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So we kicked off the first day of our Rock 105.3 World Tour in Brooks this morning and I wanted to thank all the dudes and dudettes for stopping in to say hello.

We talked mustache tips with the Mayor of Brooks, Mr. Martin Shields aside from many other worldly topics, like how some russian space junk was designated for a crash landing in the city until it splashed down in the Atlantic instead.

I discussed fishing with Jason, tattoos with Justin and Harleys with Hippie.

I also learnt that no matter how much older you get, guys still like talking about guy stuff. And while I can’t remember the dude’s name, we spent a good 20 minutes this morning comparing scars.

Tomorrow we’ll be broadcasting from the Firehouse at C.F.B. Suffield and I’ll need to find out what exactly a ‘kangaroo rat’ is. I thought this province was rat free?

If you’ve been experiencing the same problems that we have at the Rock 105.3 World Headquarters in terms of ticking off the paper boy so he refuses to deliver the paper, I can offer at least piece of writing, the latest ramblings from my noggin’.

For the Love of Commercials?

Whether you’re watching TV, listening to the radio or even checking out Friday The 13th: Part 28 on the big screen, commercials have become an intricate part of our lives. Much like death, taxes and gophers, advertisements are everywhere and within the innards of commercials themselves, I have noticed something very appealing about the 30 second blips as I contemplate whether I should opt for the Aqua globes or the Aero garden with next week’s paycheck.

Back when a 25” television was considered big, this nation of ours would exercise their remote control flipper fingers between CBC English and CBC French, make runs to the bathroom, start a meal, clean the walk, anything to avoid that 2 minute void known as the commercial break.

Ironically, I find myself paying more attention to ads now than ever, often increasing the volume to 11 and it has nothing to do with the near magical powers of Sham-wow or Snuggee but more so the music that accompanies the ad.

The Genuis of Madmen

Long gone are the nameless jingles created by some 5th rate musician and his keytar. Now more than ever, marketing brainiacs have incorporated songs of our generation- songs that have meaning and memories – into the grand advertising scheme. These are the very same songs now considered to be the lull of the siren, tempting us to purchase ‘hair in a can’ or any other Ron Popeil product, all the while playing with our failing minds and what mental pictures we can retain of the 70’s and 80’s.

So please grab your TV tray and Hungryman dinner as we explore a sliver or two of commercials that get the fingers snapping and inevitably open up the draw strings on your coin purse.

Product Propaganda

It’s because of Aretha Franklin that I have suffered an affliction for the Whopper and nothing else. I’m positive I don’t know what it means to have something ‘flame broiled’ but I do remember the song ‘Freeway of Love’ and the accompanying commercial that went it. Suffice it to say my love for the fast food burger is as strong the primal urges geese get when it’s time to fly south.

My father, a natural born salesman, used to tell me that everything has its price and even the Beatles weren’t impervious to the almighty dollar. ‘Revolution’ was the theme for many a Nike ad and if that kind of footwear was good enough for Ringo, I’m sure it’s almost good enough for the rest of us.

I always thought myself to be a ‘Chevy Man’ just because that’s the way it goes. While half of our vehicles parked in the semi slippery driveway still carry the GMC trademark I wonder if that percentage would have been altered had it not been for a couple of my favorite artists. ‘Like a Rock’ by Bob Seger has me fantasizing of dropping oversized pieces of concrete and steel into a truck bed from dizzying heights. And while I can’t see myself runnin’ a Cadillac anytime soon, mental pictures of blue hairs flying the devil’s horns with ‘Rock’N’Roll’ by Led Zeppelin being blasted out of a Seville make me smile.

Now back to our regularly scheduled program

I used to get my back up and the hair attached to it when I’d hear ‘my’ songs being used in conjunction with products ranging from toilet brushes to cardboard doilies. It was pointed out to me that these songs were never mine to begin with and the memories associated with them are different for everyone. I’ll admit that’s a decent and fair statement but songs like ‘Start Me Up’ from the Rolling Stones should remind you of the time you woke up in the back of a moving Greyhound bus, not the time you bought computer software.

I’ll admit that I’m a little proud today after receiving a few comments concerning my ‘good hair’.

It’s been quite some time since I’ve had a good hair day if you know what I’m talking about as ‘good hair’ days just happen, kinda like the sunrise.

No, I didn’t have the hair crimper out this morning but I did apply some Dippity Do to the coif.

I had big big plans last weekend as we head into our 4 day work week and it’s still weighing on my mind.

My plans had been created, time had been set aside and meetings with friends had the green light. It was to be a weekend of carousing and local music, Black Tooth Grin and Mustang were in my sights and yet it didn’t happen.

I fell asleep on my Saturday night and 36 hours later, I’m still kicking myself for closing the lids on the single most exciting day of the week. I woke up groggy and disoriented, much like any typical post weekend outing except in this case, I had no excuse for falling asleep in the first place.

To be completely honest, I know why I fell asleep. The trials and tribulations of getting older are beginning to take hold.

Okay, maybe not but it’s still a movie of epic proportions.

I was going to spew about my ongoing boycott of Valentine’s Day (roughly 9 years now) but then Tony and I got talking about Westerns and the next thing you know I’m craving some good ole’ mustache men movies. In this example, Tombstone.

Hard to believe that Val Kilmer is the voice of the new Knight Rider which is probably the lamest show on the tube since ’227′ because his version of Doc Holliday was phenomenal.

Even if you don’t like westerns, watching Kurt Russell, Kilmer and the one and only Sam Elliott clean up the O.K. Corrall is worth the rental, if not the purchase.

‘I got two guns, one for each of ya’, brings back some very fond memories.

*I also think that any man that wants to run the push broom should stick to one of the four examples in the above picture.*

If your mail delivery has been suspended due to a lack of clean sidewalks and you weren’t able to flip through the pages of the Medicine Hat News, here’s one article from today’s paper, mine.

Hurrah for Hallmark

I’m not anti-Valentine’s Day nor am I for it but I’d sure support February 14th with a lot more gusto the day it becomes a national statutory holiday. Despite urban rumors that this forced day of love and affection was spurred from the cockle’s of some dude’s heart, the day of love is one with ulterior motives. I personally believe it was a day concocted by the same people who write those sappy lines for card stores or in other words, a make work project.

Now if one only stopped to smell the proverbial roses and not look deeper, we could end this column here and now but you know that’s not the case. If you look past the roses and dip the schnozz well into the vase of Valentine’s Day, you’ll find a hornet’s nest full of mediums all pressuring us to max out the credit cards for the greater good of love.

The Proof

Maybe I’ve read too many conspiracy books but let’s look at the movie industry, starting with Top Gun. It’s about a bunch of jet fighter pilots with cool nicknames that ride motorbikes with no helmets and would seemingly appear to be a guy’s movie. And then you hear the song ‘Take my Breath Away’ from the soundtrack and you have to question the ‘Aqua Velva’ factor from such a flick. Was this movie really made to appeal to the testosterone of men or was it a vehicle for Berlin and their big love song? With the exception of Valentine’s Day, you never hear that song and for good reason, it stinks.

Let’s take a peek at another flick, say, ‘Footloose’. Kevin Bacon plays the role of a rebel that has the thin lipped actor driving a tractor in the now famous ‘playing chicken with a tractor’ scene. By all accounts, it doesn’t seem like your typical romantic V-Day flick but then you hear ‘Almost Paradise’ by Mike Reno and Ann Wilson and you gotta’ wonder how such a song came to pass as you’re sitting in row two of the movie theatre with the guys from work.

‘Armageddon’. Now this is a flick that suckered any man who owns a denim vest into believing this was a man’s movie. Meteors and rockets, offshore drilling and manly camaraderie, what blue blooded dude wouldn’t want to see this? Even if it does have Ben Affleck in it, the main guy is Bruce Willis, the king of action flicks. It’s a testosterone induced piece of Hollywood until ‘Don’t Wanna Miss A Thing’ is blasting out of the speakers at which point the movie ushers start handing out boxes of Kleenex en masse.

The Exception
Much like the ‘i before e except after c’ rule, even a poorly constructed holiday does have an exception or two and in this case, it’s ‘Harley Davidson & The Marlboro Man’. Don Johnson, Mickey Rourke and Big John Stud live the life as big bad bikers with hearts of gold. The song in question is none other than Bon Jovi’s ‘Dead or Alive’. Sure, the lyrics are lame, the tempo is slow and the guitar is acoustic but the combination of Jon Jon’s voice backed up by a couple of hogs on the open road makes me want to quip ‘a steel horse I ride’ with pride. I may even slide those 90 minutes into my top loading VHS machine this afternoon.

And if you’ve got an idea or want to chat, you can find me at Medicine Hat’s Best Rock, Rock 105.3 at 403-529-1053 every weekday morning starting at 5:30 or drop me a line at www.rock1053.ca

Niki and I and the rest of the Rock 105.3 staff got into a heated discussion today over body hair and how the double standard applies to men and women. Typically, a man’s manliness is judged by the amount of hairs on his chest and likewise, the lack of hair on a woman’s legs.

*note: It was pointed out to me that the opposite happens in certain European countries.

I also have a very difficult time trusting men that shave anything other than their head or face. Case in point, Michael Phelps.

I actually plan on bringing this topic to the mic tomorrow morning so if you’re hairy as an ape or a shaved down gorilla, feel free to give me a ring. 403-529-1053.

**note: The above picture is that of a woman’s legs by the way.

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I’ve been to Elkwater many times on the Road King but this past weekend I left the bike at home in lieu of the family and actually spent a full day/night in Elkwater and I can’t wait to head back.

Aside from 4 hours of hiking and sore feet due to new climbing shoes, (and even that was extremely enjoyable), it was a smorgasboard of entertainment, including being serenaded by a little old lady who said, “Every day I wake up it’s a good day”. Now, how can you argue with that?

Remember the movie ‘Funny Farm’ when Chevy Chase wanted to sell the house so he hired some locals to release wildlife during opportune moments in front of possible buyers? That’s how I felt at Elkwater except this was the real deal. I had a chance to see Bambi and her family, not to mention a wild turkey that was gobbling at our hotel doorstep.

The highlight however, came when Dr. Jake and I stumbled upon 3 moose, hidden in the bush, not more than 30 feet away from me. I can say with much assurance this is the only time I ran faster than my dog because I’ve heard and read and watched what happens when you cross Bullwinkle, and the point at the end of the match never goes to the human.

With or without the Road King, I anticipate my next venture to the Cypress Hills with much vigor.

It’s bad enough that you and I have to put up with the dude who insists on taking his shirt off for every activity he attempts. Golfing, cutting the grass, holding a shovel, there’s always at least one guy who thinks “he’s the man” and therefore must show off his six pack and enormous ego at every opportunity.

We’re all very familiar with half naked guy but fortunately in the winter season, ‘half naked guy’ hibernates between the gym and the aisle of protein shakes.

Yesterday, Niki saw ‘half naked guy’ chipping away at some ice. The temperature was +2 yesterday, not +42.

This is the same guy who would walk around half naked at the office if he could get away with it. This is the same guy who owns 14 mirrors in his one bedroom apartment and insists on looking at himself at every passable chance, including ‘flexing the guns’ while walking by some display window.

My question is ‘why’? You’re not impressing the old lady that looks out of her living room window nor anyone else for that matter.

And should some attractive woman drive by I can promise you that you’re not ‘making her hot’. If anything, you’re taking yourself out of the gene pool and eliminating any chances you have of scoring with the ladies because you have no shirt on when it +2 and only further confirms that your IQ is lower than the outside temperature.

Add to this, I highly doubt the six guys you’re working with want to see your pecs and your waxed chest so put your mesh T-shirt back on, okay?

Eric Tillman, Michael Phelps, Ben Johnson and countless others have thrown it all away. (well, Tillman hasn’t but time will tell)

You know what I’m talking about. Guys that had the world as their oyster, only to throw it away.

I won’t discuss Tillman until the jury is out and I can’t really remember the whole Ben Johnson thing (due to an excess lifestyle) but a picture is worth a thousand words in the case of Michael Phelps. In this scenario, it’s video footage of Olympic champion Michael Phelps pulling on a bong.

Now, if you’re someone with nothing to lose, ie: don’t have millions of dollars in sponsorships and 8 gold medals, do what you will. In the case of Mr. Phelps, a little discretion would have made all the difference between standing on top of the world vs standing in line at a taco stand.

It’s like making minimum wage all your life, winning the lottery and then throwing away the ticket after spending your life savings.

p.s. I realize I could have posted the million dollar of picture of Michael but if you’re already reading this, I’m sure you won’t have a problem finding all sorts of pictures.