Archive for July, 2012
Tuesday, July 31st, 2012
There has been a lot of people critical of the Olympics so far. Most of these people would also likely be critical of a free candy and puppy giveaway or the funding of an orphanage, however, Debbie Downers aside, I would say there may be few tweeks that could be made to the Olympics.
Here is how we can perhaps improve some of the the Olympic events.
Archery – Archery sucks because there are no moving targets. Know what targets would move? Other archers.
Beach volleyball – Enough with the teasing. It’s time to go fully nude.
Boxing – Ignore boxing and replace it with UFC. It’s time the Olympics does what everyone else has done.
Cycling – Super Mario Cart rules. You can throw turtle shells and banana peels at your opponent.
Diving – Every diver must do one bellyflop and one cannonball in competition or they are disqualified. Biggest splash get the highest score. Common sense. If they attempt a Rodney Dangerfield in Back to School dive they immediately win the gold medal provided they also armpit fart.
Gymnastics – Distract the competitors by surrounding the competition floor with things they were never allowed to have growing up: like video games, and cheeseburgers and fun.
Hurdles – Every third hurdle is a midget which attempts to punch you in the groin.
Judo – Every player must have a fatal finishing move.
Jumping – Long jump, triple jump, pole vault, high jump. What are these people jumping over? Exactly. Nothing. It’s time to add some alligator pits.
Rhythmic Gymnastics – “Rhythmic gymnastics” is basically a euphemism for sex. So just make this is sex competition.
Sailing – Hold the competition in Somali pirate-infested waters. It’s time to see how fast these guys can really sail.
Table Tennis – Table Tennis gets replaced with Foosball. It’s time other basement non-sports get a fair shake.
Triathlon – Swimming, biking, running. Why limit it to those forms of transportation. How about swimming, biking, flying a jet, skipping.
Water Polo – No clock. Games don’t end until one competitor drowns.
Weightlifting – Competitors must keep trying to do more weight until they get a hernia or a leg shatters. Prove to us you’re giving your all!
Wrestling – Enough with the teasing. It’s time to go fully nude.
Today’s Bonus Code: FIX IT
Monday, July 30th, 2012
Friday, July 27th, 2012
The opening ceremonies of the London 2012 Olympics start at noon today.
I love the Olympics and some of my best (and worst, thanks Ben Johnson) sports memories are as a result of the Olympics.
Every Olympics produces some memorable moments, but here are some of the ones that stand out for me.
Derek Redmond tears his hamstring and his dad helps him finish. What sports is truly about.
Kerri Strug helps her team win team gold on an injured ankle.
This one erased all the horrible memories of 1988 and Ben Johnson.
Donovan Bailey wins gold in 1996
And this one I actually like more that Bailey’s win, the 1996 4X100 metre relay with Canada annihilating the US.
Enjoy the Olympics!
Today’s Bonus Code: HIGHER, FASTER, STRONGER
Thursday, July 26th, 2012
So some baby bears got caught in a dumpster and where unable to get out.
They were crying all night as was there mom who wasn’t far away which kept people who live close awake that night.
So the next day they decide to do something about it. What follows is pretty cool.
Today’s Bonus Code: BEAR RESCUE
Wednesday, July 25th, 2012
It is no secret that I am not a fan of the Big Bang Theory.
Last week I railed against the show being up (again) for the Best Comedy Emmy Award.
Some of you tweeted me and called in wondering how I couldn’t like the show, however I just don’t find it funny and I think that some of you are fooled into thinking it is funny by the dreaded laugh track.
So let’s watch this scene from Big Bang Theory without the laugh track.
Dreadfully unfunny. I rest my case.
Today’s Bonus Code: IS THIS FUNNY?
Tuesday, July 24th, 2012
So the other day I went through a drive thru to grab a quick bite.
After I paid, I thought about it and figured the price seemed a bit much.
That is when I saw the receipt and noticed that I paid $3.69 for a large soda.
You read that right $3.69.
$3.69 for less than a litre of soda.
$3.69 for some syrup and water that maybe cost .25 cents.
I can no longer complain about the price of gas.
Today’s Bonus Code: GOUGED
Monday, July 23rd, 2012
The Dark Knight Rises has successfully dominated the box office with an estimated 160 million dollar opening weekend (a record for 2-D movies).
One has to think though that next summer the Superman reboot directed by Zack Snyder (300) and produced by The Dark Knight trilogy’s Christopher Nolan will be the movie of the summer.
The first teaser trailers were released this weekend.
Today’s Bonus Code: MAN OF STEEL
Friday, July 20th, 2012
I have an idea that Fred Willard was saying “wha’ happened” this week.
The brilliant comedic actor was arrested for masturbating in an adult theatre.
Isn’t that what people go to an adult theatre to do?
My favorite person on twitter @JennyJohnsonHi5 summed the whole thing up perfectly: “Going to jail for masturbating in a porno theater is like getting arrested for walking into a Quiznos and ordering a sandwich.”
I’ve often said the same thing about Pee Wee Herman, I think he got a raw deal. Unfortunately for Pee Wee the internet with its bevy of pornography wasn’t around yet.
I don’t know what Mr. Willard’s excuse is but someone should really tell him about the interweb.
Today’s Bonus Code: WHA’ HAPPENED?
Thursday, July 19th, 2012
Yesterday I was reading the Fort McMurray Today and came upon my favorite weekly feature – “Bricks and Bouquets”. You are likely familiar with this, people can anonymously bitch about anything they well please.
Well this one stuck out like a sore thumb.
“A brick to 2012 — the year that the Death of Fort McMurray is being orchestrated. They plan to tear down the local watering hole of the people who actually do the work here and keep the place alive. In its place they will construct a more politically correct (Twilight Zone) for those few left in town to enjoy, perhaps another strip mall or whatever! I for one will not be among them.”
Of course this brick thrower is referring to Diggers, the Oil Can and Teasers being closed after this weekend, he (or she) is doing so with the overdramatic stylings of a 14 year old girl.
Let’s examine this closer. My comments will be italics.
“A brick to 2012 — the year that the Death of Fort McMurray is being orchestrated. Really?! The death of Fort McMurray? So tearing down an eyesore of a building and beginning to develop a downtown that will rival Canada’s major centre’s is killing this town? That is rich. They plan to tear down the local watering hole of the people who actually do the work here and keep the place alive. Well, you at least got something right here. It is a place frequented by transient workers. But that is just it, you are transient workers, you have been coming here since they first discovered oil here, you will keep coming here so long as there is oil here. Don’t overestimate your importance to Fort McMurray, besides contributing your loonies to the strippers at Teasers, what do you contribute? In its place they will construct a more politically correct (Twilight Zone) for those few left in town to enjoy, perhaps another strip mall or whatever! Well I don’t know for sure what is going in it’s place, but if it is a strip mall (it likely isn’t) I am all for it, we are short two million square feet of retail space in this city. Bring on whatever goes in it’s place because at least what does go there won’t be shown by every outside media outlet as what the “real” Fort McMurray is like, because it isn’t. I for one will not be among them. Don’t let the door hit you on the ass on your way out of town.
Today’s Bonus Code: SEE YA!
Wednesday, July 18th, 2012
Potential Event for Fort McMurray Olympics
The Hospital Street Pot Hole Triple Jump
Because Hospital steet has more potholes than smooth pavement this event will no doubt be challenging. Competitors will have to make three successive jumps on Hospital Street without landing in a pothole.
The competitor who goes the furthest will win.
The Dodge the Cougar at the Oil Can
These predatory animals stick close to their hydration sources, however you also need to get to said hydration source. You have to get a drink from the bar without being asked how you are doing by a cougar.
The women’s side of this competition involves getting as many free drinks as you can without being asked to dance or just being danced up on.
The Spruceland Lumber Car Agility Trials
The competitor with the fastest u-turn to bypass the lights at highway 63 and confed will win the gold medal.
The Find an Alternate Route because of Construction Marathon
As is typical in modern mcmurray the route from the marathon has had to constantly change due to road construction. In fact from the time the marathon starts until the time the marathon ends the route may have changed 5-10 times.
We have left it up to competitors to find alternate routes around the road construction. We wish them luck.
Parking inside yellow lines
This is as simple as it sounds, it however must be difficult because so few people can actually do it in this city.
Today’s Bonus Code: HIGHER FASTER STRONGER