Archive for August, 2011
Wednesday, August 31st, 2011
This weekend at the mall I saw a kid playing on his PSP while walking.
First off, when I was a kid, the mall was more than enough stimulation on its own. There is plenty to see and do, and this mall is 150 times better than the mall in Estevan, Saskatchewan (I will let you use your imagination).
Secondly, it should not be up to people to avoid walking into an eight year old kid playing on a portable video game system.
Third, I wanted to “lunch tray slap” that PSP out of his hand.
If the kid would have looked up from his electronic crack he would have seen a huge snake. Safari Jeff and Shannon were in the mall displaying all kinds of cool animals. How often as a kid do you get a chance to see a huge snake?!
We have to stop over-stimulating kids on these toys, if a snake isn’t going to get a kids attention, what will?
Today’s blog bonus code: OVER-STIMULATION
Tuesday, August 30th, 2011
When Ed Stelmach does officially leave office Fort McMurray will have lost one of the best friends it ever had.
The Premier made his final visit to the city yesterday and was given the key to the region by Mayor Melissa Blake and she also made him an honorary citizen for life.
A small tribute to a Premier that has invested in Fort McMurray itself than any other politician before him, some 2.5 billion dollars to be exact.
And that investment actually continued yesterday as Stelmach broke ground on the airport expansion and perhaps more importantly signed a memorandum of understanding and the development of the Urban Development Sub Region.
That will allow them to speed up the rate at which infrastructure is developed here in the Municipality and may end up being the biggest investment of infrastructure in our region that any Premier has ever made.
Given the fact that most Premier’s before him viewed our area as a cash cow to allow the Government to fund projects in Calgary in Edmonton, Stelmach’s time has been like coming out of the dark ages.
One can only hope his successor is half as good to us as he has been.
This morning’s blog bonus code: GOODBYE ED
Monday, August 29th, 2011
So last night the MTV VMA’s were held and like every year they had their share of ridiculousness.
Lady Gaga was a man, they gave Britney Spears a lifetime achievement award (which I presume is for her sultry videos leading to unprecedented teen pregnancy), and Chris Brown danced to Nirvana.
That’s right Chris Brown danced to “Smells Like Teen Spirit” and I presume Kurt Cobain rolled over in his grave.
What aggravated me more than that was the amount of tweets and Facebook statuses after his performance which started off like this “I know Chris Brown beat up Rihanna and all, but (he’s so talented, or we should seperate the man and his music)”
I am dumbstruck by this attitude, ESPECIALLY FROM WOMEN!
Allow me to remind you of what Chris Brown did.
Yeah, but let’s forget about this because he is such a good dancer. Give me a break.
There have been a lot better people lose their careers for a hell of a lot less than Chris Brown did, and believe me when I say it won’t be the last time Chris Brown beats up his partner. People like him don’t just stop beating up women.
Today’s blog bonus code: GIVE YOUR HEAD A SHAKE
Friday, August 26th, 2011
Jim Carrey successfully took the creepy, old guy routine to a new level yesterday after uploading this video to the lovely Emma Stone (Zombieland, Easy A).
Ace Ventura says it was a joke, and he is not known for being serious, however the internet blew up with rumours that he is close to a nervous breakdown etc., etc. If you are going to suffer a nervous breakdown, an Emma Stone induced nervous breakdown would also be my prefrerred method.
Anyway as a guy who has generally dated women younger than me (not creepy just 3-6 years younger…..what? It’s not like I’m Wooderson from Dazed and Confused here!) What is the maximum age gap that will work in a relationship?
Today’s blog bonus code is a rule that is supposedly the gospel on this matter: HALF YOUR AGE PLUS SEVEN
Thursday, August 25th, 2011
Last night I had a chance to experience the new Tim Horton’s drive thru in Thickwood and kept a running diary.
7:40pm- The drive thru is empty, hence this will not be a true test of whether or not this drive thru will work as hoped.
7:41pm- I have to choose which of the two lanes to navigate my vehicle thru, this will eventually end up like choosing which cashier you take at the grocery store.
7:43pm- I get near the new order box only to find that the two lanes merge into one. THE TWO LANES MERGE INTO ONE? Is there not enough merging in Fort McMurray? Also there is no way this will not lead to people who placed their order first being cut off by some shifty person. Then what do you have? Chaos.
7:45pm- Place order (1 large double-double, 1 medium Ice Capp). The nice attendant then tells us which car we are behind when we merge. If only this could somehow be incorporated into construction traffic.
7:46pm- I listen to see how the attendant describes my vehicle to the person behind me in the other lane. It is apparentely green (gold).
7:46pm- Just realized that if they have cameras to see which vehicles should be first, they saw me picking my nose.
7:48pm- Get my coffee, enjoy it. But realize that at 7pm this idea may work, I am skeptical about its effectiveness at 7AM.
Today’s blog bonus code: NOT A GIANT LEAP FORWARD
Wednesday, August 24th, 2011
Yesterday I got caught watching “What Not to Wear” (I am a man in a relationship, this will happen).
I found myself looking forward to the commercials so I could see what other quality programming TLC or “The Learning Channel” as they used to be known, has.
Here is what I learned while watching The Learning Channel.
- I learned how to make your vagina the equivelant to a clown car by watching 19 Kids and Counting
- I learned that dressing like a slut and not really having any personality is a surefire way to find yourself dating a horrible person that is also a nazi by watching LA Ink
- I learned that eating plastic, chalk, toilet paper will not neccisarily make you constipated by watching My Strange Addiction
- I learned that if you are a raging bitch with 8 kids, the chances of someone wanting to date you are slim to none by watching Kate Plus 8
- I learned that if you are a “little person” life is tough, but it is also wacky especially if you have been arrested for DUI by watching Little People, Big World
- I learned that there are thousands of people willing to make their daughters the targets of pedophiles everywhere by watching Toddlers and Tiaras
This morning’s blog bonus code: THE LEARNING CHANNEL?
Tuesday, August 23rd, 2011
Dear Beer Companies,
I believe you should develop some kind of internal policy amongst yourselves (kinda like the meeting of the families on The Godfather) to only have twist tops on your products.
There is nothing worse than going to a BBQ or get together only to find that the beer I bought is not a twist top, but a pry top and I have to constantly bug someone with a lighter or a bottle opener to open my tasty beverage.
I don’t understand why the pry top even exists anymore. I have never heard anyone who opens a pry top beer say “wow, that is so much fresher and better tasting than those stupid twist top beers”.
This may be the most important work you ever do, aside from developing another way to fool people who like horrible beer by changing the colors of the cans.
Thank you for your consideration in this matter.
Today’s blog bonus code: GET IT TOGETHER
Monday, August 22nd, 2011
On Friday I awoke from my typical afternoon nap (a must when you wake up at 3:30am) to find that I had 5 text messages and 3 missed calls.
Normally this can only mean that there is some sort of work emergency. But upon further inspection I found that the calls and messages were from friends and family back home in Saskatchewan. The Roughriders had fired Head Coach Greg Marshall and Offensive Co-ordinator Doug Berry.
This was really cause for celebration. These two had taken a team that had been to back to back Grey Cups and turned them into an abysmal 1-7 club that looked nothing like the team that is a perennial contender.
After each Rider game I talk with my family back home and we wax poetic about how what we feel the team should be doing. Normally we know that the brilliant football minds in the CFL are smarter than us about the game we love so much. However, this time around I am fairly certain that my entire family, including the two family dogs could out coach Greg Marshall and especially Doug Berry (I mean seriously who calls a shotgun draw on 3rd and 1, 3RD AND 1. The defense already starts a yard off the line! Why are you starting 5 yards behind said line!)
Anyways, the Labour Day classic is coming up, and no matter how you do in any other game, the Classic is the game you must win. And especially now that Winnipeg thinks they are something with their whole “Swaggerville” nonsense (Little known fact, 95% of Winnipegers have no idea what Swagger is. They assume it is some sort of high end acid wash). Therefore Dumb and Dumber had to go so we at least had a shot to win.
Our afternoon drive man Mark Neskar is from Winnipeg and a big Bombers fan.
Stay tuned, a bet for the ages may be coming.
Today’s blog bonus code: DON’T LET THE DOOR HIT YOU ON THE WAY OUT
Friday, August 19th, 2011
Recently I got a bit fed up with Facebook. Specifically some people that were posting on our Rock 97.9 Facebook Page.
One of the best parts of my job is being able to interact with people on social media platforms during my show. I love it. But recently we had some guys on our Facebook page complaining intensly about Fort McMurray and using terms like “Fort Crack” and that “90 percent of people in this town are on drugs”. So rather than argue with people whose minds you are not going to change, I banned them.
Now while that may be an over-reaction, there are just certain things I cannot deal with on Facebook. Negativity about my home is a big one. Here are some others.
Vague-booking- We have all seen this one. “Stephanie wishes this would all go away”. “Milt would love it if people had something to say to me they would just say it”. Ugh, get over it, and yourself. You are looking for pity and you are not going to find it from me.
Mr or Mrs. “I play every Facebook Game”- They need water for farmville, they want you to join their mafia. I want you to take a long walk off a short pier.
Mr or most likely Mrs. “I love my boyfriend so much”- I am not anti-love. But not everyone cares. I used to know a girl who had this for every facebook status. “I love ______(boyfriend) and _______ (dog) so much. I don’t know what I would do without them.” Guess what? Her and Mr. _____ broke up. She then became a Vague-booker. I face-dumped her.
These are just a few petty annoyances, I am certain I am not alone.
Today’s blog bonus code: A LIFE LESS INTERESTING
Thursday, August 18th, 2011
A Taste of Fort McMurray goes this Sunday from 12-4 at the Legion in Waterways. I will be live tweeting reviews from the event. Make sure that you follow both me @Nolan_H and @Rock979 for all the early details of what you should check out.
Also be listening this morning for an interview with the organizers of this great event.
Thank god twitter is only 140 characters otherwise I may have ended up like Homer Simpson when he becomes a food critic.
Today’s blog bonus code: NOM NOM