“It is what it is.”

Year:  2009
Genre:  TV series, Reality show, and…I don’t know what else…garbage?
Country:  United States
Language:  English
Starring:  A bunch of douchebags
Eye candy:  Lauren Conrad, Audrina Patridge, Stephanie Pratt, Heidi Montag, Lo Bosworth, Jayde Nicole, other losers
Creator:  Adam DiVello
Run time:  10 episodes
DVD distributor:  Paramount Home Entertainment
Related reviews:  The Hills Season Four, The Hills Season Three

     Does no one on The Hills actually watch The Hills?  I suppose not.  If they did, they may realize that they are total douchebags.  Every one of them.  These are the worst people in the world, and they need to be shown that they are the worst people in the world.  Remember that video of David Hasselhoff drunk on the floor with the cheeseburgers?  The one his daughters took to show him how stupid he looked?  They had to post it on the internet so he could see how stupid he looked, and that’s the straw that broke the camel’s back and made him give up drinking.

     I think it’s time for the losers on The Hills to sit down with a DVD of the show.  Let’s say, for the sake of argument, they could sit down with Season Five Part One, which comes to DVD October 6th from Paramount Home Entertainment.  Then that dumb-as-a-tube-of-toothpaste blonde idiot Heidi could see that her creepier-than-that-old-guy-on-Family Guy loser boyfriend Spencer was, in fact, hitting on the bartender at some bar.  And that piece of crap douchebag might realize that he’s on a reality show.  Cameras are always rolling.  You can’t lie to your girlfriend when cameras are following your every move.

     But then, these people are dumber than a box of Triscuits, and this stuff never occurs to them.  Or, it does, but it adds to the drama and they embrace it.  In fact, that Spencer kid would likely watch the first few episodes of Season Five and say to himself “wow, that bartender really was into me!  I AM cool!”  Which would be like David Hasselhoff watching that cheeseburger video and saying “geez, look at my chest!  I’m still in pretty good shape, considering that I’m a sloppy gross drunk!  I’m totally on the right path!”

     I could complain more about this show.  The over-use, by every single douchebag character, of the term “it is what it is”.  The painfully obvious fact that almost none of this show is based in “reality”.  The sad fact that every person who appears on the show goes out of their way to be obnoxious and awful because they know it will get them on television.  The fact that everyone is so painfully self-centred and awful that they create a ton of drama everywhere they go.  And hey bartender – you’re gonna be on TV too.  If you tell everyone totally opposite things, you are a shitty bartender.  You are supposed to be a shoulder to cry on.  And if you are willing to have sex with that slimeball loser moron guy just to get on TV, then you are not just a slut.  You are also a gigantic asshole and a bigger loser than he is.

     I could complain about all that.  But I won’t.  Because from this point on, I will refuse to admit that I watched this show, ever, for any reason.  I will pretend, when I watch TMZ.com, that I have no idea who “Speidi” is.  I will pretend I have never heard of Lauren Conrad, and I will act totally confused when people refer to “LC”.  I might still google a picture of Audrina Patridge every now and then.  Because thinking about this show for one more second will make me dumber.  Even acknowledging that I know what is happening on the show will kill enough of my brain cells to make me a floor-crawling cheeseburger eater.  Admitting I watch this show makes me an idiot.  Actually watching the show makes me a bigger idiot.  Ergo, anyone who watches this show is an idiot.  Ergo, if you pick this up on DVD, you are an idiot.  Unless you are actually a character on this show.  In which case, you are an idiot if you don’t watch yourself.

     My copy of The Hills, Season Five Part One is sitting on my shelf beneath a copy of Dr. Jekyll And Mr. Hyde: The Musical starring David Hasselhoff.  And David Hasselhoff.

     P.S.  In my research for my review for this season of The Hills, I have discovered that Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag are abstaining from sex because they don’t want children.  If they don’t have children, things might be looking up for the human race.  And there’s your silver lining.

This entry was posted on Saturday, October 3rd, 2009 at 11:07 pm and is filed under 2009. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.