Year:  2010
Genre:  TV series, ”Reality“, Garbage
Country:  United States
Language:  English
Starring:  The worst people in the world
DVD distributor:  Paramount Home Entertainment

     Jersey Shore, I have discovered, works better when you think of it as a documentary.  A nature documentary that follows the Greater Douchebag in its natural habitat.  It’ll still piss you off.  After seven minutes of the first episode of the second season, out on DVD December 28th from Paramount Home Entertainment, I was incensed.  And sad.  And just generally devastated about the state of the world in general.  So…it’s like watching a really sad, devastating nature documentary.  Like The Cove.  I come out of both absolutely crushed by the capacity for human beings to be evil.

     Remember LeBron James and The Decision?  That painful, overly long, utterly self-indulgent one-hour special on ESPN where he finally announced he was “taking his talents” to South Beach?  And by South Beach, he of course meant Miami.  Well, the second season of Jersey Shore sees the cast members taking their talents to South Beach as well.  And by “talents”, I mean “douchebaggery”.  These people make LeBron look like the world’s most altruistic, unselfish person this side of Mother Teresa.  And Jersey Shore Season Two makes The Decision look like a Barbara Walters special.

     Which brings me to…Barbara Walters.  This year, she chose the cast of Jersey Shore as one of her “most fascinating people” specials.  I understand where she’s coming from here.  The Jersey Shore phenomenon is so inexplicable that it truly IS “fascinating”.  But Ms. Walters missed the mark by just a little bit.  The cast itself is NOT fascinating.  They are too vapid and empty and soulless to be even a little bit intriguing.

     No, the special Barbara Walters did should have focused on the people who watch Jersey Shore.  Not just those who pass by quickly, shrug and move on.  The people who buy Snooki hats.  The ones who purchase The Situation’s book.  Pause and ponder this for a moment – The Situation made more than $5 million in 2010.  Think about it.  Now dry your eyes and keep reading.  This doesn’t make The Situation interesting.  Far from it.  But it does mean that enough people like this dirtbag moron that they managed to buy enough Situation-related stuff in 2010 to make him a multi-millionaire.  The world cries.

     I think a few things about people who watch reality TV like this.  First, if you watch reality TV and turn your nose up at documentary films, you’re a dink.  Second, if you watch Jersey Shore, you’re basically watching Two Girls One Cup.  It’s awful people doing awful things that, if you have an ounce of humanity inside you, will make you sick to your stomach.  And if you’re buying Snooki hats, it’s akin to purchasing a Two Girls One Cup fan T-shirt.  Actually, I should start marketing those…

     Okay.  That’s it.  I can’t talk about this show any more.  I’m too angry to live, and I can’t see my computer screen through my tears.  I weep for you, soul of America.

Year:  2010
Genre:  TV series, Comedy, Drama
Country:  United States
Language:  English
Starring:  Toni Collette, John Corbett, Toni Collette, Brie Larson, Toni Collette, Keir Gilchrist, Toni Collette, Rosemarie DeWitt, Toni Collette, Patton Oswalt, Pamela Reed, Fred Ward, Nathan Corddry, Hayley McFarland, Andrew Lawrence, Jessica St. Clair, Valerie Mahaffey, Joel Gretsch
Eye candy:  Collette, Larson, Collette, DeWitt, Collette, St. Clair
Creator:  Diablo Cody
Producers:  Steven Spielberg, Alexa Junge
Run time:  5 hours 32 minutes
DVD distributor:  Paramount Home Entertainment

     I still love United States of Tara.  The minute I got my hands on Season Two, out December 28th from Paramount Home Entertainment, I had to sit down and watch the entire thing, all 12 episodes in one day.  The thing is – I realized I had forgotten large portions of the first season.  It all came back as I watched, of course, but I thought it had been more memorable than that.

     The second season is much like the first – little hints are dropped about Tara’s past, and what makes her so nutty.  She has some sort of pact with her sister…but that amounts to nothing.  She discovers she was once placed in foster care…that might be a big revelation.  Or maybe not.  She has an older half-brother…that could be huge…but we’ll have to wait until next season to find out.  (Remember, of course, that the Big Revelation at the end of Season One proved to be just a dead end.)

     Through the first five episodes or so, the only “alter” that shows up is Buck, the foul-mouthed trucker dude.  That’s cool, cause Buck is doing cool stuff.  Namely, having a (sort-of?) lesbian relationship with the lovely Joey Lauren Adams, a neighbourhood bartender.  This (sort-of?) infidelity becomes a big issue through the rest of the season.  Which is cool.  Another “alter” is created, this time a therapist, as Tara in a way becomes her own psychiatrist.  That’s cool too.

     What’s not cool is the clutter.  There are too many side issues happening for my liking.  Tara’s son Marshall goes back and forth with his sexuality, beginning a very awkward and uncomfortable relationship with a girl, then trying to get out of it.  Charmaine, Tara’s obnoxious sister, becomes far MORE obnoxious after getting engaged, flashing her ring around and becoming more self-obsessed than ever.  Then she discovers that the baby she’s carrying belongs to Neil (Patton Oswalt), and not her fiance Nick, and things get even more irritating.

     Then there’s the drama surrounding Tara’s husband Max, who gets arrested for assault and begins an infidelity of his own.  This drama is OK, because it has something to do with Tara herself and her illness.  And as a diversion, her daughter Kate’s new job as a collections agent and her relationship with a crazy artist-lady is good for a few laughs and would make for a solid sidebar.  On its own.

     That’s my only real complaint with Season Two.  There’s too much going on.  And the reason I complain about it is that it detracts from the central story, which is the only thing that’s really of interest to me.  And the more external drama I see, the more I think this show is going to drag on and on as long as it remains profitable.  I lost interest in Lost pretty fast, I stopped keeping up with lots of other Big Mystery shows…I haven’t lost interest in United States of Tara yet, but I’m just saying – it could happen, and soon.

Year:  1960, 1961, 1962, 1963, 1964, 1965, 1966, 1967, 1968, 1986
Genre:  TV series, Comedy
Country:  United States
Language:  English
Starring:  Andy Griffith, Don Knotts, Ron Howard, Frances Bavier, Jim Nabors, Danny Thomas
Creator:  Sheldon Leonard
DVD distributor:  Paramount Home Entertainment

     I have never before seen the Andy Griffith Show.  Of course, it’s one of those iconic shows that is so famous that I knew all about it.  I know that classic whistling theme music.  I know Andy and Opie and Barney Fife and Gomer Pyle and Aunt Bee.  (To be fair, I know Aunt Bee only because of her appearance on Gomer Pyle U.S.M.C.  Yes, I saw Gomer Pyle U.S.M.C. before I saw The Andy Griffith Show.)  At any rate, with the release of the 50th Anniversary collection Best of Mayberry, on DVD December 21st from Paramount Home Entertainment, I was excited to finally sit down and see what this show was all about.

     The Andy Griffith Show was off the air ten years before I was born.  It depicts a community, an ethos and warm-apple-pie values that I am not convinced ever actually existed.  That being said, this is one of those shows that makes me feel nostalgic for something that may never have actually taken place, for a place that was never on any map, for a lazy friendly community that was probably impossible no matter what era.  There’s something terrifically familiar about The Andy Griffith Show, even for someone like me who has never seen it before, and who has never experienced this idyllic portrayal of life in the 60s.

     I assume it’s shows like this one that create that sense among older people today that things were just better back in the 50s and 60s.  Remember how back then, women always made apple pie and cooled it on the window sill, boys would be boys, girls would wear pretty dresses and play with dolls, and every father in America would come home after a hard day’s work, kiss his wife, eat his dinner, and dish out wise advice to his children with appropriate gravitas.  I keep hearing people saying that “family values” were better in this era, that people worked harder and were happier and loved their spouse more and blah blah blah.  Watch Andy Griffith for ten minutes, and I can see that people might think that.

     Then again, watch Andy Griffith for thirty minutes, and you might remember that things really were not as idyllic and lovely as they seem through the revisionist lens of a television camera that shows a non-existent world.  At the end of every episode on this DVD, the characters in the show do a quick endorsement for a product of some kind.  Often it’s coffee and breakfast cereal, sometimes other food.  I love seeing this stuff – I think the scripted endorsements actually make me feel more nostalgic for this time than the show itself. 

     And they are more telling than is the show – especially the one for Jell-O cake mixes, which tells me that the little woman is working herself to distraction in the house, what with the laundry and the cleaning and having to cook dinner – how can we make dessert easier on her?  Well, with the easy-bake Jell-O cake mix, of course!  She will be so much happier if we take nine minutes off her prep time for cakes – and then imagine how the counters will sparkle!  She’ll have nine more minutes to clean!

     So these are my first impressions of The Andy Griffith Show.  My second impression is one of Andy Griffith himself.  I’m very familiar with Griffith from Matlock, because I’ve watched that show for year.  I love me my Matlock.  Now, I’ve never seen Andy Griffith interviewed.  But I suspect that maybe, more than any other actor in the world, he is just like the characters he plays.  I really get the sense that if I were to run into this man today, he would invite me into his house just because, and he would stop by a hot dog cart on the way, and he would have a rocking chair and slippers and extra guitars so he can jam with random guests who stop by.  This is what I picture.

     At any rate, this is a DVD set that I just love.  I think this show was one of the best ever, and it still makes me laugh today.  When Don Knotts gets all smarmy and pompous, I giggle.  He wants to be in the town choir even though his singing makes everyone cringe.  Maybe my favourite episode is the one where he gets into a war with Gomer Pyle over traffic tickets and arrests himself.  And the one with his motorcycle and sidecar is hilarious.

     There isn’t a ton of Gomer Pyle on this DVD set, I guess because he didn’t show up until later.  There’s a lot of Opie and a couple of episodes with the Darlings, a backwoods bunch of Bluegrass-playing hicks with a slutty daughter.  The special features are great too – the first episode on the first disc is the episode of the Danny Thomas Show which introduced sheriff Andy Taylor and his family to the world, and the final disc has the TV movie Return To Mayberry, where Andy Griffith, Ron Howard, Don Knotts, Jim Nabors and twelve other cast members reunited to drum up some nostalgia.  And there’s a monster in a lake, a plot straight out of Scooby-Doo.  Well…not everything in the Andy Griffith Show can be a winner, I guess.

Year:  2010
Genre:  Kids, Animation
Country:  United States
Language:  English
Starring (voices):  Mike Myers, Cameron Diaz,  Eddie Murphy, Walt Dohrn, Regis Philbin, Larry King, Ryan Seacrest, Meredith Vieira, Kathy Griffin, Lake Bell, John Cleese, Jane Lynch, Julie Andrews, Antonio Banderas, Jon Hamm
Director:  Mike Mitchell
Run time:  93 minutes
DVD distributor:  Paramount Home Entertainment

     Shrek Forever After was a relief, a breath of fresh air for me.  I approached this movie with a large amount of trepidation.  I hated – hated – the last two Shrek movies.  That third one was one of the worst animated movies of all time.  Of course, that didn’t stop my kids from wanting to watch it over and over, while I left the room and busied myself unclogging sinks and replacing lightbulbs and building cabinets.  A lot of work got done around my house in 2008 thanks to my refusal to watch Shrek the Third ever again.

     Of course, this meant that when the new Shrek arrived, the kids desperately wanted to see this one as well.  And here’s where I tell other parents to take heart – forget everything you remember about Shrek The Third.  That is, assuming you can still remember it and have not repressed large portions of the film as have I.  Shrek Forever After is actually good.  Good enough to watch, good enough to wash the taste of the last two out of your mouths for a time.

     That being said, there are still vastly superior kids movies out right now – Despicable Me, Toy Story 3, and so forth.  But you can’t go wrong with this one either, as the film has gone back to its roots in a big way.  And that first Shrek was great.  In this one, the lovable big green ogre is dealing with some mid-life male menopausal angst, and longing for his old, simple life in the swamp.  He’s overwhelmed with the wife and the kids and the adoring townspeople, and he misses the angry mobs and the fear he used to strike into the hearts of those same townspeople.

     This is easy for most of us to understand.  Most of us adults, anyway.  We all have moments like this, where the mundane everyday details of life feel like an enormous burden and we long for the days where we were single, free and devoid of responsibility altogether.  The moments are fleeting, but when they happen we are at our most vulnerable.  And so it is with Shrek, who signs a contract with the devious Rumplestiltskin at his lowest moment, exchanging his life for one day the way it used to be.

     Of course, the contract he signs is not what it seems, and it creates an alternate universe in which Rumplestiltskin owns the whole kingdom and Shrek has never existed.  He must re-introduce himself to Donkey, Puss In Boots, and finally his wife Fiona.  He also has to fight witches, escape from the palace and figure out how to break the contract.

     What happens is that once again, Shrek is the odd one out, the hero uncomfortable with the role, and a sort of bumbling awkward behemoth trying to find his way through a world with which he’s not familiar.  This is what made the first film terrific, and it really works here as well.  Fiona is now a warrior ogre, fighting the evil Rumplestiltskin and his army of witches with her team of resistance ogres.  Puss is now a fat, pampered slob.  And Donkey works for the witches.

     Of course, because this is a fairy tale movie for kids, it all boils down to True Love’s Kiss and Shrek trying to get Fiona to fall in love with him again.  That’s fine, but it’s the most boring part of what otherwise is a very action-packed, adventurous movie.

     If the love story is the worst part of Shrek Forever After, the best thing about it is that it isn’t trying to be funny.  The last two movies tried way too hard, throwing in stupid fairy tale references in lame attempts to get cheap laughs.  In this film, the laughter is genuine, and comes mostly from some really great musical set pieces, like the one where Shrek becomes just a regular ogre once again.  The soundtrack is surprising, and I love the fact that all of a sudden a Beastie Boys song comes out of nowhere, or Puss suddenly starts playing Bob Marley.

     Shrek Forever After is not a perfect movie.  But it’s way better than the last couple, and you won’t regret watching it with your kids.  You may even enjoy it yourself, as I did.  Can’t ask for much more in a kids’ flick.

Year:  2009
Genre:  Drama
Countries:  Belgium, Germany, Netherlands
Language:  Spanish w/ English subtitles
Starring:  Olivier Gourmet, Jasmin Tabatabai, Magaly Solier
Directors:  Peter Brosens, Jessica Woodworth
Run time:  109 minutes
DVD distributor:  First Run Features

     Altiplano is pretty short on dialogue.  We meet Grace, a freelance photographer traumatized by her recent horrific experience in a war zone.  It’s a harsh and frightening way to begin a film.  Her husband is a doctor who is traveling to Peru to provide aid to the locals in a remote mountain area.  Saturnina is a lovely young woman living in one of those villages, and she has just become engaged to a local man.

     That’s the setup, and from there Altiplano meanders around through a series of images that are alternately perplexing and compelling.  This is not a straightforward narrative, nor is it a surrealist David Lynch experiment.  Whatever it is, it’s beautiful.  Saturnina loses her fiance to mercury poisoning, and the rest of her village begins to fall victim to the same ailment.  They don’t understand what’s going on, and they take out their anger on the doctors who have just arrived in the area.  During the conflict, Grace’s husband is killed.

     As Grace begins to make her way to Peru to the place where her husband died, Saturnina takes drastic action to protest the big corporate mining companies who have destroyed the land and poisoned her people.  The souls of the two women slowly approach one another, even though the two have never met.

     There is an extensive explanation of the film in the special features, but I would suggest watching it first.  Altiplano, out December 14th from First Run Features, is the kind of movie that I think everyone will interpret slightly differently.  In the meantime, you get to enjoy the breathtaking camera work and imagery, each shot is carefully constructed and unique, and the film really works.  No matter how you look at it.

Year:  2009
Genre:  Documentary
Countries:  Zimbabwe, South Africa, Namibia, UK
Language:  English 
Director:  Lucy Bailey
Run time:  94 minutes
DVD distributor:  First Run Features

     Sometimes a documentary gets me fired up, like I’m going to leap up and do something to fix what’s happening in the world.  Like I learn about how my food is killing me, and I eat different food.  Or, I discover that Japan is slaughtering dolphins and whales with impunity, and I…join a facebook group or something.  There’s not always a lot you can do, outraged though you may be.

     And such is the case with Mugabe and the White African, out December 14th from First Run Features.  Robert Mugabe, the president of Zimbabwe since 1980, has a controversial “land reform” program that began almost a decade ago.  The program is really land redistribution, as the government confiscates land from corporations and wealthy Europeans and redistributes it to poor black farmers who have never before had a chance to farm or own their own land.

     At least, that’s the theory, and that’s the Mugabe party line.  In reality, foreign landowners and corporate titans are not the targets of the land redistribution.  It turns out that only white people are kicked off their land, and the farms don’t go to the poor, or even to farmers.  They become the property of Mugabe’s cronies.  The girlfriend of his interior minister.  The cousin of his head of security.  And so on.  The farms go untended, no farming is done, and it’s well known how disastrous the economic conditions in Zimbabwe have become, in large part because of these fundamentally foolish land takeovers.

     Watching Mugabe and the White African made me upset.  This wanton racism and disregard for the welfare of his own country made me sad.  But there wasn’t much I could do about it.  Instead, I got a chance to watch the story of Mike Campbell, a white farmer in Zimbabwe who had an opportunity to actually effect change.  Whether he did or not…I’m not going to ruin the end of the film.  I hope you watch it.  Know that it will fill you with impotent rage and sadness, but that it’s worth the ride.

     The main reason to watch Mugabe and the White African is not for any kind of activist reason – it’s simply because this is a really, really good movie.  In fact, it’s a great movie.  The story of Campbell and his family is fascinating.  We see them at the depths of despair as Mugabe’s thugs close in on their property.  The Campbells take their case to an internationl tribunal elsewhere in Africa, and we see them frustrated and angry as their case gets delayed again and again in an attempt to put them off.

     The determination and bravery of Mike and the rest of his family are inspirational.  Through intimidation, the Campbells continue to surreptitiously videotape the aggressors at great risk to themselves.  Through a horrible beating suffered by Mike, his wife, and his son-in-law at the hands of Mugabe’s thugs, their resolve is only strengthened.  Through setback after setback, they keep fighting for justice to be done.

     It’s that story, and the footage that accompanies it, that makes this a memorable and powerful movie.  Just knowing this kind of thing is happening on the other side of the world is enough to make your blood boil, but to actually see it for yourself is something else entirely.  Mugabe And The White African was shortlisted for the documentary film Oscar last year, the prize that was eventually won by The Cove.

Year:  1959
Genre:  Western, TV series
Country:  United States
Language:  English
Starring:  James Arness, Milburn Stone, Amanda Blake, Dennis Weaver, Ken Curtis
Creators:  John Meston, Norman MacDonnell
Run time:  8 hours 43 minutes
DVD distributor:  Paramount Home Entertainment

     After the fourth season of Gunsmoke, I’m starting to lose faith.  Like, I get it – Marshall Matt Dillon is a certified badass, the toughest man in the world and the fastest gun and the wisest lawman and he always gets his man.  Or woman.  Or horse or whatever.  All good.  All admirable and cool and if I had been a kid in the 50s I would totally have wanted to be James Arness.

     But when I look at crime statistics these days, the percentage of crimes solved is not the main criteria for quality law enforcement.  No, more emphasis of late has been placed on crime prevention.  And it is in this regard that Marshall Dillon is clearly falling short.  His reputation precedes him – he’s the fastest and the toughest and he’ll gun ya down soon as look at cha.  And yet – no one seems overly concerned.  There is still an AWFUL lot of crime in Dodge City.  And a lot of killin’s and murders and people who want to kill the Marshall himself!

     It has now been four years.  And the crime rate in Dodge City, if anything, has gone UP.  That is not effective policing, I think you will agree.  And it IS tempting to place blame with the rest of the force, ie: Chester.  But on further reflection, I can’t place the blame at the feet of Chester, because the buck must stop with the top man.  And I’m afraid Marshall Dillon just didn’t make the cut.  I assume that the coming seasons of Gunsmoke will see a sharp dip in criminal activity, or Marshall Dillon is sure to lose his job.  There’s only a couple more seasons of Gunsmoke, right?

Years:  1977, 1978
Genre:  TV series, Cop, Drama
Country:  United States
Language:  English
Starring:  Jack Lord, James MacArthur, Kam Fong, Al Harrington
Guest stars:  Jean Simmons, Kurt Russell, Tim Matheson
Creator:  Leonard Freeman
Run time:  19 hours, 51 minutes
DVD distributor:  Paramount Home Entertainment

     In the tenth season of Hawaii Five-O, out December 14th from Paramount Home Entertainment, there are a lot of exotic bad guys.  The first episode is about an IRA terrorist, a man who dresses up like a priest and tries to get weapons and explosives through Hawaii.  Why someone would want to get weapons through Hawaii in order to bring them back to Ireland for the purposes of terrorism, I have no idea.  But he seems like a nice enough sociopath, and he has a hot chick accomplice, so that’s alright.

     Then there’s an episode about a super-rich Greek guy and his giant-ass boat that is taken over by armed thugs.  And then there’s the European babe tennis star who defects with her boyfriend.  And I’m thinking, what’s with all these exotic foreigners, Hawaii Five-O?  Is Hawaii itself no longer exotic enough?  The palm trees and the random girls in bikinis and the smoking babes that populated every episode needed some sprucing up?  A little added sex appeal?

     Whatever.  I’m just stretching for something to say, really.  It’s Hawaii Five-O.  It’s fun.  The DVD set is good to have around because you can always throw on an episode and enjoy it.  And it’s Season Ten, on DVD now.  And that’s all I got.

     Claude Chabrol, the legendary French New Wave director whose oeuvre spanned more than 60 movies, all infused with suspense and creepy tension, died earlier in 2010.  First Run Features is now releasing a two-DVD set of Chabrol films, featuring two of his lesser-known late-career thrillers.  Both are very good, both are worth seeing.  It’s also a decent introduction to Chabrol for those who are not familiar with his work, as these are two fairly accessible movies compared to the rest of his output.

  Merci Pour Le Chocolat (********8/10)

Year:  2000
Genre:  Drama, Thriller
Countries:  France, Switzerland
Language:  French w/ English subtitles
Starring:  Isabelle Huppert, Jacques Dutronc, Rodolphe Pauly, Anna Mougalis
Director:  Claude Chabrol
Run time:  99 minutes
DVD distributor:  First Run Features

     Merci Pour Le Chocolat translates literally as “Thanks For The Chocolate”, but the screen shot that opens the film calls the movie Nightcap for English audiences.  I like that title.  Somehow, having seen the movie, the word “nightcap” holds more subtle menace than does “chocolate”. 

     There are a few story lines that make up Nightcap.  One is about Jeanne (Anna Mougalis), an aspiring pianist, who discovers an old family secret.  Although it is unlikely to be true, there is a slim chance that she was switched at birth with another baby.  The other child was the son, Guillaume (Rodolphe Pauly) of world-famous concert pianist Andre Polonski (Jacques Dutronc).  Jeanne plays piano, could her father be this incredible pianist?

     Another story line involves the pianist himself and his new wife Mika (the wonderful Isabelle Huppert).  They have a strange relationship, almost disinterested and passive-aggressive most of the time.  Their seemingly happy family has a cloud hanging over it, stemming from the mysterious death several years earlier of Andre’s first wife (and Guillaume’s mother) Lisbeth.

     Jeanne goes to visit Andre out of morbid curiosity, more than anything else.  She doesn’t really believe he is her real father, but the coincidence is intriguing.  On her first visit there, she catches Mika intentionally dropping a thermos full of chocolate.  Jeanne later finds out that the chocolate in that thermos was spiked with Rohypnol, the date rape drug.  And so begins the intrigue.

     The whole film is tense in the way Hitchcock made his movies tense.  We, the audience, know a little bit more than do most of the characters in the film.  We suspect that Mika is a nefarious character, but we don’t really know how or why.  We suspect that she is drugging people, but if she is, her motive for doing so is elusive and shrouded in mystery.  It’s a terrific work.  Not Chabrol’s best, but well worth revisiting.  Here’s your chance to do so.

  La Demoiselle d’Honneur (*******7/10)

Year:  2004
Genre:  Drama, Thriller
Countries:  France, Germany
Language:  French w/ English subtitles
Starring:  Benoit Magimel, Laura Smet, Aurore Clement
Director:  Claude Chabrol
Run time:  110 minutes
DVD distributor:  First Run Features

     The Bridesmaid relies heavily on the performance of Laura Smet, who has to do two things.  As Senta, the femme fatale title character, she must be so convincingly sexy that I believe her “victim”, Phillippe (Benoit Magimel), would fall head over heels for her, losing all perspective on what a relationship should be.  At the same time, she has to be utterly crazy, and totally loony when it comes to what she believes a relationship is.  It’s the only way the movie would work.

     Basically, Chabrol asks us to buy into a relationship that makes little sense.  A button down, hard working real estate man loses himself entirely when a strange beautiful woman throws herself at him.  He loses himself so much, in fact, that if he were to discover that she was some kind of serial killer he would still be madly in love with her.  That stretches credibility, on its surface.

     But Laura Smet is so good, and so convincing, that I could actually see it.  I know what a brand new relationship is like, the rush of new love and so forth.  And I can see it being that much more intense with a woman who is, to borrow a phrase from John Mayer, sexual napalm.  And I can see such intensity in Smet that she can’t help but transfer it to her unfortunate partner Phillippe.

     As with most Chabrol works, there is more going on in this movie than a young man’s insane relationship with a deranged woman who may or may not be a killer.  There is also the wedding of Phillippe’s younger sister.  There is a lot made of the relationship his mother (the terrific Aurore Clement) has with a mysterious man named Gerard.  And there is a creepy stone bust that comes into the movie at strange times, so Phillippe can sleep with it.  Or kiss it.

     But in the end, what stayed with me was Laura Smet.  Her maniac obsession, her violent mood swings, her childlike vulnerability, and her magnetic sexuality.  She is The Bridesmaid.  Not just the character, but the whole movie.

Year:  1969
Genre:  Western, Classic
Country:  United States
Language:  English
Starring:  John Wayne, Robert Duvall, Dennis Hopper, Strother Martin, Kim Darby, Glen Campbell, Jay Silverheels
Director:  Henry Hathaway
Run time:  128 minutes
DVD distributor:  Paramount Home Entertainment

     True Grit was a competent western.  In fact, it was a pretty good western.  But I must say right off the top that I just don’t think it deserves the acclaim it has received over the years.  Oh, it’s a classic for a reason – there are some good scenes, Rooster Cogburn is one of cinema’s most memorable characters, there are some interesting appearances by a young Robert Duvall and a young Dennis Hopper, “fill your hands, you son of a bitch” is one of the most classic John Wayne lines, and of course this was the movie for which the Duke received his one and only Oscar.

     That being said, the Oscar bestowed upon Wayne here was more of a lifetime achievement award than an actual recognition of his work in this film.  While Cogburn is certainly memorable, he’s not a big stretch for Wayne, who was an easy and natural fit for the role.  Even he seemed a little bemused by his Academy Award, and joked that after a long career with hundreds of films, he had to play a “one-eyed fat man” to finally win.

     I would agree with the Duke there.  Off the top of my head, I can think of dozens of better performances.  Red River, She Wore A Yellow Ribbon, The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance, The Quiet Man, the list goes on and on.  And of course, there is the definitive John Wayne movie, maybe the greatest western ever made and (I certainly think) the Duke’s greatest performance, The Searchers.  Any of those movies could have earned him an Oscar, and it would have been well deserved.

     But back to True Grit.  Wayne is solid, the movie is good, and the supporting cast is surprising.  With one major exception – Kim Darby, as 14-year-old Mattie Ross, is the most irritating child character in a movie this side of Edward Furlong in Terminator 2 or that long-haired kid in Dazed And Confused.  She hires Rooster Cogburn to track down the man who killed her father, choosing him for his “true grit”.  Never mind that he’s a sloppy, disgusting, unreliable alcoholic, he has balls and guts and toughness, and that’s what little Mattie wants.  And she’ll guide this buffoon along the trail until the time comes for gunfighting, at which point she’ll just stand aside.  Cool?

     A few little things could have made True Grit better.  A less obnoxious heroine (since Mattie is in the movie as much as Rooster, her annoying persona almost entirely cancels out his compelling persona).  A more interesting bad guy.  More focus on who the bad guy really is.  You know, little things.  And that’s why I’m excited for the remake.

     Obviously, Paramount Home Entertainment is releasing True Grit on Blu-Ray now, December 14th, to help promote their upcoming remake by the Coen Brothers.  (I have no problem with that – I’m excited for the remake too, and I included the new trailer up above.)  The Coen Brothers are, of course, the best film makers working today.  Jeff Bridges, Matt Damon and Josh Brolin are three of the best actors in the world.  I have high, high hopes for the new film.  But the idea of a remake here works only because there is a ton of room for improvement over the original.

     Of course, I think you should watch the original movie as well.  It’s on the shelves now, in Blu-Ray form, and the HD is a solid upgrade.  The best thing about the disc is the special features, which include a feature-length commentary and a quick doc about working with John Wayne.  It’s hard to watch this film again without getting overly enthusiastic about the big theatrical release coming up.

Year:  1960
Genre:  TV series, Western
Country:  United States
Language:  English
Starring:  Lorne Greene, Michael Landon, Pernell Roberts, Dan Blocker
Creator:  David Dortort
Run time:  13 hours, 12 minutes
DVD distributor:  Paramount Home Entertainment

     Oh, those Cartwrights.  So good, so honourable, so wise and upstanding, every one of them.  In the first episode of Season Two Volume One, out December 7th from Paramount Home Entertainment, a dangeruos gang of bank robbers holes up and hides out near the Ponderosa.  Through a strange leap in logic and a stretch in plotting, one of the gang members gets himself hired on at the Ponderosa by the Cartwrights so he can spy on the sheriff and the marshalls.

     The Cartwrights immediately accept this stranger as one of their own, and they show him all the kindness, hospitality and friendliness befitting a member of the family.  Only Little Joe is wary of the new hired hand, but the others refuse to listen.  See, they’re all about seeing only the good in people, and no man is guilty until proven guilty, and Little Joe is just sour cause the new guy is a better horse rider and macked on his girl a little, see?

     Soon, the overwhelming kindness and reasonable nature of the Cartwrights – the selflessness of Adam, the jovial friendship of Hoss, and the wise gravitas of Ben – overwhelm this crook.  And before long, he renounces his life of violence, confesses his life story tale of woe, and turns in his evil gang mates all thanks to having met the Greatest Family Who Ever Lived.  Yes, it’s all utterly silly and far-fetched, especially for a 40-minute run time.  But it’s fun, and it’s easy, and it’s Bonanza!

Years:  1979, 1980
Genre:  TV series, Drama
Country:  United States
Language:  English
Starring:  Robert Urich, Phyllis Davis, Bart Braverman, Greg Morris, Will Sampson, Tony Curtis
Guest stars:  Melanie Griffith, Dean Martin, Pat Hingle, Shelley Winters, Wayne Newton
Eye candy:  All kinds.  Strippers, showgirls, hookers, everyone is apparently hot in Vegas.  Also Griffith (before she looked like the Joker), Terri Nunn, Pamela Susan Shoop, Barbi Benton, Linda Thompson, Lisa Hartman
Creator:  Michael Mann
Run time:  9 hours 27 minutes
DVD distributor:  Paramount Home Entertainment
DVD extras:  Episodic promos on selected episodes.  That’s it.

     It must be so difficult to be Dan Tanna.  How is he able to solve crimes when he has to navigate his way through so many women?  He gets called in to investigate threats made against a bunch of supermodels, and the women throw themselves at him.  How is a man to get any work done?  Thankfully, in that particular episode, one of the supermodels (Playboy legend Barbi Benton) is an ex-girlfriend of his, and they rekindle their romance so the other models go away.

     Of course, it’s doubly difficult to be Dan Tanna.  Because you know that if you ARE Dan Tanna, and you DO rekindle a romance with someone, that person must, of course, end up murdered by the end of the episode.  Dan Tanna MUST remain single and slutty for this show to work!  So any real romantic love interests for him are like the orange-clad ensigns on Star Trek.  Introduced for the purposes of killing them off.  No wonder Tanna is so reluctant to settle down!

     One of the cool things about Season Two, Volume Two, out December 7th from Paramount Home Entertainment, is the impressive guest list.  Vegas stalwarts like Dean Martin and Wayne Newton, singing stars like Lisa Hartman (who later married Clint Black) and Terri Nunn (remember the band Berlin?)  Then there are the reliable, recognizable faces like Pat Hingle and Tony Curtis and a young Melanie Griffith. 

     It’s pretty clear how every episode is going to go, but it’s fun to see the familar faces of all these guest stars, and the show is just fun, in general.  Hot babes and cars and bright lights and straightforward private investigations that really should be carried out by the police.  (Greg Morris, as the token policeman, seems to do just as much work on each case as does Tanna himself.)  Whatever.  It’s an escape, and it’s a decent one.

Year:  2010
Genre:  Kids, Cartoon, TV series
Country:  United States
Language:  English
Starring:  Bill Fagerbakke, Carolyn Lawrence, Clancy Brown
Director:  Paul Tibbitt
DVD distributor:  Paramount Home Entertainment

     Remarkably, Spongebob Squarepants Season Six, Volume Two picks up right where Spongebob Squarepants Season Six, Volume One left off.  Like we never left!  Like it’s just the continuation of the same season of the same TV series.  Imagine that.

     And of course, by this, I mean that it’s still good.  The second volume of season six, out December 7th from Paramount Home Entertainment, kicks off with episodes about Squidward auditioning for the Bikini Bottom choir, Spongebob becoming the richest resident of the town, and Patrick coming into possession of the Most Valuable Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy trading card in the world.  They’re all full of morals and so forth, and the bonkers Spongebob goodness I have come to expect.

     One thing I don’t understand is the way Spongebob seasons work, and these DVDs are released.  This Volume Two set comes out a full year after the Volume One set, and Season Six appears to have stretched over two years from summer of 2008 to summer of 2010.  Season Seven began in 2010, and there has already been a DVD release of a bunch of episodes from what appears to be that season called Spongebob’s Last Stand.  So…we’re kinda going backwards here in a way…I think…

     Whatever.  I see that there is to be a Season Eight of Spongebob, coming up between 2011 and 2014 somwhere and somehow.  All I know is that I’m pleased about it.