Pick of the week:  The Tournament (6/10):  I am thoroughly embarrassed that I like this movie.  Hit men killing other hitmen – Tournament style!  For money!  And there’s this priest…whatever.  It is enjoyable.  And I enjoyed it.

  TV show of the week:  Tales From the Darkside Season Two (8/10):  Still campy, still full of past and future “stars”, still totally entertaining.

  The Fugitive Season Three Volume One (7/10):  Still good.  Still running.  Still being chased.  Still the same.

  Mannix Season Three (6/10):  This might be the best private investigator show of all time.  There may never have been a good private investigator show, ever.

  The Guardian Season One (6/10):  A weird show.  I don’t know why I gave it six out of ten.  I’ve forgotten most of it already.

  Also out today:

Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs
Orphan
Whatever Works
Assassination of a High School President
Tinker Bell And the Lost Treasure
Gigantic
Adoration
Angel and the Badman (not the John Wayne one.  The Lou Diamond Phillips one.)
Battlestar Galactica: The Plan
The Caretaker
A Christmas Tale
Hope & A Little Sugar
Sauna
Medicine For Melancholy
Monty Python: Almost The Truth

  On Blu-Ray today:

Battlestar Galactica: The Plan
Beast Stalker
Bollyrobics: Dance Like Bollywood Stars
Delibes: Sylvia
Edvard Grieg: Piano Concerto
El Sistema: Music To Change Life
Expedition Africa: Stanley And Livingstone
Ice Age Triple Pack
Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs
If You Are The One
Il Divo
The Living Dead at Manchester Morgue
Look For A Star
Monty Python: Almost The Truth
Night of the Creeps
Nothing Like The Holidays
Oprhan
Puccini: Il Trittico
R. Strauss: Elektra
Royal Tramp
Shostakovich: Lady Macbeth
Stan Helsing
Stargate
Steve Vai: Where The Wild Things Are
Stravinsky and the Ballets Russes: The Firebird and the Rite of Spring
Tchaikovsy: Swan Lake
The Prisoner: Complete Series
Tinker Bell and the Lost Treasure
Together: The Hendrick Motorsports Story
Wagner: Tannhauser
Wagner: Tristan & Isolde
Whatever Works

  On DVD next week:

The Taking of Pelham 1,2,3
G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra
I Love You Beth Cooper
Aliens In The Attic
Hardwired
Food, Inc.
Nothing Like the Holidays
Will Ferrell: You’re Welcome America.  A Final Night With George W. Bush
Afterwards
The Answer Man
Beast Within
Don’t You Forget About Me
Il Divo
Dora The Explorer: Dora’s Christmas Carol Adventure
The Marc Pease Experience
Little Cars: The Big Adventure
Night Watcher
The Narrows
Not Forgotten
Paraiso Travel
Penthouse
The Terminators
Terminator Salvation: The Machinima Series

  On Blu-Ray next week:

Aliens in the Attic
The Answer Man
Art in the 21st Century Season Five
Blu-Ray Batman Collection
Botany of Desire
A Christmas Carol
Command Performance
Direct Action
Earth 2100
Elvis Costello: Spectacle Season One
Equator: Challenge of Change
Forrest Gump Sapphire Edition
Forrest Gump Chocolate Box Gift Set
G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra
Howard’s End
I Love You, Beth Cooper
It’s a Wonderful Life
James Bond 10-pack Blu-Ray Collection
Love Actually
Mummies: Secret of the Pharaohs
The Narrows
National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation
North By Northwest
Not Forgotten
Richard Bangs’ Adventures With A Purpose
Rocky: The Undisputed Collection
The Rolling Stones: Live At The Max
Say Anything
Screen Dreams: Living Fireplace Vol. 2
Star Wars: The Clone Wars, Complete Season One
The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3
Transformers Gift Set
Two Girls and a Guy
Watchmen The Ultimate Cut
Wild Asia: Kingdoms of the Coast
Wings of Desire
Witchblade The Complete Series
Screwballs (November 6th)

“The dark side is always there, waiting for us to enter, waiting to enter us.  Until next time, try to enjoy the daylight.”

Years:  1985, 1986
Genre:  TV series, Horror
Country:  United States
Languages:  English
Guest starring:  Chuck McCann, Bill Macy, Cab Calloway, Lisa Bonet, Jerry Stiller, Michael Warren, Darren McGavin, Seth Green, Fritz Weaver, Marie Windsor, Lorna Luft, Abe Vigoda, Marcia Cross, Paul Dooley, Yeardley Smith
Guest director of note:  Tom Savini
Narrator:  Paul Sparer
Creator:  George A. Romero
Run time:  8 hours 35 minutes
DVD distributor:  Paramount Home Entertainment
DVD extras:  Not much of anything
Related reviews:  Tales From The Darkside Season One

     Tales From The Darkside appears to have mellowed some as it enters its second season.  In the first season, all kinds of crazy outcomes were possible at the end of an episode.  The main character might lose, and die.  Or they might live, and win.  There was never any way to tell.  The first few episodes of Season Two, out October 27th from Paramount Home Entertainment, are relatively light with happy endings.  A nice impressionist is recruited to try to speak to an alien being.  When the episode is over, the aliens leave, but they kindly take him with them.  There is also a friendly scientist type fellow who manages to conjure up an alien woman who just happens to look exactly like a gorgeous human redhead.  When he is later sentenced to death, get gets a last-second reprieve as the smoking hot alien appears to take him away, presumably for a lifetime of glorious dirty ET-sex.

     These are all uplifting episodes, with their happy endings and their aliens and their attractive redheads.  Thankfully, the series once again gets a little darker.  I guess they hook you with the feel-good stuff.  And we meet a radio DJ who must broadcast, nonstop, for the rest of eternity.  Which actually is a recurring nightmare of mine. 

     When I watched the first season of Tales From The Darkside, I watched with my wife, who was constantly interrupting me to tell me what happened at the end of each episode.  Because she was an obsessive fan of this show as a child, I guess, and she wanted to prove it.  I tried to tell her that it wasn’t Tales From The Darkside Jeopardy, that I wasn’t going to be terribly impressed if she got the end of each episode right.  There were no points in it.  This time, I decided to watch Season Two by myself.  And you know what?  I enjoyed it just as much.  It’s campy, but totally entertaining.

“But for Richard Kimble, the fates are preparing another appointment.  At another place.  At another time.” 

Years:  1965
Genre:  TV series, Drama
Country:  United States
Languages:  English
Starring:  David Janssen, Barry Morse
Narrator:  William Conrad
Creator:  Roy Huggins
Run time:  12 hours 51 minutes
DVD distributor:  Paramount Home Entertainment
DVD extras:  Not much of anything
Related reviews:  The Fugitive Season One Volume Two, The Fugitive Season Two Volume One, The Fugitive Season Two Volume Two

     The Fugitive is as good as ever in Season Three Volume One, out October 27th from Paramount Home Entertainment.  David Janssen is as good as ever as Dr. Richard Kimble, falsely convicted of murdering his wife.  He continues to search for the one-armed man, although there is still no real explanation of what really happened when his wife was murdered.  He continues to rely on the kindness and the faith of strangers, and in one case during this volume, that stranger happens to be the temporarily blinded wife of his arch-enemy, Police Lieutenant Philip Gerard (David Morse).

     As always, the best episodes in the volume are those with Lt. Gerard, in particular a two-part episode where Gerard’s single-minded obsession with catching Kimble is about to cost him his marriage.  Mrs. Gerard is sick and tired of hearing about Kimble.  She is on vacation with her husband, but when he catches wind that Kimble is hiding out in a nearby town, he cuts the vacation short and drags her along to a hotel in that town as he obsessively chases the innocent man.  Eventually, she hears the name “Kimble” one too many times and abandons her husband, running off on a bus out of town.

     Unbeknownst to her, Richard Kimble is on that same bus.  When a bus accident injures Mrs. Gerard, she temporarily loses her eyesight thanks to a concussion.  Kimble, ever the Good Samaritan and doctor, takes her to the nearest town in a conveniently placed nearby truck, trying to find her medical help.  Gerard is still so preoccupied with Kimble that he barely makes an effort to look for his missing wife.  Of course, they are together.  And the town is deserted.  And there are some bad news kids making their journey difficult.  And so forth. 

     Eventually, Kimble slips through Gerard’s dragnet again, of course.  This show went on for a few more seasons, after all.  And this is just “Volume One”.  There has to be a second volume of this very season.  But the chances that he gets caught again, or that he will need to make another daring escape, are greater in this episode than in any other.  Which makes it one of the better episodes in the season.  Well, in the first volume of the season.  By the time Gerard reaches his wife, she is sick and tired of hearing about Kimble, especially now that she realizes she spent the entire time with the very man whose name she was trying to escape. 

     Thankfully, I am not tired of Richard Kimble.  Or David Janssen.  Or The Fugitive.  I am willing to watch every episode of this series until the big conclusion.  Looking forward to it!

“Mannix…is back in action”

Years:  1969, 1970
Genre:  TV series, Drama
Country:  United States
Languages:  English
Starring:  Mike Connors, Gail Fisher, Joseph Campanella, Ward Wood, Robert Reed
Creator:  Lalo Schifrin
Run time:  21 hours 18 minutes
DVD distributor:  Paramount Home Entertainment
DVD extras:  Not much of anything
Related reviews:  Mannix Season Two, Mannix Season One

     I like Mike Connors.  I like him as Mannix.  And I like the show.  But it’s still just a private investigator show.  It may have been interesting in the 60s.  In fact, I imagine that it was pretty gritty and advanced for television in 1969.  But so many shows have come since then, and so many private investigators have plied their trade on the small screen, that Mannix just lumps in with all of them.  He’s jsut another private eye, like Cannon and Jake Styles and Mom P.I.  Mannix, Season Three comes to DVD October 27th from Paramount Home Entertainment.

     Thankfully, Mannix is no longer with that ridiculous, massive Private Investigator Firm he was with in the first season.  And he has a good supporting cast, especially Gail Fisher as his receptionist.  In Season Three, he has yet another different car (the car appears to be a pretty big deal, season to season).  This time it’s a Dodge Dart GTS 340 convertible.  For me, that makes little difference in the show.  A car’s a car, as far as I’m concerned.  But I think a lot of people would probably care, so I’m mentioning it anyway. 

     The best thing I can say about Mannix Season Three, other than that it’s a pretty good private eye show, is that the DVDs are not split up into those obnoxious “Volume One” and “Volume Two” editions of each season that are coming out so much lately with other shows.  That means that for Mannix fans, all they have to do is purchase one season at a time.  You know, if you wanted to buy it.  And you might, if you’re a car person or just generally a fan of private investigator television.  I guess I am – I’m still watching Mannix.

“You men sure will be boys.”

Year:  2001, 2002
Genre:  TV series, Lawyer, Drama
Country:  United States
Languages:  English
Starring:  Simon Baker, Dabney Coleman, Raphael Sbarge, Alan Rosenberg, Erica Leerhsen, Wendy Moniz
Creator:  David Hollander
Run time:  16 hours 12 minutes
DVD distributor:  Paramount Home Entertainment
DVD extras:  CBS series launch promos

     Simon Baker is pretty darn good.  He has had an extensive television career, in series such as The Mentalist and The Guardian.  And he is always compelling and charming and solid, and his Nick Fallin character is no exception.  The rest of the cast of The Guardian was pretty good too, especially Dabney Coleman as Nick’s father Burton.  In The Guardian, Nick works at his father’s law firm, as a high-end, big money lawyer for corporate clients.  But he is given 1,500 hours of community service after some kind of unidentified, unspecified drug bust, and he goes to work for Legal Services of Pittsburgh.  And he finds a world he never contemplated, and grows as a result…and blah blah blah.

     This all happens very quickly.  In the pilot episode, Nick goes to work for Legal Services and doesn’t really know what he’s doing because he’s never been an attorney in court in this way, and so on and so forth.  He takes the case of a young boy who just witnessed the murder of his mother by his father.  He is now sucked in, and wants to do good, and appears to have changed entirely right in the first episode.  In the second episode (a continuation of the first) he blends his profitable business with his community service, suing a pharmaceutical company on behalf of the boy and his father.  It seems like a conflict of interest, but little comes of that.  He’s just a good lawyer, and that’s all there is to it.

     In the third episode, Fallin tries to find a guy who slept with a prostitute twelve years earlier so he can determine the paternity of a boy and collect back child support.  At no point in the show does anyone question whether that is even possible.  Can a john really pay child support for a child he had with a hooker?  I guess so – no one seems to ask any questions at all about it.  The ethics of this are questionable at best.  But no one questions them.  No one even asks for a paternity test.  Wouldn’t you?  I mean, she’s a hooker.  I would suggest that paternity might be a serious question in this situation.  But everything just seems to work out, because Fallin’s just that good a guy.  And that good a lawyer.

     There are some decent moments as the series goes on – a brief mention is made about a homosexual kid and why he can’t get placed with gay foster parents.  There are revelations about Nick’s father, and his background with labour relations.  There are kids who are lying about being raped and women who trick Nick into representing them.  Parents who hate their gay children, and crack addicts who take babies hostage.  Sometimes it’s totally obvious, other times it’s totally contrived, but Simon Baker makes it consistently watchable.  That doesn’t make it great, but it makes it good enough to see.  The Guardian, Season One comes out on DVD October 27th from Paramount Home Entertainment.

“Death By Elimination”

Year:  2009
Genre:  Action
Country:  United States
Language:  English
Starring:  Kelly Hu, Ving Rhames, Robert Carlyle, Ian Somerhalder, Liam Cunningham, Sebastien Foucan
Director:  Scott Mann
Run time:  95 minutes
DVD distributor:  Alliance Films
DVD extras:  Pretty much nothing

     The tagline for The Tournament is “death by elimination”.  Which sounds badass and cool, in a contrived and silly kind of way.  But on closer examination, it is not only contrived and silly, it is also ludicrous.  Much like the movie itself.  But for a silly, ludicrous, utterly contrived movie, The Tournament is pretty damn entertaining.  Ving Rhames (Pulp Fiction) has a certain Marcellus Wallace type presence, as he usually does, as The Best Hitman In The World.  Kelly Hu (X-Men 2) is smoking hot, and totally effective as a conflicted hitwoman.  And Robert Carlyle is reliably good as an alcoholic priest caught up in this fight-to-the-death tournament.

     But I want to examine the tagline for a moment, because it’s indicative of the rest of the film.  “Death by elimination”.  That sort of conveys the basic idea of the movie.  Which is, really, the only idea behind the movie.  30 of the world’s “greatest assassins” are chosen for a 24-hour “tournament” where they must kill each other off, until the Last One Standing wins $10 million.  Okay, I’ve seen this one before.  We’ve all seen this one before.  An excuse for brainless action, mindless violence, and brutal killings without any redeeming social, ethical or intellectual value.  Some are entertaining, others idiotic at best.

     At least The Tournament is entertaining.  Anyway, back to that tagline.  Really, it isn’t “death by elimination”.  That would imply that once someone is eliminated from the game, they get killed.  But in fact, it’s obviously the other way around.  Elimination by death.  When someone gets killed, only then are they eliminated from the tournament.  This is the sort of distinction that this film (and others like it) would never bother making.  This is a movie where buildings blow up, cars get riddled with bullets, assassins wait at the site of a bloody shootout for other assassins to arrive, and people kill dozens, maybe hundreds of innocent bystanders.

     At no point do we see a cop.  Not even one.  A half-assed explanation is afforded – the people who run “The Tournament” are so big, and so powerful, that they can create all kinds of explanations for this mayhem, and the public will just swallow them.  There was a terrorist attack, you see.  Or some crazy guy shot up a bus.  Or a domestic dispute that just happened to spill over into the street, where it took an extra thirty lives.  The fact that all of this happened in the same city on the same day will be explained also, I imagine.

     The thing is, it doesn’t matter.  All a movie like this can expect from the audience is the suspension of disbelief, and I wasn’t concerned about cops and media attention and bystanders and witnesses any more than was director Scott Mann by the 15 minute mark.  Instead, I actually managed to care about finding out who killed Ving Rhames’ wife.  And I cared that Robert Carlyle, the ultimate innocent bystander, was kept safe.  And I cared that Kelly Hu stayed smoking hot and alive.  And I wanted to see that justice was ultimately served when the bad guy died.  Yes, even in a film that starts with 30 bad guys, one of them has to be the Main Bad Guy.

     What’s nice about The Tournament is that it understands what it is.  When the Big Revelation is made, and we find out who really killed Ving Rhames’ wife, we have already figured it out long ago.  You know, through flashbacks and insinuation and so forth.  And when we get to that moment, the film doesn’t treat it as a Big Twist, or a Stunning Turn Of Events, like so many other, similar movies would have done.  Instead, it actually says “you already know who it is”.  And so we do.  It actually has a cop show up – like they obviously would.  But of course, it isn’t a real cop, it’s just another hitman.  When there is a shootout in a strip club, one of the strippers has to be a hitman too.  Hitwoman?  Hitstripper?  I like the ring of that one.

     One of the “contestants” manages to remove the chip that is guiding him.  So now he can’t be tracked, and he’s off the grid.  Stealthy and all.  It doesn’t matter that the chip has been implanted in him by people who are powerful enough to make giant explosions disappear, and to command every CCTV camera in the world all at once.  Or that those people who implanted the chip have done so with the idea that after exactly 24 hours the chip will explode and kill them.  If they are still alive.  But somehow these Uber-Powerful Folks have overlooked the fact that these hitmen can just make a small slit in their stomachs and remove the chip.  Whoops.

     Again, this movie cares not a whit for such oversights.  They are barely concerned with continuity, let alone plausibility and common sense.  No, what they were after was action, and explosions, and gleefully sadistic hitmen and hot, troubled, conscientious hitwomen and single-minded vendetta-seeking legends of the assassin world.  Oh – there’s an assassin world, by the way.  All these guys know each other.  Because they are all in the I Kill People For Money Facebook group.  Or something. 

     In the end, what matters is only the action and the ability of the three main actors to be convincing in their roles.  And for the most part, all of that is pulled off.  Kelly Hu actually comes across as sympathetic.  Ving Rhames is suitably badass and driven.  And Robert Carlyle is believably befuddled and freaked out when everyone around him starts dying in spectacular bloody fashion.  In fact, his character is actually interesting, in that it is, to some extent, a gender reversal.  Normally, in an action movie, a woman would be inadvertently caught up in a melee like this, and it would be a man (possibly Jason Statham) protecting her from the bad guys.  Think Rae Dawn Chong in Commando, or Sandra Bullock in Speed.  It’s a nice role reversal, and an unusual one.

     Not like there’s any character development.  Carlyle ostensibly survives the carnage to regain his faith and give up his alcoholism.  Why, I’m not sure.  But then, I’m not sure I care.  I really don’t care that this movie makes little sense or that no one actually cares whether it makes sense.  It has good action, some wicked fight scenes (most involving Sebastien Foucan, an athletic man with crazy monkey skills), and some good eye candy.  Both the female Kelly Hu kind, and the explosion-and-gunfight kind.  Sometimes, that’s all I want in a film.  The Tournament comes out October 27th from Alliance Films.

“Happiness isn’t always the best way to be happy”

 Year:  2009
Genre:  Kids
Country:  United States
Languages:  English
Starring:  Max Records, Catherine Keener, Mark Ruffalo (brief cameo)
Voices:  James Gandolfini, Paul Dano, Catherine O’Hara, Forest Whitaker, Michael Berry Jr., Chris Cooper, Lauren Ambrose
Director:  Spike Jonze
Run time:  104 minutes

     On one hand, I absolutely admire what Spike Jonze is trying to do with Where The Wild Things Are.  I would suggest that the risks he took in making the film are similar to those taken in making a movie like WALL-E.  In both circumstances, filmmakers were pitching an idea that may well not appeal to kids.  A robot, alone on a planet, that doesn’t speak?  What kid would want to watch that?  Or a movie where a kid does some crazy things, then escapes to a world in his own mind where very little happens – would they watch that one either?  I think WALL-E succeeded beyond anyone’s wildest (pardon the pun) expectations, whereas Wild Things succeeds only marginally.

     Visually, this movie is sensational.  This is a wonderfully shot and beautifully crafted film.  When Max (Max Records) escapes into this world in his imagination, the Wild Things spring vividly to life from the pages of Maurice Sendak’s classic children’s book.  (A book that, I must say, was one of my absolute favourites as a child.)  The voices of the Wild Things are incredible.  Paul Dano, Catherine O’Hara, Forest Whitaker, Chris Cooper and others all provide a wonderful charm and liveliness to their respective creatures.  The best though, is James Gandolfini as Carol, the Wild Thing who first befriends Max upon his arrival on their island.  When I closed my eyes, it was like Max is talking to Tony Soprano.  And that was a lot of fun.

     There are also some terrific performances in the film.  Max Records is absolutely sensational as Max.  He perfectly captures the voiceless rage of a young boy, the aimless rebellion and the desire to scream at nothing and everything at the same time.  Watching his divorced mom kiss a man who isn’t his father appears to set him off, but having one of his teenage sister’s friends cave in his snow fort seems to be an equally devastating event in his life.  In the end, he is just a child and although he wants to act out, he isn’t equipped to do it in a reasonable and thoughtful way.  And once he reaches the island of the Wild Things, he meets in them kindred spirits - they like the same things he does, but they are also as childish and emotionally stunted as is he.

     All of this is great.  Really, really great.  It is so unusual for a children’s movie, much of it is unexpected, and the whole thing is compelling and (once again I must say) visually spectacular.  The world in which the Wild Things live is vivid and bright and meticulously constructed.  It’s wonderful.  Then comes the really gutsy part.  Jonze elected, at this point, to let the movie drag almost to a halt.  The Wild Things are fun, but childish, and they bicker and get jealous and have trouble expressing themselves, just like a kid.  But once all this is established, very little happens.  There are more visually entertaining moments, like a dirt-clod snowball fight.  But every scene just reinforces the capricious childishness of the Wild Things.  I get it already.  Move it along.

     And there’s the thing that both impressed me and annoyed me about the movie.  I think Jonze has chosen to represent the World Of The Child as a world of fun and frivolity, but also nonsense and frustration.  And he takes a big chance by representing that world as one of tedium.  I get it – that is, indeed, a child’s world.  How often do your kids come to you and say they’re bored after being home for an hour?  I’m betting as often as mine do.  But in taking that chance, he takes the chance of allowing the film to become tedious.

     And make no mistake, the last 45 minutes of Where The Wild Things Are is tedious.  The same clashes over and over, the same bickering, the same disputes, the same complaints from the Wild Things who have made Max their king (it’s a kid’s fantasy – of course he’s their king!), and the same moral dilemmas that Max (king or no king) is not equipped to handle, since of course he has the same moral dilemmas.  Jonze also takes a chance providing a less than neat and tidy resolution to the film, and once again I appreciate that.  My kids didn’t, but I’m not writing this review for them.  As far as I was concerned, the film wrapped up in an exemplary and satisfactory way.

     But when I look back on the movie, I remember Max Records giving a fantastic performance.  And I remember closing my eyes and picturing Tony Soprano complaining about his hurt feelings.  And I remember Where the Wild Things were.  Because it was incredible to look at.  But mostly I remember looking at the watch of the guy next to me.  (I don’t wear one myself.)  I remember wondering how much longer the movie would be.  I appreciated the effort and the ambition, I really did, but the final product fell short of all of that.

“Matt Lauer can suck it!”

Year:  2009
Genre:  Comedy
Country:  United States
Language:  English
Starring:  Will Ferrell, Danny McBride, Anna Friel
Eye candy:  Friel, really.  And a monkey?
Director:  Brad Silberling
Run time:  92 minutes
DVD extras:  Deleted scenes, A day in the life of big-time movie star Danny McBride, Devil’s Canyon gift shop commercial and tour, feature commentary with director Brad Silberling

     Much like Year One, Land of the Lost is worse than the sum of its parts.  Will Ferrell is generally decent.  Danny McBride is generally good.  And Anna Friel is generally smoking hot.  But they are given almost nothing to work with in Land Of The Lost, which is more concerned with 3-D visuals than it is with making me laugh.  And the 3-D visuals are decent.  But the laughs are few and far between.  You see, there is a mosquito sucking Will Ferrell’s blood.  And it gets really, really big.  And he gets pale, and falls over.  Get it?  I really don’t.

     The movie starts off quite funny.  Ferrell, as Dr. Rick Marshall, is explaining his new book about some crackpot theory he has on the Matt Lauer show.  Lauer, doing a great job of sending himself up, is fantastic with Ferrell, and the scene is hilarious (until it jumps the shark and Ferrell attacks Lauer).  Then he and Holly (Friel) end up transported by his time machine with Will (McBride) to a land where dinosaurs roam around and eat people.  Ferrell ends up having a reasonably entertaining rivalry with (and vendetta against) a surprisingly smart tyrannosaurus, and there’s a pretty funny scene with a giant walnut.

     From that point, however, the movie goes right off the rails.  Nothing, from this moment on, makes sense.  And I understand the idea behind the film is absurdity.  That ice cream vans will fall out of the sky so the guy inside can be eaten by dinosaurs.  And that the explorers might come across resorts that have fallen into the desert.  Which would be fine if it fit in with the movie.  Instead, all these strange occurences are no more than sight gags or an excuse for a strange place where unusual things can happen.  Then there are the slow-moving brainwashed alien things. 

     I have never seen the television series Land Of The Lost.  Perhaps it was like this.  Maybe all this bonkers stuff happened on television.  But I don’t care if it did.  It makes no sense in this movie, and it isn’t fun.  It’s stupid.  The whole movie, sadly, is stupid.  There is another good scene at the end of the film involving Lauer again (until it once again jumps the shark when this time, Lauer attacks Ferrell).  But these scenes bookend a film that has no idea what it wants to be, where it wants to go, or how it wants to get there.  Ferrell and McBride don’t work well together, and Friel is a fine actress who is asked to do little else but provide some eye candy.  And very little of it is watchable.

“I’m sorry, I wasn’t listening.  All my brain blood was in my boner.”

Year:  2009
Genre:  Comedy (I’m guessing)
Country:  United States (where else)
Language:  English (and profanity)
Starring:  Jack Black, Michael Cera, Bill Hader, Oliver Platt, David Cross, Christopher Mintz-Plasse, Vinnie Jones, Hank Azaria, Xander Berkeley, Horatio Sanz (if you can call anyone in this movie a “star”)
Eye candy:  Olivia Wilde, Juno Temple, June Diane Raphael, Rhoda Griffis (although really Olivia Wilde is enough on her own.  Here are some more pictures.)
Director:  Harold Ramis (although I wouldn’t admit it were I Harold Ramis)
Run time:  97 minutes
DVD extras:  Deleted Scenes, Line-O-Rama, Extended and Alternate scenes, Commentary w/ director and Jack Black and Michael Cera, Year One: The Journey Begins making-of featurette, Alternate ending: Sodom Destruction, Gag reel, Sodom’s got ‘em, Leeroy Jenkins: The Gates of Sodom

     To call Year One “historically inaccurate” is not only an egregious understatement, it also misses the point.  Then again, the movie misses the point itself.  Sometimes just finding actors is good enough for a film, and Year One is no exception.  Apparently, just having Jack Black and Michael Cera is good enough.  Two big comedic names, two totally different comedic personalities – and bingo!  We have a movie!  Perhaps we should write a story around it.  Or not.  Maybe we could just put both of them on screen, add some hotties in loincloths, and that should be good enough to make money.

     And, likely it was.  Especially when the hotties in loincloths are this superb.  Olivia Wilde might be the hottest woman alive.  Juno Temple, June Diane Raphael and Rhoda Griffis are sensational as well, but Wilde is more than enough on her own.  Even though this movie is set in the…prehistoric…biblical…middle ages…of the Romans…and I am certain that personal hygiene was not up to today’s standards, I would still (after a cocktail or two) drink her bath water.  But eye candy alone (even in the person of an actress with actual talent) does not a movie make.

     You know how sometimes two very talented people don’t mesh?  You know how sometimes morning radio shows will hire a man and a woman completely seperately, assuming that because each is good on their own, they will be good together?  And then sometimes they end up being Chester and Chesty and the whole thing is a bust?  Or how about hockey teams who think they can put the three best players on a team on a line together, and do a ton of damage.  But those players just can’t work together.  That’s Jack Black and Michael Cera in Year One.

     Now, I would like to state for the record that I am a Michael Cera fan.  I have a (mostly) non-sexual man-crush on the guy.  It doesn’t hurt that he’s timid and cute and slightly effeminate.  I am lukewarm when it comes to the charms of Jack Black, who I think is terrific as the second or third banana (Tropic Thunder, Margot At The Wedding), but I have rarely seen him carry a movie in a satisfactory fashion.  School of Rock and Kung Fu Panda being possible exceptions.  But the fact of the matter is, both are one-note actors.  Cera is a bumbling, charming timid kid, and Black is a blowhard overbearing jackass.  That’s it.  Together, they are far less than the sum of their parts.

     But just two actors working poorly together isn’t enough for this movie.  They have to add Bill Hader in a bizarre cameo as a drugged-up medicine man.  It isn’t funny.  Then David Cross shows up as Cain, just in time to kill Abel.  That isn’t funny.  Vinnie Jones is a tyrant Roman guard captain.  He’s not funny.  And Oliver Platt is hairy and gross and homosexual.  Also, terribly unfunny.  At every step, this movie gets more ludicrous, more contrived and less funny than at every previous step.  Even with the addition of Raphael, Temple and Wilde, there is precious little reason to watch this mishmash of garbage.

  Pick of the week:  They Killed Sister Dorothy (9/10):  A mezmerizing documentary about a 73-year-old nun who was murdered in Brazil while doing missionary work.  The trial of her murderers is about the most riveting courtroom drama imaginable.

  Documentary of the week:  Capturing Reality: The Art of Documentary (8/10):  A terrific doc about making docs.  It’s pretty much for film nerds only, but I am certainly one of those.

  Foreign film of the week:  Battle of the Warriors (7/10):  It’s not a classic, by any means.  But even a mediocre movie, by Hong Kong war epic standards, is pretty darn good.

  TV series of the week:  Hawaii Five-O Season Seven (7/10):  This series was getting much better as it hit the seventh season.  And I am sorry, Jack Lord.  You were not a David Caruso prototype.

  Blu-Ray of the week:  Withnail & I:  A truly classic British comedy.  Might be the best British comedy ever, with the exception perhaps of the Monty Python stuff.  A MUST-SEE.

  Something to do with the Wall (8/10):  Documentary makers went to Berlin to film the people who lived around the Berlin wall in the mid-80s.  But just before they finished filming, the wall came down.

  Dora The Explorer: Dora’s Christmas (4/10):  Dora the Explorer goes to visit Santa.  Of course she does.  She brings a backpack and a map.

  Vega$ First Season Volume One (6/10):  Robert Urich starred in a show with a ton of babes and boobs and strippers and showgirls and hookers and eye candy.  I think it was about a private eye in Vegas.  Or something.

  The Children (5/10):  Effectively creepy at times, but at other times it’s just silly.  Needs more people punching more children.

  Blood Sweat & Gears (6/10):  A documentary about an American cycling team trying to win clean without drugs.  Some great training moments as they prepare for the Tour De France.  But it’s like two different movies.

  Numb3rs Fifth Season (5/10):  I am coming around to this show.  As long as you ignore the math schtick, it’s a decent cop drama.

  CSI: New York Fifth Season (7/10):  Starts with a cliffhanger.  Annoying.  And ends with a cliffhanger.  Annoying.  In the middle, it’s a pretty darn good cop show.

  Greg Giraldo: Midlife Vices (7/10):  A pretty decent Comedy Central stand-up DVD, from a guy who is unfortunately known only for roasts, so far.

  Yo Gabba Gabba: Meet My Family (5/10):  For some reason, The Roots, The Shins, Biz Markie and other musical guests appear on this bonkers show.

  Also out today:

Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen
Wrong Turn 3: Left For Dead
Cheri
Blood: The Last Vampire
Dead Snow
Left Bank
The Laws of Motion
The Final Season of the L Word
Last of the Living
Saturday Night Live: The Best of Amy Poehler

  On Blu-Ray today:

100 Feet
Blood: The Last Vampire
The Crew
Easy Rider
Eminem: Live From New York City
Escaflowne: The Movie
Ichi The Killer
Leonard Cohen: Live at the Isle of Wight 1970
Love N Dancing
Monsoon Wedding
The Secret of the Nutcracker
Toto: Falling In Between Live
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
UFC 100: Making History
Waterworld
Willie Nelson and Wynton Marsalis play Ray Charles
Withnail & I
Wrong Turn 3: Left for Dead

  On DVD next week:

Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs
Orphan
Whatever Works
The Tournament
Assassination of a High School President
Tinker Bell And the Lost Treasure
Gigantic
Adoration
Angel and the Badman
Battlestar Galactica: The Plan
The Caretaker
A Christmas Tale
Hope & A Little Sugar
Sauna
Medicine For Melancholy
Monty Python: Almost The Truth

  On Blu-Ray next week:

Battlestar Galactica: The Plan
Beast Stalker
Bollyrobics: Dance Like Bollywood Stars
Delibes: Sylvia
Edvard Grieg: Piano Concerto
El Sistema: Music To Change Life
Expedition Africa: Stanley And Livingstone
Ice Age Triple Pack
Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs
If You Are The One
Il Divo
The Living Dead at Manchester Morgue
Look For A Star
Monty Python: Almost The Truth
Night of the Creeps
Nothing Like The Holidays
Oprhan
Puccini: Il Trittico
R. Strauss: Elektra
Royal Tramp
Shostakovich: Lady Macbeth
Stan Helsing
Stargate
Steve Vai: Where The Wild Things Are
Stravinsky and the Ballets Russes: The Firebird and the Rite of Spring
Tchaikovsy: Swan Lake
The Prisoner: Complete Series
Tinker Bell and the Lost Treasure
Together: The Hendrick Motorsports Story
Wagner: Tannhauser
Wagner: Tristan & Isolde
Whatever Works

Year:  2006
Genre:  War, Epic, Period Piece
Countries:  South Korea, Hong Kong, China, Japan
Language:  Mandarin w/ English subtitles, or English dubbing
Starring:  Andy Lau, Ahn Sungki, Wang Zhi Wen, Fan Bing Bing, Wu Chi Lung, Choi Siwon
Director:  Jacob C.L. Cheung
Run time:  133 minutes
DVD distributor:  Alliance Films
DVD extras:  Feature commentary by Bey Logan (Hong Kong cinema expert), and the making of Battle of the Warriors.

     Even a halfway decent Hong Kong war epic is a pretty darn good movie.  And Battle Of The Warriors is a pretty darn good movie.  Even though it’s only halfway decent by Hong Kong war epic standards.  Andy Lau stars as a wandering warrior from the legendary clan of Mozi warriors who helps a city defend itself against an invading army with vastly superior numbers.  The movie is more about strategy than it is about bloodshed and swordplay.  More people are killed with arrows than are killed in crazy action scenes, but there is enough great wartime action to satisfy those seeking that kind of thrill.  Lau is fantastic, and he brings a serene, stoic screen presence to a role that requires little more than serenity and stoicness.  Stoicity.  Whatever that word might be.

     Ge Li (Lau) arrives in Liang City as the village prepares to surrender to the invading Zhao army.  The Zhaos have a massive army, hundreds of thousands strong, and the village has only a few thousand inhabitants to fight them off.  When Ge Li arrives, he makes a quick calculation.  Liang City is of little strategic importance to the Zhaos, and they are on their way to conquer the Yan State.  So all the people of Liang have to do is hold them off for a little while, and make it clear that conquering their small village will come at too great a cost, and the Zhaos will move on and leave them alone.  So with Ge Li’s help, they fortify their town and prepare for the onslaught.

     The movie is called Battle of the Warriors for the American release, but its international title is more apt - the movie is really called Battle of Wits, and that’s what it is.  Ge Li’s strategic planning vs. the military might and cunning of the Zhao commander.  This part of the movie is far more cerebral and meticulous than it is action-packed and bloody.  The bloodshed certainly arrives, but only after carefully orchestrated plans set it up.  This part of the movie is very cool, and I found it riveting, exemplified by the scene where Ge Li sits down with the enemy commander to play a board game, as they feel out each others’ strategic tendencies.

     Complicating things are the supporting characters, not all of whom make sense.  The king of Liang City is an ineffectual, drunken buffoon, who cares more about staying in power than he does about helping his people.  He’s not an unusual character in a war movie.  The bumbling, clueless, mean-spirited commander is a pretty standard guy.  But Lord Liang (Wang Zhiwen) is more of a cartoon character than anything else.  Then there’s his general.  He seems to be a cold-blooded opportunist, and he plots to destroy Ge Li when it appears he has become the most powerful and beloved man in the village.  He orders the massacre of some captured soldiers, showing his and his evil tendencies.  Then, at other points in the film, he appears to be sticking up for Ge Li when the king wants him destroyed.  I’m not sure what he’s supposed to be.

     The two most interesting characters in the film are the gorgeous Yi Yue (Fan Bingbing), the leader of Liang’s cavalry, who falls in love with Ge Li, and the prince of Liang.  The prince is a complex character, who evolves throughout the film.  Initially skeptical of the stranger, and resentful that some of his authority has been usurped, he eventually comes around to seeing things Ge Li’s way.  Then, in a surprise ending, something…happens…I don’t want to ruin the ending.  I hope you’ll watch this movie.  It isn’t perfect, and it loses a lot of steam after the big betrayal toward the end, but it’s overall a solid effort.  And as I said, a solid Hong Kong war epic effort is a pretty darn good movie.

Year:  1991
Genre:  Documentary
Country:  United States
Language:  English, German w/ English subtitles
Starring:  East and West Germany
Directors:  Ross McElwee, Marilyn Levine
Run time:  88 minutes
DVD distributor:  First Run Features
DVD extras:  Director’s film notes, filmmakers’ biography, trailers

     One scene in particular from Something To Do With The Wall sticks with me.  An old American man, frustrated with the cold war and the Berlin wall in Germany and the continuing inaction of the world, climbs up onto the wall and swings away, by himself, with a sledgehammer as curious onlookers congregate at the base of the wall.  The aged man can do no damage with his sledgehammer, because he doesn’t really have the strength to swing it.  His effort is entirely symbolic, and ultimately fruitless and irrelevant.  His solitary effort atop the wall sticks with me more for it’s lack of poignancy than anything else.  The camera crews are rolling, people are watching him, but in truth he is more of a demented curiosity to them than he is a symbol of change and solidarity.

     Antoher man writes a message of protest in his own blood at the base of the wall.  Again, he is passed over as one of the crazies who populate the area.  There have been 25 years of showdowns between protestors on the West German side of the wall and police on the East German side.  As the film makers point out, the whole thing has become less an idealogical fight and more of a public relations standoff.  No one is making any progress and the wall is never, ever going to come down.  People are genuinely upset.  Some are furious and passionate and willing to wage war in order to end the insanity.  But they are shouting into the wind, and no one is listening.

     And then – the wall comes down!  Seemingly out of nowhere, seemingly overnight.  Ross McElwee and Matilyn Levine had been in Germany filming this documentary, about the people who live on either side of the wall.  Now, they must return to film the dismantling of this structure that has symbolized the Cold War for a quarter of a century.  This part of the movie is actually a little less compelling than the beginning, because it’s just a bunch of people expressing relief and joy and elation, although many of them have trouble explaining exactly why they’re happy.  Some I get – they can finally visit their family who live on the other side of the wall.  But is that everything?

     That being said, the second half of the film still works, and really well.  I remember the Berlin wall coming down, in 1989.  I remember it being on television, and I remember my parents talking about it.  But I was ten or eleven years old, and I certainly didn’t understand the significance of the event.  And frankly, I still don’t really understand.  But thanks to Something To Do With The Wall, I’m a little bit closer.  And that in itself is a reason to watch.  The film comes out October 20th from First Run Features.

“Justice…is impossible to understand.”

Year:  2008
Genre:  Documentary
Country:  United States
Languages:  English, Portugese w/ English subtitles
Starring:  Sister Dorothy Stang
Narrator:  Martin Sheen
Director:  Daniel Junge
Run time:  93 minutes
DVD distributor:  First Run Features
DVD extras:  Update, photos, film notes

     The best thing about They Killed Sister Dorothy is the second half, which plays out more like a courtroom drama than like a documentary.  Fiery rhetoric from both the prosecutors and the defense team in the trial of the man who ordered the killing of Sister Dorothy Stang, a nun and missionary who traveled to Brazil to fight against deforestation and greedy landowners.  The lawyers for the defendant, a landowner who has ordered the killing of the nun, and who has intimidated witnesses into recanting their testimony, make a bizarre case that this nun is an agent of American imperialism, that she was a violent and evil American who brought that special American brand of violence to Brazil.

     Their contention that Sister Dorothy was not a good person, that she was part of the same United States ethos that created an unwarranted war in Iraq and gave rise to Guantanamo Bay, is bizarre to say the least.  And ludicrous, even if you believe what they are saying.  And by the time I got to that portion of the trial, I was not inclined to believe what they were saying.  The courtroom saga lasts a long time in this film, and the ending is as dramatic as any courtroom drama I have ever seen on a screen.  (Then there is a postscript to the movie that takes a lot of wind out of its sails, which is too bad.)

     They Killed Sister Dorothy is out on DVD October 20th from First Run Features.  It tells the story of the life and work of Sister Dorothy Stang, through the eyes and words of her brother, her co-workers, and the people whose lives she touched and influenced and changed through her presence in this region of Brazil.  Fighting against greed, against deforestation, against land owners and loggers, fighting for the farmers and for the people.  When she became too strong, and too important to the people and their movement, the 73-year-old nun was assassinated, shot six times at point blank range.

     It’s both a tragic story and an uplifting one, as the people derive strength from Sister Dorothy, and from her murder.  And it’s also a dramatic tour de force – the filmmakers choose to wait until a certain moment in the trial to show us, for the first time, the murder charge that was filed against Sister Dorothy some years earlier.  All of a sudden, there is some uncertainty.  Was she actually a violent revolutionary, and not just a good Christian missionary?  That doubt evaporates very quickly, but the revelation creates yet another dramatic moment in a film that is incredibly well put together.

     The story of Sister Dorothy is compelling, but the story of the trial of her murderers is absolutely mezmerizing.  I was riveted throughout the proceedings, and I cared, deeply, about the verdict.  Would the greedy, rich landowners be able to buy off the system and go free, like they always do?  Or would justice be served?  And whatever the outcome, would it change anything for the people of the area or just make things worse?  All these questions are answered, and I won’t tell you what the answers are, because I hope you watch this documentary.  They Killed Sister Dorothy is well worth it.

“Merry Christmas!  Feliz Navidad!”

Year:  2009
Genre:  TV series, Cartoon, Kids
Country:  United States
Languages:  English, Spanish
Starring:  Caitlin Sanchez
Creator:  Eric Weiner
Run time:  98 minutes
DVD distributor:  Paramount Home Entertainment
DVD extras:  Santa’s Super Scavenger Hunt, and three other episodes – “Rapido, Tico!”, “School Pet” and “Quack! Quack!”
Related reviews:  Dora Saves the Crystal Kingdom, Super Babies Dream Adventure, Catch The Stars, Nickelodeon’s Animal Friends, Nickelodeon’s All Star Sports Day

     I find it implausible that a river leads to Santa’s house a the North Pole.  Unless global warming is happening far quicker in Dora The Explorer’s world than it is in ours.  This is really cause for concern.  Also cause for concern is the present Boots got for Dora for Christmas – a flute “un flauta”.  Not the present itself, but Boots wrapped it in rainbow wrapping paper.  And I thought – rainbows?  At Christmas?  I think Boots is a little clueless when it comes to Christmas traditions.  Most troubling of all though is that all I have to do to help out is say things like “backpack” and “map”, and those things appear instantly.  If kids get the idea that all they need to trek to the North Pole is a backpack and a map, there might be more children dying of exposure this year than in other years on a fruitless quest for Santa. 

     There are some nice touches in Dora’s Christmas, out October 20th from Paramount Home Entertainment.  Dora and Boots are very fortunate to run into a puppy who speaks only Spanish.  I don’t want to sound insensitive here, but when the puppy speaks Spanish, it sounds an awful lot like barking.  At least when Dora says “sauta”, it sounds like “sauta” and not “arf”.  And Swiper the Fox, who generally steals everything not nailed down like some kind of demented canine Winona Ryder, teaches us that even a kleptomaniac wouldn’t have the heart to steal a present from Santa!

     Now, I understand that Santa is likely to speak Spanish.  He is a well-traveled man of the world, after all.  But Dora got him a guitar.  I don’t know if that’s the present that I would have picked out for a man isolated at the North Pole alone with a bunch of reindeer and elves all year long.  He only gets out one night, and the elves must be sick of him by now.  So giving him a guitar will only make him into that guy who plays the guitar around the bonfire.  And it’s Santa – you know he’s going to sing songs about himself.  After a week, the reindeer will be begging to hear “Kumbaya”.  And the elves will hate him and resent him even more.  And their workmanship will become shoddy.  And…

     Ah well.  All’s well that ends well.  Dora’s favourite part of the story was when Swiper gave back Santa’s present.  But she also liked the part that was my favourite part.  Assuming that my favourite part was not also the touching moment with Swiper.  And assuming I told her what my favourite moment was.  And I did.  My favourite moment was when the credits rolled and I took out the DVD and put on Battle of the Warriors.

Years:  1978
Genre:  TV series, Drama
Country:  United States
Language:  English
Starring:  Robert Urich, Phyllis Davis, Tony Curtis, Bart Braverman, Naomi Stevens, Judy Landers, Greg Morris, Will Sampson
Eye candy:  All kinds.  Strippers, showgirls, hookers, everyone is apparently hot in Vegas.  Also Cristina Ferrare, Lauren Tewes, Dorothy Malone, Ronee Blakley and Kim Basinger
Guest stars:  Morey Amsterdam, Abe Vigoda, Don Porter, Antonio Fargas, Sid Caesar, Slim Pickens, Strother Martin, Pernell Roberts, Cesar Romero, Doc Severinsen
Creator:  Michael Mann
Run time:  9 hours 27 minutes
DVD distributor:  Paramount Home Entertainment
DVD extras:  Episodic promos on selected episodes.  That’s it.

     If ever a TV series cried out for some nudity, it’s Vega$.  In the late 70s, Robert Urich starred in this series as a private investigator in Las Vegas.  Call girl murders, Miss Casino pageants, strippers and showgirls and hot women everywhere else.  Most of them need to be naked to ply their chosen trades, but of course it was 1978.  And television.  So there were no nipples.  But lots of eye candy.  Heck, even Dan Tanna’s (Urich) receptionists were ex-showgirls (one efficient and competent, one a stupid airhead – it was like Three’s Company but in Vegas). 

     Of course, Vegas has a pretty seedy underbelly, and that makes it the perfect venue for shows that get off on a large amount of titillation.  Like this one, and CSI.  Not just titillation of a no-clothes sexy women nature, but also the voyeuristic thrills of pimps and gambling and mob bosses and casino politics.  The supporting cast is remarkable as well – Greg Morris (Mission: Impossible), Will Sampson (One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest), and even Tony Curtis, who shows up on occasion.  Curtis is billed as one of the stars of the show, but he’s in only a few of the episodes on Season One Volume One of Vega$, out October 20th from Paramount Home Entertainment.

     This show really was no better than the sum of its parts.  Those parts are entertaining though.  Hookers and gamblers and babes and tough-guy private investigators and his massive sidekick who beats up anyone who looks at him sideways.  Robert Urich is a lot of fun, and although he’s smarter and tougher than everyone else, he doesn’t always get it right.  In the two-hours series pilot, he gets taken in by a slot machine scam artist who is being pretty obvious about his attempt to take him in.  Then again, that’s a very small part of the pilot, which also involves a runaway girl with suspect parents, a murdered pimp and a murdered call girl, a Vegas entertainer who hires Tanna to be his bodyguard, and some women for Tanna to sleep with.  It’s a lot to take in, but it all comes together…somehow.

     Thankfully, further episodes focus on one issue at a time, most of which bring more hotties in to parade about in feathers or lingerie.  It’s all positive.  And it’s all fairly entertaining.  It just isn’t great.  At times, it isn’t even good.  But overall it’s worth it.