Thanks to Steve Colwill for forwarding this to me – as I think he knows I am an enormous fan of all things aggressively mediocre (as my complete collection of Steven Seagal movies will attest).  See, there was once a band called the Shaggs.  I heard of them back in the 90s, when Nirvana was huge and Kurt Cobain expressed an affinity for their work – but then, he was all over a ton of obscure artists (Daniel Johnston, for example) and I never bothered to seek out their music.

     Until now.  A musical is being created based on The Shaggs, considered by many to be the worst band that ever existed.  Their album, Philosophy Of The World, recorded in 1969, is certainly one of the absolute worst offenses against music ever committed to vinyl – none of the instruments seem to be interested in playing the same rhythm, the drummer is barely competent, and the singer is dreadful.  But the lyrics – the lyrics!  They are hilarious!  What makes this so amazing is that they’re actually trying!

     This reminded me of one of my all-time favourite CDs (though it IS one I rarely play).  It’s called Murder On The High C’s, and features the “finest” work of the woman who may be the worst singer in the history of the world, Florence Foster Jenkins.  In 1909, Jenkins inherited a huge sum of money that allowed her to do whatever she wanted in life – and what she wanted, more than anything, was to be a famous soprano.  And…amazingly…she succeeded!  In the fame part anyway.  Despite a complete lack of timing, pitch and vocal ability, she went ahead with her dream.  Just like William Hung.  But in the 1920s.

     Remember William Hung?

     God bless him, he’s trying!  I love them all.  Now, who is the worst artist in here – Hung, Jenkins, the Shaggs, or…

     I went to Bluesfest last night to take in the final day with my family – my dad, my wife, my sister and her boyfriend Abdullah.  This was my dad’s first huge concert event, outdoors at Lebreton Flats, even though he has been a resident of Ottawa for thirty plus years.  Abdullah, who is Omani and lives in Kuwait, has been in Ottawa nine days.  This was his third trip to Bluesfest.  Dad needs to catch up! 

     My sister wanted to see Lupe Fiasco, a rapper who was playing the Claridge stage at 6:00.  He was pretty good, engaged with the crowd and even though I’m not a fan of his music I found him very entertaining.  He played around (as Peter Frampton did) with the popcorn-on-a-stick, and kept wondering why no one ever told him Ottawa was the Hottest Place On Earth.  Yesterday afternoon, it was.

     With the heat so intense, it was no wonder that Lupe Fiasco had to stop his show a couple of times to direct paramedics toward women who had passed out in the crowd.  That, of course, was nothing compared to what was about to happen.

     We moved over to watch Cheap Trick, and were going to stay at the MBNA stage for about half an hour before moving to the National Bank stage to catch Chali 2na (formerly of Jurassic 5), the guy I most wanted to see.  From there, we would take in some of Galactic and some John Butler Trio and maybe catch a bit of Satriani on the way home.  At least, that was the plan.  My sister took this photo of me, my wife and my dad at about 7:20.

     The sky seems…threatening, no?  Seconds after this picture was taken, my wife suggested we get the hell out of there, fast.  I scowled and said a little rain never hurt anyone, and it’s an outdoor concert, and stop being a sissy.  Even my dad and sister were not worried at all about getting wet.  I’m not sure about Abdullah.  But then, he doesn’t speak English much and couldn’t complain anyway.

     We started to make our way over to the National Bank stage, away from the MBNA stage, to catch the beginning of Chali 2na.  As we got to the corner, the wind hit.  Sand was blowing in our eyes and the rain was obviously coming hard and fast.  Normally you can look across the river and see trees and buildings on the other side.  Now, you couldn’t even see the river.

     We turned away from the stages and ran toward the bus stop.  People along the route were already hiding under the trailers that lined the road.  Before we could get to the street though, Bluesfest volunteers were blocking our path and directing us down into the parking garage of the War Museum which had been opened to accomodate people.  As we ducked inside, we heard the last few notes of Cheap Trick, then a crazy BOOM.  I thought it was some strange-sounding thunder.

     We made our way through the parking garage, up to the main lobby of the museum.  People were milling about, and no one seemed to know what was going on – there were occasional announcements asking people to move away from the windows and move to the parking garages, but it was almost impossible to get through the crowd.

     I saw a guy moving through the crowd from a distance – he was easy to spot, as he was a good head taller than everyone else.  He had an entourage around him, and people were snapping pics as he moved through.  It was Chali 2na, whose show (along with everyone elses’) had just been canceled.  He waved off his security detail, and shook hands and posed for pictures with everyone who crowded around.  That was pretty cool.

     After a while, the sun seemed to be back out, the rain had slowed to a trickle, and we were able to leave and make our way to the bus stop with everyone else who was being evacuated from the festival.  Only then did we notice that the MBNA stage was – gone!  It had been blown over backward onto the trucks parked behind it.  Thankfully, it hit the top of those trucks and so did not trap anyone underneath.

     Early reports are that three people were taken away in ambulances, and one is seriously injured.  Cheap Trick are fine (they got off the stage EIGHT seconds before it collapsed), but their bus driver suffered a broken leg.  Having seen the wreckage of the stage, and every paramedic and fire truck in the city flying in, it’s miraculous that injuries were not more widespread and that no one was trapped under the stage.

     We made our way to the bus stop, wet but safe – now we’re checking the news all morning, hoping everyone is OK.

     I wonder when it is that the kids of say, sports stars, discover that their parents are a big deal.  I imagine it’s pretty early on, as kids get into sports and would start fawning over say, Alfie’s son, in grade school.  I think it might take a little longer for the kids of rock stars – seven-year-olds might be into hockey at an early age, but they likely wouldn’t recognize Mick Jagger if he came to pick up his kid from school.  For a rock star’s kid, it’s probably a slow realization – like, I was just out with dad and these twins offered to do some crazy stuff to him in the elevator!  Maybe he’s a pretty big deal!  Milhouse figured it out when he was ten on The Simpsons “my dad is a pretty big wheel down at the cracker factory”.

     Now, I must say that I have always thought my dad was a big deal.  ‘Cause he’s MY dad, and everyone thinks their own parents are the best.  But it wasn’t until I was in my 30s that I discovered that others thought so as well!  I was in Brandon, Manitoba over the weekend to see Dad get an honorary degree from Brandon University.  There are four convocations at Brandon U, and each one had an honorary doctorate recipient – Gary Doer, Buffy Ste-Marie, Heather Bishop and my dad.

     They put him in a silly hat and dress and sent him up to make a speech.  Each honoree had to make about a 10-minute speech about their field of expertise – in my dad’s case, that is the agricultural economics of rural and small town Canada.  It seemed that it was his job to inspire and motivate the students graduating with a degree in rural development.  His speech was good – some day, I’ll post it to youtube, where it will surely get tens of hits.  Then the 200 graduating students came up to get their diplomas.  Including BOTH students graduating from the school of rural development.

     I thought that was pretty funny.  A ten minute speech, well received by me, my family, and a young Ugandan woman who was the lone graduate to cross the stage to receive her rural development diploma.  But if you have reached just one person…after the ceremony, the young woman approached my dad and had a long discussion with him about the books he’s written, the papers he’s produced and some kind of document he wrote that she just finished studying in school.  Or something like that.  I’m not sure exactly what they were talking about, but to me it looked as though my dad was, in fact, the Mick Jagger of agricultural economic statistics, Rural and Small Town Canada division!

     That was a pretty cool moment for me, and I’m sure an enormous honour for him.  When I was a kid, I would participate in that my-dad-is-better-than-yours game on the playgrounds.  I’d be honest about it.  When some kid said his dad could kick my dad’s ass, I said that was plausible.  My dad isn’t very big, he works in an office of some kind, and he has taken few, if any, ninja classes.  They would say their dad makes more money than mine.  That was plausible to me also, because my parents refused to buy me a horse for my birthday so I assumed we were very poor.  I could always come back with “my dad can calculate the mean income of dairy farmers in the rural area surrounding Kamloops faster and more accurately than yours” but that always failed to impress the other kids, for some reason.

     Anyway, congratulations Dad, we’re all proud of you!  Here’s the writeup for the honorary doctorate from Brandon University:

Dr. Ray Bollman — Doctor of Literature (honoris causa): A former Stanley Knowles Visiting Professor at Brandon University, Dr. Bollman is an agricultural economist and the Chief of the Rural Research Group with Statistics Canada. He has served as President of the Canadian Association of Rural Studies, President of the Canadian Agricultural Economic Society, and as a member of the founding committee of the Canadian Rural Revitalization Foundation. A prolific writer, he has edited a range of documents, including Statistics Canada’s Rural and Small Town Canada Analysis Bulletins.

     Boxing is over.  I decided this on the weekend as Bernard Hopkins became the oldest champion in boxing history with his light-heavyweight victory over Jean Pascal in Montreal.  46 years old, and he’s the champion.  Any sport where a 46-year-old can be the best in the world is no longer a “sport”.  There are now six “sports” I can think of where a 46-year-old can be the “best”.  Curling.  Golf.  Archery.  Chess.  Croquet.  And now boxing.  It isn’t the fault of Hopkins who, much as I dislike him, is still a good fighter in great shape with solid skills.  It’s that there are no more decent boxers in the world.  There’s Manny Pacquiao and a million jars of mayonnaise.  It’s over, boxing.

     I LOVED the Red Sox-Cubs series over the weekend.  Well, except for the results of the games, which didn’t favour my BoSox.  But what other sport can see two teams play each other for the first time since 1918, and they play in…the same stadium in which they met 93 years ago?  No arena in the world has the history of Fenway Park, and no sport has the incredible history of baseball.  That being said, the “throwback” uniforms really showed that in some ways, baseball has improved a LOT over the years.  I could barely tell who was who.  The team in the potato sacks beat the team in the cut-up bedsheets, I think.

     It’s too bad Canadians are paying little or no attention to baseball these days.  Toronto isn’t going to win anything this year, or any year, but they have the best hitter in the bigs and the best reason to watch game in game out – Jose Bautista is a monster.  19 homers already?  In the low-production post-steroid era?  Ridiculous.

     What’s Tim Thomas thinking, guaranteeing the Bruins win in the series?  That’s just asking for trouble.  If I’m a defenseman, I’m not even trying any more.  We’ll just go ahead and win this one – the goalie’s got it.  I’ll just skate around a little to make it look good.

     Why is it even news when someone else gets drawn out to tell the world he saw Lance Armstrong using steroids?  Is there a single person left in the universe who believes Armstrong, the greatest performer in the dirtiest sport in the world, was clean?  And if you give him the “benefit of the doubt”, and say “innocent until proven guilty”, and all that crap, aren’t you just being soft-headed and a little hypocritical?  Would you extend the same suspension of disbelief to Barry Bonds?  Michael Vick?  Mike Tyson?  Or are you willing to ignore the mountain of evidence because Armstrong is such a good guy and has a great story?  Snap out of it people – the entire myth of Armstrong, the great story, and his feel-good impact on the world is all based on a lie.  All of it.  Bite me Lance Armstrong.

     There is, however, some good news in sports.  And that is, the Badminton World Federation is mandating skirts for female badminton players.  This might well have the effect of boosting ratings for televised badminton to maybe half the take of beach volleyball, after that federation mandated two-piece bathing suits.

     The big Alice Cooper show is coming up on Monday.  Maybe you couldn’t get tickets.  Maybe you DO have tickets, but would like to whet your Alice Cooper appetite ahead of time.  Either way, a good reason to check out mALICE & MONSTERS, Ottawa’s own Alice Cooper tribute show, at the new Brass Monkey this Friday, May 13th. 

     From all accounts, mALICE & MONSTERS is a terrific show and the Brass Monkey is a great new place to see one.  I haven’t yet had a chance to check out the bar – 250 Greenbank Road in Nepean – but I hear great things about this place that used to be the Broken Cue.  Still has a ton of pool tables, but more space for live music and great acts.  Like this one!  And what could be better than seeing an Alice Cooper show on Friday the 13th?

     Every year, the Great Canadian Theatre Company (herein referred to as GCTC) puts on a “lawyer play”.  This is an event where Ottawa lawyers flex their acting chops and put on a play for a local charity.  This year’s stage production is Arthur Miller’s classic The Crucible, and runs from May 11th – May 14th, raising money for Operation Come Home.  The May 11th show is a “Preview Night”, and tickets are $35 each.  May 12th, 13th, and 14th are “gala nights”, tickets are $100 each (and youn get a $50 tax receipt), and they come with wine and a catered reception.

     This event has raised more than $800,000 for local charities over the years, and I’m thrilled to announce that Operation Come Home will be this year’s recipient, thanks I’m sure to David Scott, big-time local lawyer, OCH board member, and this year – thespian!  Other Ottawa legal professionals involved this year include Stephen Acker, Justice Robert Beaudoin, Tara Berish, Dan Caron, Mitchell Charness, Carol Cochrane, Siobahn Doody, Leanne Fioravanti, Ella Forbes-Chilibeck, Julia  Kennedy, Stephanie Lewis, Ted Mann, Justice Colin McKinnon, Natasha Morley, Sig Pantazis, Janice Payne, Rakhi Ruparelia, John Nelligan, Regional Senior Judge Charles Hackland, and Jeremy Waiser.

     Daniel Hohnstein plays John Proctor, a practical farmer whose sexual indiscretion sparked a young woman’s quest for revenge that spiralled out of control into a merciless witch hunt. Peter Doody plays Deputy Government Danforth, a renowned yet ruthless Boston judge in charge of spearheading the witch hunt and presiding over the trials. Steve Kennedy plays Reverend John Hale, a specialist in the dark arts who is brought in to seek out the Devil and his accomplices in the town of Salem.

     So – go see The Crucible at the GCTC.  Support Operation Come Home.  And watch some lawyers tread the boards, which I think alone is likely worth the price of admission!  Buy your tickets here.

     With the advent of the Sun TV network, the Ottawa Sun newspaper seems to have taken a REALLY hard turn to the right.  Which is fine, but it seems to be taking away the best thing about the Sun – those silly headlines that used to make me laugh!  Oh, I still laugh when the front page says Michael Ignatieff is “channeling Chairman Mao”, or some other statement of that ilk.  Cause that IS funny.  But it’s not funny like the Sun used to be.

     They used to try SO HARD to fit in a pun!  It was Puntastic!  They would Puntificate!  The Sun was the Punultimate!  Take yesterday’s front page, which said “Mayor Up For A Fight”, in a story about how Jim Watson wouldn’t be against bringing UFC to Scotiabank Place.  And above it, “Bon Jovi Cranks Up Sex Appeal”.  What’s going on?  A year ago, those headlines would have been hilarious.  They would have said something like “Mayor Submits to UFC’s Hold On Fans”, or something equally cumbersome and silly.

     And the Bon Jovi?  The OLD Sun would have definitely put a Bon Jovi song title in there somehow, no matter how awkward it was.  “Bon Jovi Fans Lovin’ On His Hair”…or “Bon Jovi Lays His Bands on Scotiabank”…or “Bon Jovi Gives Fan Love a Good Name”…or “Bon Jovi Fans Have A Nice Day”…or something equally painful.  Not any more.  I’m worried that they got rid of the cheesy-pun headline writer in order to get one who can somehow invent a connection between “Iggy” and “Chairman Mao”.  It’s still funny…but it isn’t the same!

     I know, some people had better things to do…so here is the Royal Wedding, in all its splendour, condensed to 88 seconds.  88 fantastic seconds.

     For all the nominees, and trailers, and so forth, scroll down one post.  Here are my reviews for many of the nominated movies this year that I have seen (with the exception of Salt, Tangled, Unstoppable and Harry Potter, which are in categories no one gives a rat’s ass about)

Black Swan (Best Picture, Best Actress for Natalie Portman, Best Director for Darren Aronofsky, Cinematography, Film Editing)

Toy Story 3 (Best Picture, Best Animated Feature, Original Song, Adapted Screenplay, Sound Editing) 

127 Hours (Best Picture, Best Actor for James Franco, Film Editing, Original Score, Original Song, Adapted Screenplay)

The Kids Are All Right (Best Picture, Best Original Screenplay, Best Actress for Annette Bening, Best Supporting Actor for Mark Ruffalo)

Winter’s Bone (Best Picture, Best Acress for Jennifer Lawrence, Best Supporting Actor for John Hawkes, Best Adapted Screenplay)

True Grit (Best Picture, Best Actor for Jeff Bridges, Best Supporting Actress for Hailee Stanfield, Best Director for the Coen Brothers, Art Direction, Cinematography, Sound Editing, Costume Design, Sound Mixing, Adapted Screenplay)

The Social Network (Best Picture, Best Actor for Jesse Eisenberg, Best Director for David Fincher, Cinematography, Film Editing, Original Score, Sound Mixing, Adapted Screenplay)

The Fighter (Best Picture, Best Supporting Actor for Christian Bale, Best Supporting Actress for Melissa Leo AND Amy Adams, Best Director for David O. Russell, Film Editing, Original Screenplay)

Inception (Best Picture, Art Direction, Cinematography, Original Score, Sound Editing, Sound Mixing, Visual Effects, Original Screenplay)

The King’s Speech (Best Picture, Best Actor for Colin Firth, Supporting Actor for Geoffrey Rush, Supporting Actress for Helena Bonham Carter, Best Director for Tom Hooper, Cinematography, Art Direction, Costume Design, Film Editing, Original Score, Original Screenplay, Sound Mixing)

The Town (Best Supporting Actor for Jeremy Renner)

How To Train Your Dragon (Best Animated Feature)

Gasland (Best Documentary Feature)

Iron Man 2 (Visual Effects)

     What I’d pick…

Best Picture – Winter’s Bone (nope)
Best Actor – James Franco (nope)
Best Actress - Jennifer Lawrence (nope)
Best Supporting Actor – John Hawkes (nope)
Best Supporting Actress – Melissa Leo (yep)
Best Director - David Fincher (nope)

     And what I predict…

Best Picture – The Social Network in an upset over The King’s Speech (nope)
Best Actor – Colin Firth narrowly over James Franco (yep)
Best Actress – Natalie Portman (yep)
Best Supporting Actor – Christian Bale narrowly over Geoffrey Rush (yep)
Best Supporting Actress – Melissa Leo over Hailee Stanfield (yep)
Best Director – David Fincher (nope)
Animated Feature Film – Toy Story 3 (yep)
Art Direction – Inception (nope)
Cinematography – True Grit (nope)
Costume Design – The King’s Speech (nope)
Documentary – Exit Through the Gift Shop (nope)
Film Editing – 127 Hours (nope)
Foreign Language Film – Biutiful (nope)
Makeup – Barney’s Version (nope)
Original Score – Inception (nope)
Original Song – Tangled (nope)
Sound Editing – Toy Story 3 (nope)
Sound Mixing – The King’s Speech (nope)
Visual Effects – Inception (yep)
Adapted Screenplay – The Social Network (yep)
Original Screenplay – The King’s Speech (yep)

     I saw today that Billy Ray Cyrus (father of Miley Cyrus) blames Hannah Montana for “ruining his life”.  I don’t know much more than that.  Now, I get it.  After all, “Achy Breaky Heart” ruined MY life for a number of years.  But I have to take issue – I’ve watched the show, and I understand.  Hannah Montana is terrible and painful and all that, yeah.  But Billy Ray – Hannah Montana IS Miley Cyrus!  She IS your daughter!  They’re the SAME PERSON!  It’s tough to figure out at first, but once you get it, it’s all cool.  So just watch a couple more shows, figure that out and you’ll be fine.