Interview: Ten Second Epic singer, Andrew Usenik

URINE my Personal Space

 

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Is there nothing the iPhone can’t do? The latest feature: a vibrating massager. Download this ap and the phone’s vibrating feature is activated to simulate two different massages. One emulates those stubby four-legged back and neck massagers you’d see at the drug store. The other is a longer, narrower vibrating massager with a ball at the end [cough].

When you show at work with a dead battery and a smile. Don’t think for a second that I don’t know why!

http://www.sync-blog.com/sync/2009/01/virtual-vibrator-comes-to-iphone-seriously.html

The new CD from former SONiC Band of the Month, Ten Second Epic hit stores yesterday. This afternoon we spoke to with singer Andrew about the band’s latest release and their upcoming show at the Starlite Room. Catch the whole interview below!

I was driving into work this morning, launching my verbal assault on other drivers from the comfort of my vehicle, as I do everyday, I’m sitting at a light on Gateway Boulevard, when I noticed something interesting. I’m stuck behind this Hummer who, at the last minute, decides to change lanes. We’re stopped. He was courteous. He signaled. He waited for someone to let him in. But for some reason, all I could think was “What a douche bag!” I realized at that very moment, it wasn’t anything specific that he did. It was what he was driving.

As unfair as it is, something deep inside me has decided, the only possible reason anyone would choose to drive such a large vehicle has to be to house their massive ego. It isn’t just size though. Smart Cars piss me off too. “If you were SO smart, you would’ve changed lanes 3 blocks ago, idiot”, I think to myself.  What is it? The shape of car? The color? Sure I suppose I should assume other drivers are good people at heart, at least until proven otherwise. But for some reason, it’s just easier to cast judgment based on something less personal – like their car’s taillight configuration.

Am I alone in this? Or do you associate certain kinds of car with the character traits of the driver? What kinds of vehicle piss you off? What do you associate them with?

I would sooner dance over a flaming hibachi with a firecracker dangling from my urethra than answer another call from a telemarketer, so I was positively elated when the government announced its federal Do Not Call registry.

But get this; putting your name on the Do Not Call list may actually make you MORE likely to receive unsolicited calls. The problem is, any idiot can buy these lists — you can buy the list for Edmonton for less than $50. The fines for misusing the lists range from $1,500 - $15,000. Penalties are one thing; enforcing them is another.

The way I see it, being a telemarketer is a job just like any other. I think we just need to present these people with other options. So now, I just keep the employment section of the newspaper by the phone. When someone calls to ask if I’m happy with my long distance service provider, I simply ask if they’re satisfied with $12 an hour and begin my pitch… “Do you realize you could be earning $10,000 a month from your home stuffing envelopes?”

I saw a preview on TV for a show last night called The Week The Women Went. The promo shows men fumbling and bumbling through even the simplest of household tasks. Men unable to do laundry… “Duh, where do I put my clothes… in the dishwasher?”

I don’t mean to gripe about the rough deal that white, middle-class men have been dealt through out history, because that wouldn’t representative of what’s going on either. But let me ask you this, as a woman, how would you feel if there were a show on called The Week the Men Went, showing women unable to earn a living, incapable of paying bills, can’t figure out how to start their own cars without a man around. I don’t know about you, but I would be OUTRAGED!

I don’t disagree with the premise of the show. There are people who are useless when it comes to even the most basic of household tasks, but to imply that it’s somehow gender related is not only irresponsible, it’s sexist. For one thing, some of the best chefs on the planet are men. The washing machine … invented by a man. Not that a woman couldn’t do it – in fact it was a woman who invented the first dishwasher. My point is, we spent all this time fighting for equality and now we’re gonna go backwards?

http://www.cbc.ca/thewomenwent/

I was reading an industry website earlier today – kinda like an online newspaper full of articles only radio people would care about. And probably not unlike your industry, the economic situation has resulted in lay-offs, cutbacks, dismissals, and firings. There’s no shortage of terms for being “kicked to the curb”, yet it’s never easy to let someone go, so a lot of times employers will give a creative, more flattering excuse to make the employee feel better; “your position is being eliminated”.

I read a new favorite yesterday. So-and-so has been “relieved of his duties”. It actually sounds like a good thing, doesn’t it? It implies, essentially, he’ll still have the same job, paycheck, benefits, you’ll still run into him in the coffee room even. He just won’t have any of those pesky responsibilities stealing his focus away from playing solitaire or minesweeper on his computer.

Unfortunately, this will likely worse before it gets better. As lay offs increase and we look for new and interesting ways to spin this, the excuses we come up with will get better and better. Pretty soon we’ll hear about Jim in Sales being “granted his vocational freedom”. Trish in accounting will get a plaque awarding her with “Career Independence”.

So while your job might not be the one you always dreamed of or you aren’t earning the salary you feel you deserve, remember, things could always be worse. You could come in to work tomorrow and discover your name engraved on a trophy for “Occupational Liberty”.

The match up is set for Superbowl 43: the Arizona Cardinals take on the Pittsburgh Steelers, February 1st in Tampa. Join me at Hudsons Bourbon Street in West Ed for all the action. I won’t reveal exactly what’s lined up for this year, but past year’s activities included things as the Sharpie Moustache Pageant.

I haven’t been married long, but long enough to know who’s wearing the pants in our household. Unfortunately, it’s not me. That was my inspiration for this next song.

Did you hear about that plane crash in New York? The aircraft had just left Laguardia airport when it hit a flock of geese. When those things go through the engine, it’s like a woodchipper shooting fois-gras. Anyway, the plane is ass-up in the air, heading towards the ground, the pilot makes an emergency landing in the Hudson River saving all 155 passengers aboard.

How is it that airplanes aren’t goose proof? We’re talking about an oversized cigar tube stuffed full of people, flying around in air — we’re pretty vulnerable up there. Is there really no sonic frequency we can blast them with to make birds get the hell outta the way? Some lasers perhaps? We spend hundreds of MILLIONs of dollars building airplanes, yet still we’re at the mercy of animals. 

I’m still surprised there isn’t a feature in cars to prevent us from hitting wildlife; an infrared camera letting you know there’s deer up ahead, or a drifter stumbling along the shoulder of the road. That should be an option in even the most basic of automobiles. You buy the Toyota Yaris – you get the infrared screen. You buy the Camry – you get a roof-mounted rocket launcher with heat seeking missiles. You get the Lexus, not only does it take out the deer, it turns it into deer sausage… you just pick it up at the next rest stop.

It seems simple enough. Although, you’d hate to be chewing on a mouthful of sausage only to realize it tastes less like venison and more like street person.