I was in IKEA on the weekend and I think it’s quite possible I was the only human being in there not on the verge of giving birth. Either that store needs to hire a full-time obstetrician or I’m gonna have to Scotchguard my shoes. I was walking through textiles and I saw a sign that said “Wet Floor” and I was afraid to think of what liquid I was about to step in.

I suppose IKEA wouldn’t be a terrible place to give birth though. “It’s a boy!” the doctor would shout, reaching for a disposable measuring tape. “… and a healthy 21 inches long!”

Come to think of it, judging by some of the wildly colorful patterns on their furniture, I’m not entirely sure someone hasn’t given birth in there already.