Three cheers for Lisa who dropped off my new stuffed squirrel this morning. This little guy is going on the fireplace mantle in my office, right next to the 10-inch pine cone.  Yes, the Lodge is coming together quite nicely.

Garner

Thanks to everyone who called or emailed on this morning’s blockbuster round of Trade It Up.  I was offering up pairs of tickets to 3 Sonic shows: No Doubt, Rise Against and The Killers to whoever made me the most interesting offer.  It’s a good thing Lesli Olsen didn’t call in any earlier or we would have had to turn off Trade It Up at like 6:03am.  I mean, do you think I’m an idiot? Who WOULDN’T want a pair of men’s size 11 1/2 tap dancing shoes?  Who?  (Above: Lesli and I making my dance dreams come true)

Thanks again for all the interesting offers.  Let’s do that again sometime.  By the way, stand by for the 100,000-watt garage sale–TRADIO–tomorrow morning at 8:10.

Now beat it.  I’m gonna shim, sham, shimmy through the kitchen and REALLY impress the Trophy Wife.  I’ll let you know how that goes.

Garner

Tomorrow (Wednesday) is the NHL trade deadline.  In keeping with that theme, let’s do a little trading of our own tomorrow morning between 6a and 9a on the show.  Call me with a trade offer I can’t refuse, and I just might give you my No Doubt, Rise Against and Killers tickets.  Remember, it doesn’t have to be good, just interesting. 

Okay, beat it.  I’m sure you’ve got better things to be doing than wandering around aimlessly on the Information Super Highway.  I know I do.

Garner

I am now officially that annoying guy with the iPhone.  Everywhere I go I’m snapping photos and generally making people uncomfortable.  Yes, that is me.Anyway, the iPhone, hang on–the guyPhone came with me to my bi-weekly Thursday, uhm, “commentary” on Global Early Edition with Lynda Steele.  A shot of Lynda as I first walked into the Global Edmonton studio…Lynda, posing for the guyPhone…Shaye Ganam just happened to be hanging around the set.  After seeing this photo the Trophy Wife said, “Is this 2 guys on a news set, or a couple of hammered guys at a Christmas party?”  Hmm?  Either, I guess.Lynda and I decided that the ultimate “power move” is to have people wearing headsets “work” on you.  Whether it’s having your make-up and hair done, your football helmet adjusted (with you still in it) or having your mic tweaked, having people in headsets WORK on you is a power move.  But the key is to pretend that you don’t notice people are working on you–that, my friend, is a power move.Garner      

I’m not a comic book guy–at all–but this picture (on a billboard near Gateway and Whitemud) almost made me crash my car on the way to work this morning.  Fortunately, I did NOT crash, but my steering wheel airbag needs to be re-packed.

Garner 

In the wake of Facebook’s recent Terms of Usage tweak, I started thinking about an old idea of mine.  The Garner Andrews Show BLOG Table.  I’ve even taken the time to sketch the concept for hard to impress investors. Simply place the Garner Andrews Show BLOG Table at the end of your driveway or sidewalk, set your angst-ridden journal on the BLOG Table and you remain in complete control of your intellectual property–you have eliminated the intellectual property thieving middle-man: the internet.  (Comment pencil optional.) And for tweens and teens whose parents don’t love them enough to buy them internet, BLOG Table is a low-cost alternative so you too have a platform for your narcissistic rants.  Simply put, BLOG Table makes good, good sense. Garner    

Some of the popular kids told me that if I want to be in the clique I need to Twitter.  So, well, I am now Twittering at twitter.com/garnerandrews  Won’t ya be my follower?

Hopefully this lands me a seat at the popular kids table in the SONiC lunch room.

Garner 

 (Above – my Trophy Wife in action.)  Happy Valentine’s Day to you, Trophy Wife.  I wrote you a poem. 

Roses are red, violets are blue.

Care for another drink, or will 32 do? 

Garn

Something occurred to me recently: I am a urinal monogamist, I practice urinal monogamy.

Now, as I sit here at my desk, I realize that I’ve been a urinal monogamist for years, but it just finally hit me on the weekend when I caught myself visiting the exact same urinal three times in one night.  It’s not like there weren’t other urinals—there were at least 5 others in this particular washroom—but I just kept on going back to the same one, the beautiful Ms. Crane.  Her skin is blemish-free, like white porcelain.  I’m sure Ms. Crane has some hot sisters and cousins, but I didn’t want them—I only wanted her. 

Hockey games, weddings, here at work, at the bar—I am a one urinal man.  I am like a penguin, the penguin of pissing: once I mate with a urinal I mate for life, or for as long as I’m at that bar, whichever is longer.   

Garner

Tomorrow morning (Friday) on the pro’grim, let’s talk about that time you got chewed out in public.  You remember the time, right?  Your boss, your dad, your friend’s dad–everyone has been on the recieving end of a world class chewing out.  Everyone, at some point in their life, has had some blow-hard authority figure go Christian Bale on them.  Let’s share those stories, you and me, tomorrow morning between 6 and 10am on the GAS (Garner Andrews Show) on SONiC 102.9. 

Remind me to tell you about the time my grade 10 English teacher got in my face.  I’m still wiping hot, teacher spit off my face.

Garner