Year:  2011
Genre:  Kids, Cartoon, Comedy, Kung-fu
Country:  United States
Language:  English
Starring (Voices):  Jack Black, Lucy Liu, Jackie Chan, Seth Rogen, Angelina Jolie, Dustin Hoffman, Gary Oldman, David Cross, Michelle Yeoh, James Hong, Danny McBride, Dennis Haysbert, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Victor Garber
Director:  Jennifer Yuh
DVD distributor:  Paramount Home Entertainment

     The first Kung-Fu Panda worked because it was as much a kung-fu movie as it was a kids’ comedy.  The voice casting was superb, and the kung-fu staples weren’t (badly) dumbed-down.  It was as good a kung-fu movie as I’ve seen in a decade, and a gerat kids’ film as a result.

     The second Kung-Fu Panda, out on DVD and Blu-Ray December 13th from Paramount Home Entertainment, is even more a kung-fu movie than the first one.  There are some wonderfully animated kung-fu scenes, including a great chase through a Chinese city on rickshaws, which I think is the highlight of the movie. 

     There is much deference to kung-fu movies of the past.  And it’s not just the involvement of Michelle Yeoh and James Hong.  The central concept is that an evil peacock has invented the Ultimate Weapon, one that cannot be beaten no matter how good one’s kung-fu is.  This is a classic plot line to countless films, like Flying Guillotine.  And…Flying Guillotine 2.  And many others that don’t spring to mind right away.

     The weapon this peacock has devised is a cannon.  The advent of firearms was a plot device used in many classic films, as it signified the end to a way of life.  It was used in samurai movies as well as kung-fu flicks, the most famous probably being The Seven Samurai.  Similar themes sprang up in westerns with the advent of machine guns.

     Then there are the masters.  So many kung-fu movies have multiple masters, each one usually the master of a different discipline.  In this case, there is Master Rhino (Victor Garber), Master Ox (Dennis Haysbert), and Master Croc (the wonderfully cast Jean-Claude Van Damme, who says distressingly little throughout the movie).

     It works magnificently as a kung-fu movie.  Now for the bad news – it isn’t even close to the first film as a kids’ cartoon comedy.  Sure, it’s still funny in places, and charming and cute in others.  But Kung Fu Panda 2 lacks the charm of its predecessor, and it’s childlike sense of wonder.  Now that Po IS a member of the kung-fu elite, he no longer idolizes the Furious Five the way he did in the first film, so much of the magic that created is gone.

     I still like Kung Fu Panda 2 a lot.  I will definitely be watching it again, probably many times, with the kids (and by myself).  Just because it doesn’t live up to the magical humour and throwback genius of the first one doesn’t mean that this movie isn’t also very good.  Kung Fu Panda 2 is very good.

Year:  1984
Genre:  Action, Kung-fu
Country:  Hong Kong
Language:  Mandarin w/ English subtitles, English dubbing
Starring:  Gordon Liu, Chang Chan-Peng, Chia Yung, Ching Chu, Alexander Fu-Sheng, Lily Li, Kara Hui, Ching-Ching Yeung, Lung Wei Wang
Directors:  Lau Kar-Leung, Liu Chia-Leung
Run time:  97 minutes
DVD distributor:  Alliance Films

     There’s a really interesting story behind 8 Diagram Pole Fighter, out October 26th from Alliance Films in their ongoing Shaw Brothers re-release series.  The off-camera story explains a lot of the movie, and I needed to do some research to find out why the movie was structured so strangely.  This movie supposedly has a kernel of truth to it, in that it is based on the historic massacre of the Yang family by the double-crossing Mongol general Pan Mai.

     Only two male members of the Yang clan survive the ambush, both of whom are referred to only by their numbers.  Fifth Brother (Gordon Liu of the Kill Bill movies) and Sixth Brother (Alexander Fu-Sheng) return from the massacre demented, out of their minds crazy.  Fifth Brother comes home, attacks his family in his delerium, then takes off.  Then Sixth Brother returns as well, attacking his family in his delerium, but he stays.  Then two simultaneous stories are told.

     Sixth Brother remains at home, insane, while his sisters and mother try to come to grips with the tragedy.  Fifth Brother goes off wandering, eventually bursting into a monastery and demanding to become a monk.  The monks will not accept him, because the hatred and violence in his heart are clearly at odds with their Buddhist pacifism.  But he stays anyway, shaving his own head and forcing his way into the monks’ training sessions, even though he is unwelcome.

     This should really be the story of Fifth Brother, his transformation and his quest for revenge.  But here’s where the outside story comes in.  Alexander Fu-Sheng, who played Sixth Brother, actually died during the production of the movie.  So the focus had to be shifted from Sixth Brother to Fifth Brother, and Gordon Liu did all the things Fu-Sheng was supposed to do.  The movie is pretty seamless, given that huge development in the middle, and although it creates a continuity issue or two, that’s nothing new in a mid-80s kung-fu flick.

     The best thing about these films is usually the cheesiness.  And that is abundant here, also.  I get the pole fighter bit.  (Other names for this movie include Invincible Pole Fighter, Magnificent Pole Fighters, Cudgel Fighter and of course many more.)  But the 8 diagrams?  No mention of anything in the movie that has to do with eight diagrams and pole fighting.  The English dubbing and the English subtitles don’t match up in any way, so if you watch with both on at the same time, it’s like you’re watching two entirely different movies.  Which, in a sense, you are.

     But despite all the glorious cheese, it’s the fights themselves that set 8 Diagram Pole Fighter apart from many other Shaw Brothers classics from the same era.  Liu and Fu-Sheng are over-the-top and silly when they’re acting crazy, but Liu more than makes up for it with his pole fighting skills and his vengeful demeanor.  The fight I included in the video at the beginning of this review is a great one, but the one that opens the movie, where the Yang family is massacred, is even better.  This one is a real classic.

Year:  1978
Genre:  Action, Kung-fu
Country:  Hong Kong
Language:  Mandarin w/ English subtitles, English dubbing
Starring:  Kuo Chue, Chiang Sheng, Sun Chien, Lo Meng, Lu Feng, Chen Kuan-Tai, Johnny Wang, Philip Kwok Tsui, Jamie Luk, Pan Ping-Chang, Dick Wei
Director:  Chang Cheh
Run time:  109 minutes
DVD distributor:  Alliance Films

     You gotta love old-school kung fu.  Well, that’s not entirely true.  You don’t have to love it.  But you oughtta.  And I absolutely adore these movies.  The totally questionable morality, the bonkers plot ideas, the crazy fight scenes that are half cheesy and awkward, and half violent and amazing.  Return Of The Five Deadly Venoms is a terrific example of all that makes old-school kung-fu kick ass.  See, there are these four guys, all crippled by the same evil kung-fu master.  One has been blinded, one has been deafened, another has had his legs chopped off, and the fourth has been turned into a giggling idiot with no brain.  And maybe, with their forces combined, they can defeat the kung-fu superman!

     Things get off to a fantastic start.  In order to exact revenge for some unknown slight, three bad guys show up to do bad deeds.  Discovering that their intended target is not home, they decide to do serious harm to his family.  The exchange of dialogue goes something like this:

  “Cut off the wife’s legs and the son’s arms”

  “Okay.”

     And so it begins.  Now the wife has died from her injuries, missing legs and all, but the son survives and his missing arms are replaced with iron fists, making him even more powerful at kung-fu.  The experience has embittered both he and his father, the kung-fu master, become douchebags, tyrants in a small town.  Everyone is afraid of them, except for these four guys.  So they blind and deafen and amputate and lobotomize them.  Because they have become douchebags.

     Now, I know what you’re thinking.  Wait – if there’s only four of them, why the FIVE deadly venoms?  Where do they get the FIVE?  There are three main bad guys – the kung-fu master Chu Twin, his son Chu Cho Chang, and his right-hand man who wields a club on a chain like that young schoolgirl in Kill Bill.  So including them, that makes seven.  There is a sort of good-hearted bad guy who shows up near the end to fight the four heroes, but in any permutation that would still give us either four or eight.  The “Return” portion of Return of the Five Deadly Venoms makes little sense either, as this film has absolutely nothing to do (plot-wise) with the original Five Deadly Venoms.

     No, the only connection between the two is The Venom Mob, a group of actors from the Shaw Brothers studios in Hong Kong in the 70s and 80s who often performed together.  So the two movies have pretty much the same cast.  Which is fine, but why not give this movie another title entirely?  Well, they kind of did – one name for this movie is Crippled Avengers, a more apt title since it makes no obvious connection with a movie with which it has…no obvious connection. 

     That being said, I’ll make a comparison anyway.  Five Deadly Venoms is a superior film.  It’s funnier in a cheesy way.  It’s cheesier in a funny way.  The kung-fu itself is more interesting and exciting and better.  And there is a more cohesive plot (if such a thing is even possible in one of these films).  And since it’s a sequel in name only, and has nothing to do with the first film, there is no need to get both movies to be a completist.  However, there are merits to Return of the Five Deadly Venoms, mostly that the cast is cheesily terrific and the kung-fu is more hit than miss.  There are a couple of scenes involving iron rings that are as intricately choreographed as anything in early Jackie Chan movies.

     So it’s worth it.  It may be the weakest, so far, of the Dragon Dynasty Shaw Brothers re-releases on DVD from Alliance Films, but all of them have so far been worth while in some way.  The whole crippled-kung-fu-fighters bit was entirely overdone in the 70s and 80s, but FOUR of them, in one movie?  Awesome…

     With Inglourious Basterds coming out next week, Alliance Films is hoping that Quentin Tarantino will be top of mind with you, the folks who buy DVDs.  And so they have put Tarantino’s six big movies together in a package so you can re-familiarize yourself with the genius of this unique director before watching his latest masterpiece.  And that’s a good thing.  A brief recap, for those of you who have forgotten what Tarantino has done over the course of his remarkable career:

     Reservoir Dogs (**********10/10):

  “How many dicks is that?”
  “A lot.”

Year:  1992
Genre:  Crime, Gangster
Country:  United States
Languages:  English
Starring:  Harvey Keitel, Tim Roth, Quentin Tarantino, Chris Penn, Michael Madsen, Steve Buscemi, Lawrence Tierney, Randy Brooks, Kirk Baltz, Edward Bunker
Cameos:  Steven Wright, Linda Kaye
Director:  Quentin Tarantino
Run time:  100 minutes

     I don’t think I can say anything about Reservoir Dogs that hasn’t already been said.  It is a phenomenal movie, an all-time classic, that slow-motion shot of the guys coming out of the restaurant at the beginning is a high-water mark in cinema, the dialogue turned movies on their ear, and every single actor involved with the production was better than top-notch.  The violence (although not as graphic and shocking as we thought it was in 1992) was stylish and had a substantial impact without being too cartoonish, and the finale was incredible.  The narrative style (jumping around in time) was a revelation, and the pop culture references were amazing. 

     Reservoir Dogs borrowed heavily from City on Fire, a classic Chow Yun-Fat Hong Kong movie.  I think at this point Tarantino fanatics are well aware of this fact.  The reason to revisit the film, however, is the little things that (perhaps knowingly, or unknowingly) reference Tarantino’s later work.  The discussion Roth and Buscemi and Penn have in a car about Pam Grier and who starred in Get Christie Love! is neat when you realize Pam Grier later starred in Jackie Brown.  Tim Roth and Steve Buscemi later appeared in Pulp Fiction, Madsen later appeared in the Kill Bill movies, and Harvey Keitel has been all over Tarantino’s later work, if only in strange and unbilled cameos like the one in Basterds.

     The addition of Steven Wright as the radio DJ doing K-Billy’s Super Sounds of the Seventies is a magnificent touch – he is an integral part of that “Stuck In The Middle With You” scene that became the most famous in the film.  One other little thing of note (at least, I think it’s kinda cool) - Linda Kaye appears in Reservoir Dogs as “shocked woman”, and then in Pulp Fiction as “shot woman”.  Linda Kaye starred in the 1960s TV comedy series Petticoat Junction, but is probably best known today as the woman who gets shot in the hip by Ving Rhames as he aims at Bruce Willis thirty years later.  All of this is cool.  To me, at least.  But the real reason to watch Reservoir Dogs again is that it kicks ass and it’s amazing.

     Pulp Fiction (**********10/10):

  “Describe what Marcellus Wallace looks like!”

Year:  1994
Genre:  Crime, Gangster
Country:  United States
Language:  English
Starring:  Samuel L. Jackson, John Travolta, Bruce Willis, Uma Thurman, Harvey Keitel, Christopher Walken, Ving Rhames, Phil LaMarr, Peter Green, Paul Calderon, Steve Buscemi, Linda Kaye, Maria de Medeiros, Kathy Griffin, Julia Sweeney, Amanda Plummer, Angela Jones, Tim Roth, Alexis Arquette, Rosanna Arquette, Frank Whaley, Eric Stoltz, Quentin Tarantino
Director:  Quentin Tarantino
Run time:  160 minutes
DVD distributor:  Alliance Films

     It took me a while to choose a quote from Pulp Fiction to kick off this review.  Because just about every single line in this movie is entirely quotable and entirely memorable.  It’s tough to think about that.  How good is the dialogue in the movie when every single line is that good?  That, more than anything else, is what makes this movie utterly brilliant.  What do you choose?  “I’m a get medieval on yo’ ass”, “Royale with cheese”, “maybe your method of massage differs from mine”, “pretty please.  With sugar on top.  Clean the f** car.”  Or how about “any of you f** pricks move, and I’ll execute every m**f** last one of ya!”  Frankly, most of the quotes from Pulp Fiction that have become part of our pop culture ever since 1994 have too much swearing in them to be mentioned here.

     But it’s not just the dialogue that makes Pulp Fiction great.  Look above this review, and check out the list of stars.  Pretty impressive list, right?  Some big names in there.  But it’s not impressive just because Quentin Tarantino was able to get that many amazing actors to appear in his film.  No, Pulp Fiction is amazing because it created, or in many cases resurrected the careers of so many of those actors.  Uma Thurman is famous because of Pulp Fiction.  Same with Samuel L. Jackson and Ving Rhames.  The movie brought John Travolta back from career death, and introduced Christopher Walken to a whole new audience. 

     Harvey Keitel was already established at the time – he had done Mean Streets, Bad Lieutenant, and other classics.  But I would wager that more people know him as “The Wolf” than anything else.  I would also wager that Phil LaMarr, despite a long career on MAD TV, gets called “Marvin” more than anything else, and that Frank Whaley is pretty sick of people approaching him to say “check out the big brain on Brett!”  These are just guesses, of course.  But when I need to describe an actor to someone – if I’m talking about the new movie where Tim Roth stops aging or something – I can’t just say “Tim Roth”.  Not everyone knows who he is.  But if I say “Pumpkin from Pulp Fiction“, they know right away.

     Then there’s Bruce Willis.  The year before he did Pulp Fiction, he did a movie called Striking Distance, where a cop is a serial killer, there are several boat chases, and the love interest chick is Sarah Jessica Parker.  He had just come off The Last Boyscout, Die Hard 2 and Hudson Hawk.  He was a bona-fide movie star, but he was spinning his wheels somewhat in terms of creativity.  Pulp Fiction helped to change his image somewhat, and launched a second phase of his career.  After playing Butch Coolidge in 1994, he went on to star in 12 Monkeys, The Fifth Element, The Sixth Sense, and one of the most entertaining movies of his action career, Die Hard With A Vengeance with…Samuel L. Jackson.

     Pulp Fiction, though, was more than just a quotable movie and a career-maker for so many actors.  It was also a marvel of structure, of filming, and of art-film-meets-action movie-meets-comedy.  It is genuinely hilarious, it crackles with suspense and action, there are some suddenly and remarkably brutal scenes, and yet it is artistically incredible as well.  What makes Pulp Fiction so terrific artistically is that it is open to interpretation in so many ways.  There is a remarkable theory out there that suggests that what is in the never-seen case is actually Marcellus Wallace’s soul, and that the bandaid on his head and Jules Winfield’s acknowledgement of having witnessed a miracle are all part and parcel of returning the soul to its owner.  It’s an amazing theory, and who knows if it’s true.  I won’t go into great detail here, but google it.  It’s fascinating.

     More than anything though, Pulp Fiction was, and remains, the coolest movie ever made.  It’s one of the few movies that bears up under several viewings (in my case, about two hundred viewings).  And it’s also perhaps the second-most influential movie of all time.  Not necessarily second-most influential in terms of movies that followed it, although that is certainly possible too.  But second-most influential in the wider culture outside movies.  Nowhere near as many people have seen Pulp Fiction as have seen Star Wars, and perhaps that’s why it’s only #2.  Hopefully, however, even more people will see this absolute classic as it gets released yet again.  Pulp Fiction.  A must-have.

     Jackie Brown (********8/10):

  “Is she dead, yes or no?”
  “Pretty much.”

Year:  1997
Genre:  Crime, Gangster
Country:  United States
Languages:  English
Starring:  Pam Grier, Robert DeNiro, Samuel L. Jackson, Robert Forster, Michael Keaton, Chris Tucker, Sid Haig
Eye candy:  Bridget Fonda
Director:  Quentin Tarantino
Run time:  155 minutes
DVD distributor:  Alliance Films

     Jackie Brown was considered by many to be Tarantino’s worst movie when it came out.  And they were right.  Following on the heels of two of the greatest films of the 90s, it was a little disappointing.  And until Death Proof came out many years later, it was the low-water mark of Tarantino’s career.  But if a movie as good as Jackie Brown is your low-water mark, you have done something exceptional with your career, haven’t you?  Fewer memorable lines than Pulp Fiction, not as many cool action sequences as the Kill Bill movies that were to follow, and the characters were simply not as memorable.

     However, Jackie Brown was still as cool as movies got.  Pam Grier, brought back from career death.  Robert Forster, who had been long-forgotten thanks to movies like Maniac Cop 3, Robert DeNiro still at the peak of his career, Bridget Fonda, Michael Keaton and others made up an amazing cast, and is there a better scene in movies than the one where DeNiro shoots Bridget Fonda?  Maybe the one where DeNiro has sex with Bridget Fonda.  Jackie Brown isn’t Pulp Fiction or Reservoir Dogs or Kill Bill or Inglourious Basterds.  But it’s darn good anyway.

     Kill Bill Vol. 1 (*********9/10):

  “Leave your limbs behind.  They belong to me.”

Year:  2003
Genre:  Kung-Fu
Country:  United States
Languages:  English, Japanese
Starring:  Uma Thurman, Sonny Chiba, Gordon Liu
Director:  Quentin Tarantino
Eye candy:  Vivica Fox, Lucy Liu, Daryl Hannah, Chiaki Kuriyama, Julie Dreyfus
Run time:  107 minutes
DVD distributor:  Alliance Films

     One of the great movies of the past ten years, Quentin Tarantino’s Kill Bill was a revelation when it hit the big screen.  A tribute to kung-fu movies, to old western movies, to Japanese samurai epics, and just about everything else you can imagine, Kill Bill feels terrifically familiar while still bringing something entirely new to the movie world.  Buckets of blood, filthy fun dialogue, and incredibly creepy scenes played for laughs, you can tell right away who made this film.  But never has Tarantino made such an adrenaline-fueled badass action movie. 

     “We’ll have us a knife fight.”

     Uma Thurman plays “The Bride”, who has been shot in the head and left for dead by an elite team of international assassins.  Thurman was once a member of that team, and when she finally emerges from her coma, she goes off to seek her revenge.  And…that’s about it, as far as plot goes.  Now, it’s knife fights and sword fights and all kinds of blood.  The first victim of The Bride’s wrath is Vernita Green (Vivica Fox), who is now a suburban homemaker with an adorable little daughter.  The scene where the two women put their knives away as the child gets off the school bus is priceless.

     Then the Bride needs a sword.  This sword must be made by Hattori Hanzo, the world’s greatest sword maker.  Hanzo is played by Sonny Chiba, a legend in Japanese martial arts cinema with his series of bloody, violent, morally questionable Street Fighter movies.  And in order to make Kill Bill even more bloody and violent and morally questionable, Uma Thurman needs a sword fashioned by Sonny Chiba.  It makes sense.  The addition of Chiba to the cast is a nice touch, but I would have liked to see him throw down at least a little.  Gordon Liu, another martial arts movie legend, was cast in the movie too, but he at least got to kick a little ass. 

     Then it’s Lucy Liu, whose creepy, bloody and brutal back story is told in Japanese animation.  I guess because it would have been too brutal and violent to show, and the movie wanted to maintain the “R” rating and not cross the line to NC-17.  I think there are a few other scenes that have been edited differently for the same reason (some black-and-white sword fights, for example.  I don’t get the reasoning there – if there is a ton of blood, does it really offend people less if it’s in black and white?)  Liu has an army of bodyguards called the “Crazy 88″, led by the aforementioned Gordon Liu.  And Uma Thurman must cut them all down to get to her target.

     Of course, there is a Kill Bill 2, so we know she will slice her way through the entire team of bodyguards, and we know that it will be badass, and we know that she will end up murdering Lucy Liu in the final act of revenge in Vol. 1.  But nothing can prepare for the carnage and the mayhem, and the leaving behind of limbs.  When this movie ends, even though it’s almost two hours long, I always need to watch the second movie, right away.  Which is why this single-disc edition of both movies works so well.

     “That woman deserves her revenge.  And we deserve to die.”

     Kill Bill Vol. 2 (**********10/10):

  “Gross.”

Year:  2004
Genre:  Kung-Fu
Country:  United States
Languages:  English, Japanese
Starring:  Uma Thurman, David Carradine, Samuel L. Jackson, Michael Madsen, Gordon Liu
Eye candy:  Daryl Hannah, Helen Kim
Director:  Quentin Tarantino
Run time:  137 minutes
DVD distributor:  Alliance Films

     It’s an amazing feat, but Kill Bill Vol. 2 actually manages to be better than Vol. 1.  The scenes with Gordon Liu playing the badass old warrior Pai Mei, as Uma Thurman undergoes his “cruel tutelage” would not be out of place in a classic kung-fu movie from the 70s, except that it’s more stylish and more badass.  The swordfight between Uma Thurman and Daryl Hannah in a tiny trailer is one of the best-choreographed fight scenes I have ever seen.  There are several moments, in the desert, that are either direct tributes to classic western movies or inspired scenes of western myth.  And the characters in Vol. 2 are a step up from those in Vol. 1, in a big way.

     First, there is Budd (Michael Madsen), Bill’s brother and a broken-down, regret filled strip club bouncer who has given up the professional killer lifestyle in favour of anonymity and a booze-soaked existence in the desert.  When he (of all people) manages to get the drop on the Bride (now named Beatrix Kiddo), and buries her alive, it’s one of the most frightening and claustrophobic scenes in all of Tarantino’s oeuvre.  Daryl Hannah, playing the evil (”evil” being a relative term in these movies, but she is the worst of the worst) bad girl, is both smoking hot and frighteningly creepy as she stalks the Bride.  The scene where she leaves Budd’s trailer and gets Thurman’s two feet in her chest is one of the few real “oh yeah!” moments in these films.

     It’s almost sad that Elle Driver (Hannah) kills Budd, leaving the Bride’s quest for revenge slightly less satisfying.  But the scene between the two women is so immensely satisfying that it eclipses any disappointment I felt at not seeing everyone brutally murdered by Uma Thurman.

     And then there’s Bill.  Given the recent and sad passing of David Carradine, this is the most recognizeable and important role he ever played in a movie.  And it’s the best acting performance of his life.  And he is one of the most badass characters in any Tarantino movie.  And he’s still rather cheesy.  In fact, Carradine’s Bill in Kill Bill Vol. 2 is almost a Steven Seagal character.  The silly philosophizing, the almost-phony mysticism, the soft-spoken yet badass sense of his own wisdom.  And of course the kung-fu.  He is what Seagal could be in the hands of Tarantino.  And here’s me hoping those two hook up for a movie some day.  A guy can dream.

     Of course, Tarantino made the two movies as one movie.  Kill Bill was supposed to be one, super-long, crazy badass movie.  But not a lot of people would have sat through four hours in a theatre, so it was split into two films that people might actually go to watch.  I, though, am one of those people who would have sat through four hours of this in the theatre.  And I have, often, sat through all four hours of this in my house.  And now, I can do so without getting up.  There are no special features.  But who needs them?  After two Kill Bill films, I am too exhausted and satisfied to care.

     Death Proof (*******7/10):

  “Ladies, we’re gonna have some fun.”

Year:  2007
Genre:  Horror
Country:  United States
Languages:  English
Starring:  Kurt Russell, Quentin Tarantino, Eli Roth, Michael Parks
Eye candy:  Rosario Dawson, Zoe Bell, Rose McGowan, Vanessa Ferlito, Jordan Ladd, Sydney Tamiia Poitier, Tracie Thomas, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Helen Kim
Director:  Quentin Tarantino
Run time:  114 minutes
DVD distributor:  Alliance Films

     True to Quentin Tarantino form, he packs Death Proof with as many references to other movies as possible. The whole film is a campy and terrific throwback to the days of drive-in cinema, and most of it is wonderful. Kurt Russell, perhaps banking on Tarantino to resurrect his career just as he did for John Travolta and David Carradine, plays a stunt driver who gets his kicks by murdering hot young women with his car. He also does a really great John Wayne impression.

     Throughout the movie, Tarantino makes reference to Zatoichi, the blind swordsman, The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance, Convoy, Junior Bonner, and a few of his own films, as well as a ton of old car movies like Smokey and the Bandit, the original Gone in 60 Seconds, and in a big way, the 70s classic Vanishing Point. The dialogue is as great as you would expect in a Tarantino movie, and does a wonderful job conveying the spirit of 70s B-movies. The only problem I have with the film is the first hour seems pretty unnecessary once the second half begins. It’d be better if the film started almost an hour in.

     Death Proof is not Tarantino’s best work, but it is a fantastic movie for anyone who is interested in cars, cheesy 70s film, or B-movie classics.  And having it with the Collection is better than having it without.  Tarantino: The Ultimate Collection comes out December 8th from Alliance Films.

“Ah!  The toad style!”

Year:  1978
Country:  Hong Kong
Language:  Mandarin w/ English subtitles, English dubbing
Starring:  Kuo Chue, Chiang Sheng, Sun Chien, Chiang Sheng, Lo Meng, Lu Feng
Director:  Chang Cheh
Run time:  101 minutes
DVD distributor:  Alliance Films

     It’s a tough call when it comes to deciding whether to watch The 5 Deadly Venoms, out August 25th from Alliance Films, in Mandarin with English subtitles or with the English dubbing.  There is a third audio track, also in English, which is a commentary track by Hong Kong cinema expert Bey Logan, and I recommend that one also.  But mostly, I recommend watching this movie dubbed.  Yes, it is better with subtitles.  But this movie is not about being good.  It’s about being awesome.  And the dubbing is cheesy and in some cases nonsensical and that just adds to the bonkers tone of the whole film. 

     I actually watched the movie with the dubbing on and the subtitles, just to see how well they matched up.  It turns out they barely match at all, and in some cases the English dubbing and the English words mean two completely different things, which means that depending on how you watch, The 5 Deadly Venoms is two different movies.  Maybe you should watch it twice.  I’d be curious to know whether the dubbing or the subtitles are closer to the actual words spoken in Mandarin, but that’s where the commentary track comes in handy.

     This is one of those kung-fu classics that will seem vaguely familiar to people who do certain things.  I understand that the film is referenced in that online game World of Warcraft.  And that there is a comic book based on the five styles of kung-fu presented here.  For me, I recognized some of the lines in the movie because they are used as drops in albums by the Wu-Tang Clan.  This movie has become the very definition of a hard-to-find cult classic, referenced throughout pop culture in a very subtle and hard-to-spot way.

     Well, it isn’t hard to find any more.  As part of the Shaw Brothers collection from Dragon Dynasty, distributed in Canada by Alliance Films, The 5 Deadly Venoms is (finally) available easily on DVD.  Much like earlier Shaw Brothers releases Heroes of the East and Come Drink With Me, this movie is a cheesy, silly, but absolutely awesome kung-fu movie that is still influential today.  I think it’s fantastic that these films are being released on DVD now, because until this time I had to make do with the grainy, cheaply-made, terribly dubbed $1.12 kung-fu DVDs from the Wu-Tang collection that were being sold in bulk at Wal-Mart.

     Anyway, on to the movie.  The old master of the “Poison Clan”, a notoriously evil clan of warriors, is about to die.  He entrusts his very last student with a mission – track down the other five students that have left the clan, and kill them.  If they are good men living good lives, then they may be spared.  But if they are evil, he must take them down.  The big problem is that no one from the Poison Clan can use their kung-fu style in the open, because it is forbidden.  And notorious.  Which means it will be very difficult to identify them.  Each one has their own particular style-specialty – the lizard, the snake, the centipede, the scorpion and the toad.

     The coolest character in the film is the toad, which is too bad because he’s the only one who doesn’t make it to the end of the movie.  We learn early on the identities of the snake, the centipede, the toad and the lizard.  The big question throughout the film is “who is the scorpion?”  When we do finally learn his identity, it doesn’t come as a huge surprise, but it’s still well done and there is a pretty badass revelation toward the finale of the film.  A finale which, by the way, comes with a totally awesome five-way fight scene as the lizard and the young student take on the snake, the centipede and the scorpion.

     In the meantime, there are murders, arrests, police corruption, judicial corruption, the silencing of informants and the despicable murders of innocent prisoners in their cells.  Some of it is a little shocking – like one scene where a young man has a steel barb on a pole jammed down his throat.  But for the most part it’s intrigue, and it’s a mystery, and it’s badass kung-fu guys doing badass things.  And what more do you want in a movie?

Asian cinema loves the Shakespeare. Akira Kurosawa based half his work on the works of the bard, most notably Ran (King Lear) and Throne Of Blood (Macbeth). And of course, Shakespeare borrowed heavily from others in terms of stories and structure, which means that his stories, and the Asian movies that accompany them, are hundreds of years old. He wrote a play called “Hamlet” that was based on the legend of Amleth, as told by the thirteenth century scholar Saxo Grammaticus. The latest movie from Alliance Films, The Legend of Black Scorpion, is a re-telling of Hamlet. Therefore, the story is about 800 years old, and it feels that way, as it should. Black Scorpion does not credit Grammaticus in the credits, but then, neither did Shakespeare.

The Legend of Black Scorpion features the incomparable Zhang Ziyi, one of the most beautiful women in all of Asian cinema. (You might remember her from such films as Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, House of Flying Daggers and Hero.) One complaint I have with this film is that she doesn’t fight. I love watching her fight. The Emperor of China has been murdered by his own brother. That brother has usurped the throne, and taken the former Emperor’s wife as his own. The old Emperor’s son has been banished, since he is the only one who could topple the current empire and lay a legitimate claim to the throne. But when that young man fights through traps and assassins to reach the kingdom, things get all weird. And Shakespearean.

You see, this young man was once in love with the Empress. He wanted her for himself, but his father married her instead, and now she lives with the uncle who murdered his dad. They seem to still be in love, but there is another woman at the palace that he runs around with while he is waiting for his chance to take the throne, and, by extension, his step-mother. And aunt. Hmmm. How very Shakespeare. This nephew is an actor more so than he is a fighter, and he puts on plays for the amusement of the court, plays that are pointed and directed at his murderous uncle. In true Shakespearean style, these plays are carried out with all the performers wearing masks. There is some great dialogue, especially a speech about wearing a mask and acting and swordfighting. Which is really what the movie is all about.

Well, that and jealousy, betrayal, and the inability to contain one’s inner nature. There are some really cool fight scenes. Not as cool as the ones in Hero, but above-average, even for Hong Kong martial arts cinema. We are not sure whether or not we like the Empress, at least until the end of the film, and even then it’s ambiguous. There are relationships between other characters that add a lot to the movie, especially the relationship between Yin (one of the Emperor’s advisors) and his son. It reminded me a lot of the relationship between Robert The Bruce and his father in Braveheart. The old man wanting to be diplomatic, the young man headstrong and uncompromising. And yet, willing to defend his father to his last breath.

And there are a lot of last breaths in Legend of Black Scorpion. After all, it’s Hamlet. Anyone who has any knowledge of Hamlet or of Shakespearean tragedy can probably guess how this film is going to end, so it really won’t come as a surprise. But I would caution against skipping out too soon, before the credits begin to roll. The final shot in this movie is magnificent, a beautiful shot that caps everything so well it would be worth watching even if the movie was bad. But it isn’t. The Legend of Black Scorpion will not end up being a Hong Kong classic, but with good swordfights, solid acting, great dialogue and the incredible ability that Chinese directors seem to have of using colours effectively, it is well worth renting.

When I saw the DVD cover of Yo-Yo: Girl Cop, I thought it was going to be one of those really bad martial arts movies where they were trying to capitalize on hip-hop culture. You know, yo-yo and all of that. When I read the back of the box and saw the words “lesbian suicide bombers”, I had to rent this. At worst, it would be a hilariously awful movie that was good for a laugh. At best, it might be a terrific send-up of several genres. Unfortunately, it turned out to be just plain bad. It starts out as a sort of sped-up version of La Femme Nikita, when a teenage girl is arrested, and has a choice. Go undercover to break up a ring of high-school suicide bombers, or we’ll deport you and kill your mom. Or something. And the yo-yo has nothing to do with fake urban hipness, it actually has to do with a yo-yo. This, you see, is the girl cop’s weapon of choice. A yo-yo. Which means the title of the movie really should have been Yo-yo Girl: Cop, and not Yo-yo: Girl Cop. Yet another movie title lost in translation.

There are subtitles on the DVD, but the only audio option is English. Which means you have to watch it with the bad dubbing and all. However, the bad dubbing adds yet another level of idiocy to this already idiotic pile of nonsense. Which is kind of funny. You see, this girl, who seems to have no name, is a teenager. And only a teenager can understand another teenager in today’s Japan. So only a teenager can crack the ring of internet-related teen lesbian suicide bombings. So she is given the name “Asaki” and sent to a high school to infiltrate this organization. She quickly runs afoul of the Most Popular Girl In School. Japanese high schools are apparently the same as those in American movies. The cool kids, the hot girsl, the bullies, the cliques. Quickly, our young high school hottie discovers that the suicide bombers are somehow connected to the chemistry club. High school anarchist lesbian suicide bombers! And we haven’t even got to the lesbian part yet…in fact, the movie never really does get to that part. It gets mentioned, almost in passing, that lesbianism was the catalyst for the website which then became the catalyst for the suicide bombings. The evil guy who runs the website and convinces teens to blow themselves up keeps showing up around Asaki and doing weird things. Like cramming an iPod in her ear. And making light come out of his fingers – is he magic? IT turns out he isn’t…which means that light-from-the-fingers thing made absolutely NO sense.

Asaki makes a best friend at the school, a girl who is an outsider, bullied by the Mean Girls. Then she discovers that the head Mean Girl is the agent sent before her to do the same thing. But she has turned and switched sides or something. Now she’s part of the…I don’t know. Asaki’s name switches from “Asaki” to “Maggie” depending on who’s talking to her. The acting is laughable at best, and incredibly awful at worst. I am trying to understand if I don’t understand this because the translation is awful, or whether it’s because the movie sucks. Or maybe it’s just all about the schoolgirl uniforms? Who knows. When the movie ended, I still don’t understand why everyone was a suicide bomber, I had no idea what was going on.

The ending, however, is priceless. For some reason, the two hot girls show up – no longer in schoolgirl outfits, but now in leather-and-studs S&M outfits, and have – a yo-yo fight! This is one of the most implausible, mental, crazy, irritating final scenes ever. The leather apparently is impervious to bullets. All of a sudden, the heroine is…in love with the cult leader? Why? Where did this come from? And the climactic battle royale is not even filmed well. There is absolutely nothing to recommend this movie. Not even the lesbian thing, which barely exists and doesn’t involve any kissing. Even with a highly-developed sense of irony, this movie still stretches the patience of even those who would like to laugh at something like this. Oh wait – here’s a reason to watch. If you are one of those people who have always been desperate to watch a movie that involves a climactic yo-yo fight.