I just watched the Gaslight Anthem Sonic Session in the world famous Axe Music Listener Lounge. It was amazing. The charismatic Mr. Brian Fallon came in and played a stripped down set that sent several of those tingly feelings pulsating down the back of my spine.
I was at the show last night too. Which leads me to my point. Here are a few rules for all you concert-goers.

1) Just because you don’t have rhythm, doesn’t mean you can’t dance. People watching is half the fun.
2) Everyone has the right to choose (to wear ear plugs).
3) Be respectful. Everyone’s laid down their hard earned recession-era cash to enjoy the band. If someone falls in a pit - pick them up. If you wanna sing along - power to you, just don’t do it right in someone’s ear. If you celebrate with an adult libation - cool. Don’t be a jerk about it. Nobody likes a drunken disasterpiece.
4) Learn something about your opening act. Today’s ticket stub “guests” or “special guests” are often tomorrow’s headliners. Plus it gives you unearned indie cred.
5) Bathroom breaks are to be taken between sets or after the show. Suck it up (so to speak) when the action happens.
6) It is NOT COOL to hold up your cell phone whenst a ballad is played. Not smoking is your choice. It was an excellent choice mind you, but this in one scenario where you’re hooped. A panel is being formed to decide whether or not those faux-lighter Free Bird style aps for your smartphone are indeed an acceptible alternative.
7) Have fun. This rule is pretty explanitory.

Happy long weekend everyone! I’m going to sleep in until 5AM!

I was bored during today’s top secret morning show meeting. Mostly because Garner just keeps me there to taste his All Bran bars (because he’s 100% sure someone’s out to poison him). So while everyone else was watching YouTube, I decided to try my hand at Horoscope writing.

ARIES – You will be sequentially first in this Horoscope here. Lucky number – 1,737.

TAURUS – You will take the time to see the forest for the trees. And while you’re looking up, someone will steal your wallet.

GEMINI – You will watch a sad movie or tv show and have a good cry. But only because it’s dusty and have allergies and were chopping an onion.

CANCER – You will go to the grocery store to buy something and leave without actually buying what you went there for.

LEO – You will be the best you you can be. Now don’t mess it up loser.

VIRGO – You will eat an apple without having washed it first. You won’t die.

LIBRA – You will steal for the first time in your life. Fortunately, you will only steal sweet dance moves.

SCORPIO – You will use an emoticon in an email/text message. It will not be appreciated.

SAGITTARIUS – You will not go to an anarchist book fair. But you will go to an anarchist bake sale. The marshmallow squares will be delicious.

CAPRICORN – You will learn that there is nothing to fear but fear itself. Well… that and flesh-eating killer zombie bees.

AQUARIUS – You will be super-wicked awesome. Same as always.

PISCES – You will wish you are as super-wicked awesome as an Aquarius. Too bad. Plus - the batteries in your remote control will die and you’ll learn you can turn on the tv by actually walking up to it and pressing a button. Weird.

With Inkfest on this weekend, I thought we should do a little Sonic Listener Tattoo Show & Tell here on the new, improved Garner Andrews Show blog.  Let’s start the show with Sonic Boy John Fox and some of his artwork.  Check the cool job-stoppers.  I don’t know much about artwork, but this looks pretty solid:

Let’s see the good, the bad and the downright ugly–the ones you regret.  Send your photos to garner.andrews@rci.rogers.com and we just might post them here on the webnets. 

Now beat it, Inky. 

Garner 

You wanna know who to blame for last night’s Oilers loss?  These guys.  

Matt (left) and Elliott are room-mates.  They also work on the Sonic Intern Army.  They have also claimed to be the Oilers “secret weapon” and have been known to put on the gear when they watch the games at home because, and I quote, “It helps the Oilers win.”  Anyway, I ran into the “Secret Weapon” before the game last night and said, “Are you boys suitin’ up tonight?” to which they replied, “Nah!”

I don’t know about you, but if you’re lookin’ to pin some blame somewhere…

I’m just saying.

Garner   

I don’t know if you do this at your job, but one thing we gotta do at the Modern Rock Research Centre is an annual performance management evaluation. Now normally this is cool. You can use this as an opportunity to better yourself, set goals and see how much you’ve improved over the last year. Of course… not everyone has a guy who routinely tells you “I’ve crapped out things worth more than your ideas” as their boss.

Here were my goals for 2009-2010 as I sent them:
1: Take Initiative
2: Be Creative
3: Be a Team Player and Help Out Where I Can

Here’s my new REVISED goals Garner says “I wish you would aspire to”
1: Remember who’s the star of the show and who pick’s up the star’s dry cleaning. And DON’T forget to throw it back in the face of the clerk if it smells like roses and not chrysanthemums like I like it.
2: Be Creative? HA! This is what happens when parents tell their kids they can do anything….
3: Be a Team Player. When I wear a Cheerleader’s outfit to work on Wednesdays, I expect you to do the same. Bryce does it without complaining. In fact he really picks up those pom-poms with flare!
4: Always send me lists in denominations of 4. Any less is unacceptable. Also – work gooder. This is not worthy of a fifth goal as 5 point lists are unacceptable.

FML

Happy hump-day! Today Garner talks about your best (or worst) friend, the snooze bar. Isn’t it weird how they are almost always set for weird amounts of time, like 7 minutes? He also finds time to talk about city slogans, and how useless they really are.

 

 Standard Podcast [15:30m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

At 3:47 this morning – it hit me. No not the sonic assault of the incessant redundant blang blang blang of my vintage 1996 alarm clock (Though that helped awaken me from my uneasy slumber). Rather what whalloped me into the world of the awake was an idea. A profitable one.

I’m going to trademark the term “Tough Economic Times”.

Think about it. How many times have you heard this cliché over the last few months? My guess – somewhere between 7 and 3-times-10 to the 14th power.

We’re being force fed doom and gloom and to me – it tastes like mashed peas. Yuchhhhhh.

It’s bad enough that I literally have to wake up before 4 IN THE FRICKIN’ MORNING every day to help you know who, who can’t even notice when my hair goes from red to blonde but does insist I roll up the rim on his java cups because he “can’t risk damaging the thumbs that make the magic happen”. I don’t need to get bombarded with talk of Tough Economic Times too.

At least not if I’m not making a nickel every time someone says it.

But if you can’t beat me to the lawyer’s office to trademark the newest, hippest cliché – here are a few tips I have to surviving these tough economic times!

1. Be indispensable. Businesses are looking to trim their fat – likening you to pot roast grizzle. If you’re an essential cog in the machine – they’ll have no choice but to keep you around. For example, let’s say your boss who I’ll call “Flarner” is prone to hysterical crying fits weekdays at 5:55AM. It’s your duty as responsibility as key cog to keep him from calling up his wife, your boss, Lynda Steele at Global – just as examples – and making them feel as uncomfortable as a chair made out of old chainsaws. Calm Flarner down with his soother and a left cross like always and all your cohorts will thank you for it.
2. Be willing to do the things others aren’t. Sure when your alarm clock goes off at 3:47AM your natural inclination is something along the lines of F-M-L. But if you don’t do it – they’ll find someone else to do it because as Flarner says “If I want to destroy you – I will. No eat a piece of this All Bran bar. It’s TASTY!”
3. Be hot. And if you can’t be attractive, get photographs of people more attractive than you and blackmail the snot out of them.
4. Be positive. No one likes a negative Nelly. And if you, like me, aren’t naturally positive – fake it.
5. Be related to people of influence. Much like #3, not everyone can do this. And that makes me a sad panda.
6. Smell nice. People like stinky coworkers like they enjoy wearing wet socks. And you know when they’re thinking of cutting back, they’re gonna try and oust the smelly ones first.

There! 6 handy tips to keeping your crappy, soul-draining job. But hey – at least you’ll be able to afford that new plasma screen television for the washroom. Am I right?

Now if you’ll excuse me – I have a phrase to go patent before Gene Simmons beats me to it.

The Perfect Pour goes international.  John B. of Boulder, Colorado sent this photo of a PP he dialed up over the weekend in the mile high state.  John, watch your mailbox for the Garner Andrews Show Perfect Pour windbreaker.  More importantly, watch the skies, as I’ve just dispatched Canada’s beloved snowbirds who will perform a fly-by in your honor.

Garner  

I got this cup of coffee for free this afternoon.  Why? Because I read The Secret and I made it happen.   That’s right, I MADE IT HAPPEN.  The Trophy has had the book lying around the house for a year or so now.  I was between books and I thought, “What the hell, I can do 184 pages.”  The one thing they tell you to do is think about something you really, really want–visualize it–imagine you already have it and it will be yours.  Sure, I could have gone with jet pack, an anti-gravity room, 4-way knees or a 104-mph fast ball; but I went with a free coffee. 

Now, I’d like to say The Secret really did work, but I don’t feel like much of a winner at all.  Why?  Because winners don’t visualize $1.64 worth of luke warm coffee when they’re in life’s locker room getting their game face on.

Garner 

  I am coffee shop laptop guy. I peck, peck, peck away at my keyboard.  You stare up from your grande no-caf, half-fat, skinny, slippery, no-whip, responsibly grown, ethically traded dark roast and wonder, “What does coffee shop laptop guy write? Whatever it is, I’ll bet it’s socially significant…” Perhaps I tweak my screenplay or my novel. Perhaps I write that fancy poetry that doesn’t rhyme, or the lyrics to this generation’s Like A Rolling Stone. Or, perhaps I’m just another guy, behind a computer, with nothing to say, worrying that you’ll discover I have nothing to say if I stop typing for more than 10-seconds.  With that said, Peter picked a peck of pickled peppers—the quick brown fox jumped over the fence–Mary had a little lamb, she followed that with veal… Garner (Coffe Shop Laptop Guy)