The Americans may believe they “won” the Olympics. But really, it was Usain Bolt who won the Olympics. That guy is just awesome, and I never get tired of watching him cruise past all the other competitors like he’s not even trying. He reminds me of that scene in The Incredibles when the parents are yelling at the kid to slow down and only win by a little, so no one gets wise to the fact that he’s a superhero.
I also love the showmanship of the Jamaican sprinters. But their win in the 4×100 was a foregone conclusion. I think it would have been far more interesting, and also would have been great showmanship, if Yohan Blake had handed the baton to Usain Bolt, who then passed it to the fattest Jamaican weightlifter on the team for the anchor leg. Take that, the rest of the world, we’re gonna win this regardless.
I think that by adding Anthony Davis to their Olympic roster, the American men’s basketball team were basically doing the same thing. See – we can have a gyu who’s not even in the NBA, and we’re still gonna win!
I think the Canadian women’s soccer screw-job against the Americans will actually be more memorable, in a decade, than an actual win would have been. Of course, had we lost the bronze, that might have been different.
I think the best game I saw in the whole Olympics was Australia – China in waterpolo.
Rhythmic gymnastics is the ice dance of the summer Olympics. In that it’s the one event that I can’t watch for more than one second before my skin tries to crawl off my body.
I hate watching horses jump over things.
Destinee Hooker also wins the Olympics. I give this super-hot US volleyball star the title of Best Name At the Games, ahead of Yay She-Win, Regina George, Jack Bauer, the Brazilian soccer player Hulk, Canadian swimmer Victoria Poon and (barely) Kim Yoo Suk. I also give her props for appearing in ESPN’s the Body Issue. Naked posing is gutsy for someone 6’4″, but moreso for someone named after a poorly-translated Hong Kong brothel.
I have decided that I really don’t care at all whose parents have recently died, whose father was diagnosed with cancer, or whose mother had her house foreclosed upon. Once is fine. But when every single athlete at the Olympics has some kind of personal tragedy to overcome, then in the end none of them do.
Synchronizing things is a really lame way to add more events into the Olympics.
Being proud, as a country, of a gold medal in trampoline is like being proud, as a country, of Nickelback. It’s the sort of thing you say while coughing. Yeah, we won a gold medal. In what? In coughtramcoughochokeoline.
And my new favourite athlete is Alex Morgan. For at least a week, until I forget everything about the Olympics I just watched.
