http://www.jackfm.ca

It’s not often I read ‘forwarded emails’. Let alone post them or send them on to other victims. Let’s be honest, the jokes are never funny and we really aren’t making the world a better place if we send on ‘pic of kittens and attached poem about the importance of friends’ to ten people.

However, we recieved something this morning, and although long, it’s a funny read. And dead on relatable to those who play in rec or beer leagues.

Beer League Hockey GM’s

In fact, there are hundreds, possibly thousands, of managers across Canada who will spend the long weekend making personnel decisions in time for the September dawn of a new season. Granted, the majority of these managers are in charge of teams with names like “Old Puckers”, “Rusty Blades”, “Just the Tips” and “Nine-Inch Males,” but don’t be fooled; beer-league hockey squads can be downright tricky to put together. As with any successful organization, you need the right mix, and that means drafting from the following beer-league player categories:

Every team needs the right mix….

The Ringer

Some teams wait until the playoffs to unveil this option. Others go with it right from the opening face-off. Either way, without a ringer, your team is done. The challenge for managers is convincing a good player to suit up for a bad side. This can be accomplished a number of ways, including promises of goal-scoring glory and awe-inspired teammates. Most effective, however, is let him play for free. It’s simple math, really. Everyone else pays an extra $50 and everyone else gets a shot at the “DD” Division title.

The Young Guy

At first glance, he can easily be mistaken for a ringer, since the young guy still wears the shorts and socks of his junior or college team. But it’s time for the next phase of life now, and that means an office job. The young guy stays in shape for the first half of the year. Sadly, an increasingly sedentary existence and late night partying catches up to him by Christmas. 15 to 20 pounds later, he’s just another player, huffing and puffing with the rest. Welcome aboard, kid.

The Old Guy

Forget the 50-and-over league; that’s not for him…even though his

gloves reach up to his armpits, and he still uses a wood stick. To be fair, the old guy can be an effective player, especially if he’s a wily old guy — a hook here and a chop there, because that’s how they did it when professional athletes were real men. “Eddie Shore — now there was a hockey player! Lost an ear against the Maroons. Sewed it back on him self. Never missed a shift.”

The Tardy Goalie

Hey, thanks for showing up. Only five minutes gone in the first. Not

Like you play a crucial position or anything. Take your time, dickhead.

The Beginner

Required only for cheap laughs. On the one hand, you have to admire the beginner. It takes a lot of courage to buy all brand new equipment and take up hockey in your 40′s. On the other hand, learn to take a pass, man. It’s right on your stick, for f… sake! How does that knock you over? And now you’re friggin offside! Not to mention the Beginner shows up at every game, no matter what time or what day. Sunday night playoff game at 11PM – no worries, Mr Beginner will be there.

The Complete Psycho

Also good for a few giggles . . . from afar. Most likely a cop or fireman. The complete psycho is capable of anything: running the goalie, challenging an entire bench, a tomahawk chop — all in the repertoire. Do not feed the complete psycho. He doesn’t want to be fed. He wants to hunt. and, look to him to carry on his act in the bar after the game.

The Naked Guy

Bane of the dressing room. Most players have the courtesy to stretch their hamstrings while sporting, at the very least, a bit of underwear. Not the naked guy. He’ll carry on full conversations, and you had better maintain eye contact like your life depended on it….or come face to face with the swinging sausage.

The Guy with the New Girlfriend

An excellent way to lower everyone else’s fees is to load up on a few of these. The guy with the new girlfriend will show up to three games, tops, so his payment will contribute to everyone else’s and it’s not like you’ll lose ice time by putting him on the roster. That said, beware that the guy with the new girlfriend might very well turn into the guy with the new wife…at which point he’ll never miss another game.

The Organizer

This guy is absolutely brutal but since nobody else could be bothered to do all the paperwork and collect the money he gets to play. Is frustrating to play with because they can barely skate let alone take a pass but nobody gets mad at him cuz he’s a really nice guy. Is often heard in the dressing room saying ‘Sorry guys, that one was my fault’ and if he’s lucky somebody will chip in something like ‘No worries Donny, it’s a team effort.’ What everybody is really thinking is ‘Hey Donny, my grandmother is a better player than you and yes you are right, that was your fault.’ If you are lucky the Organizer is usually smart enough to take himself off the ice in critical situations.

The Minor Hockey All-star

Looks promising at a glance as they fool you with reasonably good skills but after you get zero passes you’ll get the picture. This guy topped out at ‘AA’ Midget and can be spotted by the huge blinders attached to his helmet. Play is characterized by energetic rushes down the wing, (no passing), then into the corner (still no pass), behind the net (hey dickhead I’ve been open for the past 5 minutes), then into the next corner (everybody has gone back to the bench to watch) followed by a blind give away pass to the high slot / break out pass for the other team. Cut this guy.

The Johnny Try Hard

Great to have on your team but they suck to play against because they have somehow managed to keep themselves in ridiculously good shape. They were probably the star on their high school hockey team and won athlete of the year because they played hockey, volleyball and track all in the same year. Guaranteed they have a membership at the ‘Running Room’. Play is characterized by constant hustle which if caught off guard can embarrass the more talented yet fatter player.

The Stanley Cup Champion

This player will raise their hands and cheer when they score. If this is an opposing player you must nip this behavior in the bud by catching him off guard with a sickening open ice hit that causes him to blow snot bubbles. If this player is on your team quickly chastise him in front of the other team to let them know that this is not how the rest of your team rolls. Remind him how much of a loser he is by retrieving the puck from the net the next time he scores and presenting it to him in front of the other team.

The Tough Guy

This guy maxed out at the house-league level, has never been in a fight and is characterized by antagonizing behavior on the ice. In extreme cases he will ‘cheap shot’ another player. The fact that your beer league does not allow fighting has given this guy a false sense of courage. What this guy does not realize is that this will not prevent someone from knocking his teeth out if he cheap shots the wrong guy. There is a number of fun ways to handle this player which all end with him lying on the ice bleeding, looking for his teeth and crying.

The Wrong Guy

Not to be confused with ‘The Complete Psycho’. This guy shows up, doesn’t say much and pretty much flies under the radar screen. The kid that gave him the cheap shot him will eventually look his name up on Hockey DB after his facial surgery and realize he had 355 pims in the East Cost 3 years ago.

The Gary Roberts

Can be described as being way too intense. This guy is one of your better players but is unable to adjust to the lower level of play. At the best of times he will try to coach players on the fly and at the worst of times he will snap and call his entire team a bunch of house-leaguers. He believes the game should be played a certain way and despises ‘pond hockey’ style play with no back checking or positional assignments. Most likely is suffering from a complex of ‘unfinished business’ from his previous hockey career and is looking to capture some shred of glory via the rec-league championship. This guy is probably better off playing with his own kind in a senior-A league.

Tomorrow is the day we’ve been waiting for. Everbody except tele-marketers I suppose. Lots of people were asking this morning how to register for the ‘don’t call’ program.

Here’s all you need.

1. How to register?

As of September 30, 2008, you can register your home phone, cellular or fax number(s) on the National DNCL.
Signing up is simple, quick and free. You can sign up online at www.LNNTE-DNCL.gc.ca or by calling the toll-free numbers 1-866-580-DNCL (1-866-580-3625) or 1-888-DNCL-TTY (1-888-362-5889).
Once you have signed up, many telemarketers can no longer call you starting 31 days after your registration.
You must renew your registration every three years if you want your number(s) to stay on the National DNCL. 2. Who can still call you?

Registering on the National DNCL will reduce but not eliminate all telemarketing calls and faxes.
There are certain kinds of telemarketing calls and faxes that are exempt from the National DNCL, including those made by or on behalf of: registered charities seeking donations
newspapers looking for subscriptions
political parties and their candidates, and
companies with whom you have an existing commercial relationship; for example, if you have done business with a company in the previous 18 months––such as a carpet-cleaning company––that company can call you.
Telemarketers making exempt calls must maintain their own do not call lists. If you do not want to be called by these telemarketers, you can ask to be put on their do not call lists. They are obliged to do so within 31 days.

If you’re a big fan ’24′ like myself, and in your 30-40′s you’ll love this vid. Thank you Tracey Korsgaard for passing it on.

It’s the original pilot from 1994 that never aired.

Local cops say this is a new one for them! Calgary guy has been busted for bigamy. It’s believed his current wife is shocked by the revelation. Our question this morning on the show….should that be a question you ask prior to saying “I do”.

“Hey, just gotta ask…love you and all that stuff…and sure let’s get married….but do you have a wife by any chance?”

Lots of calls from people wanting to add questions to the ‘Prenup check list’

- How much do you make?
- Want kids?
- Ever been to jail?
- Do ya go?
- Own a car?
- Get along with you Mom?
- Gender?
- Religion?
- Do you have kids?
- Any sexual diseases you’d like to share? And when I say share…I don’t mean SHARE
- Any interesting pics or vids of you on the net?
- Any chance there’s people in your family that currently have the same last name as people in mine?
- What is your current debt load?
- Is there any law enforcement organization in the world that would like to have a chat with you in a small dark room

Please add to the list. We’re helping people and potential marital disasters!

Matt

Your turn

While the task of naming Chad McCormick’s soon to be opened pub in Cranston originally seemed easy (The Welcome Matt or Matt and Eric’s were no brainers) listeners chipped in with plenty of solid alternatives for him to mull over.
While I love the Bloody Deerfoot (“Sorry I’m late honey, you know, the bloody deerfoot…”), Eric is partial to The Nook in Cranny or Three Sisters.
Others for him to think about as suggested by you:

The Windmill
The Bag and Pipes
The Spread Eagle
The Highlands
The Briar & Thistle
Ewan’s
The Kilt & Sporin
Nevis
Up Your Kilt
The Club & Taser
The Cougar’s Den
Jack in the Box
The Loch
The Pound
The Truck’s Nuts
The Wee Nip
The Tipple
Tilting at Windmillls

It should be noted that if you submit a name and it’s the one they go with……a bar tab for you and friends on the opening evening!

Matt

Your turn

By accounts, including Kelly Abbotts, Neil Diamond was a lot of fun last night at the dome. She and others suggested a wee bit cheesy, but in a good cheesy way.

Amanda (Promotion Director) was there with the ‘Jack Street Punks’ and passed along some photos.

Exhibit (A)- Prior to the show we suggested with the age of most of people going to the show, there may have to be a buffet before hand. Check

This was a 5:00 and the line up to the buffet at the ‘Avison Young Club’

Exhibit (B) I don’t recall seeing these people at the Kid Rock show a month ago

Exhibit (C) Sir, you may not have been to the dome for a few years. But you can’t park there!

matt

your turn

The Alberta government has pieced together a $500,000 Social Customs Guide for foreign workers moving to Calgary.
Pertinent highlights include:

- When talking to somone you should stand between 60 and 100 cm away – no close talking please.
- When introduced to someone you should extend your right hand (for a handshake) and say, “Hello, how are you?”
- it is generally acceptable for young children and parents or a man and woman to hold hands or walk arm in arm.
- it is unacceptable to be loud, aggressive, or violent. Apparently, hitting or threatening another perosn is against the law.
- It is considered impolite to ask someone the following:
“How much do you make?”
“How much was your car or your house?”
“Why aren’t you married?”
“How old are you?’
“How much do you weigh?”
“Why don’t you have any children?”

Eric called me after the show to reiterate it’s also key to practice politeness when answering the phones but I didn’t hear exactly why as I hung up on him. After all, I was in the midst of sending a text while driving in the fast lane when he called.
How rude of him to interrupt.

Your Turn

matt

OK…I ADMIT IT…I CRIED!

Not a shock really as I do every year at what is one of my favorite events. It really is an honour to emcee the ‘Scott Smed Foundation’ golf tournament. Last night was the 8th annual and it grows every year. Not enough praise can heaped open Shannon and Peter.

In 2001 they gave birth to a beautiful baby boy, Scott. Scott didn’t make it. But his legacy has and he as done more to make the world better for parents like his than the rest of us do while still on this earth. In his name Shannon and Peter turned tragedy into a true miracle. Their work ensures that parents who go through the same pain, loss and shock get the assistance and support that, at the time, they didn’t have.

In their words:

With the loss of our son Scott in 2001, we were driven to ensure parents in our situation would be provided continuous support, comforting surroundings and a more positive experience in coping with their loss. In the past seven years, the tournament has raised $317,000, completed two Scott Smed family rooms, are building a patient and family room at the Peter Lougheed Hospital and a Centre of Excellence at the South Health Campus which will consist of four patient rooms, a family room, infant care room, fully equipped resource centre, on site counseling services and a team of professionally trained doctors and nurses knowledgeable in infant loss and bereavement.

Last night during the event, a remarkable lady, Layna Schmitt told her story. Her story of losing Madelayne Rebecca in 2007 brought more than a few tears to the room. Yet, her story of what ‘Scott Smed Foundation’ brought hope and applause. She was so compelling that I asked her to join the show this morning.

Thanks Layna, you were great!

Give it a listen and you’ll give your kids an extra hug today

It isn’t often Eric and I have ‘real’ argument. I say real because sometimes (don’t tell anyone) we may just may fight for fun. This morning however, was a legit disagreement regarding the anniversary of 9/11 and how it should/shouldn’t be acknowledged.

His point is that the replaying of audio and other mediums showing visuals is gratuitous and that nobody wants to be reminded anymore. I’ll concede that some people or shows focus too much on this date to a point where it comes off as capitalizing on the sensationalism.

However, I think that taking a few moments to remember what happened is important as no other event in our lives has had such a collective impact on our psyche and sense of safety. Example, running a clip of a firefighter calling for help or a soon to parish man calmly telling his wife he loves her and the kids seconds before his plane goes down. If doing that on the show forces us take a deep breath and thank God for what we have and send a prayer to lives loss in any tragedy…..good.

And something I rarely hear people bring up with this debate surfaces is the fact we have young Calgarians fighting in Afghanistan. Some of these brave souls come home to their proud yet profoundly sad families in body bags. They are there directly in response to the attacks on September 11th, 2001. So, before you roll eyes when you hear or see a tribute of sorts to that day (gratuitous as it may appear) it hits closer to home, still to this day, than you first may think.

Should you have a couple of minutes I’ve included here an mp3. It’s the singing of ‘God Bless America’. Yes, I know it’s not OUR anthem. But this one is an anthem of hope, strength and the spiritual power of youth. It is song by a choir made up kids who lost their parents 7 years ago.

this is it here

Matt

Your turn

Pray for me. Entering day 3 of the book calls ‘Intensive Toilet Training in 3 easy days!’. Don’t ask me what book, but as parents don’t we do everything by the book, or some book, or any book?

Saturday morning it started, armed with treats, rewards, 20 pair of ‘Cars’ underwear and carpet cleaner. Hesitant at first, Liam no idiot, soon discovered the system of ‘sitting there gets me a cookie’, ‘Peeing in that gets me gummies’. I discovered that not going outside for 48 hours results in a headache. Whereas Paige discovered she had a bunch of friends she hasn’t visited with Beck yet and what a great weekend to do that!

Obviously to think a kid can be completely trained in 3 days is ridiculous, despite what that sister in law you never liked keeps claiming. I will say that he’s getting the hang of it and is recognizing it’s better feeling dry than wet. Which is something our carpets would like to scream right now….if they could talk.

Also, want to say hi and thanks to Kris Dekuyper who sent us some of product she has that is of great help. Check them out at www.peepalstickers.com

Really have to go. As I said, day 3 is underway and I still have to pick up pretzels, juice, cookies, Thomas the Train stuff, happy face stickers, Tylenol and a rain slicker.

Thanks Trish for this email!

Hi as a Mom of two Son’s I can tell you boys take longer to train.
I wanted my boys to learn sitting down, but it was taking forever.
My Sister in law who has two boys and twin girls suggested putting Cheerios in the toilet and having my boys try to hit them.
Sounds crazy but it really worked.
They were both over three years old.
Have an awesome day.
Trish