Years:  2003, 2004
Genre:  TV series, Crime, Drama
Country:  United States
Language:  English, French
Starring:  Mark Harmon, Michael Weatherly, Sasha Alexander, Pauley Perrette, Sean Murray, David McCallum, Brian Dietzen
Creator:  Donald P. Bellisario, Don McGill
Run time:  16 hours, 49 minutes
DVD distributor:  Paramount Home Entertainment

     I must enjoy NCIS, or I wouldn’t have watched the entire first season.  And second season, and third season, and fourth season.  I’ve been on vacation, what are you gonna do?  I was putting on NCIS when I worked out, when I cooked in the kitchen, when I settled down with a beer at…let’s say…noon.  Like I said, vacation.  That’s really what the first season is good for.  In fact, it’s great for that – an interesting, shiny polished police procedural with a top-notch cast that makes for terrific background entertainment while I’m doing something else.

     The first season is being released on DVD by Paramount Home Entertainment on August 2nd.  The reason for the re-release is that French dubbing has been added to the soundtrack, so…there’s that.  Not a lot of difference between the French and English.  Except that the words don’t match their mouths, DiNozzo (Michael Weatherly) sounds like a creepy predator, and Gibbs (Mark Harmon) sounds like a nerdy pastry chef.  McGee (Sean Murray) sounds pretty much the same – like a nerd.  And Abby (Pauley Perrette) sounds exactly the same.  I wonder if Perrette happens to speak French.

     The first season is good, but they’re still feeling their way a little bit and the show hadn’t yet come into its own.  They spent a lot of time (and some decent dialogue) making it quite clear that NCIS was NOT the same as CSI or NYPD Blue or any number of other acronym-driven police procedurals.  The thing is…it isn’t.  I really like the cast – Weatherly as the horny ladies’ man, Harmon as the tough commander, Perrette as the flaky “goth” forensic specialist, and David McCallum as the older, wiser, far more long-winded medical examiner.  And really, when it comes to police procedurals, the only thing that sets them apart is the cast.  CSI, Law & Order, Criminal Minds and NCIS all have great actors and good characters – and they all run together.  But I can watch a box set of any of them while I’m cooking.

     First Run Features has come out with a four-disc box set of classic sexy French films, featuring some of the hottest, most seductive actresses ever to hit the big screen.  The films are as follows:

  La Vie Promise (********8/10) (The Promised Life)

Year:  2002
Genre:  Drama
Countries:  France
Language:  French w/ English subtitles
Starring:  Isabelle Huppert, Pascal Greggory, Maud Forget
Director:  Olivier Dahan
Run time:  89 minutes
DVD distributor:  First Run Features

     Isabelle Huppert is a magnificent actress.  One of my all-time favourites.  Sexy, dark, sultry but damaged, she has left an indelible impression on me in every movie of hers I’ve seen.  Now, this box set is called The French Art of Seduction, and precious little actual seduction is going on in La Vie Promise, but Huppert I guess is “seductive” just by showing up.

     She plays Sylvia, a tired, broken-down prostitute with a teenage daughter who gets into trouble with some bad people when her daughter Laurence (Maud Forget) kills a man defending her mom.  The two of them go on the run, heading out of the city and into the French countryside with no real destination or plan.  Laurence tries to reconnect with Sylvia after what has presumably been a very long separation.  Sylvia tries to push Laurence away because she wants to stay checked out of life and avoid her past.

     On the way they get separated, re-connect, encounter a man who is running away from his own past, and Sylvia eventually, tentatively, looks to go back into her history a little bit.  It’s tender, and sweet, and Huppert is wonderful.  I like the way the film doesn’t give the full back story, and the people Sylvia encounters from her past are so awkward in her presence that they never give the full story either.  It’s a solid film, though it IS the least seductive movie in the set.

  La Desenchantee (******6/10) (The Disenchanted)

Year:  1990
Genre:  Drama
Countries:  France
Language:  French w/ English subtitles
Starring:  Judith Godreche, Marcel Bozonnet, Ivan Desny
Director:  Benoit Jacquot
Run time:  78 minutes
DVD distributor:  First Run Features

     Beth is disenchanted.  That is because Beth (played by the almost-inadvertently sultry Judith Godreche) has a really crappy life.  Her boyfriend is a jerk.  In the very first scene in La Desenchantee, he suggests she test her love for him by having sex with the ugliest man she can find.  (She does give it a go, just to spite him, but can’t quite bring herself to sleep with the dweeb she takes home.)  Her mom appears to be sick, in some way – she never leaves the bed and is almost catatonic.

     There is no food in the house, and Beth must find a way to provide for herself and her younger brother with no income source of her own.  Her mom’s only source of income is a man they call “Sugardaddy” – a really blatant and unnecessarily creepy name for a very obviously creepy man – who seems to pay her for sex.  The mom never gets out of bed, so I assume she just stays there, Sugardaddy comes over and has sex with her, leaves a cheque, and she continues to lie there.  Maybe she isn’t sick and catatonic so much as she is lazy and awful.

     Of course, Sugardaddy is more interested in Beth than he is in Beth’s mother.  After all, one of them is barely functioning as a human being, the other is young and nubile.  Beth is 17 years old, certainly attractive, and her bitter hatred of Sugardaddy makes him want her that much more.  And of course, her mom wants her to prostitute herself to the disgusting old man because…well…she’s lazy?  And the worst mother ever?  And the movie calls for Beth’s life to get worse and worse in every frame?

     Beth eventually finds herself stuck between a rock and a hard place, with no other way to provide for herself and her brother.  A opssible escape is presented when another older man, this time a free-spirited knife enthusiast, treats her kindly and gives her a sense of freedom.  His involvement is almost as creepy as that of Sugardaddy, but at least he isn’t forcing himself on her.  As the movie boils down to its inevitably bleak conclusion, Beth must make a decision that will, one way or the other, harm her irreparably.

     Judith Godreche made a career out of playing the younger woman involved with older men.  In most of her movies she was in her teens, either seducing or seduced by someone thirty years her senior.  She is certainly seductive, simply by showing up, but there is very little about La Desenchantee that is actually sexy.  The premise is just too creepy to be sensual in any way, and the bleak nature of the plot allows for little titillation.  It’s good, but perhaps “art of seduction” is not an accurate way to describe it.

  La Petite Lili (******6/10) (Little Lili)

Year:  2003
Genre:  Drama
Countries:  France, Canada
Language:  French w/ English subtitles
Starring:  Ludivigne Sagnier, Bernard Giraudeau, Nicole Garcia, Julie Depardieu
Director:  Claude Miller
Run time:  104 minutes
DVD distributor:  First Run Features

     Easily the most appropriately “seductive” of the films in the Seduction box set, La Petite Lili opens with a very naked, very raw sex scene.  Which is nice, but very deceptive when it comes to the rest of the film which involves no nakedness or sex at all.  It’s the story of Julien, who is in love with Lili, and Jeanne-Marie who is in love with Julien, and Lili who is infatuated with Brice, who is the boyfriend of Mado, who is Julien’s mom.  Got all that?  Okay.

     The “seduction” in the movie comes, of course, courtesy of Lili, who is played by the out-of-this-world Ludivigne Sagnier (you might remember her from Swimming Pool…if you ever saw Swimming Pool).  Julien (Robinson Stevenin) is an aspiring film maker, and Lili is his muse.  Lili doesn’t take Julien very seriously at all, nor does she particularly care for the short films he shoots of her.  She is more interested in Brice (Bernard Giraudeau), who is a successful film maker with a good career.

     There are a few problems with the movie – as there often are with movies about film makers.  There are so many discussions about movie making, and about the search for beauty in life and about the process and so forth that I couldn’t help but search for the deficiencies in La Petite Lili itself.  It’s a lot of talk.  Julien is a cartoon of an aspiring film maker, all angst and fury and self-absorption.  Mado is a caricature of an aging actress trying to hang on to her more youthful persona.

     While most of the characters are paper-thin, and the story arc seems facile and obvious, it’s still a decent movie thanks to Sagnier.  I believe that Julien doesn’t even see the lovely Jeanne-Marie (Julie Depardieu) when Lili is around.  I believe Brice would toss Mado aside at the chance to run off with Lili, even knowing it would end badly.  And I believe the rest of these characters lives revolves around this one particular weekend and their encounters with Lili.  That, and of course Ludivigne Sagnier, is reason enough to watch.

  Seaside (*******7/10)

Year:  2002
Genre:  Drama
Countries:  France
Language:  French w/ English subtitles
Starring:  Bulle Ogier, Jonathan Zaccai, Helene Fillieres
Director:  Julie Lopes-Curval
Run time:  90 minutes
DVD distributor:  First Run Features

     Helene Fillieres is the seductress this time, in Julie Lopes-Curval’s Seaside.  This is a very small, unassuming movie that got under my skin quickly.  Fillieres is fantastic as Marie, the film’s central character and the tie that binds the many diverse people we meet over the course of the movie.  Marie works at a terrible, dead-end job in a pebble factory.  Yes, such things as pebble factories DO exist.  She has a nice enough, if awkwardly clueless boyfriend, Paul (Jonathan Zaccai), who works as a lifeguard at the beach.

     Paul has a sister who works at the casino, and a mother who gambles away all their life savings at that same casino.  We meet many other characters, most of whom are coming to the town as a vacation getaway, while Marie wants nothing more than to get OUT of this town and away from her boyfriend and pebble factory.  I get the sense that she believes she is too beautiful for either.  In a way, she is absolutely right.  Her boss, the general manager of the pebble factory and one of the richest men on the island, offers her an affair, and she sees it as a way out.

     Marie’s restlessness and infidelity are just one small portion of the overall tapestry of Seaside.  Every other character contributes to the lyrical, slow-paced and poetic feel of the film.  It’s a modest movie, but very satisfying.

Year:  2003, 2004
Genre:  TV series, Lawyer, Drama
Country:  United States
Languages:  English
Starring:  Simon Baker, Dabney Coleman, Raphael Sbarge, Alan Rosenberg, Wendy Moniz, Amanda Michalka
Guest star:  Zac Efron
Guest director:  Emilio Estevez
Creator:  David Hollander
Run time:  17 hours, 9 minutes
DVD distributor:  Paramount Home Entertainment

     I find myself liking The Guardian less and less.  I guess it no longer matters, because the show is over and the third season is the last one, on DVD February 8th from Paramount Home Entertainment.  I liked the first season, because Simon Baker’s character was interesting – a lawyer busted on drug charges, struggling with inner demons, working for a heartless corporate law firm but forced to do community service with Legal Services where maybe he can find redemption…

     That dichotomy was enough to make this show interesting, if not mesmerizing, for one full season.  But the following two seasons seem to have nowhere else to go.  Oh, there are subplots with foster daughters and stripper murders and Farrah Fawcett.  But none of it has been compelling enough to make me interested in seeing the next episode, let alone the next season.

     The third season opens with a couple of standard episodes – a kid has run away from a traveling carnival, and claims that the carnival director is abusing him.  His mom works at the carnival and can’t go against her boss.  The kid’s father doesn’t want him.  So do you let him stay with the carnival and his mom and his abuser, or do you force the kid into foster care against his will?  Oh, the moral dilemma!

     Then in the next one, a coal company hires the corporate company Nick works for, so he scams people out of their right to sue on behalf of the coal company.  But when he discovers the coal mining operation is making people sick, he enlists the help of the legal services office where he’s doing his community service to help the sick people.  Oh, the moral dilemma!

     The thing is, by now Simon Baker barely seems interested in ANY of these moral dilemmas.  He just sort of coasts around, looking vaguely pained, and says what the script tells him to say.  I’m no longer interested in this character, because this character doesn’t even seem to be interested in himself.  Even when he and his father assault a man following a road rage altercation, and the incident threatens to put Nick’s probation in jeopardy, he doesn’t seem to register much fear.  Or anger.  Or irritation.

     Two seasons ago, I thought Nick was subdued and understated because he was repressing his own tendencies and his own worst nature.  Now I think he’s just a shell of a human being who acts like he cares only because the script tells him that he does.  And if HE no longer cares, I no longer care.  I’m out.

Year:  2003, 2004
Genre:  Sci-Fi, TV series
Country:  United States
Language:  English
Starring:  Kevin Sorbo, Laura Bertram, Lisa Ryder, Keith Hamilton Cobb, Gordon Michael Woolvett, Lexa Doig, Steve Bacic
Eye candy:  Bertram, Ryder, Doig
Creator:  Gene Roddenberry
Run time:  15 hours, 46 minutes
DVD distributor:  Alliance Films

     I have discovered, after four seasons, the one thing that bugs me most about Andromeda.  Season Four comes to DVD October 19th from Alliance Films.  With other sci-fi shows, like Star Trek, not every episode was earth-shattering.  And by that I mean, not every episode actually involved the potential shattering of the Earth.  Star Trek had episodes that dealt with saving just one person, or maybe one small colony on one small planet.  Sure, some of the threats were bigger, but not every episode can involve the fate of the entire universe.

     However, on Andromeda, there seems to be a decided lack of imagination when it comes to finding ideas for episodes.  Every single one involves the fate of the Entire Commonwealth!  Sometimes the Entire Universe!  It’s usually one wingnut guy, who has managed to get his hands on some kind of super-weapon, who threatens to take down the Entire Commonwealth!  Sometimes it’s a shadowy conspiracy involving three or four guys and their super-weapon who threaten to take down the Entire Commonwealth!

     It seems to me that if the Commonwealth, the governing body of the entire universe, is so shaky that one lone maniac with a weapon can destroy it, it isn’t doing a very good job of governing.  And if the only person in the entire universe who can save the Commonwealth from one week to the next is Kevin Sorbo…I think they have really, really big problems.  Not that I have anything less than the utmost confidence in Kevin Sorbo, but shouldn’t there be a crisis team in place that takes all that weight of just the one guy?

     Hercules aside, though, the Andromeda team appears to have real troubles solving the Commonwealth-threatening crises.  They fight amongst themselves.  They whine a lot.  They question everything and everybody.  Even the totally hot twin babes who come aboard!  Why would anyone, ever, question totally hot twin babes?  Well, they came through it all OK, and saved the universe again.  I just kinda wish there would be one episode where instead of the universe, they saved a kitten from a tree.  Or something.

Year:  2003
Genre:  Horror
Country:  United States
Language:  English
Starring:  Kevin Dillon, Jodi Lyn O’Keefe, Vanessa Angel, Lance Henriksen
Eye candy:  Angel, O’Keefe, several naked boobs from no-name hot chicks
Director:  Richard Brandes
Run time:  95 minutes
DVD distributor:  Alliance Films

     To say someone is “out of their depth” in a movie like Vampires Out For Blood is like saying they’re “out of their depth” in a Slap Chop infomercial.  And yet…I find it hard to use another descriptive term for Kevin Dillon’s lackluster performance in this terrible movie.  He’s a cop, see, and he’s a drunk, and he’s stalking his ex-wife (Vanessa Angel).  So far so good.  I would think about stalking Vanessa Angel, and I’ve never even married her!

     Then he meets some vampires.  Jodi Lyn O’Keefe, specifically.  And she’s all sexy and stuff, and takes him to a crazy-naked orgy, and he’s all like “I’m confused and unsure of myself and realyl nervous”.  THAT is implausible.  I wouldn’t stalk Jodi Lyn O’Keefe, but I would certainly let her lead me into an orgy without many complaints.

     Then the film goes off the rails.  Dillon has been bitten by a vampire now.  So he’s turning into one.  And he goes to the only vampire expert he knows – his ex-wife!  See, she’s a celebrity author of vampire novels.  And she says “oh my God!  Vampires are…real?” and she freaks out at having just learned vampires are actually real.  I put that in italics because it’s important.  We’re coming back to that.

     About two minutes later, the bad guy vampires come looking for the good guys.  And now, Vanessa Angel is a fountain of vampire knowledge!  Here’s how you kill them.  Here is how they operate.  They are all servants of the master.  Crosses burn them…remember that phrase in italics from a moment ago?  She has only just learned they actually exist.  Where is she getting this knowledge?  Is it true because she wrote it in her book?

     Actually, I think Angel, despite her unrelenting hotness, is actually a little “out of her depth” (for lack of a better phrase) in this movie also.  Whereas other stars, like O’Keefe and Lance Henriksen are right in their wheelhouse.  You know, their awful, B-movie, life-after-stardom wheelhouse.  Vampires Out For Blood comes out October 5th from Alliance Films.

Year:  2002, 2003
Genre:  Sci-Fi, TV series
Country:  United States
Language:  English
Starring:  Kevin Sorbo, Laura Bertram, Lisa Ryder, Keith Hamilton Cobb, Gordon Michael Woolvett, Lexa Doig
Eye candy:  Bertram, Ryder, Doig
Crea0tor:  Gene Roddenberry
Run time:  15 hours, 46 minutes
DVD distributor:  Alliance Films

     Perhaps the most amazing thing about Season Three of Andromeda, on DVD September 14th from Alliance Films, is that the people involved in the show apparently never watched Seasons One and Two.  The Andromeda (these shows are always named after the ship…or vice versa) is now constantly being called the “most powerful ship in the universe”.  In the first two seasons, the ship was several hundred years old.

     This requires a huge leap in logic – even if I can suspend my disbelief to the point where I accept that the pace of new technologies and sciences in the distant future has slowed to a crawl, it’s still a stretch to think that over the course of several hundred years, no one has been able to improve upon what must be the cutting edge of science – space travel.  Am I to assume that all the scientists managed to cnoquer space and time, create time travel and space travel, and then just stopped?  Focussing their energy and brainpower on a more efficient lime juicer?

     Even if I could wrap my brain around that one, I would still find it hard to believe that a ship hanging around for a few hundred years has not suffered from substantial wear and tear.  Is planned obsolecence a thing of the past in the future?  In that case, we’re gonna make tremendous advancement as a civilization!

     But it isn’t just the inconsistent descriptions of the ship – there’s also Trance (Laura Bertram) who appears to be an entirely different character this season.  There’s the elite team of soldiers who shows up to help then disappears then reappears again as though they had been entirely forgotten for an episode or two.  And there’s always Kevin Sorbo, who doesn’t make sense at the best of times.  Skip it!

Year:  2002, 2003
Genre:  TV series, Lawyer, Drama
Country:  United States
Languages:  English
Starring:  Simon Baker, Dabney Coleman, Raphael Sbarge, Alan Rosenberg, Wendy Moniz, Amanda Michalka
Guest star:  Farrah Fawcett, Will Ferrell
Creator:  David Hollander
Run time:  17 hours, 9 minutes
DVD distributor:  Paramount Home Entertainment

     The Guardian was never very good.  It was a decent lawyer show where the central character was fighting his drug demons and everyone around him was getting into trouble all the time.  But it was never more than lip service when it came to the gritty details surrounding the slick lawyer drama at the centre of it all.  I really like Simon Baker, and I think he’s a great actor to have as the star of a show, but he belongs to The Mentalist far more than he ever did to The Guardian.  This show was just a way to pass the time.

     In the second season of The Guardian, out September 7th from Paramount Home Entertainment, the season opens with Nick (Baker) being arrested for killing a stripper.  Of course we know he didn’t really mean to kill her, and that it was an accident, and that he’ll get off and go back to practicing law right away, likely by episode two.  (As it turns out, it IS by episode two!)  I thought only politicians in comedies killed strippers.  I guess Nick Fallin does too.  By accident though.  The stripper’s mom (Farrah Fawcett) and daughter (Amanda Michalka) become characters throughout the season.  Now there’s an old-person romance going on, AND a little girl that needs to be protected and cared for!

     And the show goes on.  And on, and on, and so forth.  Eventually, it gets to the final episode.  And then – out of nowhere, one of the biggest guest stars I have ever seen on an episode of anything appears!  Normally guest stars are about as big as…well…Farrah Fawcett.  But Will Ferrell?  Will Ferrell!  As a rival lawyer on the final episode of Season Two of The Guardian!  Then again, you have to think this appearance was booked in 2003, when Ferrell wasn’t exactly a gigantic star like he is today.  He had just come off Zoolander, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back and Boat Trip.  He was in the middle of Old School and Elf, the two movies that really launched him to superstardom.  And this was just before Anchorman.

     Anyway, Will Ferrell or no Will Ferrell, this show remains generic, paying lip service to grittiness and the underbelly of society while remaining a formulaic lawyer show.  And Season Two is no better than Season One.

Vicky Cristina Barcelona (******6/10)

Year:  2008
Genre:  Drama, Comedy
Country:  United States
Language:  English
Starring:  Javier Bardem, Scarlett Johansson, Penelope Cruz, Rebecca Hall, Patricia Clarkson, Kevin Dunn, Chris Messina
Director:  Woody Allen
Run time:  96 minutes
DVD distributor:  Alliance Films

     There are a few reasons to watch Vicky Cristina Barcelona beyond the fact that Penelope Cruz is deservedly nominated for a Best Supporting Actress Oscar, or that she makes out with Scarlett Johanssen, or that Rebecca Hall adds even more hot to the picture.

     No, there are other reasons besides hot women and kinky three-ways and lesbian encounters. Although that seems to be all I can talk about at the moment. No, there is also the Woody Allen dialogue, which is smart and funny as Woody Allen tends to be – although not nearly as smart, funny and scathing as he once was. There is the wonderful setting of Barcelona, and there is also the terrific performance of Javier Bardem. Bardem has had trouble with roles like this, most notably in Love In The Time of Cholera.

     But once you have watched Vicky Cristina Barcelona, you will be sold on Bardem. In fact, if you’re anything like me, you will desperately want to BE him in this movie. All the more reason to watch it.  And I’m sure there’s another reason…nope.  It escapes me.

Lost In Translation (*********9/10)

Year:  2003
Genre:  Drama
Country:  United States
Language:  English
Starring:  Scarlett Johansson, Bill Murray, Anna Faris, Giovanni Ribisi, Fumihiro Hayashi
Director:  Sofia Coppola
Run time:  102 minutes
DVD distributor:  Alliance Films

     Lost In Translation is notable because it is Bill Murray’s best serious role, ever.  Oh, he’s still funny – very funny.  But not in the Bill Murray way I’m used to seeing.  The film is also notable because it signalled the arrival of Scarlett Johansson as a major force in movies.  She had been great before (Ghost World, notably) but after this movie she was Hollywood’s sexiest young actress, a total fantasy girl, and also a recognized wonderful actress.  I must say I am mostly disappointed in the roles she has taken since 2003, mainly because most of them have been as the Temptress, or the Hot Bimbo, or the Woman Behind The Man.  Lost In Translation indicates she is capable of much, much more.

     The story is tender, and hilarious.  Bill Murray is a fading American actor in Japan to shoot a commercial for a brand of whiskey.  There are some truly hilarious scenes where he must deal with the overly-hospitable Japanese, including one where he tries to fight off the hooker they send to his room.  Alone in Japan, where he knows nobody and is basically stranded, he meets the very young Scarlett Johansson.  She is in the same hotel, also stranded and alone as her photographer husband (Giovanni Ribisi) is off on an assignment.  They strike up a friendship and become very close, even as Murray is picking out carpet swatches over the fax machine with his wife back home in America.

     Johansson’s performance is exquisite, as she finds just the right blend of sadness, loneliness, vulnerability and intelligence.  Murray is even better, as he lets down his guard, tries not to use humour to keep this young woman at arm’s length, and they both discover something profound about themselves.  And Sofia Coppola deserves praise as well, her direction is incredibly subtle, yet assured.  She made Japan feel as foreign to me as I watched as it did for the two protagonists.  Lost In Translation was an absolute triumph.

The Visitor (**********10/10)

Year:  2007
Genre:  Drama
Country:  United States
Language:  English
Starring:  Richard Jenkins, Hiam Abbass, Haaz Sleiman, Danai Gurira, Marian Seldes
Director:  Tom McCarthy
Run time:  103 minutes
DVD distributor:  Alliance Films

     The Visitor is the best DVD in this set, out August 17th from Alliance Films. The Visitor is a magnificent film, starring Richard Jenkins as a lonely man whose wife has died. He comes home to his New York City apartment he hasn’t visited in almost a year. When he walks in, he finds an illegal immigrant couple living in his home. The man (Haaz Sleiman) is from Syria, his girlfriend (Danai Gurira) is from Senegal. Instead of giving them the boot, he allows them to stay until they can find a place of their own, and they quickly become friends, bonding through music.

     Now, many movies have been made about lonely old men who encounters some kind of free-spirited people and has a rebirth. And some of them (like Venus, in 2006) have been very good. Others have really sucked. The Visitor might well be the best of them all. The three lead actors are absolutely flawless, especially Jenkins. He is receiving a considerable amount of Oscar buzz (and a nomination) for this film, and deservedly so.  Although he should have won.  He is terrifically understated and amazingly realistic. Sleiman is wonderful as the Syrian immigrant Tarek, full of joy and vitality. Gurira plays Zainab, his girlfriend, with more restraint and caution, but with a tenderness and love for her boyfriend that leaps off the screen. I know, that sounds lame. But it isn’t. Nothing in this movie is lame. It is all amazing.

     Every scene rings true. Every action by every character is understated and vividly real. And before you know it, this movie has sucked you in completely. It’s a small film. A modest film. And an absolutely wonderful film. It’s pretty rare that a movie can be both life-affirming and heartbreaking at the same time, but The Visitor does both, and it does them well. This film provides masterful acting, joy, romance, and a powerful message, all wrapped up in one of the best movies of the year. Do yourself a big favour, and pick this one up, whether you buy this box set or not.

[youtube  h7E4wLnHErk]

Years:  2002, 2003
Genre:  TV series, Comedy
Country:  United States
Language:  English
Starring:  Melissa Joan Hart, Beth Broderick, Caroline Rhea, Soleil Moon Frye, Elisa Donovan, Trevor Lissauer
Creator:  Nell Scovell
Run time:  8 hours
DVD distributor:  Paramount Home Entertainment

     Yes, I just totally gave away the ending of Sabrina The Teenage Witch with the video clip I included above.  That’s because I think the end is irrelevant but telling.  This TV show ends with a Big Decision – am I going to pick the guy who has been my nice-guy steady boyfriend for this entire final season, or am I going to pick the actor who has been my nice-guy steady boyfriend throughout this whole show?  (And as such is more familiar to the audience.)  And of course, just making that decision is not dramatic enough for a series finale.  No, there has to be a good old fashioned alter-jilting!  How innovative!

     If this were a dreadful soap opera, this could be forgiven.  In fact, were it a dreadful soap opera, the finale might even have been more interesting.  It might have involved a baby and a paternity test and – gasp – a murderer finally revealed!  Or something.  But Sabrina The Teenage Witch was no dreadful soap opera.  Instead, it was a dreadfully half-assed television show which passed its expiry date sometime between the end of Season Two and the beginning of Season Four.  This, Final season, was the seventh.  No one cared any more.  For the first three seasons, this was the 41st-ranked television show in America.  For the last four, it slipped steadily until it closed at #146.  Which means that at least eleven people watched this dramatic alter-jilting final episode.

     How sad.  I like many of the people on this show.  I enjoy Caroline Rhea, I think Melissa Joan Hart is charming and pretty, and I think Soleil Moon Frye is crazy hot and a fine actress.  But they are given absolutely nothing to do.  The talking cat gets awful, awful lines, but they are still better than most of the writing for the other characters.  The two guys between whom Sabrina must decide may as well be cardboard cutouts, with their involvement in the show basically being restricted to standing around while she looks at them.  I have no idea why she agrees to marry this incredibly boring Aaron Jacobs fellow.  Choosing him for a husband is like choosing a boiled potato as a meal in a restaurant.

     And the other guy, Harvey, has been around for seven seasons without once showing any kind of personality, that would explain why Sabrina spent seven years smitten with him.  He’s not a boiled potato, but he IS Kraft Dinner.  Been around a long time, tastes familiar, still boring as hell.  Imagine spending eight hours watching someone choose between eating a boiled potato and eating Kraft Dinner.  That’s Season Seven of Sabrina The Teenage Witch, the final season, which comes out July 27th from Paramount Home Entertainment.  You’ll understand why this series had to end.

Year:  2003
Genre:  Drama
Country:  United States
Language:  English
Starring:  Patrick Swayze, Lisa Niemi, George De La Pena
Director:  Lisa Niemi
Run time:  101 minutes
DVD distributor:  Alliance Films

     There are a lot of reasons to recommend One Last Dance.  It’s a movie where Patrick Swayze dances with his wife, Lisa Niemi.  The film was produced by Niemi, and it appears to be a tender sort of love letter to her husband.  Niemi and Swayze had one of those rare Hollywood marriages, in that they got married in 1975 and stayed married right up until Swayze’s untimely death last year.  They met at a dance studio, danced together all their lives, and the title “One Last Dance” is a sort of sad reminder that Patrick Swayze is no longer with us.

     All of those are reasons to pick up this film.  Unfortunately, all those reasons are sentimental, and none are based on the quality of the movie itself.  Because sadly, this movie is absolutely awful.  At one point, as you can see by the picture I posted above, this movie was presented by Chicken Soup For The Soul.  That should say enough by itself.  This DVD release on July 6th, from Alliance Films, is not presented by Chicken Soup For The Soul.  But the movie itself hasn’t changed.  It’s still sappy and saccharine and almost interminably painful.

     The story of the film might work, if that story were presented on stage as a ballet.  I don’t know anything about ballet, nor would I claim to.  But the story seems to me to be secondary to the dance moves the performers are able to do.  In a movie, however, the story has to keep me engaged between dance scenes.  And it sure didn’t. 

     As I said, I really don’t know much about ballet or dancing in general.  So I have no idea whether Swayze and Niemi and the rest of this cast are any good.  I assume that they are, and that the dancing would be of interest to people who were interested in dance.  But even those people would have a tough time with this film.  The dance scenes are often done in flashbacks, or in dream sequences, and other things of that nature.  Which means they are edited all artsy and dreamily, and I rarely could see what was happening.  I think if I was into dancing, I would have wanted to see…you know…all the dancing.

     But since I’m not a dance fan, I was left watching an after-school special style film, where everyone just needs to work as a team after the crusty old man who runs the dance studio dies, and Swayze and Niemi need to get past the mistrust and nail that One Big Dance Move that Almost Killed Them Years Ago.  I could go on, but thinking about this film is painful to me.  I’m sure it would have made a fine ballet.  But it’s simply dreadful as a movie.  I’ll end this here.  Just remember – Chicken Soup For The Soul.

     Scary Movie (****4/10)

Year:  2000
Genre:  Horror, Comedy
Country:  United States
Language:  English
Starring:  Anna Faris, Marlon Wayans, Shawn Wayans, Cheri O’Teri, Shannon Elizabeth, Regina Hall, Carmen Electra
Eye candy:  Faris, Elizabeth, Hall, Electra
Director:  Keenan Ivory Wayans
Run time:  88 minutes
DVD distributor:  Alliance Films

     There’s nothing scary and very little funny about the first film in the Scary Movie series.  That being said, it stands the test of time far better than some more recent spoof movies, such as Meet The Spartans or Epic Movie, which are some of the worst films ever to reach a movie screen.  Faint praise, I know.  But there are enough decent moments in Scary Movie to make it worth checking out.  Like that final car scene.

     I think the biggest problem I have with Scary Movie, however, is that after spoofing Friday the 13th, Hallowe’en, Scream, I Know What You Did Last Summer, Nightmare on Elm Street and so forth, it seems to run out of films at the end.  All of a sudden there’s a scene where they spoof The Matrix?  Really?  If you ran out of horror films so fast, how could you make three more sequels so quickly?

     Scary Movie 2 (**2/10)

Year:  2001
Genre:  Horror, Comedy
Country:  United States
Language:  English
Starring:  Anna Faris, Natasha Lyonne, Regina Hall, Shawn Wayans, Marlon Wayans, David Cross, Chris Masterson, Andy Richter, James Woods, Tim Curry
Eye candy:  Faris, Lyonne, Hall
Cameos:  Tori Spelling, Chris Elliott
Director:  Keenan Ivory Wayans
Run time:  82 minutes
DVD distributor:  Alliance Films

     This time it’s haunted-house movies getting the Scary Movie watered-down spoof treatment.  The Exorcist, Scream (again), The Haunting, Poltergeist, Silence Of the Lambs and for some reason Mission:Impossible get spoofed here.  It’s the worst of the bunch, the one that thinks simply referencing other movies is funny enough, and that actual jokes are not needed at all.  Here’s the thing - they are.

     Scary Movie 3 (****4/10)

Year:  2003
Genre:  Horror, Comedy
Country:  United States
Language:  English
Starring:  Anna Faris, Anthony Anderson, Leslie Nielsen, Camryn Manheim, Simon Rex, George Carlin, Queen Latifah, Eddie Griffin, Denise Richards, Regina Hall, Charlie Sheen, Pamela Anderson, Jenny McCarthy, Jeremy Piven
Eye candy:  Faris, Richards, Hall, Anderson, McCarthy
Cameos:  Ja Rule, Raekwon, RZA, Fat Joe, Simon Cowell, D. L. Hughley, Macy Gray, Redman, U-God, Peter Boyle, Master P, William Forsythe, Method Man, Darrell Hammond
Director:  David Zucker
Run time:  88 minutes
DVD distributor:  Alliance Films

     Scary Movie 3 is better than Scary Movie 2 – again, faint praise, I know.  The Wayans Brothers and their particularly scattershot brand of lampoon are gone, replaced by David Zucker (Airplane!).  He brings Leslie Nielsen along, which is a nice addition and change of pace in the series, and lampoons The Ring and Signs and so forth.  But again, he can’t help but spoof non-horror movies again (8 Mile, Independance Day, The Matrix again), and that brings the whole thing to yet another crashing halt.

     Scary Movie 4 (*****5/10)

Year:  2006
Genre:  Horror, Comedy
Country:  United States
Language:  English
Starring:  Anna Faris, Regina Hall, Anthony Anderson, Bill Pullman, Molly Shannon, Michael Madsen, Craig Bierko, Leslie Nielsen, Chris Elliott, Phil McGraw, Shaquille O’Neal, Cloris Leachman, Conchita Campbell
Eye candy:  Faris, Hall, Carmen Electra, Kendra Wilkinson, Holly Madison, Bridget Marquardt, Crystal Lowe, Christie Laing, Angelique Naude, Amber Borycki
Cameos:  Youngbloodz, Chingy, Lil’ Jon, Fabolous, Charlie Sheen, James Earl Jones, Andre Benjamin
Director:  David Zucker
Run time:  83 minutes
DVD distributor:  Alliance Films

     The best of the four movies, by default I guess.  There is still the tendancy to merely reference other movies, and not actually mock them or spoof them.  And that still really sucks.  This one takes on horror movies nobody has seen (which really sucks) and also non-horror movies (which also sucks).  The Village – really?  How many people will get that?  That movie was awful, and no one went.  Then there’s Saw, The Grudge, War of the Worlds (so far so good…) and once again, inexplicably, Million Dollar Baby and Brokeback Mountain.

     The reason I say the fourth is the best, and it isn’t entirely by default, is that it simply has the most bonkers cast of any of the films.  Dr. Phil stars with Shaquille O’Neal and Carmen Electra?  That’s something you’ll likely never see again.  Which is more than I can say for the other three films.  I do still love you though, Anna Faris.

     With Inglourious Basterds coming out next week, Alliance Films is hoping that Quentin Tarantino will be top of mind with you, the folks who buy DVDs.  And so they have put Tarantino’s six big movies together in a package so you can re-familiarize yourself with the genius of this unique director before watching his latest masterpiece.  And that’s a good thing.  A brief recap, for those of you who have forgotten what Tarantino has done over the course of his remarkable career:

     Reservoir Dogs (**********10/10):

  “How many dicks is that?”
  “A lot.”

Year:  1992
Genre:  Crime, Gangster
Country:  United States
Languages:  English
Starring:  Harvey Keitel, Tim Roth, Quentin Tarantino, Chris Penn, Michael Madsen, Steve Buscemi, Lawrence Tierney, Randy Brooks, Kirk Baltz, Edward Bunker
Cameos:  Steven Wright, Linda Kaye
Director:  Quentin Tarantino
Run time:  100 minutes

     I don’t think I can say anything about Reservoir Dogs that hasn’t already been said.  It is a phenomenal movie, an all-time classic, that slow-motion shot of the guys coming out of the restaurant at the beginning is a high-water mark in cinema, the dialogue turned movies on their ear, and every single actor involved with the production was better than top-notch.  The violence (although not as graphic and shocking as we thought it was in 1992) was stylish and had a substantial impact without being too cartoonish, and the finale was incredible.  The narrative style (jumping around in time) was a revelation, and the pop culture references were amazing. 

     Reservoir Dogs borrowed heavily from City on Fire, a classic Chow Yun-Fat Hong Kong movie.  I think at this point Tarantino fanatics are well aware of this fact.  The reason to revisit the film, however, is the little things that (perhaps knowingly, or unknowingly) reference Tarantino’s later work.  The discussion Roth and Buscemi and Penn have in a car about Pam Grier and who starred in Get Christie Love! is neat when you realize Pam Grier later starred in Jackie Brown.  Tim Roth and Steve Buscemi later appeared in Pulp Fiction, Madsen later appeared in the Kill Bill movies, and Harvey Keitel has been all over Tarantino’s later work, if only in strange and unbilled cameos like the one in Basterds.

     The addition of Steven Wright as the radio DJ doing K-Billy’s Super Sounds of the Seventies is a magnificent touch – he is an integral part of that “Stuck In The Middle With You” scene that became the most famous in the film.  One other little thing of note (at least, I think it’s kinda cool) - Linda Kaye appears in Reservoir Dogs as “shocked woman”, and then in Pulp Fiction as “shot woman”.  Linda Kaye starred in the 1960s TV comedy series Petticoat Junction, but is probably best known today as the woman who gets shot in the hip by Ving Rhames as he aims at Bruce Willis thirty years later.  All of this is cool.  To me, at least.  But the real reason to watch Reservoir Dogs again is that it kicks ass and it’s amazing.

     Pulp Fiction (**********10/10):

  “Describe what Marcellus Wallace looks like!”

Year:  1994
Genre:  Crime, Gangster
Country:  United States
Language:  English
Starring:  Samuel L. Jackson, John Travolta, Bruce Willis, Uma Thurman, Harvey Keitel, Christopher Walken, Ving Rhames, Phil LaMarr, Peter Green, Paul Calderon, Steve Buscemi, Linda Kaye, Maria de Medeiros, Kathy Griffin, Julia Sweeney, Amanda Plummer, Angela Jones, Tim Roth, Alexis Arquette, Rosanna Arquette, Frank Whaley, Eric Stoltz, Quentin Tarantino
Director:  Quentin Tarantino
Run time:  160 minutes
DVD distributor:  Alliance Films

     It took me a while to choose a quote from Pulp Fiction to kick off this review.  Because just about every single line in this movie is entirely quotable and entirely memorable.  It’s tough to think about that.  How good is the dialogue in the movie when every single line is that good?  That, more than anything else, is what makes this movie utterly brilliant.  What do you choose?  “I’m a get medieval on yo’ ass”, “Royale with cheese”, “maybe your method of massage differs from mine”, “pretty please.  With sugar on top.  Clean the f** car.”  Or how about “any of you f** pricks move, and I’ll execute every m**f** last one of ya!”  Frankly, most of the quotes from Pulp Fiction that have become part of our pop culture ever since 1994 have too much swearing in them to be mentioned here.

     But it’s not just the dialogue that makes Pulp Fiction great.  Look above this review, and check out the list of stars.  Pretty impressive list, right?  Some big names in there.  But it’s not impressive just because Quentin Tarantino was able to get that many amazing actors to appear in his film.  No, Pulp Fiction is amazing because it created, or in many cases resurrected the careers of so many of those actors.  Uma Thurman is famous because of Pulp Fiction.  Same with Samuel L. Jackson and Ving Rhames.  The movie brought John Travolta back from career death, and introduced Christopher Walken to a whole new audience. 

     Harvey Keitel was already established at the time – he had done Mean Streets, Bad Lieutenant, and other classics.  But I would wager that more people know him as “The Wolf” than anything else.  I would also wager that Phil LaMarr, despite a long career on MAD TV, gets called “Marvin” more than anything else, and that Frank Whaley is pretty sick of people approaching him to say “check out the big brain on Brett!”  These are just guesses, of course.  But when I need to describe an actor to someone – if I’m talking about the new movie where Tim Roth stops aging or something – I can’t just say “Tim Roth”.  Not everyone knows who he is.  But if I say “Pumpkin from Pulp Fiction“, they know right away.

     Then there’s Bruce Willis.  The year before he did Pulp Fiction, he did a movie called Striking Distance, where a cop is a serial killer, there are several boat chases, and the love interest chick is Sarah Jessica Parker.  He had just come off The Last Boyscout, Die Hard 2 and Hudson Hawk.  He was a bona-fide movie star, but he was spinning his wheels somewhat in terms of creativity.  Pulp Fiction helped to change his image somewhat, and launched a second phase of his career.  After playing Butch Coolidge in 1994, he went on to star in 12 Monkeys, The Fifth Element, The Sixth Sense, and one of the most entertaining movies of his action career, Die Hard With A Vengeance with…Samuel L. Jackson.

     Pulp Fiction, though, was more than just a quotable movie and a career-maker for so many actors.  It was also a marvel of structure, of filming, and of art-film-meets-action movie-meets-comedy.  It is genuinely hilarious, it crackles with suspense and action, there are some suddenly and remarkably brutal scenes, and yet it is artistically incredible as well.  What makes Pulp Fiction so terrific artistically is that it is open to interpretation in so many ways.  There is a remarkable theory out there that suggests that what is in the never-seen case is actually Marcellus Wallace’s soul, and that the bandaid on his head and Jules Winfield’s acknowledgement of having witnessed a miracle are all part and parcel of returning the soul to its owner.  It’s an amazing theory, and who knows if it’s true.  I won’t go into great detail here, but google it.  It’s fascinating.

     More than anything though, Pulp Fiction was, and remains, the coolest movie ever made.  It’s one of the few movies that bears up under several viewings (in my case, about two hundred viewings).  And it’s also perhaps the second-most influential movie of all time.  Not necessarily second-most influential in terms of movies that followed it, although that is certainly possible too.  But second-most influential in the wider culture outside movies.  Nowhere near as many people have seen Pulp Fiction as have seen Star Wars, and perhaps that’s why it’s only #2.  Hopefully, however, even more people will see this absolute classic as it gets released yet again.  Pulp Fiction.  A must-have.

     Jackie Brown (********8/10):

  “Is she dead, yes or no?”
  “Pretty much.”

Year:  1997
Genre:  Crime, Gangster
Country:  United States
Languages:  English
Starring:  Pam Grier, Robert DeNiro, Samuel L. Jackson, Robert Forster, Michael Keaton, Chris Tucker, Sid Haig
Eye candy:  Bridget Fonda
Director:  Quentin Tarantino
Run time:  155 minutes
DVD distributor:  Alliance Films

     Jackie Brown was considered by many to be Tarantino’s worst movie when it came out.  And they were right.  Following on the heels of two of the greatest films of the 90s, it was a little disappointing.  And until Death Proof came out many years later, it was the low-water mark of Tarantino’s career.  But if a movie as good as Jackie Brown is your low-water mark, you have done something exceptional with your career, haven’t you?  Fewer memorable lines than Pulp Fiction, not as many cool action sequences as the Kill Bill movies that were to follow, and the characters were simply not as memorable.

     However, Jackie Brown was still as cool as movies got.  Pam Grier, brought back from career death.  Robert Forster, who had been long-forgotten thanks to movies like Maniac Cop 3, Robert DeNiro still at the peak of his career, Bridget Fonda, Michael Keaton and others made up an amazing cast, and is there a better scene in movies than the one where DeNiro shoots Bridget Fonda?  Maybe the one where DeNiro has sex with Bridget Fonda.  Jackie Brown isn’t Pulp Fiction or Reservoir Dogs or Kill Bill or Inglourious Basterds.  But it’s darn good anyway.

     Kill Bill Vol. 1 (*********9/10):

  “Leave your limbs behind.  They belong to me.”

Year:  2003
Genre:  Kung-Fu
Country:  United States
Languages:  English, Japanese
Starring:  Uma Thurman, Sonny Chiba, Gordon Liu
Director:  Quentin Tarantino
Eye candy:  Vivica Fox, Lucy Liu, Daryl Hannah, Chiaki Kuriyama, Julie Dreyfus
Run time:  107 minutes
DVD distributor:  Alliance Films

     One of the great movies of the past ten years, Quentin Tarantino’s Kill Bill was a revelation when it hit the big screen.  A tribute to kung-fu movies, to old western movies, to Japanese samurai epics, and just about everything else you can imagine, Kill Bill feels terrifically familiar while still bringing something entirely new to the movie world.  Buckets of blood, filthy fun dialogue, and incredibly creepy scenes played for laughs, you can tell right away who made this film.  But never has Tarantino made such an adrenaline-fueled badass action movie. 

     “We’ll have us a knife fight.”

     Uma Thurman plays “The Bride”, who has been shot in the head and left for dead by an elite team of international assassins.  Thurman was once a member of that team, and when she finally emerges from her coma, she goes off to seek her revenge.  And…that’s about it, as far as plot goes.  Now, it’s knife fights and sword fights and all kinds of blood.  The first victim of The Bride’s wrath is Vernita Green (Vivica Fox), who is now a suburban homemaker with an adorable little daughter.  The scene where the two women put their knives away as the child gets off the school bus is priceless.

     Then the Bride needs a sword.  This sword must be made by Hattori Hanzo, the world’s greatest sword maker.  Hanzo is played by Sonny Chiba, a legend in Japanese martial arts cinema with his series of bloody, violent, morally questionable Street Fighter movies.  And in order to make Kill Bill even more bloody and violent and morally questionable, Uma Thurman needs a sword fashioned by Sonny Chiba.  It makes sense.  The addition of Chiba to the cast is a nice touch, but I would have liked to see him throw down at least a little.  Gordon Liu, another martial arts movie legend, was cast in the movie too, but he at least got to kick a little ass. 

     Then it’s Lucy Liu, whose creepy, bloody and brutal back story is told in Japanese animation.  I guess because it would have been too brutal and violent to show, and the movie wanted to maintain the “R” rating and not cross the line to NC-17.  I think there are a few other scenes that have been edited differently for the same reason (some black-and-white sword fights, for example.  I don’t get the reasoning there – if there is a ton of blood, does it really offend people less if it’s in black and white?)  Liu has an army of bodyguards called the “Crazy 88″, led by the aforementioned Gordon Liu.  And Uma Thurman must cut them all down to get to her target.

     Of course, there is a Kill Bill 2, so we know she will slice her way through the entire team of bodyguards, and we know that it will be badass, and we know that she will end up murdering Lucy Liu in the final act of revenge in Vol. 1.  But nothing can prepare for the carnage and the mayhem, and the leaving behind of limbs.  When this movie ends, even though it’s almost two hours long, I always need to watch the second movie, right away.  Which is why this single-disc edition of both movies works so well.

     “That woman deserves her revenge.  And we deserve to die.”

     Kill Bill Vol. 2 (**********10/10):

  “Gross.”

Year:  2004
Genre:  Kung-Fu
Country:  United States
Languages:  English, Japanese
Starring:  Uma Thurman, David Carradine, Samuel L. Jackson, Michael Madsen, Gordon Liu
Eye candy:  Daryl Hannah, Helen Kim
Director:  Quentin Tarantino
Run time:  137 minutes
DVD distributor:  Alliance Films

     It’s an amazing feat, but Kill Bill Vol. 2 actually manages to be better than Vol. 1.  The scenes with Gordon Liu playing the badass old warrior Pai Mei, as Uma Thurman undergoes his “cruel tutelage” would not be out of place in a classic kung-fu movie from the 70s, except that it’s more stylish and more badass.  The swordfight between Uma Thurman and Daryl Hannah in a tiny trailer is one of the best-choreographed fight scenes I have ever seen.  There are several moments, in the desert, that are either direct tributes to classic western movies or inspired scenes of western myth.  And the characters in Vol. 2 are a step up from those in Vol. 1, in a big way.

     First, there is Budd (Michael Madsen), Bill’s brother and a broken-down, regret filled strip club bouncer who has given up the professional killer lifestyle in favour of anonymity and a booze-soaked existence in the desert.  When he (of all people) manages to get the drop on the Bride (now named Beatrix Kiddo), and buries her alive, it’s one of the most frightening and claustrophobic scenes in all of Tarantino’s oeuvre.  Daryl Hannah, playing the evil (”evil” being a relative term in these movies, but she is the worst of the worst) bad girl, is both smoking hot and frighteningly creepy as she stalks the Bride.  The scene where she leaves Budd’s trailer and gets Thurman’s two feet in her chest is one of the few real “oh yeah!” moments in these films.

     It’s almost sad that Elle Driver (Hannah) kills Budd, leaving the Bride’s quest for revenge slightly less satisfying.  But the scene between the two women is so immensely satisfying that it eclipses any disappointment I felt at not seeing everyone brutally murdered by Uma Thurman.

     And then there’s Bill.  Given the recent and sad passing of David Carradine, this is the most recognizeable and important role he ever played in a movie.  And it’s the best acting performance of his life.  And he is one of the most badass characters in any Tarantino movie.  And he’s still rather cheesy.  In fact, Carradine’s Bill in Kill Bill Vol. 2 is almost a Steven Seagal character.  The silly philosophizing, the almost-phony mysticism, the soft-spoken yet badass sense of his own wisdom.  And of course the kung-fu.  He is what Seagal could be in the hands of Tarantino.  And here’s me hoping those two hook up for a movie some day.  A guy can dream.

     Of course, Tarantino made the two movies as one movie.  Kill Bill was supposed to be one, super-long, crazy badass movie.  But not a lot of people would have sat through four hours in a theatre, so it was split into two films that people might actually go to watch.  I, though, am one of those people who would have sat through four hours of this in the theatre.  And I have, often, sat through all four hours of this in my house.  And now, I can do so without getting up.  There are no special features.  But who needs them?  After two Kill Bill films, I am too exhausted and satisfied to care.

     Death Proof (*******7/10):

  “Ladies, we’re gonna have some fun.”

Year:  2007
Genre:  Horror
Country:  United States
Languages:  English
Starring:  Kurt Russell, Quentin Tarantino, Eli Roth, Michael Parks
Eye candy:  Rosario Dawson, Zoe Bell, Rose McGowan, Vanessa Ferlito, Jordan Ladd, Sydney Tamiia Poitier, Tracie Thomas, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Helen Kim
Director:  Quentin Tarantino
Run time:  114 minutes
DVD distributor:  Alliance Films

     True to Quentin Tarantino form, he packs Death Proof with as many references to other movies as possible. The whole film is a campy and terrific throwback to the days of drive-in cinema, and most of it is wonderful. Kurt Russell, perhaps banking on Tarantino to resurrect his career just as he did for John Travolta and David Carradine, plays a stunt driver who gets his kicks by murdering hot young women with his car. He also does a really great John Wayne impression.

     Throughout the movie, Tarantino makes reference to Zatoichi, the blind swordsman, The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance, Convoy, Junior Bonner, and a few of his own films, as well as a ton of old car movies like Smokey and the Bandit, the original Gone in 60 Seconds, and in a big way, the 70s classic Vanishing Point. The dialogue is as great as you would expect in a Tarantino movie, and does a wonderful job conveying the spirit of 70s B-movies. The only problem I have with the film is the first hour seems pretty unnecessary once the second half begins. It’d be better if the film started almost an hour in.

     Death Proof is not Tarantino’s best work, but it is a fantastic movie for anyone who is interested in cars, cheesy 70s film, or B-movie classics.  And having it with the Collection is better than having it without.  Tarantino: The Ultimate Collection comes out December 8th from Alliance Films.

     I guess the idea here is that both Elf and Semi-Pro star Will Ferrell.  So it makes a little tiny bit of sense to package them together.  And Elf is Christmassy, so that works…and may as well throw in one more movie as a way to repackage Elf in time for Christmas!  Fortunately, both these movies are worth watching, so they are worth picking up when they come out as a double feature from Alliance Films November 10th. 

Elf (******6/10)

“You smell like beef and cheese, you don’t smell like Santa”

Year:  2003
Genre:  Comedy, Christmas
Country:  United States
Language:  English
Starring:  Will Ferrell, James Caan, Ed Asner, Mary Steenburgen, Bob Newhart, Peter Dinklage, Amy Sedaris, Jon Favreau, Andy Richter, Daniel Tay, Faizon Love, Kyle Gass
Eye candy:  Zooey Deschanel
Director:  Jon Favreau
Run time:  97 minutes
DVD distributor:  Alliance Films

     There is something indubitably charming about Elf, which is about the most mainstream movie Jon Favreau ever made.  And I’m including Iron Man on that list.  Will Ferrell is not the main reason for the charm, but he certainly doesn’t ruin the film with overacting and…being Will Ferrell.  He’s alright.  But Zooey Deschanel, James Caan and a solid supporting cast do a great job of reacting TO Ferrell (an overgrown man-child elf who has gone from Santa’s workshop to the real world).  At it’s best, Elf is as hilarious as anything Ferrell has ever done.  At worst, it’s the Christmas version of Beverly Hills Ninja.  Remember that one?  I hope not…thankfully, Elf is more often good than awful. 

Semi-Pro (******6/10)

“Everybody panic!”

Year:  2008
Genre:  Comedy
Country:  United States
Language:  English
Starring:  Will Ferrell, Woody Harrelson, Andre Benjamin, Andrew Daly, Will Arnett, Andy Richter, Rob Corddry, Patti LaBelle, Tim Meadows, Ed Helms
Eye candy:  Maura Tierney, Kristen Wiig
Director:  Kent Alterman
Run time:  91 minutes
DVD distributor:  Alliance Films

     Just putting Will Ferrell in a comedy means a few things.  First, it will do decent bank at the box-office at worst, and massive bank at best.  Secondly, even if it sucks, it will feature a few great laughs somewhere in the film.  And Semi-Pro has both.  A decent bank at the box office for a crappy comedy, and some seriously great laughs in an otherwise crappy comedy.  Will Ferrell is Jackie Moon, a one-hit-wonder singer with a song called “Love Me Sexy”, which is kind of funny, but not as funny as it should be.  He made enough money with that song that he is able to buy a team in the fledgling American Basketball Association, the Flint Tropics.  The team is playing in a tiny market, to few fans, and Ferrell is constantly dreaming up bizarre promotions to get more fans out to the games.  Since this is a second-rate basketball league, he is also able to play on the team.  As the owner of the team, he can decide this for himself, and he does. 

     The rest of the team doesn’t seem to resent this, however, because they really don’t care about their careers or the game.  They just want to be minor-level local celebrities, which gets them the occasional free beer and every now and then gets them laid.  Which, for them, is good enough.  They do have a substantial talent on the team, however, in Clarence “Downtown” Withers, a Dr. J type player who changes his name before just about every game.  And when it is announced that the ABA is going to be merging with the NBA, and that the top four teams in the league will get to join while the others will fold, the Tropics all of a sudden have something to play for.  Inclusion in the NBA, which is everyone’s dream.  So Ferrell hires a loose-cannon ex-NBA player (Woody Harrelson) to help get the team over the hump. 

     In the meantime, he keeps devising these crazy promotional schemes to draw people to the arena to watch the games.  These schemes provide the bulk of the laughs in the film, especially the scene where Ferrell wrestles the bear.  This scene (to start out, anyway) is remarkably underplayed by Ferrell, and really works.  So do a few others, but overall the movie doesn’t.  It doesn’t work because it doesn’t do anything.  It doesn’t go anywhere, it just muddles it’s way through a story we’ve all seen a thousand times – an underdog misfit team decides to play well, and fights their way to glory…with hilarious results.  And in doing so, they throw in a bunch of used-up sports movie cliches from Slapshot, Major League, Bull Durham, and a host of other sports comedies that are much better than this one. 

     In the end, I would actually recommend this movie, because the few laughs that are in there are very good, and because Ferrell, Harrellson and Andre Benjamin (who plays Clarence Withers) all do extremely well with the thin comedy they are handed.  And also because, on some level, this movie is interesting, historically.  Semi-Pro actually seems to feel some empathy and some reverence for the ABA, which merged with the NBA in 1976 and saw the Spurs, the Nuggets, the Pacers and the Nets join the big league.  And although Semi-Pro seems to think that just having an afro in the 70s is funny, it still manages to find some kind of a heart under the poorly executed comedy.  Not a great movie, but not Ferrell’s worst by a long shot.

“The voice of the true Muslim will be the one that matters.”

Year:  2003
Countries:  Pakistan, Germany, France
Language:  Punjabi w/ English subtitles
Starring:  Kirron Kher, Aamir Malik, Arshad Mahmud
Director:  Sabiha Sumar
Run time:  99 minutes
DVD distributor:  First Run Features

     There have been many movies recently that dealt with the conversion of regular young people to radical Islam.  The young folks go from decent and hard working young people to rabid, bloodthirsty jihadists in what seems like a matter of hours.  Some of these films have been very good, (Syriana), and others have been absolutely awful.  Treating the radical Islamic movement as though it were the weed in Reefer Madness.  Silent Waters treads some middle ground here.  When young Saleem (Aamir Malik) is approached by some fundamentalist bullies, he is at first skeptical, and in fact laughs outright and calls them ridiculous.  And it’s fairly clear in Silent Waters that these jihadists are, in fact ridiculous and that any reasonable Muslim in the area can see through them and their bilious rhetoric.

     But they show Saleem some pictures, you see.  And within about four minutes, he goes from the reasonable position (these people are ridiculous) to the inexplicable one (these people speak the truth and this is the life for me).  It’s a bit much.  What photos could someone show you that would make you renounce all reason and join a group of maniacs?  I would argue there is no such photo that could accomplish the job in four minutes.  Which means Saleem is instantly a bit of a cartoonish character.  The weak-minded offspring of a strong-minded mother.  Except that Saleem is not a man with a weak mind.  He shouldn’t be this easily persuaded.

     Then again, more than most films with a similar character, Silent Waters rings true in the case of Saleem, because you can tell the director (Sabiha Sumar) and the actors all understand what they’re doing and what they’re talking about.  Saleem’s transformation into a radical may be badly written, but it is superbly acted and ultimately entirely convincing.  Aamir Malik is one of the best things about this movie.  But then, it isn’t really a movie about Saleem.  It is a movie about Saleem’s mother, Ayesha, played by Kirron Kher, who is the best thing about the film, without a doubt.

     The movie is based on real-life tensions between the Muslim community and the Sikh community that stem from some serious brutality several years ago.  Sikh men slaughtered Muslims, Muslims slaughtered Sikhs, and in order to dishonour their enemies as much as possible, they abducted each others’ women.  This led to a number of dreadful ”honour killings”, where men on both sides murdered their wives and sisters rather than have them fall into the hands of their foes.  Ayesha is one of the women who escaped.  As a young Sikh, she escaped murder at the hands of her own father only to fall victim to an abduction by Muslims.  But she was (and still is) tough.  And she adapted.  And eventually found a young Muslim man, fell in love and got married.

     Now her husband is dead, and Ayesha teaches the Koran to local children.  But when her son comes under the spell of the extremist Muslim reactionaries, and sets off with them to make war on the Sikhs, everything in Ayesha’s life and history threatens to come apart.  Silent Waters is not a perfect film.  Some of it is trite, some of it is silly, and occasionally it can be a tad ham-handed.  But it works.  It works because of the actors, especially Kher and Malik, and it works because it is telling a story it knows.  There is real tragedy still lurking under the surface in Pakistan and other parts of the world, and the current climate is more likely to bring it to the surface than any before.

     Silent Waters is a part of the Human Rights Watch DVD box set, out July 21st from First Run Features.

“Until now, has anyone said this past action was wrong – that two million dead among the Khmer people was wrong?  Has anyone begged forgiveness?”

Year:  2003
Country:  Cambodia, France
Language:  Khmer w/ English subtitles
Starring:  Rithy Panh
Director:  Rithy Panh
Run time:  101 minutes
DVD distributor:  First Run Features

     One thing that bothers me about the Holocaust in Germany is when people use the phrase “never again”.  It seems like such an empty phrase when, since 1944, it has happened again.  Many times, in many countries.  And perhaps never worse than in Cambodia in the late 1970s, when more than two million people lost their lives to the Khmer Rouge in the worst genocide since World War II.

     S21: The Khmer Rouge Killing Machine is a unique and powerful movie that seeks to explain the genocide, the torture, and the brutal actions of the Angkar (the party in control of Cambodia at the time).  Rithy Panh, a survivor of the Khmer Rouge atrocities, brings several people together at one of the most infamous sites, the S21 Security Bureau, in the heart of Phnom Penh.  There, 17,000 people were tortured and executed between 1975 and 1979.

     Three prisoners survived S21 and are alive today.  Panh brings those three survivors back to the Security Bureau, where they endured some of the most horrific things men have ever done to other men.  The building is now a genocide museum, but it clearly carries devastating emotional significance to these men.  Joining them for this pilgrammage are some of those who were on the other side – the torturers themselves.

     It isn’t really about clearing their conscience, or receiving forgiveness for their sins.  These men are, in their own way, as broken as those they tortured.  They try to repeat the mantra “I was just following orders”, but faced with those they brutalized, they seem to realize that those words are terribly empty.  The idea behind this movie is simply to recreate the conditions and the terror that went on in the S21 Bureau.  And it certainly succeeds.

     One of the most chilling aspects of the movie is the ease with which the former torturers fall back into their routine of the time.  One of them, who was all of 12 or 13 years old when he began “working” at S21, goes through the motions in a rote sort of way, checking imaginary handcuffs and locks, blindfolding prisoners, beating other prisoners, taking water away from others, and threatening the imaginary “enemy” as though he has never left this place.

     I can’t help but feel for that particular guy, because he was really a child soldier, asked to do some horrendous things.  The others explain their involvement by citing their families, or a fear of the Angkar, or the idea that if they didn’t kill the “enemies” of the state, then they would be branded as “enemies” themselves.  It’s probably all true, but other phrases are more telling.

     “I had power over the enemy…I never thought of his life.”

     Female prisoners were raped and tortured with their kids in the room.  When hospitals needed blood, four bags worth were taken out of prisoners until they collapsed and died.  All the prisoners were forced to sign a declaration of the things they had done to make them prisoners, even though none of them ever appeared to know why they were there.  They were tortured until they made something up, and then eventually executed for the crime they had invented.

     I have been complaining for a while about the scope of certain documentaries, many on the same box set as this one.  They are either too narrow and I don’t learn enough about the story surrounding a particular event, or they are too broad and I don’t care about any one person.  And S21 doesn’t really tell the story of the rise to power of the Khmer Rouge, or any Cambodian history leading up to the event.  They mention, briefly, the Vietnam war and the American bombing of their country, and that’s about it.

     But S21 is a movie that works really well because of it’s narrow scope.  Just these men, in this place, is all we really need to know.  We know they were detained for no reason.  We know these beatings and torture sessions took place for no reason.  And we know that these actions were suffered by human beings and performed by human beings.  Seeing them together, the tortured and their tormentors, is moving and devastating and S21 becomes transcendant. 

     Not just a documentary about a bunch of bad stuff that happened, S21: The Khmer Rouge Killing Machine is a dark, frightening look at human nature, and about the things ordinary men can do to other ordinary men.  Panh, much like he does with paintings that crop up every now and then in the film, has created a masterpiece out of an outrage.  S21: The Khmer Rouge Killing Machine is part of the Human Rights Watch DVD box set, out July 21st from First Run Features.