Years:  1975 1976
Genre:  TV series, Drama
Country:  United States
Languages:  English
Starring:  Karl Malden, Michael Douglas
DVD distributor:  Paramount Home Entertainment

     I’ve always liked Streets of San Francisco – not so much because it was a great show (it wasn’t), but because I love Karl Malden and it’s pretty cool to see a super-young Michael Douglas before he became really famous. On August 28^th, Paramount Home Entertainment releases Season Four, in two DVD volumes.

     Right away, it wasn’t just about Malden and Douglas. It was about other guest stars before they were famous. In the very first episode, a young Mark Hamill shows up as the drug addict son of a renegade cop. This was a year before Star Wars, which of course shot Hamill to fame as Luke Skywalker. So, now I’ve seen him in five things. Star Wars, The Empire Strikes Back, Return of the Jedi and Jay And Silent Bob Strike Back. And now Streets of San Francisco. I wonder what that guy’s doing now.

     There are a few other stars who appear in season four, (note John Ritter‘s appearance above) but most notably Paul Sorvino as a renegade cop looking to avenge his partner’s death. There were a lot of renegade cops on Streets of San Francisco.

     But of course Karl Malden and Michael Douglas were there to uphold the law, stop the renegade cops and serve as advocates for procedure, police integrity and due process. And the biggest problem with the show was that they did just that in every single episode.

Year:  2012
Genre:  TV series, ”Reality“, Garbage
Country:  United States
Language:  English
Starring:  The worst people in the world
DVD distributor:  Paramount Home Entertainment

     There is a limited shelf life for Jersey Shore, at least with the current cast of sexers and flexers and douchebags and dingbats. After all, they will eventually reach an age where they might realize that dirty, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son.

     That’s why, despite having been on TV for only two and a half years, they have already gone through FIVE TV seasons, and even have a spin-off show for Snooki and J-Wow. In Season Five, (on DVD August 28^th from Paramount Home Entertainment), the gang is back from Italy and once again working at the T-shirt store.

     The thing is, I have the whole DVD set. So why start every episode with “previously, on Jersey Shore…”? I have the whole season. I know what happened “previously, on Jersey Shore.” I know that the Situation was a whiny assbag, and that Deena was a desperate, sad stupid troll and that Pauly D was an obnoxious narcisist and that Vinny slept with lesbians and that Snooki got drunk and fell over. Skip skip skip.

     Speaking of Snooki getting drunk and falling over, that is, of course, all she has ever done on this show. Except in season five, when she keeps peeing uncontrollably for some reason, and goes to the doctor. No one ever explains WHY she’s having these medical issues, and she chalks it up to a urinary tract infection. Or, because she’s too cool for real words, a UTI.

     Strange then, to see that she just gave birth. On Sunday. To a child. Now, I’m not cynical enough to believe that MTV kept the news of her pregnancy a secret so she could continue to get hammered and fall down with impunity. But I AM just cynical enough to believe they timed the release of Season Five of Jersey Shore for the week that Snooki gave birth and got into the news again. Now that I can believe.

Years:  2011, 2012
Genre:  TV series, Crime, Drama
Country:  United States
Language:  English, French
Starring:  Mark Harmon, Michael Weatherly, Pauley Perrette, Sean Murray, David McCallum, Brian Dietzen, Cote De Pablo, Rocky Carroll, Jamie Lee Curtis
Creator:  Donald P. Bellisario, Don McGill
Run time:  16 hours, 49 minutes
DVD distributor:  Paramount Home Entertainment

     I don’t mind when NCIS does the two or three part episodes. It’s a great show, and I can handle waiting for the next episode to find out what happens. But the way they closed out Season 9, with three parts of what could end up being a six part episode with a very annoying cliff hanger, is a lot too much.

     On August 21^st Paramount Home Entertainment releases Season 9 of NCIS on DVD, and I have now watched it all.  I really liked the first four discs, because they’re pretty much what I’ve come to expect from NCIS – a solid procedural crime show with a good cast. Yeah, there are some cop-out episodes where they get rid of Ziva’s boyfriend so they can keep playing on the sexual tension between her and Tony, but it’s a small complaint.

     My big complaint – and I do have a big complaint – is with the last two discs. Partly because of the annoying cliffhanger episodes, but mostly because of the introduction of Jamie Lee Curtis to the show. I like Jamie Lee Curtis, but her role is so badly written that it’s painful. She’s a super-agent in the psychological warfare division of…something…called psy-ops. And she’s all about the mind games, you see. So she’s sneaky and mysterious and devious and manipulative.

     Ostensibly, she has been introduced as a foil/romantic love interest for Mark Harmon’s Gibbs, as she’s supposed to be his intellectual and badass equal. But she doesn’t seem that way to me. To me, she just comes across as one of those incredibly irritating women who thinks she’s way smarter and way sexier than she actually is, and just ends up being creepy. And Jamie Lee Curtis, in Season Nine of NCIS, creeps me out. And it’s not (just) because she now looks exactly like my mom.

Years:  2011, 2012
Genre:  TV series, Crime, Drama
Country:  United States
Language:  English
Starring:  LL Cool J, Chris O’Donnell, Linda Hunt, Peter Cambor, Daniela Ruah, Adam Jamal Craig, Barrett Foa, Claire Forlani
Creator:  Shane Brennan
Run time:  17 hours, 25 minutes
DVD distributor:  Paramount Home Entertainment
Related reviews:  NCIS Season Seven, NCIS Season Eight, NCIS: LA Season One, NCIS: LA Season Two

     Even more so than NCIS, NCIS: LA is brainless fun. It’s loud, and flashy, and all buddy-coppy and generally generic. But muscular LL Cool J, brooding Chris O’Donnell, smoking hot Daniela Ruah and especially tiny little badass Linda Hunt make the otherwise run-of-the-mill subject matter truly entertaining.

     Season three of NCIS: LA comes to DVD August 21^st from Paramount Home Entertainment, and like Season nine of NCIS, it ends with an obnoxious cliffhanger that suggests Hetty is going to resign…again. At the end of every season, she’s either about to quit or about to be killed. I get it. But I also get that Hetty is the best part of the show, and it’s quite likely she’ll be back at the beginning of Season Four. Other than that, season three is as entertaining as usual, helped along by the addition of Claire Forlani for a number of episodes, giving us yet another pretty shiny thing to look at.

     NCIS: LA is like Lays potato chips. It’s tasty, has little substance, and you can’t watch just one episode. That’s why it is best watched on DVD, rather than on TV. When I watch an episode on TV, I forget it exists by the time the next week rolls around. On DVD, I can watch the entire season in a weekend and enjoy every minute.

Year:  1963
Genre:  TV series, Lawyer, Drama
Country:  United States
Language:  English
Starring:  Raymond Burr, Barbara Hale
DVD distributor:  Paramount Home Entertainment

     The best thing about Perry Mason was Raymond Burr and his (now almost cartoonish) gravitas. But the second best thing I think was the dated and campy way they titled each episode. The Case Of The Nebulous Nephew! The Shifty Shoebox! The Festive Felon and the Devious Delinquent! The Badgered Brother and the Bouncing Boomerang!

     Sometimes though, alliteration doesn’t cut it, and they go with something equally clever and giggle-worthy, like my personal favourite, the Case of the Drowsy Mosquito! The great titles of most of the episodes make the lame titles seem that much sadder. Where was the effort on the Bigamous Spouse, the Floating Stones, or the Deadly Verdict? All of these titles can be seen on Season Seven Volume One of Perry Mason, out August 21^st on DVD from Paramount Home Entertainment.

     You’ll also get the episodes The Wednesday Woman, the Accosted Accountant and the Decadent Dean, as well as guest appearances from some reasonably well-known actresses like Pippa Scott and Julie Adams, most famous as the hottie girlfriend in Creature From The Black Lagoon. Other than that, you’ll get Perry Mason solving crimes. And that’s always fun to watch.

Year:  1981
Genre:  TV series, Drama
Country:  United States
Language:  English
Starring:  Robert Urich, Phyllis Davis, Bart Braverman, Greg Morris, Will Sampson, Tony Curtis
Guest star: Wayne Newton
Eye candy:  All kinds.  Strippers, showgirls, hookers, everyone is apparently hot in Vegas. 
Creator:  Michael Mann
Run time:  9 hours, 51 minutes
DVD distributor:  Paramount Home Entertainment

     On August 14^th Paramount Home Entertainment releases the last DVD set of the old Robert Urich show Vega$, which lasted three seasons in the late 70s and early 80s. Season Three, Volume Two sees Dan Tanna continuing to do what he’s done in all the other DVD sets of Vega$. Sleeping with showgirls, cruising around town in a big ol’ car, and investigating crimes.

      It’s the Vegas of Watne Newton and skeezy prostitution and run-down strip clubs, the kind of Vegas I’ve never seen but the one I’m nostalgic for nonetheless. Wayne Newton himself shows up now and then in these shows, and that’s always fun. I have never been able to take this show in large doses, so I have been content with the seasons being split up into volumes up until now. But now that I’ve seen them all, I feel the same sort of nostalgia. I’m going to miss this show, even if it was canceled before I was born!

     This is also the Vega$ of What Happens In Vegas Stays In Vegas. Which really is an antiquated notion what with cell phone cameras and Prnice Harry all naked on the weekend and Ryan Lochte walking around shirtless wearing his gold medals. We’ve made a poll about it today, log into the CHEZ nation to weigh in on Vega$!

Year:  2011
Genre:  TV series, Crime, Drama
Country:  United States
Language:  English
Starring:  Michael C. Hall, Jennifer Carpenter, Desmond Harrington, Lauren Velez, David Zayas, James Remar
Guest stars:  Colin Hanks, Edward James Olmos, Mos Def  
Creator:  James Manos Jr.
Run time:  10 hours, 32 minutes
DVD distributor:  Paramount Home Entertainment

     The sixth season of Dexter comes out on DVD and Blu-Ray August 14^th from Paramount Home Entertainment. It’s as entertaining a show as ever, and I really liked Season Six, but it doesn’t quite live up to previous seasons. The reason for that is mostly the introduction of religion into the show, giving Dexter something of a crisis of faith, but also providing him with one of the weaker antagonists in recent years.

     Colin Hanks is good as the Doomsday Killer, but he just doesn’t seem as evil as previous serial killers who have gone up against Dexter. He’s less of a maniac serial killer genius, and more of an unfortunately violent insane religious nutjob. That’s one problem. The other problem I have with season six is the ending – not so much for the resolution of the serial killer story, but for the addition of yet another super-creepy story line. This is a show about a serial killer with a baby at home. Do we really need another skin-crawling plot twist?

     That being said, the final four minutes of the last episode of season six are legitimately heart-stopping, and make season seven that much more anticipated.  No telling where it’s gonna go, but it can only get creepier from here!

Year:  1959
Genre:  Western, TV series
Country:  United States
Language:  English
Starring:  James Arness, Milburn Stone, Amanda Blake, Dennis Weaver
Creators:  John Meston, Norman MacDonnell
DVD distributor:  Paramount Home Entertainment

     Gunsmoke was famous because it was an iconic western TV series that lasted longer than any other.  The longest running prime time drama of all time, 20 years and 635 episodes, all featuring marshall Matt Dillon shooting people.  Some of those 635 episodes come to DVD on August 7^th from Paramount Home Entertainment with the release of Season Six, Volume One.

     As I was watching the set, I wondered how a show with pretty much the exact same plot in every episode could have lasted so long. Matt Dillon is incorruptible and honest. A good cop with an itchy trigger finger. He doesn’t want to have to shoot the bad guys, but invariably they put him in a position where he has to, and he’s pretty comfortable with that.  I just kept thinking that at some point this whole TV series had to run its course, long before the 20 seasons were up. But then, I just kept watching. 

     Then I realized that Gunsmoke is actually still on the air! Timothy Olyphant’s Marshall Raylan Givens in Justified is really just James Arness’s marshall Matt Dillon 2.0. It’s just that instead of shooting horse thieves and bank robbers, he’s shooting drug dealers and pimps.  This is the revelation I had watching season six volume one of Gunsmoke. Matt Dillon will never die.

Year:  1962
Genre:  TV series, Western
Country:  United States
Language:  English
Starring:  Lorne Greene, Michael Landon, Pernell Roberts, Dan Blocker
Creator:  David Dortort
DVD distributor:  Paramount Home Entertainment

     Bonanza was trending on Twitter for a second yesterday.  For a minute, I actually thought that it had something to do with the release of Season Three on DVD by Paramount Home Entertainment today. Well, for a second I thought that.  Then I realized that this was unlikely, and I figured out that Bonanza is now some online shopping site like eBay. Colour ME disappointed.

     The Bonanza I know is a TV show from the 50s 60s and 70s. That’s because I’m seventy-eight years old. And so it was with great familiar pleasure I sat down to watch the stories of Hoss and Little Joe and Ben and Adam Cartwright as they work on the Ponderosa and get into adventures. In this case Hoss kills a drunk and has to deal with his creepy brother, then the whole gang gets stuck in the middle of a shootout between a corrupt military officer and a band of Indians led by the famous Cochise.

     In short, it’s Bonanza. It’s season three of the Cartwrights and the Ponderosa and gunfights and somber moralizing. You either like it or you don’t, and I like it. I certainly like it more than I like shopping online.

Year:  1999
Genre:  TV series, Drama, Soap Opera
Country:  United States
Language:  English
Starring:  Heather Locklear, Lisa Rinna, Kelly Rutherford, Alyssa Milano, Jamie Luner, Rena Sofer, a bunch of other hot women and some men.  I think.
Creator:  Darren Star
DVD distributor:  Paramount Home Entertainment

     Gosh, I have no idea how to do this without spoliers…I’m trying to review the final season of Melrose Place, both volumes of which come out July 24^th from Paramount Home Entertainment. But at the same time, I know that a lot of people still haven’t seen The Dark Knight.  If I give away the series finale of Melrose Place, those who haven’t seen it will be angry. And if I give away the ending of The Dark Knight, there will be hundreds of thousands of angry people around here.

     The thing is, they end the same.  Only with Heather Locklear in the place of Batman and that Peter guy in place of Catwoman and the other guy in place of Alfred and the crazy Eve chick in the role of Bane.  So how do I describe the ending of the one without ruining the other? I just can’t do it now.

     Okay. Here’s how it’ll have to be. If you want to see The Dark Knight Rises without spoilers, do NOT rush out to buy the final season of Melrose Place. And if you want to see the final episode of Melrose Place from a fresh perspective, then wait to see The Dark Knight Rises.  Cool? Okay, that should be good with everyone. Or, forget you read this review at all.

Year:  1990
Genre:  TV series, Drama
Country:  United States
Languages:  English
Starring:  Tom Bosley, Tracy Nelson, Mary Wickes 
DVD distributor:  Paramount Home Entertainment

     The Father Dowling Mysteries was a TV show starring Tom Bosley as a priest who never, ever calls the police, even when it is eminently logical that he do so.  Season two of the Father Dowling Mysteries comes to DVD July 10th from Paramount Home Entertainment, and it opens with an episode where a hitman poses as a visiting priest in order to assassinate a man in witness protection.

     Of course, Father Dowling and his trusty sidekick Steve the nun are immediately suspicious of this new priest when his stories don’t add up. Then a parishioner who recognized the man is murdered right there in the church. Now, I would call the police if I suspected the new priest was an imposter who was killing folks. But then, I am not Father Dowling.  So he and Steve go out to investigate. When they manage to tie the hitman to a well known local gangster, do they call the police then? Of course they don’t. They go to visit the gangster. He won’t do anything to THEM, they’re wearing God clothes. Except that of course he DOES decide to kill Father Dowling. And of course Steve saves him. Now, they know who is going to be assassinated, when, where and how. NOW they call the police. Thank God – no pun intended. Father Dowling asks to speak to the only cop he knows. The police tell him that cop isn’t in. So he HANGS UP! Ah, crap. The only cop in all of Chicago is busy, we’re gonna have to stop this hitman ourselves!

     The rest of Season Two is very similar. Father Dowling goes around solving crimes, when in reality he should be dead by the end of every episode. Eventually, I assume, he will get his. After all, Father Dowling is no longer on the air, and it would make great sense for them to have killed him off in the finale. He certainly deserves it.

Years:  1974, 1975
Genre:  TV series, Drama
Country:  United States
Languages:  English
Starring:  Karl Malden, Michael Douglas
DVD distributor:  Paramount Home Entertainment

     Streets of San Francisco was one of those shows that was cool more for who was in it than for what was in it. Because WHAT was in it kind of sucked. It was just a cop show set in San Francisco where bad guys did stuff and good guys caught them. None of the content was great, and the production values were so low that Streets of San Francisco couldn’t even showcase the one thing that could have set it apart from other shows. That being, the streets of San Francisco. Some of the greatest car chases in movies and TV have happened on those streets. None of them were on the show actually named after the streets.

     The reason Streets of San Francisco is worth watching is for the cast.  The magnificent Karl Malden, winding down his career by slumming it on this show, and the extremely young Michael Douglas as his partner, launching what would turn out to be a fantastic career by using this show as a stepping stone. And it’s a stepping stone you can now get on DVD, when Paramount Home Entertainment releases Season Three Volume One and Season Three Volume Two on July 3^rd.

Years:  1973, 1974
Genre:  TV series, Drama
Country:  United States
Languages:  English
Starring:  Mike Connors, Gail Fisher, Robert Reed
Theme music composer:  Lalo Schifrin
Run time:  21 hours 18 minutes
DVD distributor:  Paramount Home Entertainment
DVD extras:  Not much of anything
Related reviews:  Mannix Season Two, Mannix Season One, Mannix Season Three, Mannix Season Four, Mannix Season Five

     When I sat down to watch Season Seven of Mannix, on DVD July 3^rd from Paramount Home Entertainment, I went through a rollercoaster of emotion! The first episode is about a clairvoyant who predicts a murder attempt on a lady in a polka dot dress and hires Mannix to try to stop it. And I thought oh, no! A sure sign of decline in a TV program is to do one of those clairvoyant episodes where they leave it up in the air at the end as to whether or not it’s real and blah blah blah…so I was depressed.

     Then it turned out that it was all just a big setup, and the fake psychic was just setting Mannix up. Mannix was the target of the murder attempt, not the girl! And I was like, whew! That’s MUCH better, thank heavens Mannix isn’t jumping the shark already, here in the seventh season by trying some obnoxious ESP twist. And THEN I thought, wait a minute – so this whole episode is about someone trying to kill Mannix? EVERY episode is about someone trying to kill Mannix! In the end, this episode is exactly the same as every other Mannix episode. And then I was like…meh

Years:  1985, 1986
Country:  United States
Genre:  TV series, Soap opera, Drama
Language:  English
Starring:  Joan Collins, John Forsythe, Linda Evans, John James, Diahann Carroll, Billy Dee Williams, Heather Locklear, Jack Coleman, Pamela Bellwood, Gordon Thomson, Michael Nader, Catherine Oxenberg 
Guest starring:  Pamela Sue Martin, Kevin McCarthy, Billy Campbell, John Saxon, Richard Hatch, Rock Hudson, Matthew Lawrence, Emma Samms, Kerry Armstrong, Maxwell Caulfield
Creators:  Richard Shapiro, Esther Shapiro
Producer:  Aaron Spelling
DVD distributor:  Paramount Home Entertainment

     I received volumes one and two of the sixth season of Dynasty last week. Both are coming out July 3^rd from Paramount Home Entertainment, and although I’m still irritated at the idea of splitting up TV seasons into volumes for their DVD releases, at least both volumes of the season are coming out at the same time.

     Not that I was super-thrilled at the idea of sitting down to watch the entire sixth season of Dynasty over the weekend.  Yeah, Heather Locklear’s all hot and vindictive, but lookalike imposters and underhanded plots and Joan Collins being awful don’t really make for a pleasurable marathon viewing experience.  Dynasty is okay in small doses. 

     But then I put in the first disc, and hold on!  That’s right! There was that huge massacre at the end of season five, where it looked like every single character in the show had been killed by MOLDAVIANS! There WAS a reason to watch all of a sudden! Who was dead? Who was still alive? How many major cast members would be gone? Oh. It turns out…none. Yeah, there was the gay guy’s boyfriend and Ali McGraw, both of whom were minor characters at best.

     Then I started thinking, while watching the rest of season six.  Suppose a regular person had lived through this terrorist attack and massacre. They thought their family was dead, they saw passers-by gunned down around them. Wouldn’t that bring a regular family closer together? Wouldn’t you put aside your petty differences? I think I would. I don’t think I would seize that moment to defraud my family of a fortune. I would wait at least six months. Then again, this was Dynasty, and the show must go on!

Year:  2011
Genre:  Comedy, TV series
Country:  United States
Language:  English
Starring:  Daniel Tosh
DVD distributor:  Paramount Home Entertainment

     On June 12^th, Paramount Home Entertainment releases a DVD set of episodes of Tosh.O called Hoodies.  I’m not sure if this is just a collection of random episodes, or if it’s the first season of the show, or what, exactly, Hoodies means.  I do know that I like it.

     It seems like a pretty easy concept and a great way to make a TV show without a whole lot of effort.  Take whatever’s trending on youtube, play the videos, and make jokes about the dummies who hurt themselves or the dog that caused an explosion or the fat lady singing Skynyrd tunes.  Like a dirtier, meaner America’s Funniest Videos.  The great thing about Tosh.O, though, is that it’s exactly that. A really mean, VERY funny comedy show centered around internet memes. 

     I think the absolute best, most inspired segment on the show is the Web Redemption segment.  Daniel Tosh finds someone who has embarrassed themselves in a youtube video, and gives them a chance at redemption. The drunk guy who slammed into the garbage cans trying a slam dunk. The girl who fell off her table singing. The man who got himself stuck inside a balloon.

     These people get interviewed, they get put on TV, and they get another chance to do the thing at which they failed so badly the first time. It’s a fantastic segment and funny as hell. Well, except for the one featuring Chris Crocker, the “Leave Britney Alone” guy. That wasn’t funny so much as horrific. I advise you to skip that decidedly uncomfortable and creepy bit. The rest of Hoodies, though, I highly recommend.