I understand why Doc thinks it’s a great thing that Guns N’ Roses are doing a residency in Las Vegas. See, that way, if you happen to be in Vegas at that time, you can just mosey on over to the GNR show and watch some rock n roll and then get back to your gambling and beer drinking and hookers and buffet. I think it probably appeals to Axl Rose for the same reason.

     This is in no way an indictment of Guns N Roses, the band, as they are currently constituted. I know a lot of people hate Axl Rose, and hate on the band, and make fun of them for their lack of class, authenticity and punctuality. I might agree. But this is more about Vegas, the place where bands go when it’s time to be put out to pasture.

     For example, we would all be very excited if AC/DC decided to come to Ottawa to play in the parking lot for the opening of a Stittsville supermarket, wouldn’t we? AC/DC is coming here! We barely have to get up and we can go see them! True. But at the same time, wouldn’t you find it a little bit sad?

     It’s supposed to say “Spinal Tap”, THEN “puppet show”!

     So rejoice, those of you who might take in a Guns N Roses show if you happened to be in the same city they were on a night they were playing and had nothing better to do. There are all kinds of opportunities for entertainment in Vegas, and you can now take in a giant buffet, Guns N Roses, Carrot Top, Air Supply and Donnie and Marie, all in one day!

     My point is simply this – hard rockers in Vegas should be a one-show, one-night deal. You know, as part of a tour. Motley Crue did this in February, but really who cares about what Motley Crue does? Elton John is in Vegas. He fits in. Celine Dion is in Vegas. That makes sense. As does Air Supply and Cirque Du Soleil and David Copperfield.  But GNR? This just means it’s the beginning of the end.

     Vegas, remember, is where Elvis went to get fat. And then, it’s where Fat Elvis went to die. It’s the final rest home stop for artists that are too big to ever go to Branson Missouri. And while I understand that Fat Axl may want to follow in the footsteps of Fat Elvis, dead at 41 35 years ago today, and he likes the idea that he can play shows without having to get up and move around between them, this is the beginning of the end.

     There’s a story in the news today about a guy who won $232 million in a British lottery, and joked that he wanted to spend the money reuniting the original lineup of GNR. I would suggest that he save his money. Axl Rose has finally destroyed everything that the original lineup stood for, and with their move to Vegas, he has sounded the death knell for all that Guns N Roses ever was. See you at the buffet!

     The Americans may believe they “won” the Olympics.  But really, it was Usain Bolt who won the Olympics.  That guy is just awesome, and I never get tired of watching him cruise past all the other competitors like he’s not even trying.  He reminds me of that scene in The Incredibles when the parents are yelling at the kid to slow down and only win by a little, so no one gets wise to the fact that he’s a superhero.

     I also love the showmanship of the Jamaican sprinters.  But their win in the 4×100 was a foregone conclusion.  I think it would have been far more interesting, and also would have been great showmanship, if Yohan Blake had handed the baton to Usain Bolt, who then passed it to the fattest Jamaican weightlifter on the team for the anchor leg. Take that, the rest of the world, we’re gonna win this regardless.

     I think that by adding Anthony Davis to their Olympic roster, the American men’s basketball team were basically doing the same thing.  See – we can have a gyu who’s not even in the NBA, and we’re still gonna win!

     I think the Canadian women’s soccer screw-job against the Americans will actually be more memorable, in a decade, than an actual win would have been. Of course, had we lost the bronze, that might have been different.

     I think the best game I saw in the whole Olympics was Australia – China in waterpolo.

     Rhythmic gymnastics is the ice dance of the summer Olympics. In that it’s the one event that I can’t watch for more than one second before my skin tries to crawl off my body.

     I hate watching horses jump over things.

     Destinee Hooker also wins the Olympics.  I give this super-hot US volleyball star the title of Best Name At the Games, ahead of Yay She-Win, Regina George, Jack Bauer, the Brazilian soccer player Hulk, Canadian swimmer Victoria Poon and (barely) Kim Yoo Suk. I also give her props for appearing in ESPN’s the Body Issue.  Naked posing is gutsy for someone 6’4″, but moreso for someone named after a poorly-translated Hong Kong brothel.

     I have decided that I really don’t care at all whose parents have recently died, whose father was diagnosed with cancer, or whose mother had her house foreclosed upon.  Once is fine.  But when every single athlete at the Olympics has some kind of personal tragedy to overcome, then in the end none of them do.

     Synchronizing things is a really lame way to add more events into the Olympics.

     Being proud, as a country, of a gold medal in trampoline is like being proud, as a country, of Nickelback.  It’s the sort of thing you say while coughing.  Yeah, we won a gold medal. In what? In coughtramcoughochokeoline.

     And my new favourite athlete is Alex Morgan. For at least a week, until I forget everything about the Olympics I just watched.