Year:  2011
Genre:  TV series, ”Reality“, Garbage
Country:  United States
Language:  English
Starring:  The worst people in the world
DVD distributor:  Paramount Home Entertainment

     Jersey Shore is much like Pirates of the Carribean and Transformers.  Not in the sense that it’s a giant action blockbuster with a multi-billion dollar budget, but in the sense that it continues to exist and churn out a product despite being devoid of all value.  And in the sense that it will continue to churn out that product as long as nimrods continue to watch.

     Paramount Home Entertainment releases Season Three of Jersey Shore on July 26^th.  It’s pretty much the same as the first two seasons of Jersey Shore.  The seven usual morons (minus Angelina who never stuck around for a full season anyway) are back in the same house they occupied in Season One, working at the same T-shirt shop for no discernible reason. 

     This time they are joined by an eighth moron, a slutty drunk in the same mold as Snookie (they’re BFFs, you see – except for that other girl who is also Snookie’s BFF, and J-Wow who is Deena’s new BFF and some other BFFs through in.  I think they misunderstand the acronym, which stands for BEST friends FOREVER, not BOILERPLATE friend FOR NOW.)

     They get drunk and fight and yell and have sex with people.  Ronnie and Sammy continue their frighteningly abusive and borderline psychotic on-and-off relationship.  The guys are despicably mean to all the girls they bring over, but continue to get those girls because now they are famous and a lot of really stupid girls will do anything to sleep with famous people. 

     The girls get drunk and sloppy and screw off on work at the T-shirt shop, which makes sense because who cares if they have a job, they’re rich now anyway.  (Although the show is of course careful never to mention the fact that they’re filthy rich.  that would ruin the illusion that they’re real people.)

     I just learned yesterday that a study shows Jersey Shore is not affecting public perception of people from New Jersey.  Which indicates to me that people must have had an awfully low opinion of New Jersey residents already.  Did we all already think that residents of New Jersey were soulless drunken muscular six-foot-tall stacks of hair gel covered in fake tan and filled with spider venom?  Goodness.  I feel for you, Jersey!  Maybe the Real Housewives had something to do with it…but they weren’t mentioned in the study.

     And still people watch this show.  Almost 9 million people watched each episode of season three.  I guess that still leaves this show far behind Transformers and Pirates of the Carribean in the money department.  Maybe a more apt comparison would be to the Friday the 13th film series.  Someone somewhere keeps making more Jason movies, even though they are devoid of purpose or value.  And people keep watching the Jason movies, and it will never, ever DIE!  Jersey Shore is the reality-TV version of interminable horror movies.  Both scare me equally.

     By the way, I am fully aware of the fact that, by writing and publishing this review OF Jersey Shore, I am just as responsible as those who watch it on television.  In fact, possibly MORE responsible, since now when you google “Jersey Shore” you get 65 million and ONE results, instead of just 65 million.  I won’t lie.  I do hate this show.  I do hope it goes away.  But it’s a heck of a lot of fun to write something so negative.  So thank you, Jersey Shore, for at least providing me with the opportunity to do this.

Year:  2011
Genre:  Comedy, Cartoon, Kids, Western
Country:  United States
Language:  English
Starring (voices):  Johnny Depp, Bill Nighy, Isla Fisher, Timothy Olyphant, Abigail Breslin, Ned Beatty, Alfred Molina, Ray Winstone, Stephen Root, Harry Dean Stanton
Director:  Gore Verbinski
DVD distributor:  Paramount Home Entertainment

     Paramount Home Entertainment releases Rango on July 15th.  It’s an animated kids’ film where Johnny Depp voices Rango, a pet chameleon who ends up stranded in the middle of a western movie in the desert.  It’s a wonderful little movie which conjures up images (and pays tribute to) of some of the greatest western movies ever made, specifically Clint Eastwood spaghetti westerns.

     Although the chameleon’s name is Rango, that’s just the name he chooses for himself when he’s put on the spot.  Really, as a pet owned by some family, he has never left his tank, and has never been given a name at all.  And in this way, he recalls the Man With No Name from A Fistful Of Dollars and The Good The Bad And The Ugly.  In fact, there is a character that is clearly meant to be Clint Eastwood AS the “Man With No Name”, who shows up at the end of the movie, voiced by Timothy Olyphant. 

     There are other movie references, most of which will be WAY over the heads of most of the children at whom the movie is mostly aimed.  Some are to other Johnny Depp movies, including one hilarious and pitch-perfect allusion to Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas.  Not a lot of kids have seen Fear And Loathing. 

     Despite the little moments that reference other films, Rango is a true western, through and through.  The chameleon ends up in a desert town populated by birds and toads and other desert creatures.  They carry six-guns and ride roadrunners.  It’s a tough town, and Rango must be tough to survive.  Fancying himself a Shakespearean actor, he pulls off a tough guy routine so well that he gets elected sherriff.  Now he must battle a whole bunch of bad guys in a quest to find out who’s stealing the town’s water.

     Just about everything about Rango works.  The animation is terrific, and even though none of the creatures are dehydrated or dessicated, the drought and lack of water is palpable.  It made me thirsty just watching.  Depp is terrific as the lizard, and the rest of the voices are great as well.  Kids will like it for the slapstick humour and the jokes, adults will appreciate the references to other films, but I like it because I like westerns.  And Rango is a good western.

Year:  1998
Genre:  TV series, Drama, Soap Opera
Country:  United States
Language:  English
Starring:  Heather Locklear, Lisa Rinna, Kelly Rutherford, Alyssa Milano, Jamie Luner, Rena Sofer, a bunch of other hot women and some men.  I think.
Creator:  Darren Star
DVD distributor:  Paramount Home Entertainment

     Here’s some of the eye candy in Season Six, Volume Two of Melrose Place.

     That’s just a small sample.  There are far more hot women who show up on Melrose Place, act devious, seduce people, wreck marriages and homes and generally misbehave.  This show had some of the hottest women ever in the cast – but that begs one question…is it worth it?

     Yes, there are a whole lot of hot chicks wearing small dresses and behaving badly and seducing men and so on.  But at the same time, none of them ever get naked, none ever DO anything terrifically hot, and you have to watch a soap opera to see what they do.  You stole my husband/boyfriend!  You stole my wife/girlfriend!  You stole my idea/company!  You plotted against me/us!  You ate half my pomegranate/grapefruit!  

     I think, in the end, that Melrose Place IS watchable.  I still remember that Seinfeld episode where Jerry takes the polygraph test to prove he doesn’t watch Melrose Place.  I remember that Seinfeld episode because Seinfeld was a great show and had thousands of memorable moments. 

     Melrose Place, on the other hand, was NOT a great show, had very FEW memorable moments, but as Jerry Seinfeld suggested fifteen years ago, it IS a guilty pleasure.  And nothing more.

Year:  2010 
Genre:  Documentary
Country:  United States
Language:  English
Featuring:   Joan Baez, Sean Penn, Christopher Hitchens, Tom Hayden, Pete Seeger, Billy Bragg, Jello Biafra  
Director:  Kenneth Bowser
Run time:  97 minutes
DVD distributor:  First Run Features

     Out July 19th from First Run Features, Phil Ochs: There But For Fortune is a remarkable portrait of one of the lesser-known superstars of 60s folk music.

     Phil Ochs was a fascinating figure in the world of music.  A contemporary of Bob Dylan, Pete Seeger and Joan Baez, he was an influential figure in protest music, (specifically against the Vietnam war), but also a myriad of other subjects.  He called his music “topical music”, ripping his subjects straight out of the headlines of the newspapers of the day.  He was very much America’s Stompin Tom that way – what’s the news today?  Okay, here’s a song!

     He recorded some amazing songs in his twenties, including one of my all time favourites, “I Ain’t Marching Any More”.  Then he spiraled downward thanks to mental problems and alcohol abuse before dying tragically at the age of 35.

     There But For Fortune is a very compelling, very complete look at the short life and great works of one of the forgotten folk singers of the 60s.  Friends, family and contemporaries of Ochs pay tribute to him through music and their memories.  The documentary features appearances by his wife and daughter, his friends and fellow folk singers, and contemporary figures like Sean Penn, Joan Baez, Billy Bragg, Jello Biafra and Christopher Hitchens.  They talk about his music, his career, his activism and the sad end to all of that.

     Pete Seeger is in the movie too, talking about his old friend, and it makes me wonder what could have been, had Ochs lived into his 90s the way Seeger has.  Of course, this documentary reminds me a lot of the great Seeger documentary The Power Of Song.  There But For Fortune is a little more compelling because of the tragic end of Phil Ochs, but Seeger is still alive, still writing and singing and protesting in his 90s.  It’s a real pity Phil Ochs isn’t doing the same.

Year:  2010 
Genre:  Documentary
Country:  United States
Language:  English
Featuring:   Mary Badham, Tom Brokaw, Roseanne Cash, Oprah Winfrey, James Patterson
Director:  Mary Murphy
Run time:  85 minutes
DVD distributor:  First Run Features

     An impressive list of famous people appear in Hey Boo, a documentary on Harper Lee and To Kill A Mockingbird out July 19^th from First Run Features.  Oprah Winfrey, Roseanne Cash, Tom Brokaw and Jon Meacham.  Writers like Scott Turow and James Patterson.  And Mary Badham, who played Scout in the Gregory Peck movie adaptation of the book.

     They all talk with reverence about the novel, and how it changed their lives, and how it changed America and challenged southern peoples’ beliefs and attitudes.  It’s pretty comprehensive in less than an hour and a half, covering the writing of the book, the reception to it, the movie version, Gregory Peck as Atticus Finch, and Harper Lee’s relationship with Truman Capote (who was the inspiration for Dill in the novel, and the inspiration for several movies himself). 

     Of course, To Kill A Mockingbird is one of the iconic books in American history, and along with Margaret Mitchell (Gone With the Wind), Emily Bronte (Wuthering Heights) and Anna Sewell (Black Beauty), Harper Lee is one of the incredible women who wrote only one book in her life. 

     Toward the end of the documentary an attempt is made to explain this – why did Harper Lee never write another book, after the incredible success of her first one?  Her sister has an opinion, other writers have their opinions, and none are exactly the same.  In the end though, I don’t think it matters.  What matters IS that one work, which resonates as powerfully today as it did then, and its legacy is laid out beautifully in this documentary.  Hey Boo: Harper Lee and To Kill A Mockingbird is out now, I highly recommend it.

Year:  2009, 2010
Genre:  Kids, Comedy, TV series
Country:  United States
Language:  English
Starring:  Miranda Cosgrove, Nathan Kress, Jennette McCurdy, Jerry Trainor, Victoria Justice
Director:  Steve Hoefer
DVD distributor:  Paramount Home Entertainment

     I’m not totally sure why this is called the “I less than three” iCarly Collection.  That’s a weird title, because there are exactly three DVDs in the set.  There’s the iSpace Out DVD, the iSaved Your Life DVD, and the iFight Shelby Marx DVD.  Shouldn’t it, at least, have been the “I less than or equal to three” iCarly Collection?  Then again, I’m not that hip.  Maybe kids these days have such poor math skills that they no longer understand “less than or equal to“.  Whatever.  I still like it.

     Click on the links above for the full reviews of the individual DVDs – The iFight Shelby Marx disc is the standout for me thanks to Victoria Justice, who is a superstar in the making.  (Although believing her as a 15-year-old terrifying cage fighter is a HUGE stretch.)  Then there’s iSaved Your Life, where Carly becomes briefly infatuated with Freddy after her saves her life.  And iSpace Out where, as is totally plausible, the iCarly crew have a chance to do their show from SPACE!

     I do like iCarly, and for the most part I like this 3-pack.  Or…less than three pack?  I dunno.  But there are so many iCarly releases – two or sometimes even three volumes of every season.  DVD specials highlighting one episode in particular, or in the case of Shelby Marx, a couple of “TV movies” (including iDate A Bad Boy).  iCarly has been around two years, and already I have reviewed eight different DVD releases of the show.  At a certain point, it’s overkill.  This may well be that point.

Year:  2010
Genre:  TV series, Cartoon, Kids
Country:  United States
Language:  English
DVD distributor:  Paramount Home Entertainment

     On July 5th, Paramount Home Entertainment releases the Team Umizoomi DVD.  It’s another one of those kids shows, like Dora The Explorer or Go Diego Go, where they want ME to help them do things.  They use their Mighty Math Skills, you see (which involve patterns and shapes) but their skills are apparently not as good as mine, since they always need my help.

     See, this silly kid lost his toy lion on a string when it rolled down a hill.  It was then apparently dismantled by local animals and spread all over the park.  There’s even a creepy squirrel that steals the lion’s wheels.  Yeah, this lion has wheels.  Whatever.  So the Umizoomi Team is assembled to help this irresponsible kid get his toy back in time for the parade.

     And of course they need MY help.  They ask me which objects on the squirrel’s shelf are circles (and therefore wheels).  And I purposely tried to screw them up.  I pointed to all the triangles instead.  And you know what?  They fell for it!  And they failed in their mission, and the dumb kid never got his lion back, and the two kids and a robot kicked me off Team Umizoomi!

     But then, in the very next episode, where they had to retrieve a kite lost by some other forgetful silly kid, they let me right back on the team!  No questions asked!  Team Umizoomi really is very nice.  Best two kids and a robot I have ever joined in a club.  A Mighty Math club!  I once again sabotaged their efforts, and they were unable to recover the kite.

     I DID help them find the imprisoned Blue Mermaid.  See, her scales light up blue and illuminate the entire ocean!  I wanted a piece of that action.  And with my actual help, we were successful.  Way to go, two kids and a robot.  And me!

Years:  1984, 1985
Country:  United States
Genre:  TV series, Soap opera, Drama
Language:  English
Starring:  Joan Collins, John Forsythe, Linda Evans, John James, Diahann Carroll, Billy Dee Williams, Heather Locklear, Jack Coleman, Pamela Bellwood, Gordon Thomson, Michael Nader, Catherine Oxenberg 
Guest starring:  Pamela Sue Martin, Kevin McCarthy, Billy Campbell, John Saxon, Richard Hatch, Rock Hudson, Matthew Lawrence, Ali MacGraw, Emma Samms, Kerry Armstrong, Maxwell Caulfield
Creators:  Richard Shapiro, Esther Shapiro
Producer:  Aaron Spelling
DVD distributor:  Paramount Home Entertainment

     First, the good news – legendary actress Ali McGraw (The Getaway, Love Story) joins the cast of Dynasty toward the end of Season Five.  Also, screen icon Rock Hudson makes his final on-screen appearance on Dynasty before his AIDS-related death in 1985.  Joan Collins remains vindictive sneaky and malicious, and Heather Locklear remains hot, as do several other cast members. 

     But the good news continues!  Season Five of Dynasty remains split into two volumes, for some reason.  But both volume 1 and volume 2 of Season Five are being released at the same time – July 5th, from Paramount Home Entertainment.  So there’s none of that annoying “waiting” for the next volume!  How exciting for Dynasty lovers! 

     And finally, the last of the good news – Season Five, packaged together in the two volumes now – ends with the most famous episode in Dynasty history, and likely the most famous episode in soap opera history this side of the “Who Shot JR” episode of Dallas.  That of course is the big finale, the royal wedding marred by the Moldavian Massacre, where terrorists show up and murder everyone.

     Now the bad news – not everyone is actually going to die in the Moldavian massacre, and there WILL be a sixth season of Dynasty.  I’m sorry.  Also, to find out who lives and who dies, we will now have to wait until that sixth season is released.  So although we get these two volumes together, we’re going to have to wait for the resolution to the real cliffhanger at the end.

     The real bad news, though, is that this is still a silly soap opera, and despite the presence of Locklear, Hudson, McGraw and other big-ish names, it’s still weak acting and silly premises and other nonsense.  The season starts off with a car accident, and Fallon (Pamela Sue Martin)disappears.  Alexis (Joan Collins) is on trial for murder, and fighting-reconciling every minute with her sons and family.  And this drama takes up much of Volume One, while the Moldavians and the upcoming Royal Wedding take up most of volume two. 

     It’s all obnoxious and silly and soap-opera-ish.  Which is fine for the big fans of the soap operas – both of you, go out there and grab this one!  For the rest of us, the real bad news is this – it’s still Dynasty.