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What you won’t find here is today’s bonus word which can be snagged from the latest edition of the Medicine Hat News. (Sept 2/2010)

What you will find in both the paper and below, today’s column.

The shaking of fingers, the furrowing of foreheads and last minute reminders of shoelace etiquette was all a facade because if you listened real hard this past Monday morning, you could hear the silent yet jubilant scream of parents everywhere. As fist pumping and chest thumping from an army of weary Moms and Dads was the priority across suburbs and farmhouses alike, tomorrow’s future headed back to school for another 200 days of the growing of the brain.  Unfortunately, it’s our generation that should make the trek to the big yellow bird and not necessarily for a refresher course on how to use a protractor because just for few moments, imagine if our politicians and playmakers used the laws of the playground to run the world.

1. The Drinking Fountain Rule.  No matter how times you got ‘called over’ during an intense match of Red Rover, when recess ended you were allowed five seconds in front of the drinking fountain and woe to the individual that would exceed that golden opportunity.  This rule would also apply to check out lines in stores everywhere and should you exceed the allotted time for paying for your six ply toilet paper and duck boots, prepare to suffer the queen of all wedgies at the hands of your fellow shoppers.  As an added bonus, this rule would generate much more interesting conversation than the typical, ‘Is it hot enough for ya’?’ ice breaker.

2. No Telling Rule.  No one likes a tattle-tale, especially after you’ve tested out your new four letter vocabulary on the tarmac playground, courtesy of your pipelining, beer swilling, side boom operator, Uncle Frank.  Entire mountain ranges have been created out mole hills and countless hours of red tape have been examined with a high powered magnifying glass but it doesn’t have to be that way.  Reflecting back to the unofficial grade four textbook of social interaction in  the chapter of ‘conflicting opinions’, let the supervisors, managers and inspectors to their own devious devices and do what the kids do; go right to the source of the problem and deal with it head on.  The boss saves on paperwork, you save face and I’d like to think we’ve become a civilized society where most issues can be rectified over a beer and a handshake without having to call in the heavies. 

3. Ask before Borrowing Rule.  Many a parent have instilled this rule into the moldable minds of their offspring while incorporating the ‘do as I say and not as I do’ law unto themselves.  I’ve lost more power tools and have witnessed the disappearance of the majority of my Ratt cassette tapes (that’s right, I like the cassette) all because of some half naked, three quarter’s drunk neighbor felt it was their right to use my cordless drill ‘for just a second’.  You wouldn’t try that trick in elementary school because it was acceptable to have your fingers glued together and incidentally, I still own several half used glue sticks that were borrowed and promptly returned from back in a time I call the 80’s.  But this is the grown up world where the stakes are bigger and the would be borrowed items bigger and therefore maybe we could use Krazyglue instead.

The leather was conditioned and the chrome was shined one last time as I headed out for a late summer solo road trip.  I love the ‘alone’ rides; you start and stop when you want, your thoughts meander to and fro and it’s also an opportunity to post some more pics.

This one is of a supper being prepared to hit the open flame of a campfire after a day’s ride in the cold rains of the Valhalla Mountain Range.  I found a local butcher who sold me these chicken skewers and while I prefer Beans to Ravioli, I had to opt for the easy open lid.  Other items you see include some ‘refreshment’ and a water resistant mini speaker system for my iPod, a must have when camping and tunes are needed.

Here’s a picture of my hotel for the weekend.  Sure, it might not have central air and sure, maybe some of the windows are missing the panes and I’ll even admit in this picture it looks less than a 5-star chateau but it got me off the ground and I didn’t have to set up a tent, which I didn’t bring anyway.

And there’s a cool story behind this pic.  Off the beaten path and off the pavement, this is an old marble quarry north of Meadow Creek, BC.  All of the fancy rock taken out of here was used to build the legislative buildings in Victoria.  It’s a shame it’s suffered years and years of grafitti.  And while this picture doesn’t do it justice, compare the bikes in relation to the size of this hollowed hunk of mountain.

Headed out on the Road King for a final summer road trip and ended up finding this while enroute back to the Gas City.

Professors, scientists and computer geeks everywhere have been attempting to theororize that humans are the most intelligent beings on our planet although I seriously have my doubts after witnessing closing time at the local watering hole a little ways back.  If you were to dress up a handful of monkeys in tuxedos and put them in a room together with the bar brainiacs of our world, you’d be hard pressed to determine which group would start throwing around their fecal matter first.  It goes a lot deeper than beer goggles and bananas when you bring in other factors like rational thinking and plain ole’ common sense however.

I was on the receiving end of a less than G-rated phone call from a very distressed wife whose mood was sourer than a lemonade stand demanding I cease pressuring her man to buy a bike, of the non-pedal kind.  As I politely tuned out the verbal beating my ears were taking I was prepared to rebuttal with memories of their bungee jumping excursion but common sense knocked on the back door of my cranium and saved me from inserting my head even further into the lion’s mouth.  Here was this gal who has no qualms of attaching her feet and ensuing body to an oversized rubber band before launching herself into the abyss and yet refuses to let her husband partake in some powered bicycle action.  For the record, the guy’s wife phoned me in secrecy while the husband was using a chainsaw to create some window space for their cabin which also seems about as safe as sword swallowing.  Oh the irony.

On the gazebo last week The German and I were attempting to solve the world’s problems while under the influence of a flat of Lucky and after hours of garbled conversation I managed to scribble down some of our highlights in an effort to possibly promote more rational thinking and ultimately make us feel better about ourselves.  1. Areas of grey are okay.  To believe success can be categorized into black and white is to set yourself up for future failure.  2.  It’s fine not to get along with everyone in the world. With close to seven billion people on planet Earth, you’re not going to agree on everything but that’s what makes this rotating mass of rock so interesting.  3. Finally, it’s uncommonly rare when things go exactly the way you want and when we accept that we can’t control everything in our life, living seems to be more enjoyable.  (Please note that after an evening of carousing, I was only able to decipher three of what could or could not be several more of life’s unspoken rules)  

It was a morning of discussing what we’d like to see brought back to our culture.  In no particular order, here’s some of our favorites. (and thanks to all our Rock 105.3 listeners for their contributions

1. Sex lights (which is usually accompanied by velvet truck curtains and dingo-balls)

2. opinionated politicians - that way we know where they stand on the issues

3.  remote controls with the attached wires

4.  rotary telephones

5. cheap gasoline (and full service service stations)

6. nickel and dime candy stores

7.  drive ins; of the movie and eating kind

8. mirrored sunglasses (but no Blublockers)

9.  banana seat bikes with hockey cards in the spokes and a pair of matching tassels

10.

With the latest edition of our CFL Showdown underway, I think the odds have been stacked against me right from the get go.

In case you haven’t heard, it’s a week of Rider fans VS Anti-Rider fans and you can show your support by dropping off school supplies in the appropriate bin at Southland VW here in town.  The bin with the most stuff wins and the loser (Cassie vs me) has to buy the winner breakfast all week long while not being able to participate in breakfast themselves.

Note how the Rider bin is decorated while the Anti Rider bin is not. 

Add to that, this is a picture of one of the staff’s nails over there and this is why me thinks I’ve been duped.

CALLING ALL ANTI-RIDER FANS; I NEED/MUST/WANT/HAVE TO WIN THIS WEEK. (in all fairness, it will be my best chance.  Have you seen how my Bombers are playing lately?)

I’ve yet to win a CFL Showdown with Cassie and here’s some pics of me following through on last week’s bet which included the cooking of some beer can chicken and while the rice didn’t turn out, it was still an enjoyable evening on the gazebo.

Of course, no BBQ can begin until the removal of the Blue Bomber BBQ cover ritual has ended.

A before and after picture of the chicken, complete with beer can. (note how the chicken almost looks pleased)

And where the starting and finishing of the eating took place.

This week on the CFL Showdown, the outcome will be decided by you.  Please give what you can for Tools for School and dropping off a school donation at Southland VW on Strachan.  We have two bins set up; a Rider bin and Anti Rider bin.  After one week and after tallying the votes, the loser has to buy the winner breakfast for a week and no, the loser cannot eat during this time either, just to add insult to injury.

With the new city by-law in effect referencing pets, Cassie and a few of our listeners hit on a really good point; if common sense still existed in this world, would this pet by-law even be an issue?

Responsibility seems to be a dying trait among society and it makes me question if common sense has gone on permanent vacation with no inclinations of returning. 

If we’re no longer taking the time to clean up after Mittens the kitten lets a land mine fly on our walking trails, where do our law makers get to draw the line?  I enjoy going for a stroll without wondering what present my flip flops will pick up around the corner. 

It’s become a sad state of affairs when our city has to intervene because of a few irresponsible pet owners. 

Don’t be fooled by this morning’s blog;  all these words were written this past Tuesday and only now am I posting them.  Also, if it looks a lot like today’s column from the Medicine Hat News, you’d be right on the money.

It might be time to invest in one of those robot vacuums after perusing some of the Lawdy Mama’s favorite magazine selections.  Why I was reading Cosmo won’t be delved into at this juncture but nonetheless I stumbled upon some excitingly mundane news that I wish to share with my fellow male brethren.  You can forget about wearing the mechanic’s coveralls and substitute the firefighter hat for some bright yellow latex gloves after learning that women are much more attracted to their man if they’ve cleaned the house.  Years ago my Father offered up some advice when he mentioned that ‘the day you stop learning is the day you might as while stop getting out of bed’ but I never thought I’d learn that the possible missing link between men and women could be found in the extra thick summer issue of Chatelaine. 

For years the Lawdy Mama has been encouraging me to spend more time in front of the sink and less time in front of my mitre saw with promises of TLC (I hope she’s not talking about The Learning Channel) and for those very same years I was suspicious of ulterior motives, hence my lackadaisical efforts into the swishing and swashing of saucers.  Not wanting to stumble into the bear’s den without nary a butter knife to defend myself, I explored this newfound information by reiterating this nifty knowledge to my friends, peers and colleagues and the results are worth mentioning, even if it means sacrificing the manly, calloused and leathery hands for the dish washed kind.

It’s a good rule of thumb to be wary of believing everything that you read and see however this could be the exception because after putting the microscope on full power, the equation of MEN + HOUSEWORK = AFFECTION seems to be correct on every plane I’ve delved into thus far.  Our Rock 105.3 listeners, two of my aunts, my mother, one of my new neighbors and a handful of strangers at last week’s car show all agree of what my wife has been trying to put through my concrete head for thousands of days now; good things happen with the outcome of a clean castle.  However, I wouldn’t be doing due diligence if I didn’t read the fine print and therefore have to relay this very important piece of hot and heavy housecleaning; nowhere in my 34 minutes of research on this subject did I find anything correlation between you, the guy you are, and the actual act of cleaning house.  Keeping in mind that the physical act of cleaning is moot, a tidy townhouse is the bottom line so that means if you have to bribe the kids, hire a student or even dust the doilies yourself, do what you need to and your chances of a culmination to the population will significantly increase.  Now if you’ll excuse me, there’s a velvet painting of a matador in dire need of dusting.

Big thanks to Ozzy for sending me these pics of last night’s Scorpions’s show and their final tour.  You’ll notice that while one of the pictures look a lot like Klaus and the boys, the other photo is of their opening act, Dominica.

 Regardless, it’s always good to relive some memories I can no longer recall, (we’ll blame a decade of self medication of that one)  courtesy of our listeners.