Archive for May, 2010

Thursday’s Last Laugh

Thursday, May 20th, 2010

Ted, a wealthy 70-year-old widower, shows up at a bar with a stunning 25-year-old blonde on his arm. The woman has the body of a model, has her arms endearingly locked around Ted’s torso and focuses intently on every syllable he utters.
Naturally, his friends at the bar are stunned. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask: “Ted, come on, where’d you get such a beautiful babe for a girlfriend?”
Ted replies: “Girlfriend? She’s my wife!”
Now they’re completely knocked over. They continue their questioning: “Alright, how’d you get her to marry you?”
“Well, I lied about my age,” Ted admits.
“How old did you say you were? 50?”
Ted smiles and says, “Nope! I told her I was 95!”

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Wednesday’s Last Laugh

Wednesday, May 19th, 2010

A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors.

He also invited Leroy, the only Redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.

Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.

At the height of the party, the host said, ‘I have a 10 foot man-eating gator in my pool and I’ll give a million
dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in.’

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash. Everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!

Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell.

Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish.

Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

Finally the host says, ‘Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.’ ‘No, that’s okay. I don’t want it,’ said Leroy.

The rich man said, ‘Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?’

No thanks, I don’t want it,’ answered Leroy.

The host said, ‘Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?’

Again Leroy said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, ‘Well, Leroy, then what do you want?’

Leroy said, ‘I want the name of the son of$%$#@ who pushed me in the pool!’

———-

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Tuesday’s Last Laff…

Tuesday, May 18th, 2010

Terry was in a restaurant having coffee and a donut yesterday when he suddenly realized he desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so he timed his gas with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, Terry started to feel better. So he finished his coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at him….

Then he suddenly realized that he was listening to his iPod.

———-

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Monday’s Last Laff…

Monday, May 17th, 2010

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure.  A young student nurse comes in to give him a partial sponge bath. “Nurse”, he mumbles, from behind the mask ‘Are my testicles black?’

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies ‘I don’t know, sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body and feet.’

He struggles to ask again, ‘Nurse, are my testicles  black?’  

The student nurse is concerned that the patient may get agitated and that would elevate his blood pressure…so she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.  She reaches in and raises his gown, moves things around a bit…gets out her flashlight…moves things around a bit more.  Finally after a really close look she says “There’s nothing wrong with them sir.”

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says carefully, ‘Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely…..  ’ A r e – m y – t e s t – r e s u l t s – back ? 

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Thursday’s Last Laff…

Thursday, May 13th, 2010

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.‘Oh my, I am so sorry,’ the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.‘Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,’ she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his.  She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for breakfast in the morning. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! ‘You know,’ he said, ‘you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?’

‘No,’ she replies. . . “you just happened to catch my eye.”

————

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Wednesday’s Last Laff…

Wednesday, May 12th, 2010

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of the Baptist church found a pink envelope containing $1,000..  It happened again the next week. The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate.  This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

“Ma’am, I couldn’t help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate,” he stated..

“Why yes,” she replied, “every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church.”

The pastor asked, “That’s wonderful, how much does he send you?”

The old lady replied, “$10,000 a week.”
               
The pastor was amazed. “Your son is very successful! What does he do for a living?”

“He is a veterinarian,” she answered.
               
“That is an honorable profession,” the pastor said. “Where does he practice?”

The little old lady said proudly, “In Nevada.  He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno .”

———-

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Tuesday’s Last Laff…

Tuesday, May 11th, 2010

Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar in Sudbury. After a while, one looks at the other and says, ‘I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Levack.The other woman responds proudly, ‘Yes, I sure am! I’m from Levack!’‘So, am I!! What street did you live on in Levack?’The other woman says, ‘ I lived on Balsalm Street.”

‘So did I! So did I!” said the other woman… “And what school did you go to?’

‘Well, I went to Levack District High school, of course. Graduated in ‘84’.

The first woman is just beside herself. ‘This is incredible! I can’t believe it…finding each other in this bar on this night! I graduated from LDHS in 1984 too!”

Around this time, Terry walks in and orders a beer.

The bartender walks over to Terry shaking his head and mutters, ‘It’s going to be a long night tonight.’

‘Why do you say that?’

‘The Beaudry twins are drunk again.’

———-

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Monday’s Last Laff…

Monday, May 10th, 2010

Conjoined twins walk into a bar in Sudbury and park themselves on a bar stool.

One of them says to the bartender, “Don’t mind us, we’re joined at the hip. I’m Tim, he’s Jim. Two Molson Canadian please.”

The bartender tries to make conversation while pouring the beers. “Been on a holiday’s guys?”

“Yep and we’re off to England next month,” says Tim. “We go to England every year, rent a car, and drive for miles, don’t we, Jim?”

“Ah, England!” says the bartender. “Wonderful Country ….. the history, the beer, the culture…”

“Nah, we don’t like that British crap, hamburgers & Molson Canadian, that’s us, eh, Jim? And we can’t stand the English. They’re arrogant and rude, not civil and polite like us Canadians.”

“So why do you keep going to England?”, asked the bartender.

“It’s the only chance Jim gets to drive.”

———-

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Friday’s Last Laff…

Friday, May 7th, 2010

A woman from Levack took her 92-year old dad to the New Sudbury Centre the other day to buy some new shoes.

They decided to grab a bite at the food court, and while sitting there the woman noticed her dad was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. Her dad kept staring and staring. The teenager would look up, and find the elderly man staring every time.

Well, the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, ‘What’s the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?’

Knowing how feisty her dad was, the woman quickly swallowed her food so that she wouldn’t choke on his response… .

Yeah, said the old man…’Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son…’
————

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Thursday’s Last Laff…

Thursday, May 6th, 2010

A man walks in to a Psychiatrist’s office wearing only underwear made of Saran Wrap.

The Psychiatrist says, “Well, I can clearly see your nuts.”

———–

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