Although when I say “meet”, I don’t mean, well, literally in the immediate future. They’re so damn far away and not really THAT good a friends.

Something odd happened at the hospital amidst the wondrous and magical occasion. Not three hours after the birth (really), the sportswriter in him came out and fired an article to all his friends.

If you attempt to read in one sitting, you’ll need to free up some time.

And as you read, keep this ‘Guy Rule’ in mind: Sex, name, weight, that’s it!

CALGARY – Five minutes from McMahon Stadium, 10 minutes from Valley Ridge Golf Course and 15 from the Saddledome, one of the most talked about athletes of our time arrived Wednesday.
Okay, so maybe it was just his father rambling on about him.
Nonetheless, following a lengthy process at Foothills Hospital Cole Davis Francis made his first appearance early Wednesday morning to the delight of his parents, Sarah and Eric.
“Nice weather we’re having,” he quipped at a hastily called press conference while unexpected snow interrupted an otherwise brilliant spring in his hometown.
Touted early on as a left-handed longball hitter by his father, the six-pound, 5-ounce winger declined to get into the specifics of an athletics career that could go any number of directions.
“While my time here has been short I’m already thrilled with the sort of opportunities that lie ahead,” said Cole, unable to resist the temptation of cliches so many world class athletes fall back on.
“While dad has already spoken to me about apparent vacancies in the Flames forward ranks as well as the plethora of local golf courses that will suit my long game, I must admit to having an early itch to eventually climb on board one of the Stampede’s finest buckin’ broncs for a little ride.”
Unsure how comfortable she is with her little buckaroo riding atop 1,500 pounds of unharnessed hate, Mom declined to comment. Despite a long, sleepless night she managed to smile when asked by reporters if indeed she was as big a trooper as her husband insisted.
Dad, overcome with the type of teary-eyed allergies that have plagued him at virtually every family function he’s ever attended, would only read from a written statement for fear of breaking down.
“I’ve long told anybody who’d listen that I was the luckiest person I knew, yet somehow today my good fortune reached new heights,” said Eric, reaching instantly for Kleenex.
“I’m just so proud…of my wife, my son, my family. Sure, there will be days he’ll struggle with his short game, kicking with his left foot, connecting on a one-timer in the slot or he may even gets the odd math, geography, history or sports trivia question wrong. But I plan on being there for him just as my wonderful parents have always been for me and Sarah’s have been for her. That said, I’ll be damned if I’m giving him any strokes until he can produce a certified AGA handicap card.”
Cole said he plans to lean heavily on his extended family stateside to help him choose the Ivy League school that best suits his future plans, but first wanted to make it clear his immediate plans revolved around making up for the fact his dad missed Game 7 of the Detroit/Phoenix series during labour. The two will watch Game 7 of the Washington/Montreal series at the Foothills tonight where mom and son will stay for routine observation before their expected release Thursday. Incidentally, Cole is calling for a 5-2 Capitals win.
Having so graciously flown in from Victoria to help welcome Cole, Ann and Gerry Kelly anxiously await Cole’s homecoming.
“My mom and dad and have been raving about my sister Kelly all morning long and I can’t wait to see if indeed it’s possible a beautiful young lady as they describe can possibly own nothing but pink and purple in her wardrobe,” he laughed.
“If I can make my parents half as proud as Kelly makes them, I’ll be doing alright in life. She must be something special.”
With that, dad fled the room bawling, Mom gave him a big hug and Cole thanked the media for their time and interest before adding a parting gift.
“See you all on my draft night.”

Well done Jimmy Kimmel.

We’ll stop calling you fat and dumb. Sorry about that.

Thanks to the Lady in the Cake (aka Shannon) from Calgary Singing Telegrams for putting on the show. We are told they don’t just do Singing Telegrams.. they also can do GAG-O-GRAMS!

403-454-SING
403-454-7464
singing.telegrams@hotmail.com

Politically correct? Not so much.  Super fun?  Hell yeah.