Year:  2002
Genre:  Drama
Country:  Canada
Language:  French w/ English subtitles
Starring:  Pierre Lebeau, Karine Vanasse, Roy Dupuis, Remy Girard, Robert Brouillette
Director:  Charles Biname
Run time:  110 minutes
DVD distributor:  Alliance Films

     The cast list for Seraphin: Heart of Stone is impressive.  Quebec movie stalwarts like Roy Dupuis and Remy Girard, the lovely Karine Vanasse, and the terrific Pierre Lebeau star in the movie, which is a re-working of the classic novel Un Homme Et Son Peche by Canadian journalist Claude-Henri Grignon, written in 1933. 

     The problem is that the movie feels more like an extended episode of Road To Avonlea than like a period piece or a romantic drama or a sweeping tragedy.  You know, if Road To Avonlea had had mildly uncomfortable rape scenes.  (I say mildly uncomfortable, because the film didn’t have the sack to make those scenes really unpleasant, the way you might think rape would actually be.)

     And maybe more troubling is the central character, Seraphin (Lebeau).  He is an old miser who runs the town as the mayor with an iron fist, swindling people and taking everyone’s money.  He takes beautiful Donalda (Vanasse) as his bride, as payment for a debt owed him by her father (Girard).  This of course makes her fiancee Alexis (Dupuis) very angry.  And that’s the central premise of the movie.

     Seraphin is miserly, corrupt, mean and just generally despicable.  He won’t feed Donalda enough, because it would cost too much money.  He won’t let her have kids, because kids are expensive.  Not that she wants kids with the creepy old man anyway.  But all this over-the-top money grubbing makes Seraphin seem more like Scrooge McDuck than a real person, and the finale somehow cheeses up what was already a pretty cheesy ending to the book.

     Seraphin: Heart of Stone just isn’t worth it.  But if you’re a huge Roy Dupuis fan, or something, you can pick it up May 3rd from Alliance Films.  It comes in French only, with the option of English subtitles.

     First Run Features has come out with a four-disc box set of classic sexy French films, featuring some of the hottest, most seductive actresses ever to hit the big screen.  The films are as follows:

  La Vie Promise (********8/10) (The Promised Life)

Year:  2002
Genre:  Drama
Countries:  France
Language:  French w/ English subtitles
Starring:  Isabelle Huppert, Pascal Greggory, Maud Forget
Director:  Olivier Dahan
Run time:  89 minutes
DVD distributor:  First Run Features

     Isabelle Huppert is a magnificent actress.  One of my all-time favourites.  Sexy, dark, sultry but damaged, she has left an indelible impression on me in every movie of hers I’ve seen.  Now, this box set is called The French Art of Seduction, and precious little actual seduction is going on in La Vie Promise, but Huppert I guess is “seductive” just by showing up.

     She plays Sylvia, a tired, broken-down prostitute with a teenage daughter who gets into trouble with some bad people when her daughter Laurence (Maud Forget) kills a man defending her mom.  The two of them go on the run, heading out of the city and into the French countryside with no real destination or plan.  Laurence tries to reconnect with Sylvia after what has presumably been a very long separation.  Sylvia tries to push Laurence away because she wants to stay checked out of life and avoid her past.

     On the way they get separated, re-connect, encounter a man who is running away from his own past, and Sylvia eventually, tentatively, looks to go back into her history a little bit.  It’s tender, and sweet, and Huppert is wonderful.  I like the way the film doesn’t give the full back story, and the people Sylvia encounters from her past are so awkward in her presence that they never give the full story either.  It’s a solid film, though it IS the least seductive movie in the set.

  La Desenchantee (******6/10) (The Disenchanted)

Year:  1990
Genre:  Drama
Countries:  France
Language:  French w/ English subtitles
Starring:  Judith Godreche, Marcel Bozonnet, Ivan Desny
Director:  Benoit Jacquot
Run time:  78 minutes
DVD distributor:  First Run Features

     Beth is disenchanted.  That is because Beth (played by the almost-inadvertently sultry Judith Godreche) has a really crappy life.  Her boyfriend is a jerk.  In the very first scene in La Desenchantee, he suggests she test her love for him by having sex with the ugliest man she can find.  (She does give it a go, just to spite him, but can’t quite bring herself to sleep with the dweeb she takes home.)  Her mom appears to be sick, in some way – she never leaves the bed and is almost catatonic.

     There is no food in the house, and Beth must find a way to provide for herself and her younger brother with no income source of her own.  Her mom’s only source of income is a man they call “Sugardaddy” – a really blatant and unnecessarily creepy name for a very obviously creepy man – who seems to pay her for sex.  The mom never gets out of bed, so I assume she just stays there, Sugardaddy comes over and has sex with her, leaves a cheque, and she continues to lie there.  Maybe she isn’t sick and catatonic so much as she is lazy and awful.

     Of course, Sugardaddy is more interested in Beth than he is in Beth’s mother.  After all, one of them is barely functioning as a human being, the other is young and nubile.  Beth is 17 years old, certainly attractive, and her bitter hatred of Sugardaddy makes him want her that much more.  And of course, her mom wants her to prostitute herself to the disgusting old man because…well…she’s lazy?  And the worst mother ever?  And the movie calls for Beth’s life to get worse and worse in every frame?

     Beth eventually finds herself stuck between a rock and a hard place, with no other way to provide for herself and her brother.  A opssible escape is presented when another older man, this time a free-spirited knife enthusiast, treats her kindly and gives her a sense of freedom.  His involvement is almost as creepy as that of Sugardaddy, but at least he isn’t forcing himself on her.  As the movie boils down to its inevitably bleak conclusion, Beth must make a decision that will, one way or the other, harm her irreparably.

     Judith Godreche made a career out of playing the younger woman involved with older men.  In most of her movies she was in her teens, either seducing or seduced by someone thirty years her senior.  She is certainly seductive, simply by showing up, but there is very little about La Desenchantee that is actually sexy.  The premise is just too creepy to be sensual in any way, and the bleak nature of the plot allows for little titillation.  It’s good, but perhaps “art of seduction” is not an accurate way to describe it.

  La Petite Lili (******6/10) (Little Lili)

Year:  2003
Genre:  Drama
Countries:  France, Canada
Language:  French w/ English subtitles
Starring:  Ludivigne Sagnier, Bernard Giraudeau, Nicole Garcia, Julie Depardieu
Director:  Claude Miller
Run time:  104 minutes
DVD distributor:  First Run Features

     Easily the most appropriately “seductive” of the films in the Seduction box set, La Petite Lili opens with a very naked, very raw sex scene.  Which is nice, but very deceptive when it comes to the rest of the film which involves no nakedness or sex at all.  It’s the story of Julien, who is in love with Lili, and Jeanne-Marie who is in love with Julien, and Lili who is infatuated with Brice, who is the boyfriend of Mado, who is Julien’s mom.  Got all that?  Okay.

     The “seduction” in the movie comes, of course, courtesy of Lili, who is played by the out-of-this-world Ludivigne Sagnier (you might remember her from Swimming Pool…if you ever saw Swimming Pool).  Julien (Robinson Stevenin) is an aspiring film maker, and Lili is his muse.  Lili doesn’t take Julien very seriously at all, nor does she particularly care for the short films he shoots of her.  She is more interested in Brice (Bernard Giraudeau), who is a successful film maker with a good career.

     There are a few problems with the movie – as there often are with movies about film makers.  There are so many discussions about movie making, and about the search for beauty in life and about the process and so forth that I couldn’t help but search for the deficiencies in La Petite Lili itself.  It’s a lot of talk.  Julien is a cartoon of an aspiring film maker, all angst and fury and self-absorption.  Mado is a caricature of an aging actress trying to hang on to her more youthful persona.

     While most of the characters are paper-thin, and the story arc seems facile and obvious, it’s still a decent movie thanks to Sagnier.  I believe that Julien doesn’t even see the lovely Jeanne-Marie (Julie Depardieu) when Lili is around.  I believe Brice would toss Mado aside at the chance to run off with Lili, even knowing it would end badly.  And I believe the rest of these characters lives revolves around this one particular weekend and their encounters with Lili.  That, and of course Ludivigne Sagnier, is reason enough to watch.

  Seaside (*******7/10)

Year:  2002
Genre:  Drama
Countries:  France
Language:  French w/ English subtitles
Starring:  Bulle Ogier, Jonathan Zaccai, Helene Fillieres
Director:  Julie Lopes-Curval
Run time:  90 minutes
DVD distributor:  First Run Features

     Helene Fillieres is the seductress this time, in Julie Lopes-Curval’s Seaside.  This is a very small, unassuming movie that got under my skin quickly.  Fillieres is fantastic as Marie, the film’s central character and the tie that binds the many diverse people we meet over the course of the movie.  Marie works at a terrible, dead-end job in a pebble factory.  Yes, such things as pebble factories DO exist.  She has a nice enough, if awkwardly clueless boyfriend, Paul (Jonathan Zaccai), who works as a lifeguard at the beach.

     Paul has a sister who works at the casino, and a mother who gambles away all their life savings at that same casino.  We meet many other characters, most of whom are coming to the town as a vacation getaway, while Marie wants nothing more than to get OUT of this town and away from her boyfriend and pebble factory.  I get the sense that she believes she is too beautiful for either.  In a way, she is absolutely right.  Her boss, the general manager of the pebble factory and one of the richest men on the island, offers her an affair, and she sees it as a way out.

     Marie’s restlessness and infidelity are just one small portion of the overall tapestry of Seaside.  Every other character contributes to the lyrical, slow-paced and poetic feel of the film.  It’s a modest movie, but very satisfying.

Years:  2000, 2002
Genre:  TV movie, Biopic
Country:  United States
Language:  English
Starring:  Meredith Monroe, Tess Harper, Walton Goggins, Lindsay Crouse, Haley McCormick, Courtnie Bull, Barbara Jane Reams, Richard Thomas, Skye McCole Bartusiak
Directors:  Marcus Cole
Run time:  181 minutes
DVD distributor:  Paramount Home Entertainment

     At the beginning of Beyond The Prairie, there’s a weird blue spherical shining luminescent object that flies out of the sky and smashes into the ground in a field near the home of a young Laura Ingalls.  I was immediately intrigued – an unidentified falling flaming object?  The true story of Laura Ingalls Wilder was going to involve alien encounters, and science fiction anomalies, and maybe a totally crazy woman?  That was a lot better than I had imagined this story to be!

     But alas, it was no UFO.  In fact, the bad-CGI object was never explained at all.  It was merely a device to start a fire, which would lead to Laura’s father being heroic and stalwart, and show us that he had a great and loving relationship with his daughter.  That’s it.  From there, we get to meet her equally wise and wonderful mother and her warm and caring blind sister.  Everyone is fantastic!

     We’re treated to some seriously silly dialogue – Laura writes a mean-spirited poem about her spiteful and vindictive teacher, and her father has to have a heart-to-heart talk with her.  That talk goes someone like this…

  “Laura, you bin given a gift!  You kin take the things ya see, and feel, and turn ‘em into words.  And you used that gift to hurt this woman.  Spiteful and vindictive or not, she din’t deserve that.”

     These words are of course delivered with an impressive gravitas, as good ol’ Dad proves to be both kind-hearted and wise, and a constant source of life lessons to young Laura.  But this particular exchange, along with many others in the movie, made me laugh until my sides ached.  In fact, I rewound this scene, and a few others, and they made me laugh just as much the second time around.

     The rest of the time, the movie just moves from one plot point to the next, one incident to the next, one scenario at a time.  It never shows us any actual action, just the aftermath of that action.  We see Laura about to have sex with her new husband, then the scene cuts away and a baby is there.  We see Laura about to give birth, and the scene cuts away to the family grieving over (presumably) a stillbirth.  Laura’s husband Almonzo heads into town, next thing you know he’s back at the house with Laura fighting a blaze at the ol’ homestead.

     There are two parts to the story, both of which are contained on this DVD.  Which means there are three hours of the Laura Ingalls Wilder story here.  Three long, by-the-numbers hours of storytelling that, I hope, would make Ms. Wilder herself very upset.  There is almost no effort put in to character development.  Instead, it’s a chronological recounting of what we think must have been Laura’s life.  How little effort was put into the movie?  Laura’s daughter’s dog’s name is Fido.  Fido.  Need I say more?

     Off the top, I want to state my one big complaint with The Michael Moore Collection, out November 2nd from Alliance Films.  And that is simply that it doesn’t include the one film that put Moore on the map, the one big success that generated the rest of his succes.  that of course is the magnificent documentary Roger And Me.  But then, you can go buy that one for like eight bucks on DVD these days, and place it next to this collection on your shelf.  So do that.

  The Big One (*******7/10)

Year:  1997
Genre:  Documentary
Country:  United States
Language:  English
Starring:  Michael Moore
Archival appearances and interview subjects:  Bill Clinton, Steve Forbes, Garrison Keillor, Phil Knight, Studs Terkel, Rick Nielsen, dozens of others
Director:  Michael Moore
Run time:  91 minutes

     The Big One is not really a follow-up to Roger & Me, nor is it a documentary like the others in Michael Moore’s canon.  It follows him on his book tour as he goes across the country talking to people who are recently out of work, people who are trying to unionize and people who are generally pissed off at the way they are being treated by huge corporations.  In a sense, it’s a movie about companies that lay off massive amounts of workers while recording record profits.

     But really, it’s just a series of vignettes from a series of towns.  Sometimes it’s Moore speaking, sometimes he’s trying to get in to confront a CEO at a big company, sometimes he’s just jamming with Rick Nielsen of Cheap Trick.  He plays pranks on his handlers.  He jokes with Phil Knight of Nike while trying to convince him to visit his sweat shops in Indonesia.  And he bites the Random House hand that feeds him.  All of it is entertaining, all of it is interesting, but there’s no gigantic statement like those in his other films.

  Bowling For Columbine (**********10/10)

Year:  2002
Genre:  Documentary
Country:  United States
Language:  English
Starring:  Michael Moore
Archival appearances and interview subjects:  George W. Bush, George H. W. Bush, Charlton Heston, Matt Stone, Trey Parker, Marilyn Manson, Dick Clark, Dick Cheney, Chris Rock, Bill Clinton, dozens of others
Director:  Michael Moore
Run time:  120 minutes

     I have a small personal connection to Bowling For Columbine.  There’s a scene where Michael Moore interviews the mayor of Sarnia, just down the road from Windsor and Detroit.  He’s trying to figure out how so many people are killed with guns every year in Detroit, but just across the river in Canada it almost never happens.  During that interview, you can see a little model replica of the Bluenose II, our famous Canadian sailing ship, in the mayor’s office.  I was one of the people who presented the mayor with that replica, while touring Canada with the Bluenose II.  So…that’s neat.  For me.  Probably not for you.

     Anyway, Bowling For Columbine was the movie that solidified Moore as a voice for a country, for a generation and for a cause.  It also was the movie that made him public enemy #1 for a certain right-wing faction of doubters, an animosity that was further fueled and amped-up by his follow-up, Fahrenheit 9/11. 

     This is a documentary that, every time I see it, makes me laugh.  The opening scene, where Moore goes into a bank and walks out with a gun is hilarious.  And scary.  Many other moments in the movie are very funny, and many are very sad.  The security camera footage of the Columbine school attacks never fails to make me cry.  Same goes for the scene of the airplanes flying into the World Trade Centre.  So I laugh, and I cry, and I watch this movie at least once a year.  And it remains as good as ever.

  Fahrenheit 9/11 (**********10/10)

Year:  2004
Genre:  Documentary
Country:  United States
Language:  English
Starring:  Michael Moore
Archival appearances:  George W. Bush, Bill Clinton, Britney Spears, Ben Affleck, Stevie Wonder, Al Gore, Condoleeza Rice, Donald Rumsfeld, George H. W. Bush, Ricky Martin, Saddam Hussein, Osama Bin Laden, Dick Cheney, dozens of others
Director:  Michael Moore
Run time:  122 minutes

     The ultimate indictment of the Bush-Cheney administration, Fahrenheit 9/11 explores the relationship between the Bush family and the Bin Laden family, the relationship between the military and big business, and the relationship between the attacks of 9/11 and the invasion of Iraq.  And of course many other details that are shocking and terribly sad.  If Michael Moore wasn’t already a lightning rod before this movie came out, he became the ultimate polarizing celebrity figure in America once it was released.

     This is the one Moore movie you hear those who hate him reference the most.  This is the proof, they say, that he fudges facts and presents a biased view and that he just hates conservatives and that’s his entire raison d’etre.  Whenever you hear someone say that, ask them one question – have they actually seen the movie?  More often than not, they haven’t.  The logic is usually quite simple.  I refuse to watch anything by that left-wing nutjob!  He’s so awful, I wouldn’t stoop to it!  So…how do you know?

     The truth is, Moore deals in facts.  Yes, they are presented in a certain way, to create a certain opinion.  But they are, nonetheless, facts.  And the facts he presents in Fahrenheit 9/11 are, in no uncertain terms, earthshattering.  No matter how you want to spin them.

  Sicko (*********9/10)

Year:  2007
Genre:  Documentary
Country:  United States
Language:  English
Starring:  Michael Moore
Archival appearances:  George W. Bush, Bill Clinton, Richard Nixon, Hillary Clinton, Billy Crystal, dozens of others
Director:  Michael Moore
Run time:  123 minutes

     Sicko is Michael Moore’s take on the American health care system.  A system which, at the time the movie was made, was broken and disastrous.  Since the movie was released, the Americans have engaged in a massive, knock-down drag-out health care debate that resulted in some serious changes to their system.  Not the monumental, system-altering changes Moore advocates in Sicko, but there has been a start.

     I can’t say how much influence the film had on the debate, or on the health care reform itself.  I could suspect that in the end, it did more to polarize the debate than anything.  Republicans, after all, would be hung in effigy by their base if they were seen to be supporting anything that Michael Moore advocates.  But the film itself changed the minds of millions of people.  And it presented the problems, and the solutions, to the Americans’ health care crisis in a simple, easy to understand and entertaining way.  And what more do you want from a documentary?

  Capitalism: A Love Story (**********10/10)

Year:  2009
Genre:  Documentary
Country:  United States
Language:  English
Starring:  Michael Moore, Wallace Shawn, people of America
Archival appearances:  George W. Bush, Ronald Reagan, Franklin Delano Roosevelt, Bill Clinton, Jimmy Carter, Barack Obama, Barney Frank, Henry Paulson, Timothy Geithner, dozens of others
Director:  Michael Moore
Run time:  120 minutes

     Capitalism: A Love Story is Michael Moore’s finest work.  This is the best film he has ever made.  It is as sad and contemplative as Bowling For Columbine, as angry as Fahrenheit 9/11, and as political as Sicko.  But more than anything, this film is his breakout hit, Roger and Me, writ large.  That movie was done on a small scale – one man trying to get some answers from the boss of GM as Moore’s hometown of Flint, Michigan sputtered and died.  Capitalism takes that same concept and applies it on a much, much larger scale that encompasses all of America, its financial system, and the philosphy of capitalism itself.

     In fact, Capitalism uses some footage from Roger And Me, and Moore returns to several themes from that classic film.  He goes to the GM headquarters again – of course he is turned away once more, 20 years later – but this time he is not going after the big guys.  This time he might actually have some advice for the auto maker, and he just wants to get his advice to the people who need it most.  And of course, at this time, GM is one of the companies which need it the most.

     I have seen a lot of people (Moore himself included) talking about this film before it opened.  And they have all said that it is an indictment of capitalism as a flawed and evil system.  Yes and no.  I didn’t get the sense that Moore wants the entire system of capitalism to be torn down.  I think it’s more of a lament for the old days, and a sad look at the way “capitalism” has become something entirely different than it was one hundred, or seventy, or even thirty years ago.  I certainly think Moore wants the current system to be torn down.  And I think he’s right.  But I don’t necessarily think that the point we’ve reached is the necessary and obvious end result of capitalism itself.

     Instead, Moore presents our current financial situation as the obvious end result of deregulation, of capitalism unrestrained, of a governmental system overrun and essentially taken over by capitalist financial entities who, in many cases, hold more power than the president.  As Moore (and most other people) sees it, this all began with Ronald Reagan in the 80s, as he tore down the regulations that kept banks and Wall Street and others under wraps. 

     Moore doesn’t attempt to explain the financial collapse of the past year.  Well, he does make an attempt, but it’s a pretty half assed one.  Instead, he makes it clear that we’re not supposed to understand.  We’re not supposed to understand credit default swaps and derivatives and all these other terms that have been thrown around all over the news.  It’s like the theory of relativity.  Everyone’s heard of it, 2% of the world has a basic knowledge of what it means and how it works, but there are only about six people alive who really, truly, understand what it’s all about.

     Capitalism features a few of the stunts that made Moore famous.  But it appears that his heart really isn’t into it.  Even that works for this movie though, as he pulls up an armoured car to a series of banks asking for the bailout money back on behalf of the taxpayers.  He wanders about, as though in a daze, making a half-hearted attempt to convince various security guards that he is there to make a citizens’ arrest of the bank CEOs.  More than anything else, in this movie Moore seems to feel as defeated as the rest of his country.  He hates the way things have turned out.  He hates the fact that there is a company that deals only in buying foreclosed homes dirt cheap and selling them at a massive profit.  He hates the fact that major corporations take out life insurance on their employees, without telling them, and then cash in when those employees die.

     Moore hates all of this.  But what is he to do?  The forces that created the climate that created the meltdown are still as strong as ever, living off all that bailout money and laughing all the way to the bank.  The policies which make the richest 1% of Americans worth more than the poorest 95% combined still exist, and the gap is widening every day.  In fact, the richest of the rich are making absolutely certain that this gap widens.  But not just by making more money.  It actually makes them richer when the poor get poorer.  So that’s in their best interests as well. 

     The movie turns around in tone when Moore makes an excellent point – the reason that this gap has been allowed to exist for so many years, and that people have still bought into the system that created that discrepancy, is that people have always thought “that could be me”.  You know, I live in the land of capitalism, the free market, and opportunity.  And that means that even I, a lowly working-class American, could someday be as rich as the guys who run Goldman Sachs.  However, with the recent meltdown of the financial sector, Americans are starting to realize that this carrot on the stick was never really there.  No, in fact.  They can’t ever become that rich.  They will never get there, and they aren’t meant to.

     So Moore talks to some people who have risen up to fight the system.  Workers who barricaded themselves in a window and door shop until the Bank of America paid them what they were owed.  Familes who forced their way back into their empty, abandoned, foreclosed homes and refused to leave.  This is all very good.  It’s hopeful and impassioned and ferocious.  Just like Moore’s movie.  At the end of the movie though, he suggests that all of the people in the theatre (and now, with the DVD release, in their living rooms) rise up as well.  He tells them not to take this any more.  And although Canada is nowhere near as bad as the U.S., this certainly applies to us as well.  I just have no idea how to do that.  What is it I can do to buy out of this system?  How do I fight the system until it comes to get me too?  I would like a few more ideas on that front.  Because after watching Capitalism, I am ready.  I’m totally ready to rise up, and be a part of the solution.  I just need someone to tell me how.

Year:  2001, 2002
Genre:  Sci-Fi, TV series
Country:  Canada
Language:  English
Starring:  Robert Leeshock, Von Flores, Anita La Selva, Jane Heitmeyer, Kevin Kilner, Melinda Deines, Guylaine St-Onge, Alan Van Sprang, Helen Taylor
Eye candy:  Heitmeyer, St-Onge, Deines, Taylor, La Selva
Creator:  Gene Roddenberry
Run time:  15 hours, 46 minutes
DVD distributor:  Alliance Films

     Season Five of Earth: Final Conflict is the best one yet.  Which means that it’s passable.  The Taelon aliens are basically gone after Season Four, so they have to be replaced by aliens called Atavus.  The Atavus are bent on destroying all of humanity, so the “conflict” part of the show is pretty cut and dried.

     The Atavus, you see, are animalistic aliens.  You can tell because they punctuate every sentence with guttural sounds and growls.  That’s also how you can tell they’re evil.  They apparently want to have sex with everyone, all the time, and they demonstrate this by licking their lips and looking women up and down a lot.  At least they don’t talk like the Taelons, with that faux-soothing obnoxious voice. 

     As well as replacing aliens, the show also replaced its male lead, again, in the fifth season.  This time, it’s Dean McDermott, in his pre-Tori Spelling days.  Really, they keep replacing these actors because Jane Heitmeyer gets tired of making out with just one guy.  It’s in her contract.  But at the end of the season it looks like they’re going back to the guy who was the star of season four.  It doesn’t really matter either way.  This show is still not very good.  But it appears to be getting better.  Oh.  Never mind.  It’s over.

Years:  2001, 2002
Genre:  Sci-Fi, TV series
Country:  Canada, United States
Language:  English
Guest stars:  Tom Arnold, Michael Rooker, Tanya Allen, Jeremy Sisto, Sherilyn Fenn, Cameron Daddo, Zachery Ty Bryan, Gabrielle Miller, Zack Ward, Kim Coates, Jeremy London, Dennis Haysbert, Jonathon Schaech, Kerr Smith
Eye candy:  Catherine Mary Stewart, Kimberly Warnat, Allen, Michelle Beaudoin, Fenn, Irene Bedard, Helene Joy, Meghan Ory, Crystal Buble, Gabrielle Miller
Run time:  16 hours, 45 minutes
DVD distributor:  Alliance Films

     The Seventh Season of The Outer Limits is the last one, the show ended in 2002.  As the final season of the show, it’s a little disappointing.  The guest stars are just not of the caliber as those of earlier seasons.  This is a show that got Alyssa Milano naked!  A show that featured Ryan Reynolds and Cynthia Nixon before they were famous!  Joe Pantoliano!  Ralph Macchio!  Marcia Cross!  Daphne Zuniga!  OK, I’m really stretching!

     But I’m also really stretching when I list this season’s guest “stars”.  Really, the biggest name is Tom Arnold?  Who’s barely in the first episode?  Who else is there?  Jeremy London?  There’s also Zachery Ty Bryan, who was the oldest kid on Home Improvement.  I think.  And Kim Coates, who I like, but who’s most famous for the six episodes of CSI:Miami in which he appeared.  And the six episodes of Prison Break in which he appeared.  The most recognizeable face here could be Gabrielle Miller, who is the incredibly hot actress who played Lacey on Corner Gas.  Love that woman.

     The episodes are still interesting – but the show had really run its course by the end of the fifth season.  There’s not much left to do here, and the episodes feel repetitive (especially if you’ve recently watched the first six seasons, as I have).  The episode where the kids (the Home Improvement kid included) get abducted from their classroom and sentenced to execution by some giant alien is very, very similar to the episode a few seasons ago where the entire town gets abducted by aliens and is forced to vote to decide their fate – and the fate of all mankind.  Each episode has that ring of familiarity, because at least a portion of each HAS, in fact, been done before by this series.

     I still like The Outer Limits.  I’m glad to have Season Seven, because I’m a completist and I now have all seven.  And I’ll probably revisit all of these in a few years, and when I do I’ll start at Season Seven and work backward.  That way, I’ll have a fresh take on Season Seven, as though these are the original episodes.  And I’ll probably like them a lot more.  But for now, the box sets have been released in way too quick a succession.  Season Seven is the last release, out October 5th from Alliance Films.

Year:  2002
Genre:  Horror
Country:  United States
Language:  English
Starring:  Kevin Zegers, Jesse James, Linda Purl, Charles Powell, Rachel Skarsten
Eye candy:  Skarsten
Director:  Lance W. Dreesen
Run time:  86 minutes
DVD distributor:  Alliance Films

     Rachel Skarsten is a major piece of eye candy.  She is sensational, and a pretty good actress too.  Too bad she’s only in Fear of the Dark for about ten minutes.  Linda Purl and Charles Powell are decent too.  I think.  But they’re only in the movie for about ten minutes also.  The other 66 minutes of the film are just Kevin Zegers and Jesse James (no, not that Jesse James) being afraid of the dark.

     James is a 12-year-old boy who is terrified of the dark.  He knows there are things lurking there, things that want to hurt him and eat him and all that.  His brother, and the rest of his family, are skeptical.  Of course.  When his parents finally, for the first time in years, leave the house for the night, his older brother (Zegers) will discover that maybe those things in the dark are real after all.

     Of course, the one night when the parents leave, all worried about leaving their neurotic weirdo terrified-of-the-dark kid by himself with his brother, is the one night where there’s a giant storm and the lights all go out.  Wouldn’t you think that parents who are really, really worried about their kid being home without lights would rush home quickly in the event of a city-wide blackout?  Like, if my kid had an irrational and dangerous fear of bees, I would probably rush home if the killer bees finally showed up.  Probably.

     At any rate, Zegers and James are decent together, but they aren’t given much to do.  And Skarsten, Zegers’ girlfriend, is gone the whole time.  Of course, SHE comes to the rescue near the end of the movie – does SHE really care more than the parents?  Either way, she’s just there to provide the cop-out ending, wrap things up in a neat little package, and bring the whole thing to a close.  A close that could have come 60 minutes sooner.

Year:  2002, 2003
Genre:  Sci-Fi, TV series
Country:  United States
Language:  English
Starring:  Kevin Sorbo, Laura Bertram, Lisa Ryder, Keith Hamilton Cobb, Gordon Michael Woolvett, Lexa Doig
Eye candy:  Bertram, Ryder, Doig
Crea0tor:  Gene Roddenberry
Run time:  15 hours, 46 minutes
DVD distributor:  Alliance Films

     Perhaps the most amazing thing about Season Three of Andromeda, on DVD September 14th from Alliance Films, is that the people involved in the show apparently never watched Seasons One and Two.  The Andromeda (these shows are always named after the ship…or vice versa) is now constantly being called the “most powerful ship in the universe”.  In the first two seasons, the ship was several hundred years old.

     This requires a huge leap in logic – even if I can suspend my disbelief to the point where I accept that the pace of new technologies and sciences in the distant future has slowed to a crawl, it’s still a stretch to think that over the course of several hundred years, no one has been able to improve upon what must be the cutting edge of science – space travel.  Am I to assume that all the scientists managed to cnoquer space and time, create time travel and space travel, and then just stopped?  Focussing their energy and brainpower on a more efficient lime juicer?

     Even if I could wrap my brain around that one, I would still find it hard to believe that a ship hanging around for a few hundred years has not suffered from substantial wear and tear.  Is planned obsolecence a thing of the past in the future?  In that case, we’re gonna make tremendous advancement as a civilization!

     But it isn’t just the inconsistent descriptions of the ship – there’s also Trance (Laura Bertram) who appears to be an entirely different character this season.  There’s the elite team of soldiers who shows up to help then disappears then reappears again as though they had been entirely forgotten for an episode or two.  And there’s always Kevin Sorbo, who doesn’t make sense at the best of times.  Skip it!

Year:  2002, 2003
Genre:  TV series, Lawyer, Drama
Country:  United States
Languages:  English
Starring:  Simon Baker, Dabney Coleman, Raphael Sbarge, Alan Rosenberg, Wendy Moniz, Amanda Michalka
Guest star:  Farrah Fawcett, Will Ferrell
Creator:  David Hollander
Run time:  17 hours, 9 minutes
DVD distributor:  Paramount Home Entertainment

     The Guardian was never very good.  It was a decent lawyer show where the central character was fighting his drug demons and everyone around him was getting into trouble all the time.  But it was never more than lip service when it came to the gritty details surrounding the slick lawyer drama at the centre of it all.  I really like Simon Baker, and I think he’s a great actor to have as the star of a show, but he belongs to The Mentalist far more than he ever did to The Guardian.  This show was just a way to pass the time.

     In the second season of The Guardian, out September 7th from Paramount Home Entertainment, the season opens with Nick (Baker) being arrested for killing a stripper.  Of course we know he didn’t really mean to kill her, and that it was an accident, and that he’ll get off and go back to practicing law right away, likely by episode two.  (As it turns out, it IS by episode two!)  I thought only politicians in comedies killed strippers.  I guess Nick Fallin does too.  By accident though.  The stripper’s mom (Farrah Fawcett) and daughter (Amanda Michalka) become characters throughout the season.  Now there’s an old-person romance going on, AND a little girl that needs to be protected and cared for!

     And the show goes on.  And on, and on, and so forth.  Eventually, it gets to the final episode.  And then – out of nowhere, one of the biggest guest stars I have ever seen on an episode of anything appears!  Normally guest stars are about as big as…well…Farrah Fawcett.  But Will Ferrell?  Will Ferrell!  As a rival lawyer on the final episode of Season Two of The Guardian!  Then again, you have to think this appearance was booked in 2003, when Ferrell wasn’t exactly a gigantic star like he is today.  He had just come off Zoolander, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back and Boat Trip.  He was in the middle of Old School and Elf, the two movies that really launched him to superstardom.  And this was just before Anchorman.

     Anyway, Will Ferrell or no Will Ferrell, this show remains generic, paying lip service to grittiness and the underbelly of society while remaining a formulaic lawyer show.  And Season Two is no better than Season One.

Year:  1999
Genre:  Comedy
Countries:  France, Germany, Italy
Language:  French
Starring:  Christian Clavier, Gerard Depardieu, Laetitia Casta, Roberto Benigni
Director:  Claude Zidi
Run time:  109 minutes
DVD distributor:  Alliance Films

     When I was a kid, I loved Asterix and Obelix. I would go to the library and borrow every single one of those giant, hardcover, oversized comic books. In fact, most of the reason I still have the ability to speak and understand French today is thanks to Asterix et Obelix, Gaston La Gaffe, Lucky Luke, and a host of other French-language comic books aimed directly at very young children. In 1999, this comic book, beloved in France, was turned into a massive live action movie starring some of the biggest names in French films, including Gerard Depardieu as Obelix. Asterix et Obelix Contre Cesar comes to DVD in in a box set with Jeux Olympiques and Mission Cleopatre from Alliance Films. It has no English subtitles, and no English dubbing, so unless you speak French, steer clear.

     For those of you (and I’m sure there are a few) who are unfamiliar with the story of Asterix and Obelix, they are Gauls, who live in a little village in the heart of the Roman Empire. The Romans have managed to conquer the rest of the known world, but for some reason this little village continues to resist their rule. It’s all thanks to the “magic potion” brewed by the village’s resident druid, Panoramix. This potion gives anyone who drinks it superhuman strength, and the village has been using it to fend off the Romans for years. Asterix is the leader of the Gaul warriors, a clever and cunning fellow, and Obelix is his big fat best friend. Asterix et Obelix Contre Cesar remains true to the comics. Very true.

     In fact, much too true. That’s the biggest problem with this film. Obelix has a crush on the girl, so he moons over her – just like in the comic book. Obelix eats a lot – just like in the comic book. He keeps trying to drink the magic potion, even though he doesn’t need it – just like in the comic book. All of this made for some very entertaining comics, but not so much entertaining film. This is a kids’ movie though, and the kids will like it when the romans get punched out of their armour. The best thing here is that the French is very simple, and the films are also so wild and cartoonish that you really don’t need the dialogue to explain everything. My kids enjoyed both Asterix and Obelix movies that came out today, even though their command of the language is suspect at best. The film is not great. It’s only sort-of good. But it’s simple, the kids will like it, it will help them with their French, and Laetitia Casta is hot. So it’s worth your while in some way.

Year:  2002
Genre:  Comedy
Countries:  France, Germany
Language:  French
Starring:  Christian Clavier, Gerard Depardieu, Monica Bellucci, Jamel Debbouze
Director:  Alain Chabat
Run time:  105 minutes
DVD distributor:  Alliance Films

     These Asterix et Obelix movies are impressive films. A massive cast, some of the most well-known actors in the world, and a seemingly limitless budget for what are, in many ways, modest movies. Asterix et Obelix: Mission Cleopatre is no exception. In fact, this movie is the most expensive movie ever made in France. Gerard Depardieu and Christian Clavier return as the titular heroes, and Monica Bellucci shows up as the titular heroine. I think I can safely make this proclamation right now. Never, in the history of children’s movies, has there been a sexier, hotter, more ridiculously smoldering character. France is a little different than North America, you see.

     North America would never have made this movie. In France, however, they make movies like this one. Monica Bellucci, possibly the most magnificent, gorgeous specimen of womanhood on movie screens the world over, is Cleopatra. She wears different, opulent, clothes in every scene. Sometimes those clothes are see-through. Other times, they manage to reveal everything but nipple. And still other times, there are gratuitous (but welcome) shots of the top of her ass crack. How often do you get to see something so glorious in a kids’ movie? In my memory, never. In fact, not only is Monica Bellucci the hottest women ever to appear in a kids’ movie, she is also the hottest Cleopatra of all time. Elizabeth Taylor was awfully close in 1963, but in 1963 she wasn’t wearing anything like this.

     Once again, with this film, there are no English subtitles or English dubbing, which means that unless you speak French there will be a significant language barrier. However, the actions and plot are so cartoonish that you may be able to figure it out anyway. At the end, one question was answered for me. I wondered why, in the first movie, Caesar was played by Gottfried John, and in this film he’s played by the director, Alain Chabat. Well, he gets to seriously make out with Monica Bellucci. I think I may have cast myself as Caesar were I the director in this case as well. It turns out that this is the plum role in the film. Just like Asterix et Obelix Contre Cesar, the kids will like this movie, it will help them with their French, and there is eye candy for the dads.

Year:  2008
Genre:  Comedy
Countries:  France, Belgium, Spain, Italy, Germany
Language:  French
Starring:  Gerard Depardieu, Clovis Cornillac, Benoit Poelvoorde, Alain Delon, Zinedine Zidane
Directors:  Thomas Langmann, Frederic Forestier
Run time:  117 minutes
DVD distributor:  Alliance Films

     This DVD is a little different than the earlier Asterix DVDs, in that it is available with English subtitles and, should you want it, English dubbing. The first two Asterix et Obelix DVDs were in French only, but this one gets the English additions for the Canadian market. Also new is the guy playing Asterix himself. Gone is Christian Clavier, who played the character in the first two films, replaced by Clovis Cornillac. Perhaps they already had the dressing room for Asterix outfitted with monogrammed towels, and they needed to find someone with the same initials to save some money. Because frankly, Cornillac is not the Asterix I have come to expect. Clavier was expressive, with a twitchy moustache and wide-eyed excitement. Cornillac is more of a preener, striking poses and looking bemused at his would-be opponents, like a French version of Cary Elwes. Not the same. Not cool.

     Gerard Depardieu, however, returns in the role of Obelix, the beachball-shaped strongman who usually plays second-fiddle to Asterix. Although in this film, Asterix is given very little to actually do, and Obelix gets more face time. The real star of the film, however, is Stephane Rousseau as Alafolix, a Gaul who is in love with Princess Irina. She is portrayed, as is often the case in these movies, by a supermodel. This time the supermodel is the mouthwatering Vanessa Hessler, who has little to do except look extremely hot. And she does that very well. Once again, there is a new actor playing the druid Panoramix – this time it is Jean-Pierre Cassel, in his final film role. For the third time there is a new Julius Caesar, this time played by Alain Delon.

     The basic plot of the film is that Princess Irina has decided she will marry the Winner Of The Olympics. How one guy can win the Olympics, and by extension the hand of Vanessa Hessler, is never clearly explained. Asterix and Obelix, with their super-strength and magic potion, are clearly winning all the events, which would lead me to believe that were the princess to honour her commitment, she would have to enter into a three-way relationship with the small mustachioed guy in the Viking helmet and the big fat hungry guy with Pippi Longstocking braids. I think I saw that in an adult film once, but how it would work here is unclear. It seems that everyone involved here has accepted the fact that if the Gauls win, Alafolix by extension wins, and he gets to marry the hot chick. However, if the Romans win, she will be forced to marry the unpleasant, devious and idiotic Brutus, son of Julius Caesar.

     There are, as usual, some strange subplots. One involves Brutus constantly trying to knock off his old man, Caesar, which is a series of plots that meet with a Wile-E-Coyote level success rate. Another involves the Romans’ star athlete, a guy named (I think) Gluteus Maximus. Near the beginning of the movie, there is a rather unsettling scene where this big, muscular, athletic guy is sprinting through the forest and runs past Asterix and Obelix. Curious, the Gauls chase after him to find out why he is running so fast. They never really find out why, but still end up crushing him with a tree and then they beat the hell out of him. He wasn’t hurting anyone – this poor guy’s just out training. For the Olympics! They could have left him alone, you would think. I mean, sure, he bumped into Obelix a little bit as he sprinted by, but isn’t this reaction a little extreme? This makes Asterix and Obelix look like those muscle-guys in the bar who are looking for a fight every time someone jostles their elbow. Not cool, guys.

     Also a little unsettling is the use of the magic strength potion to win the Olympics. After all, what kind of message does this send to kids? This movie is clearly created for children, then suggests that steroids are not such a bad idea? They call attention to this, administering a breathalyser test to the athletes and disqualifying Asterix and Obelix. But they are the heroes of the piece, and they laugh at the idea that the Romans have to cheat by banning them. But – they are using the potion! They are the cheaters! They should be banned! The Olympics appear to be held in Greece, which is historically accurate. Greece appears to be a part of the Roman Empire. Which is not historically accurate. They are clearly making a reference to the rock band Rolling Stones, but they say “Les Pierres Qui Roulent”. A lot of this doesn’t make sense.

     Like the other two films in this series, Asterix at the Olympic Games features numerous references to other movies. Star Wars, Ben-Hur, and so forth. Most of these are distracting and pointless, but one stands out. There is a moment where Gerard Depardieu, as Obelix, whispers love poems to the love-struck Alafolix as he stands under Princess Irina’s window. It’s an obvious reference to Cyrano De Bergerac, a movie in which Depardieu plays the icon of unrequited love who whispers love poems from the bushes. Then he does the same for his dog Idefix, who falls in love with the princess’ dog. And that gets pretty stupid.

     I like the way these movies are shot. I like the fact that they are colourful, the costumes are terrific, and yet you never forget you are watching a cartoon brought to live-action on the screen. But I think the biggest problem with the movies is the fact that (for France) they are big-budget. And when a film has a budget this big, film makers seem to think that the only way to truly justify that is to throw in as much stuff as they can, using up their resources and money. Which leads to subplots about dogs in love, inventions to kill Caesar, and a half-hour of unnecessary crap between the announcement of the climactic chariot race and the beginning of that race itself. Asterix At The Olympic Games is almost two hours long, but it should be about 80 minutes. That’s all the real content there is. We get it. Obelix is strong, Princess Irina is hot, the Roman guy is evil and stupid, now get on with the movie.

     The best thing about the movie (other than the hotness of Vanessa Hessler) is actually the English dubbing and the English subtitles. How the English could be so strange and badly done here, I have no idea. But it’s hilarious! The hero of the story, Alafolix, gets his name changed to “Lovesix”. The king of Greece is named Samagas. In the English dubbing, this translates to something that sounds like “Boogerpus”. And the English subtitles to the scene call him “Obnoxious”. As though that is his name. Wouldn’t the single easiest thing to translate in a movie be the names of the characters? Even changing their names to things like “Jim”, or “Ted” would make SOME sense, if you wanted English audiences to see names they recognized. But why change a Latin name to something more incomprehensible? It’s pretty strange. And pretty funny.

     There are some things that make Asterix At The Olympic Games worthwhile. The always-amusing Depardieu, the colourful, vibrant filming and set design, the gorgeous Vanessa Hessler. And of course the hilarious subtitles and some fun cartoon violence. But there are an equal number of things that make this film sag. The useless subplots, the overly long interludes between the action, and the questionable messages for children – steroid use, bar-brawl bullying, and attempted patricide. I’ll leave it up to you and split the difference in my review. With one extra star for the fact that it’s a great way to help your kids learn French.

Year:  2002
Genre:  Drama, Gangster
Country:  United States
Language:  English
Starring:  Tom Hanks, Paul Newman, Jude Law, Jennifer Jason Leigh, Stanley Tucci, Daniel Craig, Ciaran Hinds, Tyler Hoechlin, Liam Aiken
Director:  Sam Mendes
Run time:  116 minutes
DVD distributor:  Paramount Home Entertainment

     I won’t go into a long diatribe about Road To Perdition.  It’s out on Blu-Ray now, and you’ve either seen it or you haven’t.  You either own it or you don’t.  What I’ll do here is ask you to consider watching it if you haven’t, or buying it if it is not already on your shelf.  No point in upgrading from regular DVD to Blu-Ray, but Blu-Ray is a nice option now.  So that’s it.  Rent it, purchase it, order it, just watch it.  Here’s why.

     Tom Hanks never misses, but Road To Perdition is by far his most underrated movie.  Jude Law is good, but he has never been better than he was in this film.  And Paul Newman is the cherry on top of the already outstanding cast, which includes Stanley Tucci, Jennifer Jason Leigh, and a pre-Bond Daniel Craig.  This was Newman’s last real starring role in a movie, (except for a little voicework here and there), and that might be a good enough reason to see it.  I have seen every Tom Hanks movie and there are about five I can do without.  (Angels & Demons being the most recent one.)  I have also seen every Paul Newman movie.  Of those, there are none I can do without.  Even the worst Paul Newman movies still star Paul Newman!  And this was his last one.  So watch it.

[youtube  h7E4wLnHErk]

Years:  2002, 2003
Genre:  TV series, Comedy
Country:  United States
Language:  English
Starring:  Melissa Joan Hart, Beth Broderick, Caroline Rhea, Soleil Moon Frye, Elisa Donovan, Trevor Lissauer
Creator:  Nell Scovell
Run time:  8 hours
DVD distributor:  Paramount Home Entertainment

     Yes, I just totally gave away the ending of Sabrina The Teenage Witch with the video clip I included above.  That’s because I think the end is irrelevant but telling.  This TV show ends with a Big Decision – am I going to pick the guy who has been my nice-guy steady boyfriend for this entire final season, or am I going to pick the actor who has been my nice-guy steady boyfriend throughout this whole show?  (And as such is more familiar to the audience.)  And of course, just making that decision is not dramatic enough for a series finale.  No, there has to be a good old fashioned alter-jilting!  How innovative!

     If this were a dreadful soap opera, this could be forgiven.  In fact, were it a dreadful soap opera, the finale might even have been more interesting.  It might have involved a baby and a paternity test and – gasp – a murderer finally revealed!  Or something.  But Sabrina The Teenage Witch was no dreadful soap opera.  Instead, it was a dreadfully half-assed television show which passed its expiry date sometime between the end of Season Two and the beginning of Season Four.  This, Final season, was the seventh.  No one cared any more.  For the first three seasons, this was the 41st-ranked television show in America.  For the last four, it slipped steadily until it closed at #146.  Which means that at least eleven people watched this dramatic alter-jilting final episode.

     How sad.  I like many of the people on this show.  I enjoy Caroline Rhea, I think Melissa Joan Hart is charming and pretty, and I think Soleil Moon Frye is crazy hot and a fine actress.  But they are given absolutely nothing to do.  The talking cat gets awful, awful lines, but they are still better than most of the writing for the other characters.  The two guys between whom Sabrina must decide may as well be cardboard cutouts, with their involvement in the show basically being restricted to standing around while she looks at them.  I have no idea why she agrees to marry this incredibly boring Aaron Jacobs fellow.  Choosing him for a husband is like choosing a boiled potato as a meal in a restaurant.

     And the other guy, Harvey, has been around for seven seasons without once showing any kind of personality, that would explain why Sabrina spent seven years smitten with him.  He’s not a boiled potato, but he IS Kraft Dinner.  Been around a long time, tastes familiar, still boring as hell.  Imagine spending eight hours watching someone choose between eating a boiled potato and eating Kraft Dinner.  That’s Season Seven of Sabrina The Teenage Witch, the final season, which comes out July 27th from Paramount Home Entertainment.  You’ll understand why this series had to end.

Years:  2001, 2002
Genre:  TV series, Comedy
Country:  United States
Language:  English
Starring:  Melissa Joan Hart, Beth Broderick, Caroline Rhea, Soleil Moon Frye, Elisa Donovan, Trevor Lissauer
Creator:  Nell Scovell
DVD distributor:  Paramount Home Entertainment

     I like the cast of Sabrina: The Teenage Witch, in that they’re all reasonably attractive and decent actors and did an OK job.  So I decided to see where they all are now.  For your edification, Sabrina fans:

     Melissa Joan Hart (Sabrina) is still getting work.  Mostly appearing in made-for-TV movies about Christmas.  Look for Holiday In Handcuffs 2 to be coming to a TV near you soon.  Or in Britain.  Following closely on the massive success of Holiday In Handcuffs (1). 

     Caroline Rhea (Hilda) is a comic from Montreal who still does comedy stuff.  She does voice work and will soon be appearing in a show called Two Dreadful Children.  Beth Broderick (Zelda) does the occasional guest spot on TV, most notably for a short while on Lost.  But that’s done now.  Soleil Moon Frye recently did the voice of one of the Bratz on television, and directed the not-much-seen movie Sonny Boy.

     So there you go.  You are now caught up with the only characters on Sabrina I cared about, and I don’t care about any of them enough to seek out their current work.  Season Six (out March 23rd from Paramount Home Entertainment) is pretty much the same as Season Five and Four and Three, in that it’s annoying and not terribly interesting.  The cast is decent, but none of them are good enough that it surprises me that I no longer know what they’re doing.

Year:  2002
Genre:  Fantasy, Science Fiction
Country:  United States
Language:  English
Starring:  Katie Carr, Wentworth Miller, Tyron Leitso, Jim Carter, David Thewlis, Stuart Wilson, Alice Krige, Zienia Merton, Christian Simpson
Voices:  Lee Evans, Terry Jones
Eye candy:  Katie Carr (see above picture), Hannah Yelland
Directors:  Marco Brambilla, David Winning
Run time:  240 minutes

     I don’t normally take issue with other reviewers of movies, or their quotes on DVD covers.  But the quote on the DVD cover of Dinotopia absolutely blew me away.  “Move over Spider-Man and Star Wars Episode II!  As Shakespeare would say…a hit!  A palpable hit!”  Umm…what?  This is so weird on so many levels.  First of all, it’s a positive review of a bothersomely bad product.  But to reference Star Wars Episode II?  Of all things?  Alongside Spider-Man?  And then to sort-of-half quote Shakespeare?

     I guess what I’m saying is – don’t be fooled by the critic-quotes on the DVD cover.  They are misleading.  Palpably misleading!  I was not a big fan of Spider-Man, and Star Wars Episode II really sucked.  But to compare this miniseries with those two movies is bonkers at best.  The special effects are entirely different.  Dinotopia is not one of those blockbuster big-action computer-generated animated movies.  Actually, the animation in Dinotopia is quite good – but it’s quaint and old-school in comparison.

     The animation is likely the very best part of Dinotopia.  It’s done by Jim Henson’s Creature Shop, and it’s charming and nice.  The talking dinosaurs have a very muppet-ish quality to them, and the best character in the miniseries is the neurotic stenonychosaurus Zippo (voiced by Lee Evans).  Although most of the dinosaurs can speak English, apparently, he is the only one who actually does.

     Perhaps, however, the fact that a dinosaur is the best character in the film is less a tribute to the quality animation and more a comment on the acting and the direction.  The human characters in Dinotopia are positively awful.  How Wentworth Miller went on to become a star (Prison Break and so forth) after doing this garbage is beyond me.  As David Scott, one of two brothers marooned on this lost island of dinosaurs, he is positively irritating, with no charm, no apparent redeeming qualities and no believability whatsoever.

     Worse than Miller, however, are his co-stars.  As his brother Karl, Tyron Leitso is one of the most unconvincing actors I have seen outside 2000 Flushes commercials.  He is supposed to be rebellious and skeptical and vaguely badass.  Instead he is soggy cardboard.  One especially painful scene, involving the lyrics to “Bohemian Rhapsody”, makes it quite clear that he has no idea how a rebellious loner might actually behave in the real world, let alone in the fake world of dinosaurs.  (You can now see Leitso, much improved, on the TV show Being Erica.)

     And then there’s Katie Carr.  She clearly got better with age, as is evidenced by her appearance in six episodes of Heroes in 2007 (you might remember her as “Caitlin”).  Not only did she get better as an actor, she got much hotter as well.  This is why I included a picture of her from Heroes and not from Dinotopia, where she looked more like an extra from Road To Avonlea than an unattainable Dinosaur World Princess.

     The actors, however, aren’t nearly as big a problem as the story.  It’s just so…lame!  The series was produced by Hallmark, which should be a pretty big indocator of the schmaltz to come, but it would have been nice if there had been even a small edge to the film.  The brothers are stranded when their plane crashes near this undiscovered island, and their father goes down with the plane to the bottom of the sea.  At first I thought that was a pretty interesting way to open the series, with the death of a family member.

     But it soon became clear to me that this wasn’t an interesting or difficult series, the kind that would allow a character to die.  And I knew it was only a matter of time before the father would be rediscovered, safe and sound, in some schmaltzy reunion sort of way.  And so it was.  (See clip above.)  The brothers start fighting a little – dad never loved me like he loved you – but then they stop and it’s forgotten.  Then they fight again when it helps the plot.

     There appears to be some tension over the girl.  Which brother gets her?  Do they both love her?  Does she love them?  Does anyone care?  And then…nothing.  No difficult decision must be made, no difficult talk must be had, no painful rejection or sad tale of unrequited love.  Just more stuff with dinosaurs and a sneaky scientist.  And so goes the miniseries.  I like Dinotopia for the dinosaurs, and it still looks terrific after eight years.  But I just can’t get over the colossal, pervasive and glaringly obvious lack of balls.

“You men sure will be boys.”

Year:  2001, 2002
Genre:  TV series, Lawyer, Drama
Country:  United States
Languages:  English
Starring:  Simon Baker, Dabney Coleman, Raphael Sbarge, Alan Rosenberg, Erica Leerhsen, Wendy Moniz
Creator:  David Hollander
Run time:  16 hours 12 minutes
DVD distributor:  Paramount Home Entertainment
DVD extras:  CBS series launch promos

     Simon Baker is pretty darn good.  He has had an extensive television career, in series such as The Mentalist and The Guardian.  And he is always compelling and charming and solid, and his Nick Fallin character is no exception.  The rest of the cast of The Guardian was pretty good too, especially Dabney Coleman as Nick’s father Burton.  In The Guardian, Nick works at his father’s law firm, as a high-end, big money lawyer for corporate clients.  But he is given 1,500 hours of community service after some kind of unidentified, unspecified drug bust, and he goes to work for Legal Services of Pittsburgh.  And he finds a world he never contemplated, and grows as a result…and blah blah blah.

     This all happens very quickly.  In the pilot episode, Nick goes to work for Legal Services and doesn’t really know what he’s doing because he’s never been an attorney in court in this way, and so on and so forth.  He takes the case of a young boy who just witnessed the murder of his mother by his father.  He is now sucked in, and wants to do good, and appears to have changed entirely right in the first episode.  In the second episode (a continuation of the first) he blends his profitable business with his community service, suing a pharmaceutical company on behalf of the boy and his father.  It seems like a conflict of interest, but little comes of that.  He’s just a good lawyer, and that’s all there is to it.

     In the third episode, Fallin tries to find a guy who slept with a prostitute twelve years earlier so he can determine the paternity of a boy and collect back child support.  At no point in the show does anyone question whether that is even possible.  Can a john really pay child support for a child he had with a hooker?  I guess so – no one seems to ask any questions at all about it.  The ethics of this are questionable at best.  But no one questions them.  No one even asks for a paternity test.  Wouldn’t you?  I mean, she’s a hooker.  I would suggest that paternity might be a serious question in this situation.  But everything just seems to work out, because Fallin’s just that good a guy.  And that good a lawyer.

     There are some decent moments as the series goes on – a brief mention is made about a homosexual kid and why he can’t get placed with gay foster parents.  There are revelations about Nick’s father, and his background with labour relations.  There are kids who are lying about being raped and women who trick Nick into representing them.  Parents who hate their gay children, and crack addicts who take babies hostage.  Sometimes it’s totally obvious, other times it’s totally contrived, but Simon Baker makes it consistently watchable.  That doesn’t make it great, but it makes it good enough to see.  The Guardian, Season One comes out on DVD October 27th from Paramount Home Entertainment.