I always like the Thursday blog because I usually just take my column (you can find it in today’s edition of the Medicine Hat News along with the bonus word) and paste it here. Today is no exception.
It’s about that time of the year when 90 per cent of all New Year resolution makers ultimately make the following statement, ‘I’ll try again on Monday’. Stereotypically, beginning to better yourself on the worst day of the week never made a whole lot of sense to me but then again this is coming from the guy who thought Nair was skin lotion. (And I still have the hairless body parts to prove it). It’s also my second rate opinion that as individuals, we put too much pressure to transform ourselves from Clark Kent to Superman in a matter of minutes although I’m not sure if a unitard and matching cape is an improvement over sensible shoes. Being a man of pristine laziness and always wanting to do tomorrow what could have been today, I’ve borrowed some resolutions over the years that have me served relatively well and now I’d like to share those stolen ideas. 1. Procrastinate. Normally viewed as a lacking quality, procrastination has saved many a work friendship when you’re no longer viewed as the over achiever. For those who excel at not starting what they finish, this should be an easy goal for anyone who desires . . . . . . (See what I mean? It’s that easy) 2. Gain Weight. Defy the pressure of society and Hollywood diets and be your own person, starting with that pack of ding-dongs in aisle four. Why set yourself up to fail when it’s so much easier to succeed at ordering the dinner for three when you’re eating alone. Someone needs to ensure that Oreo Cookie factory workers remain employed so why not gain ten pounds instead of losing ten. 3. Minimize bathing. Not only will you save on water, you’ll save yourself time for other parts of life’s activities, like starting on your book you have no intention of finishing or giving you those extra moments to ensure your bacon is extra crispy. (Please see resolutions one and two) It’s also a good way to test those around you who often comment that ‘they love you for who you are’. 4. Less is More. My all time favorite and the only resolution that I’ve committed to since the beginning of the millennium; no more resolutions. With no iron will required nor the use of daily dusty thigh-master squeezes, dedicating yourself to not having a goal is a sure fire means of guaranteed success. Good luck and now if you’ll excuse me, there’s a stack of dishes in the sink I need to ignore.