Year:  2010
Genre:  Horror
Country:  United States
Language:  English
Starring:  Patrick Fabian, Ashley Bell, Iris Bahr, Louis Herthum, Caleb Landry Jones 
Director:  Daniel Stamm
Run time:  88 minutes

     I think we’ve now, officially, reached the end of what “mockumentary” style filmmaking can do for the horror genre.  I’ve seen the monster mockumentary, Cloverfield, and I really liked it.  I saw Blair Witch, the creepy-woods mockumentary, and I really liked it.  I thought Paranormal Activity was decent, the haunted-house mockumentary.  And Diary of the Dead, George Romero’s zombie-themed mockumentary, had moments.

     But that’s it.  It’s all over.  There is nothing more to be done in the horror genre that can plausibly benefit from being shot in a mockumentary style.  And The Last Exorcism may be the final (merciful) nail in that coffin.  The thing is, I liked the premise.  Cotton Marcus is a preacher who has been performing exorcisms since he was ten, even though he hasn’t believed in a long time.  He’s basically a charlatan who excuses his own callousness by convincing himself that he’s bringing comfort to people who believe they need an exorcism, even when he knows they do not.

     But after the death of a child during an exorcism gone wrong, Cotton decides that he needs to bring an end to the practice altogether.  So he brings a film crew along with him as he performs his final, fake exorcism.  He’s going to show the documentary crew how the effects of an exorcism are done, and how it’s all a big show.  Then, of course, the possession turns out to be real, and scariness ensues.  Or at least, it’s supposed to ensue.

     Cotton (Patrick Fabian) and the young possessed girl Nell (Ashley Bell) are fantastic, and so is Nell’s father Louis (Louis Herthum) and her brother Caleb (Caleb Landry Jones).  By the way – aside from Cotton and Nell, every single character in the movie has the same name as the actor playing that character.  Are all the actors that dumb?  Did the writers just not care about names?  I have no idea why this is the case, but it’s certainly unusual.  Anyway.

     The central actors are really good.  Cotton is very likeable.  Louis is suitably religious and nutty.  Caleb is creepy.  And Nell is alternately sweet and meek, and out of her mind vicious.  So for the first half hour, The Last Exorcism really held my attention.  After that though, I knew the ending.  And how it would play out.  I have seen Rosemary’s Baby, Blair Witch and The Exorcist, and this is just a mashup of all three. 

     I think the reason that mockumentary style no longer works is that we’ve seen it enough by now.  No longer can I sit back and get taken away, into the idea that I’m watching a real person operating a real camera, whose death could actually be real.  That notion is entirely gone from my mind, the “mockumentary” style just another camera style in a genre of movie that has used a ton of different camera styles over the years.  And so it has lost its impact, in a big way.

  “Hey…I’m a nice guy.”

Year:  2010
Genre:  Action
Country:  United States
Language:  English
Starring:  Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Dolph Lundgren, Jet Li, “Stone Cold” Steve Austin, Randy Couture, Eric Roberts, Mickey Rourke, Terry Crews, David Zayas, Charisma Carpenter, Giselle Itie
Cameos:  Arnold Schwarzenegger, Bruce Willis
Eye candy:  Carpenter, Itie
Director:  Stallone
Run time:  103 minutes

     You know when you meet up with your buddies from say, college, or high school?  And you know how, for the first hour, you all tell each other stories about the old days?  You tell them stories about the time you got drunk and built a campfire out of a picnic table in the neighbour’s backyard.  They know the stories, because they were there, but it’s something you all share and it’s a comfortable and familiar memory for everyone.  And then, after an hour of such stories have gone by, you realize that all you have with these people is in the past, and you really don’t care what they’re up to any more.  That’s like The Expendables.  It’s an hour of familiar comfort.  After that, it’s just shit exploding.

     I would like to take issue with the way the movie has been marketed.  All The 80s Action Heroes Together In One Movie!  This is, of course, entirely false.  There are ONLY TWO 80s action heroes in this film.  Sylvester Stallone, who also wrote and produced, and Dolph Lundgren.  That’s it.  And Lundgren is not an 80s action hero because of Rocky IV, but rather because of that cheesy, incredibly awful first Punisher movie.  Oh, and the whole sad Universal Soldier debacle.  Lundgren’s out of the way.  Let’s go through this, actor by actor.  Oh, but first, a reason Lundgren was 80S GREAT…

     Stallone is the star.  He wrote, produced, directed and acted in this film, which is a vanity picture in a way.  He has real action cred – the Rambo movies alone are a good enough history to make him a bona fide “action” star.  He’s had others, and he’s been Rocky, but it’s all about Rambo here.  You know, if Rambo had ever worked with other people in any way.  Or had the ability to communicate with others.

     Jason Statham is the number two man.  Statham has some good action cred under his belt.  The Transporter has been a successful series of awful movies.  The Crank series has been fun.  Lock Stock And Two Smoking Barrels was great, as was Snatch and The Bank Job.  But then, Statham is not, in any way, an 80s action star.  He is a current action star, and probably the most bankable actor-name in the whole film.

     The second-most bankable actor-name in The Expendables belongs to Jet Li.  Jet Li is a bona fide international action superstar.  He has crafted some of the most memorable performances in the history of international movies.  Once Upon A Time In China, Hero, the list goes on and on.  But like Statham, Li is a current action movie star, and has no tie whatsoever to the 80s.  (His real breakthrough, the magnificent Once Upon A Time In China, was released in 1991.)  Li has the best fight scene in the movie, a crazy fun battle with Dolph Lundgren that is interesting only because there’s about a two-foot height difference between the two.  It’s more of a sight gag than a real fight though – for a REALLY cool height mismatch, check out Bruce Lee’s Game of Death, where he fights Kareem Abdul-Jabbar!  Bruce Lee would have been a good fit here…too bad he’s dead.  But the obvious choice was Jackie Chan, who was also a Hong-Kong action Kung-Fu superstar.  But at least he’s from the 80s as well!

     Terry Crews.  I like him, a lot, and he was great on Everybody Hates Chris.  He was even decent in Gamer and some other awful action movies.  But he isn’t, really, an action star at all.  He’s the overly muscled, ridiculous dad from Everybody Hates Chris.  That’s it.

     Eric Roberts may have appeared in Best of the Best.  But he’s no action superstar.  He’s Julia Roberts’ brother.  And, at best, the bad guy in the Stallone ass-fest The Specialist.  But really, he’s just Eric Roberts.  So…meh.

     Mickey Rourke may have been a boxer in real life.  He has the face and scars to prove it.  But he is no ACTION movie star.  He had a brief moment of glory in the 80s, but his real peak is now, after his tour-de-force performance in The Wrestler.

     Speaking of wrestlers, what the shit is Stone Cold Steve Austin doing in this movie?  He’s not even an action movie star, he’s a wrestler!  Yeah, I know he’s done a few movies, but who watched them outside brain-dead wrestling fans?  At the end of The Expendables he fights Randy Couture.  Which is fitting, because Couture isn’t AT ALL an actor either.  He’s a fighter.  Which is slightly different from a wrestler in the real world, but exactly the same on film.

     Then there’s Arnold Schwarzenegger and Bruce Willis.  Both are genuine 80s action superstars.  Both are enormous names in movies.  And both are in The Expendables for about seventy seconds.  I will admit it’s a cool scene.  Stallone, Willis and Schwarzenegger all on the screen at the same time for the first time ever.  But they’re just talking.  It’s just filler.  It’s a nothing scene that has virtually nothing to do with the movie.  But damn, that’s a cool 70 seconds!

     The rest of the cast is OK.  David Zayas has been very cool on Dexter the last few years.  Charisma Carpenter is useless to the plot of the movie, but damn is she ever nice to look at.  And the other hot chick, Giselle Itie, is ok.  And that’s about it.  Here’s the thing.  And it’s a big one.

     There are only three real action “stars” in this film.  Stallone, Statham, and Li.  Schwarzenegger and Willis don’t count, because they aren’t “in” the movie.  So there are three actual names.  And all of a sudden, this cast starts to look really weak, and really lame.  I hate to say this, but there are a lot of 80s action stars who would probably have made this film better!  Chuck Norris?  Yep.  Jean-Claude Van Damme?  Yep.  Jackie Chan?  Of course.  Michael Dudikoff?  Look it up and you might agree.  Might…

     But then, there is one man who would have put The Expendables over the top, all by himself.  I think you know to whom I refer.  Sure, Van Damme was approached and said no.  But so did this man.  This man KNEW that The Expendables would not be worth his time!  And so he chose to appear in another movie instead, one that is being released on Friday!  Coming…this Friday…(no joke here)…Danny Trejo!  Robert DeNiro!  Michelle Rodriguez!  Jessica Alba!  Lindsay Lohan!  Cheech Marin!  Don Johnson!  AND STEVEN SEAGAL!  Although it was billed as the Movie With All The Action Stars Ever, The Expendables, in terms of casting, pales in comparison to Machete (out this Friday)!  Thanks almost entirely to STEVEN SEAGAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Year:  2008
Genre:  Documentary
Country:  United States
Language:  English
Starring:  Holocaust survivors
Director:  Andrew Jacobs
Run time:  97 minutes
DVD distributor:  First Run Features

     Not a lot of the participants in Four Seasons Lodge tell detailed stories about the Holocaust.  Of course, they don’t have to.  Just imagining what survivors of that event had to go through is scary and sad enough on its own without hearing it directly.  Four Seasons Lodge is a documentary about a number of senior citizens, Holocaust survivors all, who meet every summer to party together at an idyllic retreat in the Catskills.  And by party, I mean senior-citizen style (cards, dancing, a little bit of drinking, laughing and more cards.  Maybe some shuffleboard, although I didn’t see any.)  This isn’t the documentary version of Cocoon.

     Oh, some of the old folks tell stories.  Some of them briefly mention what they went through at the hands of the Nazis, they reminisce about family members who were killed, and they talk about some of the horrible events.  But I get the feeling they’re holding back and not telling everything, and some aren’t willing to talk about it at all.  But then, Four Seasons Lodge is not about the Holocaust.  It’s about old people having fun and enjoying their remaining years.  They just happen to be enjoying those remaining years with the few remeaining people who have shared the same horrific experiences that shaped their lives up to this point.

     What you get, then, is a film about a wonderful, charming group of elderly people who are having a really good time, at least for a few months every summer.  And it’s a life-affirming, sweet and moving movie that makes me happy just as much as it makes me think.  Four Seasons Lodge is out August 17th from First Run Features.

Year:  2009
Genre:  Documentary, Sports
Country:  United States
Language:  English
Starring:  Avery Klein-Cloud
Director:  Nicole Opper
Run time:  78 minutes
DVD distributor:  First Run Features

     Off And Running could be a movie about many different subjects.  It could be about same-sex couples, or interracial adoption, or same-sex parents, or a black girl growing up in a white environment, or the life of a high school track star, or adoption dilemmas, or any number of those things.  In the end, it’s about all of those things (a little bit) but more about adoption than anything else.  I must say though, a documentary about a black distance runner (Avery Klein-Cloud) adopted by two white Jewish lesbians has a lot going for it before it even begins.  That’s a lot to deal with.

     This movie really hit home for me because I too am adopted.  And so is my sister.  The quest to find my birth parents and get answers about my origin has never really interested me.  In fact, the only time I have ever thought about it is when my sister brings it up.  I’ll probably never go on that search, because I truly don’t care.  My parents are my parents, my life is what I make it.  My sister, on the other hand, always had a deep need to find out.  She I wouldn’t go so far as to say she was obsessed about it, but she certainly cared an awful lot more than I did, and made a considerable effort to track down her birth family.

     And in this way, I see a lot of my family in Avery’s family.  Her older brother Rafi, a mixed-race child who was born a drug addict and adopted from a rehab centre as a baby, is very close to Avery.  They talk a lot about it, but he doesn’t really see the need to discover his biological origins.  For Rafi, his parents are his parents – he has two moms and a sister and a little Korean brother and that’s his family.  He thinks he will create his own life, regardless of what happened before he was adopted.  For Avery, it isn’t that simple.

     One of her biggest questions involves her African-American heritage.  When she hangs out with her black friends, she doesn’t really fit in with “black culture” (if such a thing can be defined) because she has never known it.  But she also doesn’t feel at home with the white Jewish culture in which she has been raised.  Because of her skin colour, she of course sticks out like a sore thumb in the Jewish schools she has attended.  So Avery has a real crisis of identity, one that her two moms and even her brother have some trouble understanding.

     After making contact with her birth mother, and then losing that contact, Avery begins to have real troubles.  She becomes somewhat self-destructive, dropping out of school, slipping in her performance on the track, and basically running away from the only home she’s ever known.  This all comes to a conclusion that could not have been scripted in a Hollywood movie because it would have seemed just too coincidentally perfect and no audience would buy it.

     Off And Running momentarily touches on the lesbian aspect of the story – Avery’s moms go out of state to finally get married, but Avery is not there.  It touches a little on the track-star aspect of Avery’s persona, as she competes in a few meets and gets ready to choose a university scholarship.  But really it’s the story of a black girl growing up in a white Jewish family searching desperately for her place in the world.  And it’s a positive, amazing, loving and thoughtful movie that is honest almost to a fault, and compelling throughout.  Avery and her family are beautiful and likeable and charmingly together.  A fantastic documentary, Off And Running is available right now through First Run Features.

     The Hert Of The Peleton is a three-disc box set, out August 17th from First Run Features, that includes three bike racing documentaries.  Yell For Cadel, which follows Australian superstar Cadel Evans as he trains for, and competes in, the Tour De France.  Hell On Wheels, which follows several different riders and teams as they compete in the Tour.  And Blood Sweat And Gears, the story of an American “clean” cycling team.  It’s probably a must-have box set for cycling fanatics.  But it’s not a must-have for documentary fans like me.

  Yell For Cadel (****4/10)

Year:  2009
Genre:  Documentary, Sports
Country:  United States
Language:  English
Starring:  Cadel Evans
Directors:  Maarten Van Cauwenberghe, Steve Decraene
Run time:  52 minutes
DVD distributor:  First Run Features

     Watching Yell For Cadel is kind of like reading someone’s diary.  Sometimes there’s an interesting passage that you might want to read again.  But mostly it’s something you skim, because people write stuff in their diaries with no context, and so it’s often difficult to understand why you would care about your sister’s hair appointment.  Or whoever’s diary you stole.

     What I mean by this is that very often the documentary leaps to the next scene without providing any context, and suddenly Cadel Evans is holding a puppy, and you don’t know where the puppy came from or why it’s on the screen, and you want to skim ahead to see more cycling.  The movie is a backstage look at the Tour De France from the point of view of Cadel Evans, an Australian cyclist who was one of the favourites going into the Tour De France this year.

     The movie follows him from stage to stage as he competes in the race.  They have gone to great lengths on the DVD case and throughout the movie to make the end of the Tour a surprise.  Does he win?  Doesn’t he?  I won’t divulge the final result here, because they have obviously tried very hard to maintain the drama in the documentary.  But maybe you follow cycling and already know.  Or maybe you have google and want to find out easily.  Or maybe you don’t care.  I’ll leave it up to you.

     I had a hard time with Yell For Cadel because I didn’t really feel his passion or his pain or any of those things that you get at the Tour De France.  I saw him being charming, which was nice, and I saw him biking (a little bit) which was okay.  And I saw his trainers and crew joking around and having a good time, although I was often lost without the context.  But there is little flow in the film, and it’s edited poorly.

     As it turns out, however, it’s the poor editing and sloppy attention to detail that give this movie its best moments.  Mostly, it’s the subtitles.  Although Evans himself speaks English, of course, being Australian, many of the people around him speak other languages, and they need subtitles.  So when Evans is holding the puppy, he’s talking a different language to the people around him.  And apparently, in that language (I believe Belgian), he said “oh no, the dog pied on me!”

     There are countless moments like this – bad grammar and words substituted for similar ones that would have made far more sense.  It made me laugh though, because it made me wonder.  Is Evans’ Belgian that bad that he actually did say “pied” in Belgian?  It would be decidedly clever if they translated the phrase that way.  Or did the people who wrote the subtitles just not pay any attention?  Or was their English this bad?

     I don’t know.  Either way, it made the movie worth watching.  I couldn’t get into the story of Cadel Evans, because I felt that unless I was one of his road crew, and I was watching the movie to reminisce about our time at the Tour De France, there was little there for me.  But I did look forward to the next set of subtitles.  Those, and the scene-splitting text that appears on the screen to set up each following stage are priceless also.

  Blood, Sweat And Gears (******6/10)

Year:  2009
Genre:  Documentary, Sports
Country:  United States
Language:  English
Starring:  David Millar, Mike Friedman, Magnus Backstedt, Christian Vande Velde, Jonathan Vaughters, Matt White, Doug Ellis, Lara Pate, Danny Pate, Will Frischkorn, Allen Lim
Director:  Nick Davis
Run time:  93 minutes
DVD distributor:  First Run Features
DVD extras:  Short film: Millar’s Tale, Short film: Behind the Scenes at the Tour, Photo gallery, Film notes, Director biography

     When I think of cycling, I think of two things.  Lance Armstrong and steroids.  Not necessarily in that order, and not necessarily seperately.  So it’s nice to see a cycling documentary that makes little mention of Armstrong.  I believe the first time I heard his name was about an hour into the film, and even then only in passing.  And Blood Sweat & Gears is about an American cycling team, one that is attempting to compete in the Tour De France without the assistance of performance-enhancing drugs.  You would think Mr. Armstrong would be top of mind for them all the time.  But he apparently isn’t, or he’s been edited out of the movie very effectively.

     But the drugs factor prominently in the movie.  It opens with the forming of the team, where cyclists have come together to prove that cyclists can be successful without drugs, something akin to a “natural” bodybuilder competing against the others.  A longshot, at best.  But these guys believe in their mission, and they think they have a shot to bring some legitimacy back to their very, very tainted sport.  Many of the cyclists on the team are no-names, others are disgraced former drug users, and some are at the tail end of successful careers.  But they all believe in the mission, and they come together as a tight unit.

     Then all that appears to be forgotten.  The second half of the movie has almost no mention of steriods whatsoever.  Or the lack thereof.  Instead, it’s just a story about a team trying to make it to the Tour De France (and the method for making it to the Tour is labyrinthine and strange).  And once they do make it to the tour (I hope that isn’t too much of a spoiler), the film focuses on the team as they meet the brutal 21-day challenge that is that famous race.  A dramatic finish to the race and some interesting twists and turns along the way make for a compelling finale.

     I really enjoyed watching a team prepare for this arduous event.  I learned a ton about cycling, the non-tour events, and the bizarre process by which teams get invited to the Tour De France.  I thought that was very exciting and really cool.  And I really thought the idea of a totally clean cycling team was an interesting and inspirational story.  But the two stories never seem to co-exist.  I don’t know why that bothered me so much.  But Blood Sweat And Gears felt to me like two different movies.  Both were good, but they just didn’t fit together to make a greater whole.  It’s still fascinating, but it’s choppy and uneven.

  Hell on Wheels (*****5/10)

Year:  2004
Genre:  Documentary, Sports
Country:  Germany
Language:  English
Starring:  Lance Armstrong, Eric Zabel, Jan Ullrich, Rolf Aldag, Andreas Kloden
Directors:  Pepe Danquart, Werner Schweizer
Run time:  123 minutes
DVD distributor:  First Run Features

     The Tour De France is tough.  Really tough.  It’s mentally draining as much as it is physically draining.  It’s one of the ultimate tests of endurance a human being can attempt.  No other race in the world is as demanding.  Boy, is it ever hard to do.  Few people who have not competed could possibly comprehend the difficulty that is involved with competing in the Tour De France.  No one could ever imagine….OK I GET IT!  The Tour De France is very, very difficult.  I’m there.  I follow.  Now tell me something else.

     Hell on Wheels told me little else.  Except that the Tour De France is awfully tough.  But then, I already knew that.  So what I saw was a bunch of guys, each speaking a different language, suffering their way through the famous race.  They are sore, and exhausted, and can barely walk after each stage.  They discuss their pains, their plans for the next day, and once I have read the subtitles we move on to another guy from another country who says pretty much the same thing.  It’s tough.

     When I wasn’t watching big-time cyclists discuss their pains and their mental state and their hopes for the future, I was watching an elderly French guy wax poetic about the Tour.  Which was kind of neat.  This guy is really excited to talk about the greatness of competing in the Tour De France.  He has some interesting perspectives on what makes it truly special (he feels it’s the ultimate sport for actually involving spectators – Lance Armstrong comes to you when you’re watching.  Miguel Indurain comes to you.  He also makes the dubious statement that the Tour De France is bigger than the Olympics and the World Cup of Soccer combined.  That’s…debatable.  At best.  But at least he’s enthusiastic!)

     I like a lot of elements of Hell On Wheels.  I like the enthusiasm, and the determination of the riders, and the behind-the-scenes stuff that sheds a little more light on this race.  But, only a little.  They could have achieved the same results by having the old man recite a poem, then showing pain and suffering on the faces of the riders for a little while.  Then roll credits.  Done.  And that wouldn’t have taken two full hours.

Years:  2009, 2010
Genre:  TV series, Crime, Drama
Country:  United States
Language:  English
Starring:  Mark Harmon, Michael Weatherly, Cote de Pablo, Pauley Perrette, Sean Murray, Rocky Carroll, David McCallum, Courtney Ford (guest on Patriot Down episode…haha…Patriot Down.  What a silly episode name.)
Creator:  Donald P. Bellisario, Don McGill
Run time:  17 hours, 19 minutes
DVD distributor:  Paramount Home Entertainment

     NCIS has somehow managed to be successful enough to create a spin-off series.  But not successful enough to be a bona-fide hit.  That’s because it’s meh.  It exists somewhere between all other crime-scene shows and all other military shows.  It’s derivative of everything, original in nothing, groundbreaking in no way.  It tries a little, but not a lot.  It thinks that just saying something is enough to make it clear to viewers.  An example – Leroy Gibbs (Mark Harmon), the leader of the team, is said to be a hard-ass tough-guy, a no-nonsense taskmaster.  Other characters are constantly repeating this mantra.  And yet, I have never seen him, even once, be convincingly, actually badass.

     Instead, he’s milquetoast for the most part, and occasionally walks through a room so others can snap to attention and get nervous.  But in all the time I have watched this show, I have never seen him give anyone a reason to do so.  Beat someone up!  Kill someone!  Dress down a screwup underling!  DO something!  He kinda loses it a bit in the second-last episode of Season Seven, out August 24th from Paramount Home Entertainment.  But it’s a father-son rape case, in which case almost anyone could quite easily lose one’s cool.  This proves nothing about Gibbs’ badassery.

     Likewise, Tony Dinozzo (Michael Weatherly) is the “funny” one.  Really, he’s just irritating.  He’s almost a carbon copy of Jason Bateman, except without the talent and without the funny.  If Face and Murdock from the A-Team were the same character…well.  They’d still be better than Tony on NCIS.  Timothy McGee (Sean Murray) is the “nerdy” one.  But he doesn’t do much that’s actually nerdy, except that he’s good with computers.  And Ziva David (Cote de Pablo) is the “hot and exotic” one.  The hot speaks for itself.  The exotic comes from a faint accent and the fact that everyone is constantly talking about how she once worked for Mossad and her father runs the Israeli intelligence service.  Just saying it is enough.

     Throughout the seventh season, there are a couple of story arcs that are just as boring as the characters.  Ziva gets rescued at the beginning, and she wants to join the team.  But she could be a security risk!  Toward the end of the season, Gibbs is implicated in a decades-old shooting.  Was it a job, or revenge, or does anyone care?  Not me.  Oh, NCIS is decent, and I can watch five or six episodes in the background while I work or something.  But it’s good only when CSI isn’t around.  Or Criminal Minds.  Or any number of other shows.  Then again, unlike the new spinoff, at least this series doesn’t star LL Cool J and Chris O’Donnell.

     Cote de Pablo…I’d like to vacation there sometime.

Year:  2009, 2010
Genre:  TV series, Drama
Country:  United States
Language:  English
Starring:  Shenae Grimes, AnnaLynne McCord, Jessica Stroup, Tristan Wilds, Ryan Eggold, Michael Steger, Lori Loughlin, Matt Lanter, Jessica Lowndes, Gillian Zinser, Trevor Donovan, Rob Estes 
Eye candy:  Lowndes, Grimes, McCord, Stroup, Loughlin, Sara Foster, Jennie Garth
Creators:  Rob Thomas, Gabe Sachs, Jeff Judah
Run time:  15 hours, 5 minutes
DVD distributor:  Paramount Home Entertainment

     I’m not sure what’s worse for the world.  90210 or Jersey Shore.  It might be an interesting debate – one shows “real” people being out-of-control slutty awful douchebags, the other involves actors portraying out-of-control slutty awful douchebags.  Jersey Shore sets back the cause of women by many years thanks to the complete idiots who play the “girls” on the show.  90210 sets women back many years thanks to the “girls” who are played by really hot actresses.  In the Jersey Shore episode where “Snooki” gets punched in the face by a guy, my first reaction was – “violence against women!  How awful!”  But after a while, that reaction had been amended to “well, at least she’s hurt”.

     My first reaction watching 90210 was “holy crap, these women are hot”!  On further reflection, my reaction became “oh my god, these women are in high school!”  Then, a few episodes later, I was thinking “you know, I could probably bang a high school girl and get away with it…it works for these chicks…”  That doesn’t bode well for the future of women in North America.  I don’t have a problem with high school kids having sex.  I don’t have a problem with a show that deals with “sexting” and other real, genuine high school issues.  But I do have a problem with the sexualization of the entire teenage demographic, all at once.

     Shenae Grimes, the star of the new 90210, came from Degrassi here in Canada.  Degrassi deals with high school also.  It also deals with sexting and sluttiness and dirty men and cheating women and so on and so forth.  But it doesn’t insult its viewers by suggesting that every single high school student is constantly running around having sex with 40-year-old married men and their best friend’s boyfriend and their girlfriend’s sister.  Degrassi was aware that there were other kinds of high school students as well.  Like, the geeky kind.  And the shy kind, nervous around girls.  They were also aware that not all male high school students are nice guys trying to get by, and not all female high school students are conniving bitches.

     Most of all though, I have a problem with the DVD box of Season Two, out August 24th from Paramount Home Entertainment, referring to this show as the “sexiest show on TV”.  With AnnaLynne McCord, Shenae Grimes, Jessica Lowndes and Jessica Stroup in the cast, a case can certainly be made that it IS the “sexiest show on TV”.  But should it be?  It’s about high school kids.  If you want to make the “sexiest show on TV”, why not just set it in a strip club or a brothel?  Or even on a college campus! 

     So then, the dilemma – is it OK to watch 90210 and lust after the women?  Grimes is 21, McCord is 24, Stroup is 25.  So the actresses are old enough to be the wet-dream fodder this show so obviously wants them to be.  But they are playing sixteen and seventeen year olds.  So watching the show, this means I’m thinking dirty thoughts about a high school kid.  Which is creepy.  I decided Sara Foster was OK to fantasize about.  She plays McCord’s older sister, (and an even worse, even sluttier bitch than McCord, whose “Naomi” is the show’s biggest villain…their “Snooki”, if you will) and her character is actually in college.  Foster, the actress is 28.  So she’s a valid fantasy.  I think.  Also, she looks like this:

     Speaking of Sara Foster, she exemplifies why this show is so, so awful for…well…everyone.  This is an excerpt from the wikipedia page describing her character, Jen Clark, on the show — “Although she is manipulative and cunning, she is shown to be very intelligent; having knowledge of Aristophanes and his works. In addition, she is shown to have an interest in reading.”  Seriously.  That’s on the wikipedia page.  Whoever was computer-savvy enough to update that wikipedia page also thinks that this character MUST be super-intelligent because she READS!  This is what the world is coming to…

     Oh and P.S.  Speaking of computer-savvy, there is an episode this season where Naomi decides to send a naked picture of Annie to the whole school.  She spends the entire episode telling Annie that she’s going to do it, she threatens her and makes her life miserable, KNOWING that Naomi can do this at any time.  And then Naomi flirts with a computer geek so he will show her how to send the picture out anonymously.  Think about that for a second.  Then think about the fact that we, the viewer, will never see the naked picture of Shenae Grimes.  And there you have this show.

Year:  2010
Genre:  Kids, TV series, Cartoon
Country:  United States
Languages:  English
Starring:  Dan Green, Johnny Castro, Tony Salerno, Sebastian Arcelus, Rebecca Soler, Michael Sinterniklaas, Wayne Grayson, Sam Riegel, Frank Frankson, Darren Dunstan, Veronica Taylor
Run time:  73 minutes
DVD distributor:  Paramount Home Entertainment

     I like the concept behind Turtles Forever, the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles TV movie from Paramount Home Entertainment, on DVD August 24th.  Remember those TMNT cartoons from the 80s, with the four wisecracking, pizza eating turtles?  Well, since that time, the turtles have kept going, but they have had a rather impressive makeover.  They are bigger, with more muscles, and they are more angry and scowly rather than jovial and irreverant.  The difference between the Turtles of today and the Turtles of 1987 is almost the same as the difference between Major League Baseball players today, and those of 1987.  You know the home run leader in 1987, a year considered the pinnacle of home run hitting at the time, had 49 homers?  (Andre Dawson in the NL, Mark McGwire as a rookie in the AL both had 49.)

     So today’s Turtles are those of the steroid era.  Much less sense of humour, much more muscle.  I guess this is what kids like now?  I don’t know.  I prefer the 1987 Turtles, myself.  Anyway.  The premise of Turtles Forever is that the Turtles of 1987 are somehow transported to the modern era, and meet the Turtles of today.  Of course they fight, because Turtles On Steroids have roid rage.  I won’t go into details about how this takes place, or why it happens.  They explained it in the movie, but it took up 40 of the 73 minutes of the movie to do so, sand who cares anyway?  The point is, there’s a culture clash.  The new Steroid Turtles can’t understand why the Original Turtles can’t take anything seriously, the Original Turtles just want to eat pizza and think the Steroid Turtles are far too intense.

     This premise works for a moment, until it becomes clear that the only “joke” the Original Turtles bring to this particular party is the fact that they eat pizza.  So…they’re eating pizza again.  Hahahahahahahaha!  Or, grooooooaaaaaan!  Depending on your perspective and intellectual capacity.  I chose groooooaaaaan!  I GET IT!  THEY LIKE PIZZA!  NOW DO SOMETHING ELSE!  But they don’t.  And the Steroid Turtles just scowl a lot and bemoan their involvement with the Original Turtles and they don’t do much else either.  There is another neat moment when the Original Original Turtles show up, a black-and-white cartoon that narrates itself like a 40s potboiler Sam Spade detective mystery.  But that too fades because that too is a one-note joke.

     The whole movie, in fact, is a one-note joke.  One note provided by the Steroid Turtles, one note provided by the Original Turtles, one note provided by the Retro Turtles, one note provided by the parade of familiar foes – Bebop, Rocksteady, Shredder, the other Shredder, and so forth.  And one note that remained consistent throughout.  The constant, painful, obnoxious overuse of the phrase “what the shell!”  I get it.  They are turtles, and they have a shell.  One might even call them “heroes of the half-shell”.  But ONCE is enough for “what the shell”.  ONCE.  This movie uses the “joke” about fifty times.  And it gets worse every time.  And the movie, which started out on such a promising note, gets worse with every frame.

Year:  2007, 2008
Genre:  Kids, Cartoon, TV series
Country:  United States
Language:  English
Starring:  Dannah Phirman, Chris Parnell, Patton Oswalt, Fred Stoller, Jack D. Ferraiolo, Cree Summer, Pamela Adlon, Ned Bellamy, James Adomian, Jeffrey Tambor, John C. McGinley, Peter Graves
Creator:  Dorothea Gillim
Run time:  100 minutes
DVD distributor:  Paramount Home Entertainment

     I really like Word Girl.  This is the best PBS kids show I’ve seen yet (although that’s faint praise – what I’m really saying is that at least this one isn’t Martha Speaks or Dinosaur Train).  What I like most about the show is that it doesn’t talk down to kids.  Although every now and then they’ll focus on a particular vocabulary word, like articulate, Word Girl usually talks eloquently and properly without preaching.  The show is also remarkably self-aware, for a kids show.  When something ludicrous happens (and it’s a show about superheroes, so the ludicrous is the everyday), Word Girl has no problem calling attention to the leaps in logic created by its own plot.

     Word Girl does battle with a series of super-villains (who, really, are not terribly “super” – they’re just particularly villainous).  She has a monkey sidekick who doesn’t do much, but does have the fantastic superhero sidekick nickname Captain Huggy Face.  Much better than Robin don’t you think?  In Tricks And Treats, out August 24th from Paramount Home Entertainment, Word Girl and Captain Huggy Face do battle with Birthday Girl, The Butcher, Tobey (hilariously voiced by Patton Oswalt), Chuck the Evil Sandwich Making Guy (Fred Stoller), and The Coach (Ned Bellamy).  All of it works, all of it makes me laugh, and I was willing to keep watching this DVD even after the kids went to bed.

     One complaint – the constant use of the phrase “worrrd up!” was irritating.  I get that Word Girl needs a catchphrase, and it must have to do with grammar or vocabulary.  And I understand that “iammmmbic pentameter!” might be a little bit cumbersome, or that “dannnnngling paaaarticiple!” might go over the heads of some of the kids in the intended audience.  But “worrrd up!” makes me feel like I’m watching a cheesy late-80s rap video.  Like in the next scene, DJ E-Z Rock is going to show up.  This show is bonkers enough, though, that an appearance by DJ E-Z Rock wouldn’t come as a big shock.  And that’s why it’s great.

Year:  2007, 2008
Genre:  Kids, Cartoon, TV series
Country:  United States
Language:  English
Starring:  Dannah Phirman, Chris Parnell, Patton Oswalt, Fred Stoller, Jack D. Ferraiolo, Cree Summer, Pamela Adlon, Ned Bellamy, James Adomian, Jeffrey Tambor, John C. McGinley, Peter Graves
Creator:  Dorothea Gillim
Run time:  100 minutes
DVD distributor:  Paramount Home Entertainment

     I don’t like to complain about Word Girl, because I really like the show.  But for a show that’s all about vocabulary and the correct choice of the proper word for the appropriate situation, there are sure a lot of misnomers I can point out.  First of all, Word Girl herself.  Word Girl is a superhero with super-strength and the ability to fly.  And yet she has chosen her name based on her love of vocabulary words.  Spider-Man is called Spider-Man because he has the abilities of a spider.  The Flash is so named because he is extremely fast.  But imagine if The Incredible Hulk were actually called The Numismatist, because of David Banner’s love for coin collecting.  That’s the type of nomenclature we’re expected to swallow with Word Girl.

     Second, the title of this DVD is Earth Day Girl, out August 24th from Paramount Home Entertainment.  Which leads me to believe there will be an overarching environmental message tying the episodes together.  Or at least a single episode celebrating Earth Day and involving some environmental theme.  But this is not the case.  Instead, the disc kicks off with a single episode called “Earth Day Girl”, where the super-villain Birthday Girl throws a tantrum.  See, she thinks it’s her birthday, but really people are saying Earth Day.  How perplexing.  All Birthday Girl really wants is a piece of cake.

     And that’s the third problem I had with this disc.  The theme of the eight episodes is clearly food.  Birthday Girl wants cake.  The Butcher throws meat at everyone.  Granny May causes trouble in the grocery store.  Dr. Two-Brains is interested only in absconding with enormous amounts of cheese.  Chuck The Evil Sandwich-Making Guy is self-explanatory.  Mr. Big is named after a chocolate bar.  That’s the theme here – food!  Not Earth Day or the environment or anything else.

     OK.  Enough bashing Word Girl.  This remains a really smart, really funny TV show for kids that I like very much.  An example of the humour in this show, humour which might go over the head of some kids – on the back of the DVD, all the villains Word Girl encounters are listed, along with their episodes.  Like for example, “The Butcher” in Jerky Jerk, or “Granny May” in Coupon Madness.  Then, the last episode on the disc (and one of the best), stars “Lady Redundant Woman” in Lady Redundant Woman.  Get it?  Then get Word Girl.

Year:  2010
Genre:  Kids, TV series, Cartoon
Country:  United States
Language:  English
Starring:  Phillip Corlett, Claire Corlett, Erika-Shaye Gair, Ian James Corlett
Run time:  122 minutes
DVD distributor:  Paramount Home Entertainment

     Dinosaur Train is a PBS series.  One that advertises, between every episode, Chuck-E-Cheese, and then begs for money.  Donations from viewers like me make Dinosaur Train possible!  Which makes me want to punch viewers like me.  Well, not exactly like me.  Viewers like me don’t donate money to Dinosaur Train.  Because we have more sense than that.  When I was a kid I used to read every book on dinosaurs that existed, in the library, bookstores, museums, and so forth.  I was a dinosaur nut.  And I think I would have spent maybe ten minutes watching this show, tops, before I opened another book.

     Every episode on Dinosaurs Under The Sea, on DVD August 24th from Paramount Home Entertainment, is the same.  The dinosaurs gather (a pteranodon family with an adopted T-Rex) at the train station.  The conductor shows up and drives them off somewhere.  There they observe another dinosaur from behind the protection of their safety glass.  (This train travels through the ocean.  And, judging by the references to “Triassic”, “Jurassic” and “Cretaceous”, through time as well.)  They meet the dinosaur on the other side of the glass.  That dinosaur explains a little bit about himself.  Or herself.  Like, “I breathe air just like you, but I live in the water!”  Fascinating, dinosaur.

     Then the kids play a game with the dinosaur.  And they become friends.  And then they go home.  And the next episode is the same.  As is the one after that.  And the one after that.  And I become bored and irritated.  And I turn this DVD off.  It’s back to Word Girl for me, but despite the relative quality of that show I won’t be donating any money to PBS.  It’s Dinosaur Train‘s fault.

Year:  2010
Genre:  Kids, TV series, Cartoon
Country:  United States
Languages:  English, Spanish, Chinese, etc.
Starring:  Jake T. Austin, Caitlin Sanchez
Series:  Dora The Explorer, Go Diego Go, Wonder Pets, Blue’s Clues, Ni Hao Kai-Lan, Yo Gabba Gabba
Run time:  149 minutes
DVD distributor:  Paramount Home Entertainment

     Nick Jr.’s Happy Halloween DVD, out August 24th from Paramount Home Entertainment, is one of those DVDs that throws together the six big Nickelodeon Jr. TV shows in episodes loosely centred around a single theme.  In this case, Halloween.  Sort of.  Blue’s Clues has nothing to do with Halloween.  It’s just Blue the dog being scared of an owl.  And his incredibly stupid human companion not being able to understand.  “What kind of animal says ‘who’?”  An owl, dummy.  Even your speechless, illiterate dog understands this.  Ni-Hao, Kai-Lan is at least entirely about Halloween.  But it involves a weird little…tiger…I think…crying about being injured and not being able to trick or treat.  So the other kids carry him around in his bed.  And none of them calls him a wuss whiner.  Which is disappointing.

     Yo Gabba Gabba is about Halloween also, and is the bonkers acid trip it usually is.  Go, Diego, Go! is about Halloween.  I can’t complain about a show that doesn’t spell Hallowe’en with the proper apostrophe, when clearly punctuation is a secondary concern at the studio that brings us Go, Diego, Go!  Two commas AND an exclamation mark in the title of the same show?  Overkill!!!??*@!  Anyway, this one involves Freddie the Fruit Bat and his efforts to save Hallowe’en.  Or, Halloween, if you will.

     Dora The Explorer, in an episode aptly and boringly titled “Boo!” (more excess punctuation), Dora admits an actual monster into the cast of her show.  Which tells me she’s really stretching for episode ideas.  I guess there’s only so much Swiper can swipe, and only so many places the Map can point out, and only so many items that can be contained within a backpack.  Soon, Dora will be conducting an alien autopsy and searching for Bigfoot in the Lost City of Atlantis.  At that point, she will officially be out of ideas.

     Then there are the Wonder Pets.  Maybe the most irritating show of all time, I once complained about the fact that one of these obnoxious creatures speaks with a tiny-baby affected lisp.  Like “this is sewious”!  Someone commented on that post, saying the child who voices that duck has a speech impediment, and how could I be so insensitive?  At the time, I said they should have just cast another child who didn’t speak in an obnoxious manner.  Now, I think they should have just canned this whole show, which is painful in the utmost.  And, on this DVD, has nothing to do with Halloween.  Or Hallowe’en.

     First, see, the Wonder Pets save the bat.  A baby bat, of course, because the Wonder Pets almost always save a baby something.  Saving adults is just plain not as cute.  It’s a bat, see….that’s totally Halloween!  The bat is afraid of the dark, and hiding inside a giant bell.  The Wonder Pets must save the bat before the bell rings, because presumably the deafening noise would make the bat afraid of both the dark and giant ringing bells.  The duck and turtle and hamster are successful.  And they sing about it.  And I hate them.  Also, I think that there is no one alive who has a duck and a hamster and a turtle for a pet.  A hamster, maybe.  A turtle, maybe.  A hamster AND a turtle AND a duck?  What a weirdo.

     After they save the bat, the Wonder Pets “save” a donkey.  A donkey who is an actor.  With stage fright.  An adult donkey.  Not even a BABY donkey.  What a departure for this insipid show!  I guess because the donkey (as an actor) dresses up, it’s a Halloween episode as well.  Or maybe no one cared.  Anyway, this donkey is a vain, obnoxious World Class Actor.  Who can’t decide on a costume and can’t decide what props he needs.  Why an actor is deciding these things for himself, I have no idea.  That tells me the director (a shrew) is a very bad one.  The donkey has also forgotten his line.  His one line.  For the entire play, he has one line.  And he forgot it.  Which tells me he’s a terrible actor.

     The Wonder Pets help him by showing him outfits until he picks one, showing him props until he picks one, and then asking the director what his line is.  And…problem solved!  Are the Wonder Pets really in business to help the galactically stupid?  Will they help everyone, even the utterly reprehensible morons who can do nothing for themselves?  This donkey has, for all intents and purposes, committed welfare fraud here by calling on the services of the Wonder Pets.  And they helped him, rather than shooting him.  Which was the logical thing to do.  And it has nothing to do with Hallowe’en!  Or even Halloween!

Year:  2008
Genre:  Drama
Country:  United States
Language:  English
Starring:  Omar Metwally, Anthony Hopkins, Laura Linney, Charlotte Gainsbourg, Hiroyuki Sanada, Alexandra Maria Lara
Director:  James Ivory
Run time:  114 minutes
DVD distributor:  Alliance Films

     I am writing this review on the heels of my review of Vicky Cristina Barcelona, and I am struck by the similarities between the two films.  The City of Your Final Destination could very easily be the sequel to Vicky Cristina Barcelona, if Javier Bardem’s character in that movie had been a writer rather than a painter.  Omar Metwally plays OmarRazaghi, a writer who travels to Uruguay in order to convince the family of a famous Hispanic writer named Jules Gund to allow him to write the late author’s biography.  While there, he discovers so much more and learns about himself and all that blah blah blah.

     What he really discovers, though, is that Jules Gund led a pretty kick-ass life.  He had a wife named Caroline (Laura Linney) and a mistress Arden (Charlotte Gainsbourg), and they all lived together in seemingly perfect harmony in the same house.  Also living there is Gund’s gay brother Adam (Anthony Hopkins) and his boyfriend.  Many movies present an idyllic vision like this one and then slowly expose the seamy underbelly beneath.  But not The City Of Your Final Destination.  There IS no seamy underbelly.  There are hurt feelings and sour grapes and a bit of bickering, but essentially what you see is what’s real.

     Linney is an icy, bitter woman with a good heart, while Gainsbourg is an almost naive innocent with a hunger for life.  Their perceptions of each other are not always accurate, but this story isn’t really about them at all.  Instead, the story is about Omar and his personal journey, as he grows closer to Arden and further from his girlfriend.  Omar’s girlfriend Dierdre (a fantastic Alexandra Maria Lara) seems like a bit of a control freak with a sense of superiority, and right away I thought he should be getting away from her.  Of course he does, and he goes to Uruguay on his own, but when he gets stung by a bee and slips into a coma, she comes to be with him (and really, to take over his project since she doesn’t believe he can get it done on his own).

     Dierdre had to come back, I suppose, into the movie so I could learn for sure that she was unpleasant and irritating.  And that made me feel better about Omar’s sudden infatuation with Arden.  It’s contrived, but it works.  As does the whole movie.  I really did feel like I was watching the Vicky Cristina sequel though.  (Although this is a better film.)  Imagine Bardem dying, and a biographer coming to write his story, and finding Rebecca Hall and Penelope Cruz still living there.  That’s the movie you’re getting here, and it really works.

Vicky Cristina Barcelona (******6/10)

Year:  2008
Genre:  Drama, Comedy
Country:  United States
Language:  English
Starring:  Javier Bardem, Scarlett Johansson, Penelope Cruz, Rebecca Hall, Patricia Clarkson, Kevin Dunn, Chris Messina
Director:  Woody Allen
Run time:  96 minutes
DVD distributor:  Alliance Films

     There are a few reasons to watch Vicky Cristina Barcelona beyond the fact that Penelope Cruz is deservedly nominated for a Best Supporting Actress Oscar, or that she makes out with Scarlett Johanssen, or that Rebecca Hall adds even more hot to the picture.

     No, there are other reasons besides hot women and kinky three-ways and lesbian encounters. Although that seems to be all I can talk about at the moment. No, there is also the Woody Allen dialogue, which is smart and funny as Woody Allen tends to be – although not nearly as smart, funny and scathing as he once was. There is the wonderful setting of Barcelona, and there is also the terrific performance of Javier Bardem. Bardem has had trouble with roles like this, most notably in Love In The Time of Cholera.

     But once you have watched Vicky Cristina Barcelona, you will be sold on Bardem. In fact, if you’re anything like me, you will desperately want to BE him in this movie. All the more reason to watch it.  And I’m sure there’s another reason…nope.  It escapes me.

Lost In Translation (*********9/10)

Year:  2003
Genre:  Drama
Country:  United States
Language:  English
Starring:  Scarlett Johansson, Bill Murray, Anna Faris, Giovanni Ribisi, Fumihiro Hayashi
Director:  Sofia Coppola
Run time:  102 minutes
DVD distributor:  Alliance Films

     Lost In Translation is notable because it is Bill Murray’s best serious role, ever.  Oh, he’s still funny – very funny.  But not in the Bill Murray way I’m used to seeing.  The film is also notable because it signalled the arrival of Scarlett Johansson as a major force in movies.  She had been great before (Ghost World, notably) but after this movie she was Hollywood’s sexiest young actress, a total fantasy girl, and also a recognized wonderful actress.  I must say I am mostly disappointed in the roles she has taken since 2003, mainly because most of them have been as the Temptress, or the Hot Bimbo, or the Woman Behind The Man.  Lost In Translation indicates she is capable of much, much more.

     The story is tender, and hilarious.  Bill Murray is a fading American actor in Japan to shoot a commercial for a brand of whiskey.  There are some truly hilarious scenes where he must deal with the overly-hospitable Japanese, including one where he tries to fight off the hooker they send to his room.  Alone in Japan, where he knows nobody and is basically stranded, he meets the very young Scarlett Johansson.  She is in the same hotel, also stranded and alone as her photographer husband (Giovanni Ribisi) is off on an assignment.  They strike up a friendship and become very close, even as Murray is picking out carpet swatches over the fax machine with his wife back home in America.

     Johansson’s performance is exquisite, as she finds just the right blend of sadness, loneliness, vulnerability and intelligence.  Murray is even better, as he lets down his guard, tries not to use humour to keep this young woman at arm’s length, and they both discover something profound about themselves.  And Sofia Coppola deserves praise as well, her direction is incredibly subtle, yet assured.  She made Japan feel as foreign to me as I watched as it did for the two protagonists.  Lost In Translation was an absolute triumph.

The Visitor (**********10/10)

Year:  2007
Genre:  Drama
Country:  United States
Language:  English
Starring:  Richard Jenkins, Hiam Abbass, Haaz Sleiman, Danai Gurira, Marian Seldes
Director:  Tom McCarthy
Run time:  103 minutes
DVD distributor:  Alliance Films

     The Visitor is the best DVD in this set, out August 17th from Alliance Films. The Visitor is a magnificent film, starring Richard Jenkins as a lonely man whose wife has died. He comes home to his New York City apartment he hasn’t visited in almost a year. When he walks in, he finds an illegal immigrant couple living in his home. The man (Haaz Sleiman) is from Syria, his girlfriend (Danai Gurira) is from Senegal. Instead of giving them the boot, he allows them to stay until they can find a place of their own, and they quickly become friends, bonding through music.

     Now, many movies have been made about lonely old men who encounters some kind of free-spirited people and has a rebirth. And some of them (like Venus, in 2006) have been very good. Others have really sucked. The Visitor might well be the best of them all. The three lead actors are absolutely flawless, especially Jenkins. He is receiving a considerable amount of Oscar buzz (and a nomination) for this film, and deservedly so.  Although he should have won.  He is terrifically understated and amazingly realistic. Sleiman is wonderful as the Syrian immigrant Tarek, full of joy and vitality. Gurira plays Zainab, his girlfriend, with more restraint and caution, but with a tenderness and love for her boyfriend that leaps off the screen. I know, that sounds lame. But it isn’t. Nothing in this movie is lame. It is all amazing.

     Every scene rings true. Every action by every character is understated and vividly real. And before you know it, this movie has sucked you in completely. It’s a small film. A modest film. And an absolutely wonderful film. It’s pretty rare that a movie can be both life-affirming and heartbreaking at the same time, but The Visitor does both, and it does them well. This film provides masterful acting, joy, romance, and a powerful message, all wrapped up in one of the best movies of the year. Do yourself a big favour, and pick this one up, whether you buy this box set or not.

Year:  1999
Genre:  Comedy
Countries:  France, Germany, Italy
Language:  French
Starring:  Christian Clavier, Gerard Depardieu, Laetitia Casta, Roberto Benigni
Director:  Claude Zidi
Run time:  109 minutes
DVD distributor:  Alliance Films

     When I was a kid, I loved Asterix and Obelix. I would go to the library and borrow every single one of those giant, hardcover, oversized comic books. In fact, most of the reason I still have the ability to speak and understand French today is thanks to Asterix et Obelix, Gaston La Gaffe, Lucky Luke, and a host of other French-language comic books aimed directly at very young children. In 1999, this comic book, beloved in France, was turned into a massive live action movie starring some of the biggest names in French films, including Gerard Depardieu as Obelix. Asterix et Obelix Contre Cesar comes to DVD in in a box set with Jeux Olympiques and Mission Cleopatre from Alliance Films. It has no English subtitles, and no English dubbing, so unless you speak French, steer clear.

     For those of you (and I’m sure there are a few) who are unfamiliar with the story of Asterix and Obelix, they are Gauls, who live in a little village in the heart of the Roman Empire. The Romans have managed to conquer the rest of the known world, but for some reason this little village continues to resist their rule. It’s all thanks to the “magic potion” brewed by the village’s resident druid, Panoramix. This potion gives anyone who drinks it superhuman strength, and the village has been using it to fend off the Romans for years. Asterix is the leader of the Gaul warriors, a clever and cunning fellow, and Obelix is his big fat best friend. Asterix et Obelix Contre Cesar remains true to the comics. Very true.

     In fact, much too true. That’s the biggest problem with this film. Obelix has a crush on the girl, so he moons over her – just like in the comic book. Obelix eats a lot – just like in the comic book. He keeps trying to drink the magic potion, even though he doesn’t need it – just like in the comic book. All of this made for some very entertaining comics, but not so much entertaining film. This is a kids’ movie though, and the kids will like it when the romans get punched out of their armour. The best thing here is that the French is very simple, and the films are also so wild and cartoonish that you really don’t need the dialogue to explain everything. My kids enjoyed both Asterix and Obelix movies that came out today, even though their command of the language is suspect at best. The film is not great. It’s only sort-of good. But it’s simple, the kids will like it, it will help them with their French, and Laetitia Casta is hot. So it’s worth your while in some way.

Year:  2002
Genre:  Comedy
Countries:  France, Germany
Language:  French
Starring:  Christian Clavier, Gerard Depardieu, Monica Bellucci, Jamel Debbouze
Director:  Alain Chabat
Run time:  105 minutes
DVD distributor:  Alliance Films

     These Asterix et Obelix movies are impressive films. A massive cast, some of the most well-known actors in the world, and a seemingly limitless budget for what are, in many ways, modest movies. Asterix et Obelix: Mission Cleopatre is no exception. In fact, this movie is the most expensive movie ever made in France. Gerard Depardieu and Christian Clavier return as the titular heroes, and Monica Bellucci shows up as the titular heroine. I think I can safely make this proclamation right now. Never, in the history of children’s movies, has there been a sexier, hotter, more ridiculously smoldering character. France is a little different than North America, you see.

     North America would never have made this movie. In France, however, they make movies like this one. Monica Bellucci, possibly the most magnificent, gorgeous specimen of womanhood on movie screens the world over, is Cleopatra. She wears different, opulent, clothes in every scene. Sometimes those clothes are see-through. Other times, they manage to reveal everything but nipple. And still other times, there are gratuitous (but welcome) shots of the top of her ass crack. How often do you get to see something so glorious in a kids’ movie? In my memory, never. In fact, not only is Monica Bellucci the hottest women ever to appear in a kids’ movie, she is also the hottest Cleopatra of all time. Elizabeth Taylor was awfully close in 1963, but in 1963 she wasn’t wearing anything like this.

     Once again, with this film, there are no English subtitles or English dubbing, which means that unless you speak French there will be a significant language barrier. However, the actions and plot are so cartoonish that you may be able to figure it out anyway. At the end, one question was answered for me. I wondered why, in the first movie, Caesar was played by Gottfried John, and in this film he’s played by the director, Alain Chabat. Well, he gets to seriously make out with Monica Bellucci. I think I may have cast myself as Caesar were I the director in this case as well. It turns out that this is the plum role in the film. Just like Asterix et Obelix Contre Cesar, the kids will like this movie, it will help them with their French, and there is eye candy for the dads.

Year:  2008
Genre:  Comedy
Countries:  France, Belgium, Spain, Italy, Germany
Language:  French
Starring:  Gerard Depardieu, Clovis Cornillac, Benoit Poelvoorde, Alain Delon, Zinedine Zidane
Directors:  Thomas Langmann, Frederic Forestier
Run time:  117 minutes
DVD distributor:  Alliance Films

     This DVD is a little different than the earlier Asterix DVDs, in that it is available with English subtitles and, should you want it, English dubbing. The first two Asterix et Obelix DVDs were in French only, but this one gets the English additions for the Canadian market. Also new is the guy playing Asterix himself. Gone is Christian Clavier, who played the character in the first two films, replaced by Clovis Cornillac. Perhaps they already had the dressing room for Asterix outfitted with monogrammed towels, and they needed to find someone with the same initials to save some money. Because frankly, Cornillac is not the Asterix I have come to expect. Clavier was expressive, with a twitchy moustache and wide-eyed excitement. Cornillac is more of a preener, striking poses and looking bemused at his would-be opponents, like a French version of Cary Elwes. Not the same. Not cool.

     Gerard Depardieu, however, returns in the role of Obelix, the beachball-shaped strongman who usually plays second-fiddle to Asterix. Although in this film, Asterix is given very little to actually do, and Obelix gets more face time. The real star of the film, however, is Stephane Rousseau as Alafolix, a Gaul who is in love with Princess Irina. She is portrayed, as is often the case in these movies, by a supermodel. This time the supermodel is the mouthwatering Vanessa Hessler, who has little to do except look extremely hot. And she does that very well. Once again, there is a new actor playing the druid Panoramix – this time it is Jean-Pierre Cassel, in his final film role. For the third time there is a new Julius Caesar, this time played by Alain Delon.

     The basic plot of the film is that Princess Irina has decided she will marry the Winner Of The Olympics. How one guy can win the Olympics, and by extension the hand of Vanessa Hessler, is never clearly explained. Asterix and Obelix, with their super-strength and magic potion, are clearly winning all the events, which would lead me to believe that were the princess to honour her commitment, she would have to enter into a three-way relationship with the small mustachioed guy in the Viking helmet and the big fat hungry guy with Pippi Longstocking braids. I think I saw that in an adult film once, but how it would work here is unclear. It seems that everyone involved here has accepted the fact that if the Gauls win, Alafolix by extension wins, and he gets to marry the hot chick. However, if the Romans win, she will be forced to marry the unpleasant, devious and idiotic Brutus, son of Julius Caesar.

     There are, as usual, some strange subplots. One involves Brutus constantly trying to knock off his old man, Caesar, which is a series of plots that meet with a Wile-E-Coyote level success rate. Another involves the Romans’ star athlete, a guy named (I think) Gluteus Maximus. Near the beginning of the movie, there is a rather unsettling scene where this big, muscular, athletic guy is sprinting through the forest and runs past Asterix and Obelix. Curious, the Gauls chase after him to find out why he is running so fast. They never really find out why, but still end up crushing him with a tree and then they beat the hell out of him. He wasn’t hurting anyone – this poor guy’s just out training. For the Olympics! They could have left him alone, you would think. I mean, sure, he bumped into Obelix a little bit as he sprinted by, but isn’t this reaction a little extreme? This makes Asterix and Obelix look like those muscle-guys in the bar who are looking for a fight every time someone jostles their elbow. Not cool, guys.

     Also a little unsettling is the use of the magic strength potion to win the Olympics. After all, what kind of message does this send to kids? This movie is clearly created for children, then suggests that steroids are not such a bad idea? They call attention to this, administering a breathalyser test to the athletes and disqualifying Asterix and Obelix. But they are the heroes of the piece, and they laugh at the idea that the Romans have to cheat by banning them. But – they are using the potion! They are the cheaters! They should be banned! The Olympics appear to be held in Greece, which is historically accurate. Greece appears to be a part of the Roman Empire. Which is not historically accurate. They are clearly making a reference to the rock band Rolling Stones, but they say “Les Pierres Qui Roulent”. A lot of this doesn’t make sense.

     Like the other two films in this series, Asterix at the Olympic Games features numerous references to other movies. Star Wars, Ben-Hur, and so forth. Most of these are distracting and pointless, but one stands out. There is a moment where Gerard Depardieu, as Obelix, whispers love poems to the love-struck Alafolix as he stands under Princess Irina’s window. It’s an obvious reference to Cyrano De Bergerac, a movie in which Depardieu plays the icon of unrequited love who whispers love poems from the bushes. Then he does the same for his dog Idefix, who falls in love with the princess’ dog. And that gets pretty stupid.

     I like the way these movies are shot. I like the fact that they are colourful, the costumes are terrific, and yet you never forget you are watching a cartoon brought to live-action on the screen. But I think the biggest problem with the movies is the fact that (for France) they are big-budget. And when a film has a budget this big, film makers seem to think that the only way to truly justify that is to throw in as much stuff as they can, using up their resources and money. Which leads to subplots about dogs in love, inventions to kill Caesar, and a half-hour of unnecessary crap between the announcement of the climactic chariot race and the beginning of that race itself. Asterix At The Olympic Games is almost two hours long, but it should be about 80 minutes. That’s all the real content there is. We get it. Obelix is strong, Princess Irina is hot, the Roman guy is evil and stupid, now get on with the movie.

     The best thing about the movie (other than the hotness of Vanessa Hessler) is actually the English dubbing and the English subtitles. How the English could be so strange and badly done here, I have no idea. But it’s hilarious! The hero of the story, Alafolix, gets his name changed to “Lovesix”. The king of Greece is named Samagas. In the English dubbing, this translates to something that sounds like “Boogerpus”. And the English subtitles to the scene call him “Obnoxious”. As though that is his name. Wouldn’t the single easiest thing to translate in a movie be the names of the characters? Even changing their names to things like “Jim”, or “Ted” would make SOME sense, if you wanted English audiences to see names they recognized. But why change a Latin name to something more incomprehensible? It’s pretty strange. And pretty funny.

     There are some things that make Asterix At The Olympic Games worthwhile. The always-amusing Depardieu, the colourful, vibrant filming and set design, the gorgeous Vanessa Hessler. And of course the hilarious subtitles and some fun cartoon violence. But there are an equal number of things that make this film sag. The useless subplots, the overly long interludes between the action, and the questionable messages for children – steroid use, bar-brawl bullying, and attempted patricide. I’ll leave it up to you and split the difference in my review. With one extra star for the fact that it’s a great way to help your kids learn French.