From Club Q Rockstar Jane (modified slightly by Holly):

Barack Obama was sitting in the Oval Office when the phone rang.  “Hallo, Mr. Obama, this is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in Dublin, and I’m calling to to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!”

“Well, Paddy,” says Obama.  “This indeed is important news.  How big is your army?”

“Right now, there’s myself, my cousin Sean, my neighbor Seamus and the entire dart team from the pub.  That makes eight!”

Obama paused.  “I must tell you Paddy…I have one million men, 10,000 bombers, 20,000 fighter jets and laser guided missiles waiting to move on my command.”

“Jesus, Mary and Joseph!” Paddy exclaimed.  “I’ll have to ring you back!”

Sure enough, Paddy called the next day.  “Top of the morning, Mr. Obama.  I’m sorry to tell you that we have to call off the war.”

“Oh, that’s too bad,” replied Obama.  “Why the change of heart?”

“Well,” Paddy responded.  “We’ve had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and we realized there’s no way we can feed a million prisoners!”

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This one comes to us from Club Q Rockstar Pam…

A man is working in a saw mill and accidentally cuts all his fingers off.  He’s rushed to the hospital where the doctor explains he’ll get him into surgery to reattach the fingers.

“But I don’t have them,” says the man.

“What?” exclaims the doctor.  “We have the technology to reattach them!  Why didn’t you bring them?”

The man replies, “because I couldn’t pick them up!”

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Think you have a funny joke god enough for the Last Laff?  Send it to us!  holly.thorne@rci.rogers.com!

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From Club Q Rockstar Judy…

A man feared his wife wasn’t hearing as well as she used to, and he thought she might need a hearing aid.  Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.   His doctor told him there’s a simple informal test the husband could perform to get a better idea about her hearing loss.

“Here’s what you do.  Stand about 40 feet from her, and in a normal voice see if she hears you.  If not, go 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.”

That evening, while his wife is in the kitchen, he decides to give it a shot.  From 40 feet away, he asks in a normal voice, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”  No response.

He moves closer to the kitchen and repeats, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”  Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room.  “Honey, what’s for dinner?”  Again, he gets no response.

So he walks to the kitchen door.  “Honey, what’s for dinner?”  Nothing.

He finally walks right up behind her.  “Honey, what’s for dinner?”

“RALPH, FOR THE FIFTH TIME, CHICKEN!”

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Today in 1972, Neil Young’s AMAZING 1972 album HARVEST went to number one all around the world.  To me, that album is not only the finest CANADIAN album, but is truly one of the most defining rock albums of all time!  A great number of the tracks were recorded after Young’s 1971 appearance on The Johnny Cash Show, where he performed this track:

A fun factoid about the Harvest album…Neil Young wanted the album sleeve to biodegrade as soon as the shrink wrap was peeled off the album.  Studio bosses overruled him.

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BONUS CODE:  HARVEST

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Hey…if you’re looking for something to do with the family tonight, there’s a great event happening at Cambrian College that I’m a part of.  The Rolling Thunder basketball team is holding the Third Annual Hoops and Wheels basketball game against the Cambrian Golden Shield.  I was asked to be part of the half-time show…no details I can give, but it involves me, a wheelchair, and not trying to make a fool of myself!  It’ll only cost you $5 to get through the door (or $3 if you’re under the age of 10), all in support of a great cause!  Doors open at 6:30, with the game to start at 7…hope to see you there!

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Edmontonians for being able to “hold it”!

What you’re looking at is the WATER CONSUMPTION in Edmonton during the Olympic Gold Medal game.  The spikes are the times of the intermissions!  BAH HA HA!  How Canadian! We get the gold…en showers, that is!

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BONUS CODE:  RELIEF

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The Olympics are here!  Friday night, Vancouver is the focus of the world, and Canada is going to kick serious TOOKUS at the 2010 Winter Olympics!  I am a TRUE Olympic junkie, and I have already planned my viewing each day to maximize my Olympic experience.  Yes, I an a nerd, but I’m a patriotic nerd who loves my country and the athletes that we have!

I’ve compiled the broadcast schedule for the major events in which Canada could win a medal (finals only), along with the hockey games and curling matches…check it out!

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Bonus Code:  OLYMPICS

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Terry and Mell, both with equal qualifications, apply for the same job.  In order to determine which individual to hire, the manager gives them a written test.  Both score a 9 out of 10, however the manager give the job to Mell.  “Why would you do that?”  Terry asks.  “We both got nine questions correct!”  The manager looked at Terry and said, “Mell wrote ‘I don’t know’ for question five.  You put down ‘neither do I’!”

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Be sure to vote on what YOU think of today’s joke in the Polls Section of your Club Q Rockstar account!

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Terry, Chris, and Greg were walking down the street and saw a bottle lying on the ground.  They picked it up and a GENIE popped out!  The genie said, “You will each get one wish.”  Well, Greg asked to be 20 times smarter, and POOF!  He was 20 times smarter.  Chris asked to be 30 times smarter, and POOF!  He was 30 times smarter!  Terry saw this and asked to be 60 times smarter, and POOF!  He was turned into a woman.

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Get some rock star points!  Vote on this joke in the Polls section of your Club Q Rockstar account now!

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A fellow bought a new sportscar and was out on Highway 17 for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 120 he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. ”They’ll never catch me,” he thought to himself and opened her up further.

The needle hit 130, 140, and finally 150 with the lights still behind him. ”What in hell am I doing?” he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. ”I’ve had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don’t feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before you can go!” he said.

”Last week my wife ran off with a cop,” the man said, ”and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!”

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Q:  What do Leafs fans do when they win the Stanley Cup?

A:  Put down the Playstation and then go to bed!

Whaddya think?  Go cast your vote on today’s joke in the POLLS section of your Club Q Rockstar account!

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