I want all the women to report directly to St. Peter.”

So the women all left and the men formed the two lines.  The
line of the men who were dominated by their wives stretched farther than even God could see.  It was like there was no end to it.  The second line, for men who truly were heads of their household, had only one guy in it.

God was NOT pleased.  “You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I created you first…to be the head of your household! You have not fulfilled your purpose!  Out of all of you, only one obeyed.  Learn from him.”

God smiled and put his heavenly hand on the shoulder of the lone man in the second line.  “Son tell everyone, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?”

“My wife told me to stand here.”

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