Archive for February, 2010
Friday’s Last Laff…
Friday, February 26th, 2010
A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.
She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.
She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers.
As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
“Are you the manager?” she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
“Actually, no,” he replied.
“Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,” she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
“I’m afraid I can’t,” breathed the bartender. “Is there anything I can do?”
“Yes. I need you to give him a message,” she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender’s lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
“What should I tell him?” the bartender managed to say.
“Tell him,” she whispered,
There’s no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.”
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Thursday’s Last Laff…
Thursday, February 25th, 2010
A Russian hockey player is walking down the street with a big bottle of vodka under his arm.
His friend sees him and says, ” Hey Yurgi! Whacha got the bottle of vodka for?”
” I got it for my wife, ” answers Yurgi.
” Oh!” says his friend, ” Good trade.”
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Wednesday’s Last Laff…
Wednesday, February 24th, 2010
California wine makers in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that actually acts as an anti-diuretic. It is expected to reduce the number of trips you have to make to the bathroom during the night. The new wine will be marketed as Pinot More.
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Tuesday’s Last Laff…
Tuesday, February 23rd, 2010
3 old men are talking…The first old guy says “I got a problem. I wake up at 7 and it takes me 20 minutes to pee”The second old guys says “that’s nothin’. My problem is I get up at 8 and grunt and groan for half an hour before I can poop”
The third old guy says “At 7 I pee like a horse and at 8 I crap like a cow!”
“So what’s your problem then?” ask the other 2.
“I don’t wake up til 9″
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Monday’s Last Laff…
Monday, February 22nd, 2010
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeders, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 KPH. Says he to himself: “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!” So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies – two in the front seat and three in the back – wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”
“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “you weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”
“Slower than the speed limit?” the old lady says.. ” No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly…Twenty-two kilometers an hour!”
The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22 is the highway number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error.
“But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask…Is everyone in this car OK? Your friends seem awfully shaken, ” the officer asks.
“Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Highway 189.”
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Friday’s Last Laff…
Friday, February 19th, 2010
5 rules for men to have a happy life…
1. Its important to have a woman who helps at home, cleans from time to time, makes meals every once in a while and has a job.
2. Its important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. Its important to have a woman you can trust and won’t lie to you.
4. Its important to have a woman who is good in bed and wants to be with you.
5. And, finally, it’s very important that these four women don’t know each other.
Signed Tiger Woods
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Thursday’s Last Laff…
Thursday, February 18th, 2010
OK…thanks to Angela from the Q-92 Newsroom for coming up with this morning’s last laff!
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A report came in of a car accident and a reporter happened to be close enough to get to the scene quickly.As expected a large crowd had gathered around.The reporter, anxious to get his story could not get near the car or see anything.
Being a clever sort he started shouting loudly “Let me through! let me through! I am the son of the victim.”
The crowd made way for him and lying in front of the car was a donkey.
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Wednesday’s Last Laff…
Wednesday, February 17th, 2010
A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife yells at her husband to stop the car.
There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road…the woman got out of the car too see if it was still alive…It was, and she said to her husband, ‘It’s nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?’
He says, ‘O. K., Get in the car with it.’
‘Where shall I put it to get it warm?’ the woman asks.
He says, ‘Put it under your armpit. It’s nice and warm there.”
‘But what about the smell?’ the woman asks.
Her husband says ‘Just hold its little nose.’
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Monday’s Last Laff…
Tuesday, February 16th, 2010
A family brings their elderly mother to a nursing home. The nurses bathe her and set her in a chair at a window.After a while, she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately straighten her up. Again, she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back to put her upright. This goes on all morning.
Later, the family arrives and asks, “Are they treating you all right?”
“It’s pretty nice,” the old woman replies. “Except they won’t let you fart”
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Friday’s Last Laff…
Friday, February 12th, 2010
A guy from Levack calls up his lawyer and asks. “With all those lawsuits going on I’m feeling kind of left out. How do I get in on some of that action? I hear that people are suing the cigarette companies because they got cancer and others are suing the fast food companies because they got themselves fat.”
His lawyer asks “And which one of those categories do you fit under?”
The man from Levack answers, “Neither. I just want to know if I can sue the Beer companies for all the ugly women I’ve slept with?”
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