You’ve probably seen this already, if you’ve spent any time on the internet today.  But for those who come only to the CHEZ page, you’ve gotta see this.

     In honour of Piranha 3DD, which opens June 1st.  We’re giving away 4-packs of tickets to the premiere on the 6:40 tough question all this week.  Several world-class hotties show up in this one:

Katrina Bowden

Danielle Panabaker

Tabitha Taylor

     I loved the first Piranha movie – the over-the-top naked boobs, the over-the-top violence, the bizarre involvement of Richard Dreyfuss and the amazing, way-too-long bloody finale where hundreds of hot babes in bikinis thrash about in the water while piranhas eat them for what seems like 40 minutes.  So with all this in mind, a short list of the best-looking women ever to be victimized in horror movies:

     Kelly Brook and Riley Steele, Piranha 3-D.  Kelly Brook is one of the hottest models in the world, Riley Steele is a porn star.  And the scene in Piranha where they cavort together naked in the water for what seems like an eternity is a magnificent 28 minutes of cinematography.  Or maybe it was just two minutes.  I can’t remember.

     Katrina Bowden, Tucker And Dale Vs. Evil.  Bowden is probably best known for her role on 30 Rock, but she was fantastic as the accident-prone, super-hot “college girl” in the terribly under-rated horror-comedy Tucker And Dale.  The scene where she shows up to help Dale dig an outhouse is hilarious, and she is breathtakingly hot. While digging an outhouse. That’s impressive.  She also appears in Piranha 3DD.

     Danielle Panabaker, Friday The 13th (remake of course), The Crazies, The Ward.  Also in the new Piranha 3DD.  The Crazies was not a particularly great movie, or remake, or anything else.  Timothy Olyphant was doing a cardboard-cutout version of his awesome character in Justified.  But Panabaker as Becca made it worthwhile.

     Jennifer Aniston, Leprechaun.  I really would have liked to use Shevonne Durkin here, from Leprechaun 2 – the scene in that movie where the Leprechaun creates the illusion that Shevonne Durkin is topless and the guy shoves his face into a running lawmower is a classic.  But I can’t find any pictures of her to put into this post, so I will have to go with Jennifer Aniston from the first one. Cause there are lots of pictures of her.

     And here is the only decent picture I could find of Shevonne Durkin:

     Eliza Dushku, Wrong Turn.  I confess to a bias here – I think Eliza Dushku is one of the hottest people ever.  And although she was far hotter in Bring It On, and in Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, I just have to include her for the otherwise bad movie Wrong Turn.

     Crystal Lowe, Wrong Turn 2, Black Christmas.  Lowe makes her living being a hot chick who dies gruesomely in a variety of movies.  Wrong Turn 2 is probably the highlight.  Honourable mention to Final Destination 3.

     Shannyn Sossamon, One Missed Call, Catacombs, many others.  I think maybe the only reason she hasn’t become a huge star is that she looks like every other really smoking hot actress, all at once.

     Elisha Cuthbert, House of Wax.  The best thing about Cuthbert’s appearance in this awful movie was that when she stood next to Paris Hilton it became immediately clear that Paris was easily the second hottest person on the screen.

     Honourable mention to:

Denise Richards (Valentine)

Jessica Stroup (The Hills Have Eyes 2)

Amy Smart (Mirrors)

Anna Faris (she’s in everything)

Rachel Blanchard (Snakes on a Plane)

And every girl in every Scream movie ever.

     Maybe this will help you with the Doc and Woody show’s contest for playoff tickets for Wednesday’s game…we’re asking for people to call in with their motivational speeches.  I suggested all of these this morning as examples we could play on the air.  Since then, I have been completely ignored.  So I thought I’d put them up here, to help out somehow…here goes.

Van Wilder:

Patton:

Braveheart:

300:

Poolhall Junkies:

     Steven Seagal will be on Jimmy Kimmel tonight…set your PVRs!  He’ll be talking about his new TV series True Justice, which premieres this week (Friday night folks! Set your PVR again!)  In celebration, here’s a picture I love:

     Frederica Sagor Maas (Freddie Maas in many of her credits) died just before New Years at the age of 111.  One hundred and eleven.  Years old.  She was maybe the last survivor of Hollywood’s silent movie era, where she was a screenwriter for films such as Greta Garbo’s Flesh and the Devil and Norma Shearer’s His Secretary and The Waning Sex.  She also wrote The Rolled Stockings, The Way of All Flesh and The Plastic Age.

     Weird how silent movie titles from the 20s could easily work as porno titles today, huh?

     Anyway, I think the coolest thing about Maas, (and the reason I’m writing about her at all) is that she was pretty badass!  She had to write mostly “flapper” comedies with Clara Bow and Betty Grable because the studio honchos figured that was all a woman could do.  She and her husband, Ernest Maas, became a fairly prolific writing team, but studios wouldn’t take anything of substance from them.

     They continued writing after the silent era, doing a few talkies through the 30s and 40s.  Finally, in the late 40s, Maas wrote a deeply personal, powerful movie script about womens’ struggles.  Hollywood took that script and turned it into the fluffy, utterly vacuous musical The Shocking Miss Pilgrim starring Betty Grable in 1947.  Freddie Maas had had enough, gave the finger to the whole industry and quit in disgust.

     The industry was a little sour about that.  So even though she was out of Hollywood by 1950, they still had her interrogated by the FBI for suspected communist activities, and she and her husband were placed on the Hollywood blacklist.  This is 1950 now, she was already fifty years old.  And she had another 61 years to live.

     So what do you do?  Well, she wrote.  And in 1999, at age 99, she published her autobiography, called The Shocking Miss Pilgrim: A Writer in Early Hollywood.  It was a tell-all book about Hollywood in the 20s, a scathing indictment of the vapidity of the industry, and a series of anecdotes about famous people that by then, almost no one remembered.

     Clara Bow once danced nude on a tabletop!  That would have been huge news in 1925…Jeanne Eagels pissing out in the open right there on the movie set…Louis B. Mayer being an insecure, pompous douchebag who was apparently disliked by every person he ever met…all of this was great – but sort of irrelevant as everyone else who had co-existed with these people was long dead.

     I just love someone who finally decides, at the age of 99, to unleash all of her bitterness toward the industry in a book.  And it makes me think that perhaps anger, bitterness and resentment are some of the keys to a long life – the other Hollywood writer-director that comes to mind when I think of centenarians is Leni Riefenstahl, the controversial Nazi film-maker who bitterly raged against her critics until her death at the age of 101. 

     By this logic, I think a couple of people who post on our facebook page will live a heck of a long time!

     I realize that the current popularity of vampire movies owes most of its momentum to the awful Twilight series – and True Blood and The Vampire Diaries are just indicative of the trend.  But before Twilight, vampire movies were a little less…lame.  Not to say the Underworld series was cinematic excellence, by any means, but it was far superior to the chaste, sexually-frustrated pale-faced fare that came after.

     Both series have some cool action sequences and a reasonably engaging battle between werewolves and vampires.  But the big difference is, of course, the star.  Where Twilight relies on the bland, vaguely-pretty-but-emotionless Kristin Stewart to carry the films as a constantly apathetic damsel-in-distress, the Underworld series had Kate Beckinsale kicking ass herself, doing an actual acting job, and rather than being vacuous, average-looking and devoid of personality, she was smoking hot, tough as nails, and clad in tight black leather.

     Beckinsale remains gorgeous, and clad in tight black leather, in the upcoming Underworld 4, due out in January.  Really, this whole post was just an excuse to put up this trailer…

     Came across this picture at Ain’t It Cool News.  Thought I’d throw it up because it makes me happy and nostalgic for a time I never knew.  The photo was taken on the set of an old film noir called The Lady From Shanghai (1947).  Is it just me, or do black-and-white photographs make women a thousand times hotter?

     You know how Janet Jackson’s nipple slip was the most paused moment in TV history?  Now some nerds have figured out the top ten most-paused moments in movie history.  And wouldn’t you know, most of them involve nudity in some way.

1. Sharon Stone crossing her legs – Basic Instinct (1992) – 31 %

     I probably can’t put that on my blog…but you can watch it here if you like.  I forgot Newman was in this scene!  Newman! 

2. Jennifer Lopez naked rear – The Back-Up Plan (2010) – 16%

     She’s not actually naked, it’s a little thong.  You can fast forward to the 3:15 mark to see it…I’m wondering though – for a moment to be one of the “most paused” moments, shouldn’t the movie have been seen by more than eleven people?

3. Stormtrooper bangs his head – Star Wars – Episode IV – A New Hope (1977) – 15%

     Did I really just see that?  Yes, I did.  Did I really just care?  Yes, I’m an enormous nerd.

4. Jamie Lee Curtis flash – Trading Places (1983) – 8%

     Once again, can’t put this on the blog.  But you can watch it here.  Maybe it’s because I’m not a child of the 80s.  But I don’t really get it.  The girl in Leprechaun 3 had a nicer rack…and Jamie Lee Curtis in True Lies was, I think, vastly superior to this one…

5. Jessica Rabbit goes commando – Who Framed Roger Rabbit (1988) – 6%

     Couldn’t find a video…here’s the screen shot.  I don’t know what’s creepier.  That people are pausing and rewinding their movies to see this, or that (clearly) some of them are doing it after renting the movie with their kids.

6. Brad Pitt flashes behind doctor in hospital – Fight Club (1999) – 5%

     I get it, at least.  It’s a ladies’ version of our Sharon Stone moment.  More on Fight Club here.

7. Captain America’s shield appears on desk – Iron Man 2 (2010) – 4%

     This is probably a combination of two things – first, giant giant giant comic nerds are obsessive.  And second, this movie was SO bad, and SO boring, that people were scanning the background for something more interesting than the action in the centre of the screen.

8. Dust spells out ‘S.F.X’ – The Lion King (1994) – 3%

     Seriously?  Even with it spelled out for me on that video, I can’t tell anything is there.  Who would pause THAT?

9. Pacman cameo – Tron (1982) -2%

     In the NEW Tron, if you look really, really closely, you can spot Oscar winning actor Jeff Bridges.

10. Nicole Kidman rear-end flash – Eyes Wide Shut (1999) – 1%

     There are places on the net you can go to see this scene.  Actually, there are many many places you can go to see Nicole Kidman naked in a variety of movies.  Sometimes a butt, sometimes boobs, sometimes more.  But my computer at work will not let me go to those places on the internet until I am older.  My big question here is – with all the Nicole Kidman nudity available to the movie viewer, it’s that one scene in Eyes Wide Shut they paused?  That’s weird – it means that person had to spend a few seconds MORE watching Eyes Wide Shut.

     I welcome comments  here – any moments in movies left out of this list?  I, for one, would suggest a few – Leprechaun 3, of course, because I watched it at the age where things of that nature were very interesting to me.  I also paused a Brad Pitt scene a few times – the one in Meet Joe Black where he gets hit by many cars and a bus.  And the scene in Wayne’s World where Lara Flynn Boyle falls off her bicycle.

     Trailer sent to me by my buddy Mark – apparently will be available in stores and on demand very soon…Rubber!

     For all the nominees, and trailers, and so forth, scroll down one post.  Here are my reviews for many of the nominated movies this year that I have seen (with the exception of Salt, Tangled, Unstoppable and Harry Potter, which are in categories no one gives a rat’s ass about)

Black Swan (Best Picture, Best Actress for Natalie Portman, Best Director for Darren Aronofsky, Cinematography, Film Editing)

Toy Story 3 (Best Picture, Best Animated Feature, Original Song, Adapted Screenplay, Sound Editing) 

127 Hours (Best Picture, Best Actor for James Franco, Film Editing, Original Score, Original Song, Adapted Screenplay)

The Kids Are All Right (Best Picture, Best Original Screenplay, Best Actress for Annette Bening, Best Supporting Actor for Mark Ruffalo)

Winter’s Bone (Best Picture, Best Acress for Jennifer Lawrence, Best Supporting Actor for John Hawkes, Best Adapted Screenplay)

True Grit (Best Picture, Best Actor for Jeff Bridges, Best Supporting Actress for Hailee Stanfield, Best Director for the Coen Brothers, Art Direction, Cinematography, Sound Editing, Costume Design, Sound Mixing, Adapted Screenplay)

The Social Network (Best Picture, Best Actor for Jesse Eisenberg, Best Director for David Fincher, Cinematography, Film Editing, Original Score, Sound Mixing, Adapted Screenplay)

The Fighter (Best Picture, Best Supporting Actor for Christian Bale, Best Supporting Actress for Melissa Leo AND Amy Adams, Best Director for David O. Russell, Film Editing, Original Screenplay)

Inception (Best Picture, Art Direction, Cinematography, Original Score, Sound Editing, Sound Mixing, Visual Effects, Original Screenplay)

The King’s Speech (Best Picture, Best Actor for Colin Firth, Supporting Actor for Geoffrey Rush, Supporting Actress for Helena Bonham Carter, Best Director for Tom Hooper, Cinematography, Art Direction, Costume Design, Film Editing, Original Score, Original Screenplay, Sound Mixing)

The Town (Best Supporting Actor for Jeremy Renner)

How To Train Your Dragon (Best Animated Feature)

Gasland (Best Documentary Feature)

Iron Man 2 (Visual Effects)

     What I’d pick…

Best Picture – Winter’s Bone (nope)
Best Actor – James Franco (nope)
Best Actress - Jennifer Lawrence (nope)
Best Supporting Actor – John Hawkes (nope)
Best Supporting Actress – Melissa Leo (yep)
Best Director - David Fincher (nope)

     And what I predict…

Best Picture – The Social Network in an upset over The King’s Speech (nope)
Best Actor – Colin Firth narrowly over James Franco (yep)
Best Actress – Natalie Portman (yep)
Best Supporting Actor – Christian Bale narrowly over Geoffrey Rush (yep)
Best Supporting Actress – Melissa Leo over Hailee Stanfield (yep)
Best Director – David Fincher (nope)
Animated Feature Film – Toy Story 3 (yep)
Art Direction – Inception (nope)
Cinematography – True Grit (nope)
Costume Design – The King’s Speech (nope)
Documentary – Exit Through the Gift Shop (nope)
Film Editing – 127 Hours (nope)
Foreign Language Film – Biutiful (nope)
Makeup – Barney’s Version (nope)
Original Score – Inception (nope)
Original Song – Tangled (nope)
Sound Editing – Toy Story 3 (nope)
Sound Mixing – The King’s Speech (nope)
Visual Effects – Inception (yep)
Adapted Screenplay – The Social Network (yep)
Original Screenplay – The King’s Speech (yep)