It’s the first day of school and the teacher thought she’d get to know the kids by asking them their name and what their father does for a living.The first little girl says: “My name is Mary and my daddy is a postman.”The next little boy says: “I’m Andy and my Dad is a mechanic.”

So there’s this guy with a pet parrot. And this parrot swears like crazy. I mean he’s a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself.

Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird’s foul mouth is driving him crazy.

One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird, shakes him, and yells, “QUIT IT !” But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.

So then the man gets mad and says, “OK for you”, and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird, and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a ten minute swearing frenzy.At that point, the guy gets so mad, he picks up the bird and throw him in the freezer! For the first few seconds the bird is squaking, scratching and swearing like crazy…Then it suddenly gets very very quiet.At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. He gets so worried that he opens up the freezer door. And there’s the bird…the bird calmly climbs onto the man’s outstretched arm and says: “Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I’ll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on.”
The man is astounded. He can’t understand the transformation .

Then the parrot says, “By the way, what did the chicken do?”

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The Preacher stood up in front of his congregation and asked if anyone needed to be prayed over, to come forward to the front of the altar. Jeff gets in line. When he arrived at the front, the preacher asked “Jeff, what would you like for me to pray about?”

Jeff replied “Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing.” So the Preacher put one finger in Jeff’s ear and the other on top of Jeff’s head and began to pray. After a few minutes, the Preacher removed his hands, stood back, and asked “Jeff, how is your hearing now?”

Jeff stood up, shook the preacher’s hand and said “I don’t know Reverend. My hearing’s not till next week!”

–

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Once upon a time there was a female brain cell, which, by mistake happened to end up in a man’s head.  She looked around nervously because it was all empty and quiet.

“Hello?” she cried, but there was no answer.  “Is there anyone here?” she cried a little louder, but still…no answer.

Now, the female brain cell started to fell alone and scared.  So she yelled at the top of her voice “HELLO!  IS THERE ANYONE HERE?”

Then, she heard a faint voice from far…far away.

“We’re down here…”

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A man  was sitting on the couch watching TV when he heard his wife’s voice from the kitchen.

“What would you like for dinner, Love?  Beef, Chicken, or Lamb?”

Thinking she must have forgotten their earlier fight, he called back and said “Thank you, Babe.  I’ll have chicken!”

The reply was very quick.

“Screw you!  You’re having soup.  I was talking to the cat!”

———-

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Two young businessmen in Sudbury were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be opened new store in the mall.  The store wasn’t quite ready yet, with only a few shelves  and display racks set up. 
One guy said to the other, “I’ll bet any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face up against the window, and ask what we’re selling.”Sure enough, a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked, “What are you sellin’ here?”
One of the men replied sarcastically, “We’re selling Ugly Morons.”
“Oh,” says the senior, “You’re doing well. Only two left.”
———————

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Have you ever wondered..What If Celebrities Looked Like Their Names?  Well Bacon lovers..wonder no more!

“What seems to be the problem?” the doctor says
“Doc, I’ve got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,”
“Hmm.” Nods the doc
“My farts do not stink and you can’t hear them. It’s just that I fart all the time. Look, we’ve been talking here for about 10 minutes and I’ve farted five times. You didn’t hear them and you don’t smell them, do you?”

“Hmm,” says the Doctor. He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.
The patient is thrilled “Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?”
“No,” sighs the Doctor, “The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test.”

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Come on..Farts are funny! Even Mell farts, and when she does…it’s funny! The average person farts 14 times a day. If your uncomfortable with farts, maybe you just need to view Fart Etiquette!

And if you think farts ARE funny. Click HERE for the incredible Blue Fart Button!

Ahh bacon..is there anything you can’t do.  If your prego..Eat Bacon..NOW