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In the aftermath of the devastating story of Tori Stafford’s disappearance and tragic fate join CHFI for a special on-line chat with John Durant, Executive Director of Child Find Ontario.

Questions and Answers with John Durant, Executive Director of Child Find Ontario: 

Q: Most young kids know their family friends. How can you make them understand that it is dangerous to go with them if they ask them? - Jessie
A: You may not want to tell your child that it’s dangerous to go with them.  Let them know they should ask for permission from you, the parents before leaving anywhere with family members or friends.

Q: What are the top 5 things we need to be doing to keep our kids safe while still letting them have some level of independence? - Leslie
A: 1) Talk to your kids every day so they feel comfortable to come to you when they’re scared.  Especially teenagers.
2) The buddy system.  Make sure they stay with a friend or with the group.  Ex. If they go to the park to play baseball and their friend decides to go home, they should come home as well.
3) Establish a password.  If the parent is unable to pick up their child, the person they send should know the password and the child should ask for the password.  Once it’s used, then the password should be changed.  Also the password shouldn’t be told to any of their friends or classmates. 
4) Parents should always inform the school, daycare, community centre if someone else is going to be picking their child up.
5) Make sure your kids never except gifts (snacks, toys, etc..) from anyone without asking permission from their parents first.  Ex. if a parent that they know offers them a snack they should get permission from their parent before accepting it.  The reason for doing this is to setup a pattern that the child will always ask permission so that when they’re alone they won’t accept gifts from someone that might be harmful.

Q: I am so happy you are addressing this issue. I would like to talk to my daughter about stranger awareness, but she is a very sensitive 4 year old and I don’t know how to discuss this without scaring her. Any suggestions? - Leanne
A: For parents with young kids we use a “what if” game.  At the dinner table parents should ask things like “what if a stranger asked you to go find a lost puppy?”  or “what if a person you know asks you to go find a lost puppy?”  We encourage the child to be polite and that they will go home to get their mom or dad to help.  We teach kids that adults don’t ask kids for help. Adults ask adults for help.  Kids should know that.

Q: My question is…what do we tell our children as to “strangers” anymore? The people who hurt so many children are often someone who has some type of a relationship with them. Also, I have reinforced with my daughter about the code word and she knows that she never goes with anyone unless they have the code word we’ve agreed on or it’s one of her immediate relatives or friends! These measures in place, I am still very over protective as to where she goes & with whom.. so different from when I was her age as we had so much more freedom. In the wake of this horrific news, I am even more anxious when she is away from me and I don’t have the same ability to protect her and is also starting to want more freedom. Your feelings on this…my daughter is 12. - Pam
A: It comes back to communication and how mature the child is intellectually in making sound decisions.  The buddy system is really important for young girls.  She should make sure that she’s with a friend if she’s going to the movies or to the mall.  Kids should always keep in contact with their parents if plans change.  If the child is responsible and you feel it’s necessary a cell phone is a great way to keep in constant communication.  You should also get to know your kids friends.

Q: How do we let people know that we are uncomfortable with them picking up or hugging our kids? - Veronica
A: As an adult it’s well within your right to tell people what you are and are not comfortable with when it comes to your children.

Q: Should we tell our kids never to go anywhere with an aquaintance of the family without checking with mom or dad? What are some of the ways that kids might be lured away? What do these people say to the kids to get them to follow along?- Julie
A: Yes, children should always ask their parents before going anywhere with an aquaintance or a family member.  The most common ways that kids can be lured away include asking directions, a puppy, that there’s a family emergency and that they need to come.  For 10 - 12 year old girls they ask if they want their picture taken, they could be a model, etc.. One thing that is common is a person could pull up in a car and ask “Do you know where this street is?” The best thing is that they don’t answer at all and walk away.  However, sometimes kids feel they need to answer and in those cases we tell children to keep their distance and point but never be within arms reach. 

Q: Are there any programs out there that will role play with kids? IE: Undercover officers meeting up with parents with their kids at a playground and the officers would pose as strangers to the children. - Julie
A: Visit www.ontario.childfind.ca for some programs that we have for role playing.

Q: My 16 year old thinks that she is street smart - but criminals are much more advanced and have devious methods of attracting kids regardless of their age. What can I tell her in order to protect her? - Lorraine
A: In this situation at this age, it’s important to discuss real life occurances that have happened.  Go through the papers with her or pull up stories off the internet and show her what can happen without scaring her.  Find out from her what she would’ve done, she may in fact be very street-smart.

Q: My 10 year old daughter is very friendly and often when we go out she always find someone to converse with. How do I caution her about her friendliness without hurting her feelings? - Carlene
A: It’s just a matter of continuously re-enforcing that she shouldn’t be as friendly with people she doesn’t know.  Have your daughter introduce her “friends” to you so you can get to know them.

Q: How do you explain about the tragic story of little Tori to a class of immigrant women who have just recently arrived in Canada and trust this to be a safe place for them and their families? My classes are worried this will happened to their children. - Karen
A: Providing them with the basic information of what transpired, and what the outcome was.  The child left with someone other than the person that was supposed to pick her up from school.  There was no communication to either parent that there was a change.  If there’s a change of plan parents should always be notified by the child, and vice versa.  You can tell your class that statistically this doesn’t happen often.  Annually there’s over 60,000 children reported missing in Canada to law enforcement.  In 2007 there were 20,000 missing children reported in the province of Ontario, and 17 were abductions.

Q: What is the legal age that kids can walk home from school and what are steps that the parent can take to ensure their safety? - Nicole
A: I’m not certain if there is a legal age for kids to walk home from school on their own.  I know that kids can legally babysit at 12 years old.  From my point of view  I would not encourage a child to walk alone by themselves.  It’s always better if they walk the streets with a companion.  It’s not just abduction that can occur, it’s general safety.  Things like fights, accidents, bullies, etc.. It’s better to teach the child that it’s safer to be with someone than to be alone.  I would encourage this also to a woman coming home late by herself.

~ Thank you for your participation.  The following are the comments we’ve referenced, some are duplicates and if you have any ideas or tips you can continue to comment ~