Years:  1971, 1972
Genre:  TV series, Drama
Country:  United States
Languages:  English
Starring:  Mike Connors, Gail Fisher, Robert Reed
Guest stars:  Rosemary Forsyth, Dean Stockwell, Shelley Fabares, Marion Ross, Geoffrey Lewis, Vic Morrow, Joanna Pettet, Pippa Scott, Milton Berle, Ed Begley Jr, Jon Cypher, Jessica Walter, Corinne Camacho, Jeanne Cooper, John Vernon, Jean Byron, Mariette Hartley, Elsa Lanchester
Creator:  Lalo Schifrin
Run time:  21 hours 18 minutes
DVD distributor:  Paramount Home Entertainment
DVD extras:  Not much of anything
Related reviews:  Mannix Season Two, Mannix Season One, Mannix Season Three, Mannix Season Four

     Mannix is back, as Season Five of the series comes to DVD July 5th from Paramount Home Entertainment.  Mike Connors once again embodies the intuitive tough guy private detective admirably, and I continue to enjoy the series.  There are always a ton of hot women around – on the ski slopes, in the freak-show hippie hangouts, or just running around committing murders.

     In season five, Mannix is rarely hired to help any actual people – he just happens to be around when things get all murderous.  He has a certain amount of charm, just enough it appears to have all the hot women in all the episodes decide it would be nice to have sex with him.  Which must be pretty cool for Mannix, a nice ego boost – except they never seem to actually get around to it, because all that murder ends up getting in the way.

     As always, Mannix gets into lots of car chases and fistfights.  Some of those car chases take place on mountain roads, and almost all of them end with a car bursting into flames and exploding the second it hits the bottom of the adjacent ditch.  Almost every fistfight ends in a knockout punch, and often a hit from behind is enough to knock someone out for (presumably) hours.

     The thing I like best about Mannix is the way it’s paced.  I feel like I’m following the private eye around in real time.  I see what he sees, I learn what he learns, I talk to his assistant Peggy only when he does (usually).  That means that I can’t figure out the case until HE does.  Some people like to know ahead of time who the killer is, so they can watch the net close around him (Columbo).  Some people like to be surprised at the end (Matlock).  And others like to feel like they’re in it with the investigator.  I’m one of those people.  And Mannix is one of those shows.

Year:  2010
Genre:  Kids, Comedy, TV series
Country:  United States
Language:  English
Starring:  Victoria Justice, Leon Thomas III, Matt Bennett, Elizabeth Gillies, Ariana Grande, Avan Jogia, Daniella Monet, Eric Lange
Creator:  Dan Schneider
DVD distributor:  Paramount Home Entertainment

     There is nothing remarkable about the characters, the writing, singing, or camera work in Victorious.  It’s just another one of those Nickelodeon shows that fits neatly into a little box, like Zoey 101 or Big Time Rush or iCarly or any number of other teen shows.  See, they go to school and have crazy classmates and off-the-wall teachers and boy trouble/girl trouble and sometimes there’s a food fight.  And there are constant references to the internet, texting and Twitter-type social media.  That’s it.

     It’s a sanitized world, this Nickelodeon creation.  The biggest high school problems characters in Victorious have to face is when they get a monster mask super-glued to their face, or people think they have a ketchup addiction.  The whole thing gives me a (sort of unpleasant) craving for more Degrassi.  Which, as it turns out, actually runs on Nickelodeon in the States also.

     At any rate, back to Victorious.  Or, as the show spells it’s own name, VICTORiOUS.  I guess that’s cooler.  Those of you who are perceptive will notice that although I am lambasting the sanitized, cookie-cutter, one-size fits all version of high school espoused by so many Nickelodeon original shows, I am still giving this one a marginal recommendation.  Nicely noticed, perceptive folk!

     The main reason for this marginal approval is Victoria Justice.  Yes, she’s just another of those Nickelodeon triple-threat kids who act, and sing, and look pretty in clothes.  You know, the same thing Disney does.  The Big Time Rush boys, Nick Cannon, Miranda Cosgrove, Jamie-Lynn Spears, Amanda Bynes, and all that.  Now, I love Amanda Bynes.  I think she is a terrific young actress and belongs in more movies.  And the only Nickelodeon actor or actress I have seen who even comes close is Victoria Justice.

     It won’t be long, I think, before Justice sheds the bonds of squeaky-clean kid-show mediocrity and goes on to become a fairly major movie star.  Not only is she ridiculously hot (and she’s 18 now so I think I’m finally allowed to say that), she is also an amazing screen presence.  She has charm, and wonderful charisma, and facial expressions beyond her years (although the lines and scenarios written for her are far beneath her years, of course).

     The other kids on the show are pretty good too, although this whole thing was clearly conceived as a (deserving) starring vehicle for Justice.  They can all sing, they can all act, even if they’re poorly conceived cartoon characters.  The musical genius Andre who writes songs and plays piano and is just so good-hearted and kind.  The heart-throb Beck, who is just the most decent guy in the world despite his magnificent good looks.  His insane mean-girl girlfriend Jade, who exists just to be the only antagonist on the show.  Cat, who’s dumber than a stump, Trina who has out-of-whack delusions of grandeur, the bonkers acid-flashback drama teacher, and Robbie, who is never without his ventriloquist dummy Rex.

     Yes, it’s formulaic, and it was likely conceived, created, written and produced by a series of focus groups.  But sometimes real talent can emerge from the lamest, most bland pre-fab fare.  (Justin Timberlake came out of N’Sync, remember?)  I predict (and hope) that this is the case for Victoria Justice.  Victorious Season One Volume One comes out July 5th from Paramount Home Entertainment.

Year:  2011
Genre:  Drama, Romance, Fantasy
Country:  United States
Language:   English
Starring:  Alex Pettyfer, Vanessa Hudgens, Neil Patrick Harris, Mary-Kate Olsen, Lisa Gay Hamilton, Erik Knudsen, Dakota Johnson, Peter Krause
Director:  Daniel Barnz
Run time:  86 minutes
DVD distributor:  Alliance Films

     On June 28^th, Alliance Films releases Beastly, another updated version of the famous Beauty And The Beast story.  I’m starting to wonder about these movies.  First of all, this story goes a long way toward promoting gender inequality.  Where is the Beauty And The Beast story where some hideously ugly WOMAN manages to get a virile, hot young stud of a MAN to fall in love with her inner beauty?

     No, it’s always some horribly disfigured dude (in this case Alex Pettyfer) who wins the heart of an implausibly hot young babe.  In this case Vanessa Hudgens.  Maybe people think men are too shallow to ever see past looks, and only women have the capacity to see into someone’s soul.  Or, more likely, they think no one would go see a movie starring an ugly chick.  So it’s the movie-going public that’s shallow. 

     I will say this – the Beauty and the Beast thing has inspired ME, in my life.  I learned early on that despite my obvious deficits in the looks department, I could still get a girl to love me, as long as I imprisoned her for a long enough time.  So I found a hot babe – cause I’m shallow that way.  And I kidnapped her, and kept her in my cellar for nine months.  I was really nice to her – I cooked her pasta and bought her the latest Katy Perry CDs to keep her entertained, and I oiled her chains regularly.  And then I set her free, and married her before the Stockholm syndrome wore off.  

     Anyway, back to Beastly.  Alex Pettyfer is the cartoon-character School Pretty-Boy.  He is the Most Popular Kid In School, because he’s so pretty and has nice hair and everything.  Of course, he is also a jerk to everyone, including socially irrelevant Vanessa Hudgens.  In this school, which is populated by girls who are far hotter than those who attended MY high school, looks mean everything.  Except in the case of Hudgens, because her role in the movie requires her to be socially irrelevant.  I guess she’s the exception that proves the rule?  Or maybe no one cared about the obvious disconnect.

     Then Mary-Kate Olsen shows up.  She is called “ugly” because she has piercings and tattoos and wears strange clothes.  Kyle (Pettyfer) is especially mean to her because he is beautiful and she is “ugly”.  Get it?  Now, it turns out she’s a witch or something.  And she places a curse on him and turns HIM “ugly”.  Which means he too now has tattoos.  Including one on his face.  And he turns bald.  Not exactly a “beast”, but then you don’t want people to stop watching the movie do you?

     He must convince a woman to love him, or he will be stuck like this forever.  He chooses Lindy (Hudgens) and through some highly implausible happenstance manages to imprison her in his house.  Ans she of course eventually sees past his horrible disfigurement and falls in love with him, as the story says she must.  Why, exactly, is unclear.  Because he built a greenhouse?  Because he bought her candy?  Stockholm syndrome?  Or…because it’s in the script.

     Now, I don’t think I’m giving too much away here.  This may be a spoiler or it may not, but since this story is always exactly the same, let’s assume for the sake of argument that, like Titanic or United 93, you have a pretty good idea how it’s going to end.  And it does, with the big (only) drama being whether or not she will say “I love you” in time to lift the curse!

     See, Kyle has been changed, with his new appearance and the surprisingly tolerant assistants in his house (Neil Patrick Harris and Lisa Gay Hamilton).  He is no longer the callous, self-centred jerk he once was, and now lives only for the good of others.  Except…he still wants to be pretty.  And now that he has convinced a sweet, good-hearted, totally-not-shallow Lindy to love him for Who He Is rather than How He Looks, he still really wants to be pretty. 

     Here’s the spoiler – he does.  She says it in time, he becomes gorgeous again, blah blah blah.  Now, in most teen movies, this would be the moment where the final conflict occurs.  Wait – you were Kyle all along?  And YOU imprisoned me?  And you lied to me for months at a time?  And this whole “relationship” has been based on deceit and trickery?  Now I hate you!  And then he would have to chase her down, and prove that his love is in fact genuine, and she would then forgive him and they would live happily ever until the credits rolled.

     Not in Beastly.  Instead, Lindy takes one look at Kyle, now restored to his former glorious pretty self, and gets ecstatic.  Because you see, although women are willing to see a man’s inner beauty, they are also far more likely to love him if he has outer beauty as well.  Or something like that.  I don’t think it matters, as no one should be taking any life lessons from this crappy film.

     Four of the earliest post-war German movies dealing with World War II are packaged together here in this new release from First Run Features.  The Anti-Nazi box set, however, is more than just a historic curiosity or a collection of films more notable for when and where they were made than for anything else.  No, it’s a collection of four quality movies.  Which are as follows:

  The Murderers Are Among Us (********8/10)

Year:  1946
Genre:  Drama, Romance, War
Country:  Germany
Language:  German w/ English subtitles
Starring:  Ernst Wilhelm Borchert, Hildegard Knef, Arno Paulsen 
Director:  Wolfgang Staudte
Run time:  85 minutes
DVD distributor:  First Run Features

     The first movie made in post-World War II Germany, The Murderers Are Among Us follows two people trying to rebuild their lives following the war.  Susanne returns home to Berlin after being released from a concentration camp to find a man named Dr. Mertens living in her apartment.  His home has been destroyed by bombs, and neither of them has anywhere else to go.  They find a way to live together, then form a sort of tentative bond, then eventually fall in love.

     They fall in love, I think, because it’s a movie and that’s what people did in movies in 1946.  He loves her because she’s super hot and waits on him hand and foot and tends to his every need.  She loves him because…he broods a lot and drinks to ease his tortured psyche?  No…Susanne falls in love with Dr. Mertens because it’s in the script.  That’s it.

     That’s my one complaint about the film.  But setting the implausible love affair aside, it plays only a small part in an otherwise stark but excellent movie.  The two protagonists aer interesting.  Dr. Mertens has come back from the front where he was a soldier.  Susanne has returned from a concentration camp.  And yet she seems vastly less damaged, mentally, by the war than he is.  She is the one who provides the strength for him to conquer his demons.

     His one, biggest demon, it turns out, is his former army commanding officer Captain Bruckner.  Bruckner ordered the massacre of dozens of people, including women and children, on Christmas Day in 1942 in Poland.  It’s a little simplistic to think that killing Captain Bruckner will exorcise all of Mertens’ demons, but that ends up being his plan when he meets up with Bruckner again by chance.  The captain is now selling pots in Berlin (pots made from what used to be Nazi helmets).

     And that is the best reason to see this movie.  Horrible, inhuman monsters return home to become pot salesmen.  The city of Berlin is a complete ruin.  (The movie was shot in the real ruins of Berlin, which is something incredible to see.)  And the awkwardness between all the people – the two main characters and the secondary ones and the bit players who pass by – is tangible.

     Susanne is played by Hildegard Knef, who has an amazing story herself – she was a POW during the war where she disguised herself as a boy, and after this movie she did the very first nude scene in German movie history.  No nudity in The Murderers Are Among Us though.  Just harsh, brutal reality.

  The Gleiwitz Case (********8/10)

Year:  1961
Genre:  Drama, History, War
Country:  Germany
Language:  German w/ English subtitles
Starring:  Christoph Bayertt, Hannjo Hasse, Georg Leopold
Director:  Gerhard Klein
Run time:  70 minutes
DVD distributor:  First Run Features

     Perhaps the most interesting movie in the box, from a historical perspective.  This is the true story of ”The Gleiwitz Incident“, an attack on a German radio station staged by German soldiers posing as Poles in 1939.  That way, Germany could say they were “attacked” by “Poland”, and respond with force – the invasion that led to the start of the second World War.

     This wonderfully shot black-and-white movie lays out the German plan meticulously in great detail, without becoming stale or feeling like one of those made-forTV re-enactments.  While the outcome of that plan is a foregone conclusion, the politics and personalities that put it into action are fascinating, and this one is a must-see for those who are into the history of World War II.

  I Was Nineteen (*********9/10)

Year:  1968
Genre:  Drama, History, War
Country:  Germany
Language:  German w/ English subtitles
Starring:  Jaecki Schwarz, Vasili Livanov
Director:  Konrad Wolf
Run time:  115 minutes
DVD distributor:  First Run Features

     A semi-autobiographical movie from director Konrad Wolf, I Was Nineteen is the story of a 19-year-old (obviously) German soldier fighting for the Russian army.  Gregor Hecker fled the Nazi regime with his family, settling in Russia.  Now a lieutenant in the Russian army, he returns to Germany as part of the victorious Russian force, and deals with some craziness. 

      That craziness includes Germans who refuse to surrender, and Germans who do surrender and then turn guns on their own army to help the Russians.  When young Gregor gets on the phone to try to convince a German officer that yes, in fact, the Russians have captured a platoon, that officer thinks he’s a German soldier who is drunk and refuses to allow the platoon to surrender.  Gregor, as the best German speaker in the Russian unit, makes the loudspeaker announcements trying to convince the Germans to surrender.  He is also the one sent in as a translator to the most perilous situations.

     There are angry citizens, happy citizens, and philosophizing Nazis all over the place.  The film does a wonderful job of capturing the chaos surrounding the fall of the Third Reich, from a Russian soldier’s point of view and also from a native German’s point of view.  Gregor, of course, is both.  There is a blind German soldier who believes Gregor to be one of his fellow infantrymen because all he can hear is his voice.  There is a surprise attack from German forces who have stolen Russian army uniforms and a tank.

     It’s chaotic, it’s confusing at times, but that’s appropriate.  I Was Nineteen is the best film in this box set, and one of the great war films I’ve seen from post-war Germany.

  Naked Among Wolves (*********9/10)

Year:  1963
Genre:  Drama, War
Country:  Germany
Language:  German w/ English subtitles
Starring:  Armin Mueller-Stahl, Fred Delmare, Erwin Geschonneck, Krystyn Wojcik 
Director:  Frank Beyer
Run time:  116 minutes
DVD distributor:  First Run Features

     Naked Among Wolves is the only film on this box set with a star most people might recognize.  Armin Mueller-Stahl is a well-known actor thanks to his recent work in Eastern Promises, The Game, The Peacemaker and many other Hollywood movies.  This is one of his earliest films, and it is also the first post-war German film to depict life in a concentration camp.

     Mueller-Stahl plays Hofel, a prisoner at Buchenwald in the closing days of the war.  The prisoners suddenly find themselves with a problem – a young Jewish child has been smuggled into the camp by a Polish prisoner (presumably because NOT smuggling the child into the camp would have ensured death).  Now Hofel and the other prisoners must protect the kid while still working on their own resistance plan.

     The most interesting part of Naked Among Wolves is the dynamic between the prisoners and the guards.  As it becomes increasingly clear that the war is unwinnable for Germany, the prisoners start to become more and more powerful – if the camp is liberated, and the freed men say that one officer in particular was kind to them, that officer might be treated better by his eventual captors.  The prisoners now have the power to threaten their jailers, and it’s a fascinating relationship that develops. 

     It’s another magnificent movie, wonderfully acted and actually funny at times.  Another must see on an excellent box set.

Year:  2009
Genre:  Crime, Drama
Country:  Dominican Republic
Language:   English
Starring:  Manny Perez, Denise Quinones, Juan Fernandez, Paul Calderon
Director:  Josh Crook
Run time:  102 minutes
DVD distributor:  Alliance Films

     The Butcher’s Son gets a marginal recommendation from me thanks entirely to two things – the gritty realism of the violent Dominican Republic depicted in the film, and the seething, intense performance by the star, Manny Perez.  Well, that and the female star of the movie, Denise Quinones, who is a pretty good Puerto Rican actress and Miss Universe 2001.  Which is nice.  I mean niiiiiiice.

    Everything else in the film is uneven and at times cheesy.  It’s poorly paced, there is a lot of non-sequitor violence that seems to come back around in the plot but is really unnecessary, and the Big Revelation made to Luisito (Perez) at the end should probably have been pretty obvious to him for…say…his whole life.  Otherwise he’s a complete idiot.  And he doesn’t SEEM like a complete idiot.

     Luisito is the son of a butcher who was murdered (for no apparent reason) by gangbanging drug dealers who had been deported back to the Dominican Republic.  As he grows into a man (this is all shown through flashbacks), he becomes a hit man for the corrupt Dominican government and a military general named Colon.  He thinks he is killing the right people – drug dealers and murderers – and making his country a better place.  But when he is ordered to let a bad guy go because the criminal payed off the general, he begins to become disillusioned.  As you would.

     Now, Luisito is trying desperately, through the objections of his cousin and the general, to quit the life and his job.  (The moment where he actually DOES quit his job, in a very badass way, is the highlight of the film.)  At the same time, he is trying to re-connect with his childhood sweetheart (Quinones) and start a relationship with her.  The relationship between the two is strained and a little unbelievable, but all Quinones is good Quinones.

     The movie boils down to an explosive confrontation, a violent action sequence, and a cheesy, feel-good finale that is as awkwardly charming as it is implausible.  Most of the time, the movie is either too slow or too fast, a lot of it goes nowhere, but Perez is good enough, and broodingly intense enough, that he really held my attention even through the lulls.  And there are a lot of lulls.  Like I said off the top – a marginal recommendation.

Year:  2011
Genre:  Adventure, Action, Fantasy
Country:  United States
Language:   English
Starring:  Nicolas Cage, Ron Perlman, Claire Foy, Robert Sheehan, Stephen Campbell Moore, Ulrich Thomsen, Stephen Graham, Christopher Lee
Director:  Dominic Sena
Run time:  95 minutes
DVD distributor:  Alliance Films

     Season Of The Witch looks bad, it sounds bad and it IS bad.  It has bad dialogue, awful action sequences, poor pacing and absolutely dead-eyed wooden performances from its stars.  (With the exception of Ron Perlman, who is merely playing Ron Perlman from so many other movies – but to no avail.)  It misfires as a horror movie, as an adventure movie, as a sword-and-sorcery epic, and even as an unintentional comedy.

     The opening of the movie is promising enough – a priest has condemned three women to death for being witches.  It’s that time of history – priests and witches and Good vs. Evil and so forth.  In this case, it’s the priest who appears to be evil, as two of the three women are clearly not witches and are victims of (as it were) a witch hunt.  They are all three hanged, then drowned.  Then the priest has to read the magic words from his magic book to make sure they stay dead.  Two of them do.  The other one, however, escapes and wreaks vengeance.

     Interesting enough.  But that’s the first four minutes.  After that begins the tedium, as Nic Cage and Ron Perlman are introduced as Crusaders, under the Banner Of God, who fight in a montage of battles, each confusing and unnecessary, that culminate in the slaughtering of women and children in a particularly horrific raid on a city.  Cage and Perlman confront the religious leader who ordered the massacre, essentially doing a riff on the old cop-movie cliche “I didn’t sign up for THIS!”

     Now they are gone, wandering off across the plains, until they reach a village that has a witch.  The village (and surrounding area) is consumed by a plague, and this “witch” is responsible.  Cage and Perlman are enlisted to help transport the “witch” to a monastery of some kind, the only one in the world with a book powerful enough to destroy the power of the “witch”.  And thereby free the region of the plague.  A lovely young woman (Claire Foy) gets thrust in a cage and carried to this monastery. 

     The whole time she’s being moved, she continually plays coy with whether-or-not she’s a witch.  But having displayed superhuman strength and flashing eyes in her very first scene, there is little mystery there.  Extra characters get added to the transport party, including a convicted swindler who is the only one who “knows the way”.  At first it seems this swindler was added to the party for comic relief.  But this movie has ZERO sense of humour.  So it turns out he was added so he could be killed by wolves a little later.  Like one of the ensigns from Star Trek.  Same goes for the other, useless knight.

     The DVD of Season Of The Witch has an “alternate ending” special feature.  The alternate ending is little bit better, but by the end of the movie I didn’t care at all what the “trut” nature of the “witch” was, or what became of the characters, or even whether it made sense.  Either way, it was too dark and confusing just to figure out what was going on, and I was just pleased it was over.

Year:  2009  
Genre:  Documentary
Country:  United States
Language:  English
Featuring:  Nan Cochran, Andrilla Chakrabarti, Laura Berman 
Director:  Elizabeth Canner
Run time:  73 minutes
DVD distributor:  First Run Features

     Orgasm Inc. is a documentary being released June 21st by First Run Features.  It is quite similar in tone and subject matter to Passion And Power, a documentary they released a year ago.  Passion And Power was a little more about vibrators and history, Orgasm Inc. is more about profits and business and science.  But both are all about the female orgasm.

     In the case of Orgasm Inc., it’s about the massive amount of money that can be made developing a “cure” for women who can’t have an orgasm.  But of course, in order to “cure” something, that something has to be an actual disease.  Or a disorder or ailment, as long as it’s something a doctor can diagnose.  So we now get doctors talking about FSD, or Female Sexual Dysfunction.  Now a doctor can diagnose the problem, prescribe a pill, and pharmaceutical companies can make boatloads of money.  Now, they just have to come up with a pill that actually does something.

     Film maker Elizabeth Canner starts her documentary eight years ago, when she was asked to edit porn videos for a big pharma company.  The porn videos were then shown to a group of women, who were then supposed to fill out a survey detailing their level of sexual arousal.  The company’s drug was put into clinical tests in this way against a placebo, and…nothing.  The drug simply didn’t work.

     I think there may be a ton of things wrong with this test method.  I’ve had a lot of girlfriends, and each one got turned on by something totally different.  For one it was books (Lady Chatterly’s Lover was a particular favourite).  For another it was Barry White.  One had only to eat spicy food to achieve arousal.  So, to think that you can edit a porno movie in a way to appeal equally to all women is…nonsense.  Isn’t it?  Also, asking women to “rate” their sexual arousal on a survey has a similar problem – they’re just not the same, are they?

     And so the documentary takes off from there, as Canner starts talking to people on both sides of the issue.  Dr. Laura Berman (famous from Oprah and now with her own show on Oprah’s OWN network) is one of the doctors who favours prescribing medication to women if they can’t, say, achieve orgasm through regular intercourse.  Then there are the experts on the other side who point out that Dr. Laura (and most other pill advocates as well) is paid huge sums by pharmaceutical companies.  And that they keep suggesting Viagra for women, even though it has been conclusively proven in trials to do absolutely nothing.

     There are funny little animations throughout, as cartoon companies compete in a race to see who can cross the finish line first with a product that “cures” this imaginary and very poorly defined “illness”.  And thereby make billions upon billions of dollars.

     I think the funniest parts of the movie, though, are the parts where women participate in these bizarre tests to determine whether they have FSD, and then do some even more bizarre experimental treatments to fix it.  (It’s also pretty scary – electrodes inserted into spines, giant machines that are supposed to stimulate the clitoris.)  The part that made me laugh was after one woman had gone through a battery of tests, had tried seemingly everything to fix what was wrong with her, she finally reveals her problem – she can have orgasms, just not with intercourse!  She must be broken!

     In the end, Orgasm Inc. is an indictment of pharmaceutical companies, their methods and their pursuit of greater and greater profits by pulling the wool over the eyes of the public.  It’s also a scathing rebuttal to the television doctors advocating the use of pills while taking money from Big Pharma.  And it’s very entertaining in a tight 73 minute package.  I recommend it.

Year:  2005
Genre:  Blu-Ray, Thriller, Sci-Fi, Action
Country:  United States
Language:  English
Starring:   Ewan McGregor, Scarlett Johansson, Steve Buscemi, Sean Bean, Djimon Hounsou, Michael Clarke Duncan
Eye candy:  Scarlett Johansson in that white jumpsuit is stellar.  In HD!
Director:  Michael Bay
Run time:  136 minutes
Blu-Ray distributor:  Paramount Home Entertainment

     Without a doubt, The Island is Michael Bay’s best movie.  In fact, it is head and shoulders above the rest (the rest including Transformers, Transformers 2, Bad Boys II, Armageddon, Pearl Harbor and the Playboy video documentary Playboy Video Centerfold: Kerri Kendall).  This is also the only Michael Bay movie for which I have written a positive review, ever.

     I am tempted to say that The Island works despite the ham-handed direction of Bay, but I think he deserves a little more credit here.  The problem I (and most critics, I think) have with Bay in general is that he gets an idea for some huge action scene (cars transforming into machines and blowing up a city!  An asteroid exploding!), then appears to build the movie around the explosions and car chases and ludicrous excess.

     In The Island, he doesn’t do that.  Instead, the long, ludicrous action scenes appear to be inserted into the plot because he can, not because they are the plot.  And the action scenes here ARE cool.  The car chase on the expressway with the giant iron…whatever they are…coming off the back of a flat-bed truck and colliding with armored cars is genuinely awesome.  Then, of course, a couple of little flying motorcycles show up, and the whole scene becomes Michael-Bay-excessive once again.

     The Island is similar enough in structure to movies like Logan’s Run that it’s tempting to call it a rip-off.  But I don’t think it is – Bay creates a plausible, creepy sterilized world in the first half of the movie, and it’s a different vibe than other similar films.  A lot of this is thanks to some stellar acting performances from Ewan McGregor and Scarlett Johansson, as well as bit parts by Michael Clarke Duncan and Steve Buscemi. 

     McGregor and Johansson are two inhabitants of a massive underground bunker.  They have jobs and a routine, and must obey a set of rules – most of those rules are designed to make sure they don’t have sex with each other.  The denizens of this sterile world exist with one special desire.  To be chosen to move on to The Island, a paradise where they can live out their days in peace, outdoors.  The reason they are confined to this bunker is that there was a Great Contamination, and the outside world is no longer safe for human life.  Or so they are told.

     Little cracks begin to appear in the cover story, and only one inhabitant of the giant facility has a brain that is developed enough to question his surroundings – Lincoln Six Echo (McGregor).  He soon finds out that the “lottery winners” who are chosen to go to “The Island” are being killed instead, and their organs are being harvested.  The inhabitants of the facility are not survivors of some kind of apocalypse, but rather clones of real human beings who are being kept alive in case their human counterparts need a spare liver or lungs.  Or, in the case of the women, in case they want to have a baby without going through all that irritating pregnancy.

     The premise of the movie raises some interesting ethical dilemmas, and there is a little bit of exploration on that front – but much later.  There is no time for exploration halfway through, because as soon as we discover the real nature of the facility, Lincoln Six Echo escapes with Jordan Two Delta (Johansson), and the explosions and chases must begin in earnest.

     The Island is really two movies – a creepy sci-fi thriller, and then a futuristic car-chase action film.  Both parts work, and the disconnect between the two isn’t jarring enough to really hurt the movie.  As with all Michael Bay movies, the action sequences are spectacular, and (in this case) not so excessive that they ruin everything.  And as with all Michael Bay films, they are meant to be seen in high definition. 

     The Blu-Ray of The Island is wonderful, the action sequences are sharp and that much more exciting as a result, and the underground bunker takes on even more sterility and becomes creepier as a result.  The only problem with the HD is that occasionally Scarlett Johansson looks more like a mannequin than a human being…but then, it’s only occasionally and the rest of the time she looks like Scarlett Johansson – in high def!  The Island is made for the Blu-Ray format, it looks tremendous, and it’s the only Michael Bay movie (up to this point) that I will advise anyone to buy.

Year:  2011
Genre:  Drama, Adventure
Country:  United States
Language:   English
Starring:  Channing Tatum, Jamie Bell, Donald Sutherland
Director:  Kevin MacDonald
Run time:  114 minutes
DVD distributor:  Alliance Films

     The Eagle (also known as The Eagle Of The Ninth), comes out June 21st from Alliance Films.  It’s heroic without any real heroism, epic without a really grand scale, and violent with precious little blood.  It has a star (Channing Tatum) playing Marcus Aquila who has the look and the physique to play a Roman war hero, but the charisma of a boiled parsnip.  It has a sidekick (Jamie Bell) who is an integral part of the story, but does little more than brood and scowl.

     The Eagle is the story of a golden eagle standard carried into Britain by the famed Roman Ninth Legion, commanded by Marcus’ father.  The eagle standard is a symbol of Roman power and glory and might and some other stuff.  For some reason.  The Ninth Legion disappeared (true story) somewhere North of Hadrian’s Wall, and so Marcus’ father is now disgraced.  It seems that the loss of an entire Roman legion would be the main reason for that disgrace, but it turns out that the disgrace came because he ALSO lost the gold eagle on a stick.

     For the first 40 minutes of the movie, Marcus fights some barbarians, kills some bad guys and generally proves his war-hero bonafides.  Then he decides to restore his father’s honour by venturing into Britain, alone, to bring back the Eagle.  Which will then, apparently, restore his family’s good name.  For some reason.  He is persuaded that he will need help, so he brings his slave with him.

     Marcus’ slave is Esca (Bell), a captured member of a clan that are sworn enemies of the Roman Empire.  Marcus saved Esca from certain death (in a scene that has little bearing on the rest of the film, although it seems to think it does), so Esca hs sworn an oath to help Marcus.  Simple enough.  Now they are going into Esca’s home land, so Marcus will need the help.

     From there, it’s a lot of walking.  And random encounters with murderous gangs (who never make it clear why they want to kill these two wanderers), former members of the missing Ninth Legion (who aren’t terribly helpful) and finally, as if by divine providence, the very tribe of painted-faced warriors who are in possession of the Eagle.  And from there it’s one long chase until the end of the film.  (Which is like the long walk leading up to it, only faster.)

     A lot of The Eagle is reminiscent of recent, better period piece war movies.  There are a lot of flashback scenes in slow motion with wind blowing grass around and hands appearing as Russell Crowe Channing Tatum remembers his father.  There are shots of the vast highlands as William Wallace Marcus and Esca flee on horseback. 

     A lot of this really works, and the camera work is solid in the slow scenes.  But the battle scenes are choppy and confusing, and they refuse to show blood or carnage, even though they make it clear brutal stuff is happening.  (Beheadings, young kids having their throats cut.)  They won’t even show the death or blood of a wild pig, I guess to maintain their PG-13 rating.  Although I think the 14-year-old audience for this one is scant anyway.

     Some decent moments are not enough to save The Eagle from wooden lead performances, confusing fights and a poorly paced plot.  It’s one to skip.

Year:  1995
Genre:  TV series, Drama, Science Fiction, Adventure
Country:  Canada
Language:  English
Starring:   Colette Stevenson, Alan Scarfe, John Bach, C. David Johnson, Stephen Lovatt, Gordon Michael Woolvett, Andy Marshall
Run time:  22 episodes (1 hour each, 1 season)
DVD distributor:  Alliance Films

     Colette Stevenson provides Mysterious Island with its eye candy, but her hotness is seriously offset by the fact that her character on the show, Joanna, spends the whole show with her husband Jack.  Jack is played by that guy who was Chuck Tchobanian on Street Legal (C. David Johnson), and there you have maybe the only two stars on the show who are even vaguely recognizable to the average Canadian viewer.

     The other actors did some stuff too.  Gordon Michael Woolvett was in Andromeda, Stephen Lovatt made a few appearances on Hercules and Xena, and Alan Scarfe guest-starred on a couple of episodes of Star Trek.  Andy Marshall was recently in four episodes of Soul, whatever that is, and John Bach was a bit actor in two of the Lord of the Rings movies.  Anyone remember who Madril was?  Not me.

     At any rate, recognizable or not, these are B-grade actors at best, in a C-grade series that makes little sense.  I have never read the Jules Verne book (Mysterious Island) upon which this series is based.  But having watched many of the 22 episodes on the Complete Series DVD, out June 14th from Alliance Films, I can only assume it’s a dreadful book.  Or, which is more likely, the TV series has almost nothing in common with the book.

     The series opens with a married couple and their kid, an old army captain and his former slave, and a foreign reporter being captured during the U.S. Civil War.  They are scheduled to be executed but escape via hot air balloon.  Then the balloon is shot down over the ocean by a creepy loner mad scientist living on a deserted island so he can experiment on the castaways.

     And so begins the series.  The castaways never get to see Captain Nemo (until the very end), but they quickly realize something is amiss on this island.  Something is also, of course, amiss in the what-year-is-it-here test – the U.S. Civil War is in full swing.  I know, because I recently watched Ken Burns’ masterful Civil War documentary, that this places the show between the years of 1861-1865.  Captain Nemo, the mysterious weirdo on an island, has closed-circuit television cameras set up everywhere, remarkably powerful submarines, and several other gizmos that seem to me to be out of the realm of the technology available in the 1860s.

     The biggest problem with the series though, is that 90% of it feels like padding.  sure, there’s a tiny bit of plot development from episode to episode, but so little I kept forgetting it was going anywhere.  When you have some unseen diabolical madman unleashing earthquakes and landslides toward these people, is there any need to have them get into extra trouble on their own?

     For example – a landslide, triggered by an earthquake, triggered by Captain Nemo, traps the Australian reporter under a giant boulder.  The captain and the ex-slave run off in one direction to find something helpful, but get poisoned by some gas in the ground and must help each other back, heroically.  Then the ex-slave and the young boy run off in another direction to get some other help, and the kid gets his foot caught in rocks in a puddle as the tide is coming in.  Which leads to more help and more heroics.

     And that ends up being the whole some.  One character gets trapped somewhere, somehow, under something.  Then the others put their collective minds together in order to help that one character out of the dilemma.  And…then…it ends, as Captain Nemo shows himself, explains his diabolical (if a little nonsensical) plan, and then he leaves.  The end.  Mysterious Island ran only one season, in 1995, and then it was done.  Mercifully.

Year:  1997
Genre:  TV series, Miniseries, History, Drama
Country:  Canada
Language:  English
Starring:   Dan Aykroyd, Sara Botsford, Ron White, Nigel Bennett, Aidan Devine, Robert Haley, Michael Moriarty, Michael Ironside, Christopher Plummer, Colette Stevenson, Art Hindle
Director:  Don McBrearty
Run time:  180 minutes
DVD distributor:  Alliance Films

     I must admit, my review of The Arrow is likely coloured by a great deal of nostalgia.  I remember the miniseries very well, when it first aired on CBC in 1997.  For years afterward, I was obsessive about the Avro Arrow, the greatest fighter plane in history built by Canadian companies, designed by Canadian engineers, and destroyed by the Diefenbaker government.  I went to the Aviation museum to see the one nose cone that remained of the one Arrow that was not totally wrecked.

     Now, with 14 years of hindsight, I can appreciate the miniseries for a few other reasons.  The who’s-who of Canadian actors that populated the cast.  Sara Botsford (SO hot!) and Art Hindle of that old Canadian show E.N.G., Colette Stevenson of Mysterious Island, Mutant X and a whole bunch of other Canadian TV programs.  And then there are the guest appearances (Michael Moriarty of Law & Order as President Eisenhower, Michael Ironside of X-Men: First Class as the CIA director, Christopher Plummer as a deceitful, sinister Canadian politician).  And of course Dan Aykroyd, the biggest star in the show, as the president of Avro Canada Crawford Gordon.

     The Arrow is the best miniseries the CBC ever did (and I believe it still holds the record for most-viewed among all CBC miniseries).  The incredible history of the Arrow makes great fodder for the program – the incredible engineering feats that helped it come about, the politicking that went into its inception, the Canadian Iroquois engines designed specifically for the plane, and the political gamesmanship that went into the cancellation of the program, the destruction of all the progress made up to that point, and the attempt by the government to cover up the existence of the program entirely afterward.

     Not only is it a fascinating story, but it’s full of great actors and the three-hour run time passes by incredibly quickly.  When I sat down to watch this DVD, out June 14th from Alliance Films, the whole series flooded back to me, and I remembered everything about it.  But I still couldn’t stop watching, and I sat through the three hours nonstop.  A fascinating, amazing miniseries, a great slice of Canadian history, and your kids will love it too.

Year:  2009
Genre:  Drama
Country:  United States
Language:   English
Starring:  Natalie Portman, Lisa Kudrow, Lauren Ambrose, Elizabeth Marvel, Charlie Tahan, Daisy Tahan, Anthony Rapp, Scott Cohen
Eye candy:  Portman is almost fully naked a couple of times.  But never actually naked.
Director:  Don Roos
Run time:  119 minutes
DVD distributor:  Alliance Films

     Natalie Portman shines in The Other Woman, as Emilia, a woman who seduces her married boss, gets pregnant, and gets him to leave his wife to marry her.  Their baby girl is born, but tragically dies a few days later.  This event informs the rest of Emilia’s life, and she seems to use it as a get-out-of-jail-free card whenever she does something wrong.  Emilia must deal with her husband’s bitter, maniac ex-wife (Lisa Kudrow), the scorn of the parents at her stepson’s school, and most of all with her sour, whiny neurotic stepson William (Charlie Tahan).

     Most of the film sees Emilia trying to connect with William while they both clearly resent each other.  William because his mom is constantly trying to poison him against Emilia, Emilia because her baby died and William is still there.  Both characters come off as unlikeable people – Emilia because she’s so self-centred and wears her Dead Kid as a badge, William because he’s so determined not to like his new stepmom.

     Over the course of the movie, of course, William begins to grudgingly accept Emilia.  And Emilia grows as a person (she’s the only one).  But in the end, The Other Woman is nothing more than a vehicle for Portman to emote, and cry, and whine, and get angry. 

     She is (hypocritically) mad at her womanizing father because of what he did to her mom.  But that is just something that gets thrown in for two minutes late in the film, and has no impact.  She has to deal with Carolyne (Kudrow), whose bitterness makes life difficult.  But she spends only about four minutes in the movie herself, and most of her crazy anger has to be conveyed through the kid.  Emilia’s husband Jack (Scott Cohen) is the one who must deal with her, and their relationship is the one most affected by her emotional rollercoaster.  But he too is just a bit player in a movie that ends up being way too Portman-heavy.  If such a thing is possible.  (She does say, at one point, that she weighs only 100 pounds.)

     The thing that bothered me most, however, was the Big Twist at the end, where we find out what “really happened” to Emilia’s baby.  It’s a sad moment, it changes the whole tone of the movie, but on closer reflection, I found that it kind of negated all the acting Portman had done up to that point.  Her reaction to certain things, her using her Dead Baby as a shield justifying all wrongdoing, no longer made any sense.  It isn’t Portman’s fault, I think, but it is a problem.

     Parts of The Other Woman are familiar to me.  I have had similar experiences myself, as a step-father, having to deal with a bitter ex.  And I understood that struggle, where Emilia is desperate to make sure the ex doesn’t get angry, and tries very hard not to retaliate tit-for-tat through the kid.  But that’s a very small part of a movie that otherwise just doesn’t ring true.

Year:  2008
Genre:  Documentary
Country:  United States
Language:  English
Featuring:  Chris Brasher, Davinder Gill, Tom Krueger, Chiara Lepora
Director:  Mark N. Hopkins 
Run time:  93 minutes
DVD distributor:  First Run Features

     Living In Emergency really is hard to watch, at times.  But that’s as it should be.  This isn’t one of those informercials asking you to sponsor a child that show you kids with flies around them.  This is brutal, harsh reality in some of the worst places on Earth.  The Congo, Liberia, war-torn nations all over the globe.  This documentary, out June 21st from First Run Features, follows four doctors who work with MSF (Medicins Sans Frontieres, or Doctors Without Borders).

     We see little kids with gunshot wounds.  We see their parents shot in the head.  We see the doctors performing surgery with inadequate supplies, antiquated tools and very little time.  The job these people do is staggering, where they are pretty much the only doctors in countries with no health care whatsoever.  That means a ton of people in dire need of medical attention, and very few qualified people to provide that attention.  Which means long hours, little sleep, and enormous stress.

     As the documentary shows, not everyone is equipped to handle that stress.  It really does break some doctors.  But no matter how nuts they may seem, or how jerkish they may become, I am 100% inclined to give them a break.  They are doing something incredible, something no one else does, and if it overwhelms them at least they tried. 

     The best thing about Living In Emergency is that it isn’t just a long commercial for Doctors Without Borders.  Some of the doctors are (mildly) critical of the organization, and they do make light of other international aid outfits (like UNICEF).  But then, I am once again 100% inclined to give them a break. 

     As the doctors say in the film, there is no way to describe their jobs and the conditions to someone who hasn’t been where they are.  The smells, I guess, are the most impossible things to convey in words.  But this movie seems to be the most exposure you’re going to get to their lives, without actually going there.  And it’s fantastic.  Heroic people doing heroic things without recognition.  And without the tools of the job most doctors take for granted.  It’s graphic, but a powerful and important work that should be seen.

Year:  2010
Genre:  Documentary…?
Country:  United States…where else?
Starring:  Johnny Knoxville, Steve-O, Bam Margera, Wee Man, Chris Pontius, Ryan Dunn, Preston Lacy, Danger Ehren, Dave England
Creator:  Johnny Knoxville
Run time:  104 minutes
DVD distributor:  Paramount Home Entertainment
Related reviews:  Nitro Circus Season One, Jackass Presents Mat Hoffman’s Tribute to Evel Knievel, Jackass The Lost Tapes, Jackass 3-D

     Jackass 3.5 is actually Jackass 4, direct-to-DVD edition.  It’s all the stuff that didn’t make the cut for Jackass 3-D, an hour and a half worth.  And I actually enjoyed it more than I did the actual Jackass 3 movie.  Yes, there’s still a lot of gross stuff that isn’t funny at all, just gross.  But it’s much more of a behind-the-scenes look than the real movie, and I’m just as interested in stunts that didn’t work as I am in those that did.  The hallway surfing stunt that was hit-and-miss, or the one where Spike Jonze dresses up as a fat woman but succumbs to the heat and has to quit, are more interesting to me.

     And even though it’s just people-getting-hit-in-the-junk humour, I liked the overly long montage of the Jackass guys tossing basketballs from all over the place (overpasses, off roofs, across gymnasiums), trying to hit each other in the junk.  The fact that they obviously spent hours upon hours throwing ball after ball in order to finally get the nut-shot just right is kinda funny in itself.

     A lot of it is just silly – pranks on the cast members played by other cast members, most of which seem to involve peeing on people when they’re not looking, or the supposed “shock value” of two guys in fat suits holding each others’ nobs when they pee.  But the good stuff is really good.  We get to actually hear how the guys feel about the stunts they’re doing.  They tell us how they came up with the ideas.  And they spend a lot more time launching each other off ramps and into people and off mountains.  And less time pooping.  (Although there is an enema-poop-long-jump thing that really kills the momentum halfway through.)

     Jackass is one of those rare entities where I think the out-takes are better than the actual movie.  And Jackass 3.5 is one of the rare DVDs that actually merits its own DVD rather than just being an extra disc of outtakes packaged with the film.  I still don’t love it, but I DO prefer it.

Year:  1993
Genre:  Blu-Ray, Thriller, Drama
Country:  United States
Language:  English
Starring:  Tom Cruise, Gene Hackman, Jeanne Tripplehorn, Hal Holbrook, Terry Kinney, Wilford Brimley, Ed Harris, Gary Busey, Holly Hunter, David Strathairn, Tobin Bell, Paul Calderon, Paul Sorvino 
Eye candy:  Tripplehorn, Karina Lombard, Barbara Garrick
Director:  Sydney Pollack
Run time:  154 minutes
DVD distributor:  Paramount Home Entertainment

     The Firm is a solid thriller, buoyed by some excellent performances courtesy Tom Cruise, Jeanne Tripplehorn and Gene Hackman.  I was just thinking the other day about how disappointed I am that Hackman has retired from acting, and how sad it is that his final film was Welcome to Mooseport.  He has 99 movies to his credit…why not just make one more for an even 100, and go out on a high note?  C’mon Gene, we miss you!

     Watching The Firm again, as it has just now been released on Blu-Ray by Paramount Home Entertainment, I rekindled my love for Mr. Hackman.  But I also forgot one of the most awesome things about this movie – Wilford Brimley!  The kindly old oat-monger, the friendly grandfather in so many films (Cocoon, The Natural).  And in The Firm, he’s actually scary as the “head of security” for the law company.  The company is an evil business enterprise affiliated with the mafia, you see, and so they hire, as their badass enforcer…Wilford Brimley!  It’s amazing because it works so well.

     Watching this movie now, in Blu-Ray HD, with the benefit of hindsight, there are a few dated moments – Ed Harris and the cops who try to get Tom Cruise to turn against The Firm are a little cartoonish, and the sinister control the firm exerts over its employees is heavy-handed from the start (“the firm encourages children!”)  But that doesn’t take away from my enjoyment of the movie, and most of it holds up very well.

     Seeing it on Blu-Ray is not a revelation, but it is certainly an improvement.  A few minor technical glitches (a splotch or two, a tiny bit of light blocking) are of no real import, and the movie does look much better.  The Firm is a movie full of vibrant colour, and the scenes that take place in the law offices are much clearer and sharp then before.  Likewise the darker scenes, like the one where Tom Cruise is seduced on the beach by a young Karina Lombard.

     One of the best movies ever made from a John Grisham novel (below A Time To Kill, above The Pelican Brief), The Firm clearly has legs.  A terrific Blu-Ray transfer today, a whole TV series dedicated to the concept tomorrow.  Yes, a TV series of The Firm is in pre-production, starring Josh Lucas as Mitch McDeere, and will be coming out in 2012.  Until then, we have this Blu-Ray.  And it’s a good one to have.