Archive for December, 2010
Wednesday’s Last Laff…
Wednesday, December 22nd, 2010
Thanks to Club Q Rockstar Cynthia for today’s Last Laff…
John got himself an early Christmas present….a talking parrot!
When he brought his parrot home, he had a nasty surprise. Every word out of that parrot’s mouth was filthy. It was rude, nasty, and filled with profanities.
John did his best to change the parrot’s attitude…playing soft Christmas carols in the background and only using polite words…but nothing worked.
Finally John got angry. After the parrot had told him to ‘you know what’ for the 10th time that day, he grabbed it and threw it in the freezer. Behind the sealed door John heard the parrot at its meanest, kicking and screaming and swearing like a trooper. Then, suddenly, it was quiet. For 5 minutes John heard not a single peep.
He worried that maybe the parrot was hurt or freezing to death, so he opened up the freezer door. The bird calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched hand and said, “I fear that I may have offended you with my rude unprofessional language and actions. I can only sincerely apologize and ask for your forgiveness and assure you that I will do everything in my power to correct my unforgivable behavior”
John blinked, and was speechless. What could have caused such a drastic change so quickly?
Then the parrot softly continued, “May I ask what the Turkey in there did?”
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Tuesday’s Last Laff…
Tuesday, December 21st, 2010
Thanks to Club Q Rockstar Jason for today’s Last Laff…
A young female stock broker was really kicking butt and wanted to treat herself to something individual and unique. She looked out at her BMW and realized everybody in the office had one, so she headed to the local car dealer and spotted a beautiful Jaguar XK140 convertible. It had been lovingly restored and dressed in a gorgeous red paint job.
An hour and one certified cheque later, she was tearing down the road with her blonde hair flowing in the wind, Classic Rock blaring on her radio, and anyone she passed looked with envy at her new car.
Then, the car sputtered, slowed down, and coasted to a stop. She lifted the hood but she had no idea what to look for…and not just because she was blonde. But she called CAA and shortly help arrived.
“That’s a lovely car,” said the mechanic. “Let me take a quick look and see what’s up”
Ten minutes later the engine was purring like a cat again.
The blonde stock broker was relieved and asked if there was anything she should do to avoid the problem coming back.
“Not really” he said. “Pretty simple problem, just crap in the carburetor”.
“OK how many times a week do I need to do that?”
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As a Club Q Rock Star, you can rate the joke and earn points. Log on to your account to vote NOW. Have a funny joke? (please!!!) E-mail them now:
Behind the Scenes at the Toy Bank
Tuesday, December 21st, 2010
The Q-92 TD Toy Bank was a huge success again this year. Thousands of toys that you donated will find their way into children’s hands Christmas morning. Here’s what happens inside the Salvation Army Toy Room. I was invited to take a look around this very special place…
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Monday’s Last Laff…
Monday, December 20th, 2010
Thanks to Club Q Rockstar Diane for today’s Last Laff…
I wonder if Diane has had a bit of lawyer trouble lately… but she sent in some quick one-liner lawyer jokes and EVERYBODY loves to pick on lawyers (except maybe lawyers)
What’s the difference between a dead dog on the road and a dead lawyer on the road? There’re skid marks in front of the dog!
What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from a plane? Skeet.
What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their necks in sand? About a foot short on the sand delivery.
(Diane here’s a couple you missed…
Why is it illegal for a Lawyer to have sex with a client? That would be called double-billing for essentially the same service!
Why has there never been a reported case of a shark biting a lawyer? Professional courtesy…
You’re trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with only two bullets. What do you do? Shoot the lawyer, twice…
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…Oh Wait That’s Not Alan
Friday, December 17th, 2010
Continuing with our talking animals theme…if you need a great time killer for a Friday, this video fits the bill perfectly. Sure, it’s not like it’s actually the animals doing the talking, but I’ve watched it a couple times, and it just gets funnier and funnier:
Bonus Code: alan!
Worth: 250 points
Expires: December 18, 2010 @ 11:59pm
Friday’s Last Laff
Friday, December 17th, 2010
Thanks to Club Q Rockstar Claude for Today’s Last Laff…
Two nuns are told to paint a room in the convent, with a warning from the Mother Superior not to get paint on their habits.
The two nuns talked it over and decided to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint naked.
About an hour later, there’s a knock at the door.
“Who is it?” calls one of the nuns.
“Blind man,” comes a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other and decide that they can let in a blind man…so they open the door.
“Nice boobs,” he says. “Where do you want the blinds hung?”
Gotta joke you know will make others laugh? Send it to us and if we use it in air we’ll set you up with 300 points. Plus, just for voting on the joke you’ll get 100 points for your Rockstar Account!
mellaney.dahl@rci.rogers.com
Polly Wants Distortion
Thursday, December 16th, 2010
About nine years ago Drowning Pool seemed to really hit on something with their tune “Bodies” – that thing has wound up on a ton of movie trailers, video games, ads and just about every third montage on YouTube.
So I guess it shouldn’t be surprising that not only does it get stuck in human heads…but even the animal kingdom rocks a little Drowning Pool from time to time
Oh and it’s worth noting, this parrot has a great metal scream.
Bonus Code: pollypool
Worth: 250 points
Expires: December 17, 2010 @ 11:59pm
Thursday’s Last Laff
Thursday, December 16th, 2010
Thanks to Club Q Rockstar George for Today’s Last Laff…
A man is golfing and notices a frog sitting next to the green. Just as he’s about to chip on he hears, “Ribbit 9 Iron.” The man looks around but there’s nobody there. “Ribbit 9 Iron.” He looks at the frog. Puts his wedge away and grabs his 9…and hits it 10 inches from the cup.
“Wow that’s amazing! You must be a lucky frog.” “Ribbit Lucky frog.”
So the man takes the frog with him to the next hole. “Ribbit 3 wood.” Why not? The guy takes out his 3 wood and boom! His very first ever hole-in-one. This continues all day and the man has the best golf game in his life.
He takes the frog with him to his car. “OK, where to next?”
The frog says, “Ribbit Las Vegas.” Off they go. As soon as they find a parking spot, the frog says “Ribbit Roulette.”
So the man tucks the frog in his jacket pocket and goes straight to the nearest roulette table. “Ribbit $3000 on black 6.”
That’s a million-to-one risk but after the golf game the man can’t resist trusting the frog. The ball goes round and round…and lands on Black 6…and a mountain of chips is put in front of him! So he cashes out and buys the best room in the best hotel.
He puts the frog on a pillow on the king size bed. “Frog, I don’t know how to repay you. I am forever grateful.”
The frog says, “Ribbit Kiss Me.”
Well, after all that the frog has done for him how could he say no?
Poof! The frog turns into a gorgeous young girl.
“And that your honor is how that girl ended up in Tiger Woods room.”
Got a great joke? Send it off to us and if we use it on air we’ll set you up with 300 points for your Club Q Rockstar Account. Plus, you can sign in to your account now to vote on today’s Last Laff and earn 100 points.
mellaney.dahl@rci.rogers.com
Your Daily WTF: Batman Sings The Powerpuff Girls Theme!?
Wednesday, December 15th, 2010
Seriously.
Bonus Code: powerbat
Worth: 250 points
Expires: December 16, 2010 @ 11:59pm
Wednesday’s Last Laff
Wednesday, December 15th, 2010
Thanks to Club Q Rockstar Sandy for today’s Last Laff…
Anyone with a love of animals can respect the value of a veterinarian…since they need to know as much as a doctor about their patients’ anatomy.
So the first-year students at vet school were gathered around the surgery table in their first anatomy class. On the table was a body covered with a white sheet.
“In Veterinary Medicine” said the professor, “it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. First, you must not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body”.
The professor tore back the sheet and revealed the dead cow beneath. “Watch closely to see what I mean”. He stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, pulled it out, and stuck his finger in his mouth.
“All students must do the same thing before we continue”.
Well it took a long time and a couple of total freakouts, but eventually everyone had stuck their finger in the cow’s butt and then sucked on their finger.
The Professor then continued. “The second most important quality is a keen observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Pay attention”.
Gotta joke you know will make others laugh? Send it to us and if we use it in air we’ll set you up with 300 points. Plus, just for voting on the joke you’ll get 100 points for your Rockstar Account!
mellaney.dahl@rci.rogers.com