So, 2 guys get in a car crash, die and they wind up in hell. The Devil laughs and says “HAHA! Now you shall feel the eternal fiery furnace that is hell!”

Flames were dancing all around them but the two guys seem unaffected.

Satan asks “What? You don’t find this painful?”

One of them says “We’re from Canada. It’s nice to have some warmth for a change.”

Then Satan says “Well, if fire doesn’t hurt you, then I’ll freeze you.”

So Satan turns hell into a godforsaken frozen wasteland. But the 2 guys were laughing and jumping for joy.

Satan asks “It’s colder than it could ever be on earth. Why are you guys happy?”

They replied, “Hell froze over! That means the Toronto Maple Leafs won the Stanley Cup!”

———-

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A woman enters a butcher shop and asks the counter assistant, “Do you have pigs ears?” The counter assistant replies, “No, its just the way my hair is parted!”

———–

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Once there was a retired pirate so he decides to live with his brother.The pirate walks up to his brothers house and knocks on the door and his brother answers the door and says, “Oh my gosh , what happened to your hand!?! ”

The pirate said, “I lost it in a sword fight , but now I have a hook.”

Then the brother said, “What about your leg?”

The pirate said, “A cannonball hit it , but now I have a peg leg .”

Then the brother said, “Well , what about your eye?”

The pirate said, “I got some dust in it .”

The brother said, “How could you lose your eye by just getting some dust in it?”

Then the pirate said, “It was my first day with my hook!

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A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first
class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a
tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman
sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered
violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still
curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the
woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her
nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman
and said,

‘I couldn’t help but notice that you’ve sneezed three times,
wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you ok?’

‘I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical
condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm.’

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. ‘I have
never heard of that condition before’ he said. ‘Are you taking
anything for it?’

“Yes”, the woman nodded, ‘Pepper.’ 

–

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A little guy is sitting at the bar staring at his drink when a large, threateningly leering biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig. “Well, watcha’ gonna do about it?” he says menacingly, as the little guy bursts into tears.

“Come on, man,” the biker says, “I didn’t think you’d CRY.  I can’t stand to see a man crying.” 

“This is the worst day of my life,” says the little guy. “I`m a complete failure. I was late to a meeting,  and my Boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car stolen and I don’t have any insurance, I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and then my dog bit me. “So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink; I drop a capsule in, and sit here watching the poison dissolve. Then a wise-ass like you shows up and drinks the whole thing!”

——

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The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, ‘This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?’

The boss told her he knew he’d closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.  As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant’s question about his ‘garage door.’ 

The boss headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, ‘When my garage door was open, did you see my Ferrari parked in there?’

She smiled and said, ‘No, I didn’t. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires..’

——————

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Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss.
Each day, they watched the boss leave work early. One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?The woman from New Sudbury was thrilled to be home early…she did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.
 
The woman from the Valley was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.

The woman from Levack was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss!   Gently she closed the door and crept out of the house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the bwoman from New Sudbury and the woman from the Valley planned to leave early again, and they asked the woman from Levack if she was going to go with them.
 
 ”No way!” the woman from Levack exclaimed. “I almost got caught yesterday!”

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A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.
She protested, “But we don’t know anything about each other.”
He replied, “That’s all right; we’ll learn about each other as we go along.”
So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.
One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. This was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel.

She said, “That was incredible!”
He said, “I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we’d learn more about each other as we went along.”

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps.
She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end. She did laps in freestyle, breast-stroke, even butterfly!

After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing heavy.

He said, “That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?”
No, she said, “I was a hooker in Sault Ste Marie and worked both sides of the river.” 

—

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A guy from Levack was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet. ’I  want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this  procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at  least 5 pounds.’When the guy from Levack returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly  60lbs! ’Why, that’s amazing!’ the doctor said, ‘Did you follow my
 instructions?’

Terry and his buddy Andy were doing some carpentry work on a Habitat for Humanity House.   Terry was nailing down the siding…he would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over his shoulder or nail it in.

Andy, was watching and wondering what the heck Terry was doing… so he asked, ‘Why are you throwing those nails away?’
Terry explained, ‘When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of
them have the head on the wrong end and I have to throw them away.’ Andy shook his head and said, ‘You moron! Those nails aren’t defective! They’re for the other side of the house!’

———

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