Doc and Woody and Randall are off on vacation. I’m not, because I have less vacation than they do. But for whatever reason, Cosmo is doing the morning show while they are gone, and I will be doing overnights. Listen for me at midnight on Tuesday Wednesday and Thursday! And…that’s about it. That’s all I’m doing this week while they’re gone, which basically means I’m on vacation too, and I can get up whenever I like. I tend to choose noon. So that means that for the first time in a long while, I am awake when my wife is awake. And that means that I am currently subjected to the TV shows that she watches religiously.
One of those shows is The Bachelor. She isn’t a big fan of watching the show with ME, because apparently my loud derisive laughter interrupts her enjoyment of the carnage. This show is truly amazing. The fact that no one clues in to how staged and fake it is stuns me. Really? The BACHELOR chose the crazy maniac chick to stick around until the end? But she’s crazy! How can he not know? Or…maybe…he DOES know she’s a nut, and the PRODUCERS think it’s a good idea to keep her around? BECAUSE she’s crazy? Oh, that’s nonsense isn’t it.
This really is an incredible show though – you thought the best job for men in the world was wearing a headset and holding a clipboard and collecting 4 million dollars a year as a backup quarterback for the Colts? Oh no, my friend. The best job in the world is CLEARY The Bachelor. You can be the biggest douchebag in the world. You can be the worst person alive. And you will still get 25 incredibly, impossibly hot women who are desperate to jump your junk. As soon as a show becomes competition, women will do anything to win against each other. Not only that, but they will actually be able to DELUDE themselves completely and believe that it’s true love! Amazing, this. You do realize, stupid women, that once the Caribbean cruise and the walks on the moonlit beach and the parties catered by slaves are finished, you’re gonna end up with this Brad dink in some cheap house in Vanier watching him play X-Box, right?
So – best job in the world! I would like to see a spinoff show here. How about some fat, silly, gross farting slob becomes the bachelor? Like…someone like me? No reasonable woman would want to be with this guy normally, but when it’s a competition, and they’re up against other women…would they still fall in love? I’m betting they would. Furthermore. I would like to see a Bachelor show where the guy who’s banging all these women (and let’s not kid ourselves, he’s banging them all) suddenly reveals that…he…hates black people. Or something equally awful. And see if the women, already vicious in the heat of competition, stick around and fight it out to the end anyway, overlooking what is clearly an ENORMOUS character flaw? I would watch that show. And like it.
After The Bachelor, there was a dog show. Prissy fluffy dogs running around a ring. I couldn’t understand for the life of me why anyone would watch this on television. I guess TSN didn’t have a Blue Jackets game or a tractor pull or a bowling tournament to televise, so they had to go with the dog show. I know my wife is insane about dogs. I know that because we have a menagerie running around our house. But why would she want to watch this? It’s just stupid looking dogs running in a circle, then some woman judging them on a series of criteria unknown to the rest of the world. But more disturbing than the television audience which may well number in the dozens – how is the building sold out? How are there people in the crowd? You can’t see the puck in a hockey game, and you can’t see a Corgi at a dog show in MSG. It just doesn’t make any damn sense to me.
Then we watched a show called Heavy. This is a show where really, really cartoonishly fat people go to some kind of boot camp with some chick named Britny and get hammered back into shape via a mixture of verbal abuse and starvation. I’m trying to lose weight right now. I’m on the 10-week workplace weight loss challenge (currently in first place, looking to reclaim the title I lost last year). Here’s the thing – losing weight is EASY. It really is. Eat less. Work out more. Pounds come off. Done. So how come it’s a big deal when people get crammed into this facility, forced to work out, and fed 81 calories per meal, and they manage to lose weight? It would be pretty silly if they didn’t. I like this show though, because I think it’s funny to watch really really fat people cry and jiggle.
I saw an ad for a show about storage spaces. Seriously, storage spaces. And I cringed. I saw an ad for American Idol. And I gagged. And then I saw an ad for a home improvement show that stars Vanilla Ice. I have spent the rest of the night in the bathroom. I miss Keith Olbermann. I PVR’d his show every night and watched it first thing every morning. Now I have no idea what I will PVR to replace Countdown. I know it won’t be The Bachelor. Sometimes, I’m really glad I go to sleep at 5:30 on regular nights.