Year:  2009
Genre:  Kids, TV series, Cartoon
Country:  United States
Languages:  English, Spanish, Chinese, etc.
Starring:  Jake T. Austin, Caitlin Sanchez
Series:  Dora The Explorer, Go Diego Go, Wonder Pets, Yo Gabba Gabba, Blue’s Clues, Ni Hao Kai-Lan
Run time:  144 minutes
DVD distributor:  Paramount Home Entertainment

     Nickelodeon Go Green! comes out March 23rd from Paramount Home Entertainment.  It features an episode of Dora The Explorer where Dora teaches kids to program their thermostat and build a rooftop solar panel.  Then Go Diego Go installs a low-flow shower head and an energy-efficient toilet with a bidet.  Then the Wonder Pets make sure no one is buying bottled water, Yo Gabba Gabba start a compost heap with their fur after haircuts, Blue’s Clues sets up all their bills to arrive online instead of on paper, and they pay all those bills online.  And Ni Hao, Kai-Lan touts the merits of biking and public transportation over use of the car.

     OK, I’m joking.  Entirely.  Really, Dora looks at some bugs.  Diego rides a manatee.  Yo Gabba Gabba waters a flower.  And Kai-Lan helps bugs build a fruit stand.  The only two episodes with any semblance of a connection to actually “going green” involve the Wonder Pets saving a tree in a city lot, and Blue building some stuff out of “recycled” things.  That’s about it.  There is really no overarching environmental theme to this whole thing.  It’s just a cheesy, feel-good tag line to sell a DVD.  Don’t bother.  Well, if you care about the green aspect.  If all you want is Dora and Diego and so forth, then do what you like.

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Year:  2009
Genre:  Kids, Comedy, TV series
Country:  United States
Language:  English
Starring:  Miranda Cosgrove, Nathan Kress, Jennette McCurdy, Jerry Trainor, Victoria Justice
Director:  Steve Hoefer
Run time:  139 minutes
DVD distributor:  Paramount Home Entertainment

     The DVD cover of iCarly: iFight Shelby Marx claims that this is “the most hilarious fight in TV history”.  That is one of the most false statements I have ever seen written down.  After all, the most hilarious fight in TV history is clearly the one between Elaine and George’s father on Seinfeld.  Or maybe Peter and the giant chicken on Family Guy.  Or Mia Kirshner and her girlfriend in oil on The L Word.  No wait.  That one wasn’t funny.  But it was sure worth watching.

     The actual FIGHT between Carly and Shelby Marx is not very funny at all.  But the made-for-TV movie IS rather funny, overall.  Despite it’s rather disturbing message to young girls about the glory of mixed martial arts.  You see, Carly meets Shelby Marx (Victoria Justice), who is the Best Female MMA Fighter In The World.  And she is fifteen.  Never do we find out how Shelby’s parents allowed her, at the age of fifteen, to step into the Mixed Martial Arts octagon against brutal professional fighters.

     And of course, when Carly is to fight an exhibition against this killer teenager (who also happens to be remarkably hot for a cage fighter - and way too hot for a fifteen year old), no one raises any objections about really young kids watching, attending or even participating in a bare-knuckle no-holds-barred brawl until one of them is, presumably, unconscious or taps out.  Of course, by the time the actual fight takes place, they cop out.  And no one is knocked unconscious.  Or forced into a submission hold.

     In fact, the fight itself is the worst part of this entire DVD.  Carly uses a strategy that would never, ever work in a real martial arts match.  I could fight George St. Pierre, and if he attempted to do what she is doing, I could knock him out with relative ease.  But it doesn’t matter.  Because I still like iCarly, and I still like the girls, and I think this show is funny and charming and the actresses are wonderful, including the one playing Shelby.

     There are two TV movies on the DVD.  One is the Shelby Marx fight, the other is called iDate A Bad Boy, where Carly dates…a bad boy.  And perpetuates every obnoxious and irritating stereotype anyone has ever had about teenage girls.  But the actresses are still pretty good.  Then there’s another episode involving mixed martial arts for some reason.  In THIS one, the reasonable adults actually disapprove of the children being involved with mixed martial arts.  And the MMA fighters are nutty crazy violent savage criminals.  Weird, eh?

     Then there’s an episode where Carly and Sam give out the iCarly awards for a series of fairly random and obvious youtube type videos.  None of the episodes or mini-movies are really any good.  The plots are silly and badly thought out, the dialogue is mostly inane and irritating, and at best, the subject matter might cause worry for the parents of the very young children who are obviously the audience for this stuff.  But I just like Miranda Cosgrove, Jennette McCurdy, Nathan Kress and the aptly-named Victoria Justice so much that I don’t care.

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Years:  2009
Genre:  Comedy, Stand-up
Country:  United States
Language:  English
Starring:  Joe Rogan
Run time:   68 minutes
DVD distributor:  Paramount Home Entertainment

     Joe Rogan is an odd fellow.  He’s like a hippie, granola-eating softy on the one hand, but on the other hand he’s a tough-guy workout freak man’s man who likes his MMA and hates Dr. Phil and enjoys masturbating.  The nice thing is, most of it works.  His take on Dr. Phil and pleasuring oneself is hilarious - especially his name-drop of Ron Jeremy.  I would go further and tell you what Rogan says about Ron Jeremy, and how important cheeseburgers are to the man, but I could possibly be fired for doing so.  So watch the DVD.

     Joe Rogan: Talking Monkeys In Space is 68 minutes worth of stand-up from a very funny man, and it comes out March 23rd from Paramount Home Entertainment.  Well.  That’s not entirely true.  It’s about 40 minutes of very funny stand-up.  Then it’s about a half hour of questions from the audience, which is a portion of the DVD that verges on terrible.  It’s not really Rogan’s fault.  He has some funny lines in answering the audience questions, but most of the questions are irritating, lame or offensive.  Or really really boring.  I could very much have done without that.

     The DVD comes with a number of worthwhile special features as well, especially the ones where Rogan is hanging out with other comics.  Their banter is not so much hilarious as it is fascinating.  They seem to be having a good time on the road together.  I must admit to a bit of surprise here that Rogan appears to be a pretty chill, pretty nice guy.  I am familiar with him almost entirely from Fear Factor and MMA fights, and of course Newsradio, and the impression I got was that Rogan was kind of a meathead dink.

     But he isn’t.  In fact, he’s a lot like me, I think.  You know, if I was into mind-altering drugs and aerobic excercise.  Were I a user of psychotropic drugs, I would rush right out and find the one particular one that he advocates - but since of course I am not, I have already forgotten what it was.  You’ll have to buy the DVD.  Whether you’re into drugs or not, however, or MMA or Fear Factor or any number of other reasons to want to watch Joe Rogan do anything, I advocate picking up this DVD.  Simply because it’s very funny.  What more could you want?

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  Pick of the week:  Good Hair - Chris Rock is hilarious as he looks behind the scenes at a hair competition, and exposes the lengths (no pun intended) to which black women go to make their hair look perfect.  Really fascinating stuff.

  TV pick of the week:  South Park Season 13 - South Park doesn’t care about anything or anyone.  It just wants to be funny.  It succeeds, with episodes taking on the Jonas Brothers, Glenn Beck and Whale Wars.

  Kids pick of the week:  Spongebob Squarepants: Spongebob’s Last Stand - All Spongebob is good Spongebob.  Even if it smacks of lame TV sitcoms like Yes Dear.

  Blu-Ray pick of the week:  The Wizard of Oz - Of course, when a classic like this comes to Blu-Ray, you ought to pick it up.

  The Uncles - Canadian movie from 2001 about two brothers and their handicapped sister.  Could have been a lot better, but it’s sweet and decent.

  Hawaii Five-O Season Eight - I’m really sick of supervillain Wo Fat.  Other than that, this show is still highly entertaining in a campy, dated sort of way.

  Also out on DVD this week:

Ninja Assassin
Did You Hear About The Morgans
The Princess and the Frog
Armored
The Fourth Kind
Broken Embraces
Bandslam
Command Performance
Order of Chaos
The Sicilian Girl
Wonderful World

  On Blu-Ray this week:

The Princess And The Frog
Ninja Assassin
Breaking Bad Complete Second Season
Did You Hear About The Morgans?
The Fourth Kind
Broken Embraces
Armored
Astro Boy
The White Stripes: Under Great Northern Lights
South Park Complete Thirteenth Season
Breaking Bad: Complete First Season
Fallen Angels
Yanni Live! The Concert Event
The Wizard of Oz
Gunslinger Girl Season One
Gunslinger Girl: Il Teatrino
Paris
Clash of the Gods Season One
Suicide Girls: Guide to Living
Wonderful World
Unrivaled
Vengeange Trilogy
Brief Interviews with Hideous Men

  On DVD next week:

The Twilight Saga: New Moon
The Blind Side
The Men Who Stare At Goats
Brothers
Fantastic Mr. Fox
Everybody’s Fine
Damage
Mad Men Season Three
Drool
Loft
Ready or Not
Twilight in Forks: The Saga of a Real Town

  On Blu-Ray next week:

The Twilight Saga: New Moon
Van’s Warped Tour: 15th Anniversary Celebration
The Blind Side
Toy Story
Toy Story 2
Fantastic Mr. Fox
Mad Men Season Three
The African Queen
The Men Who Stare At Goats
Brothers
Days of Heaven
Yojimbo / Sanjuro 2-pack
Yojimbo
Sanjuro
Bigger Than Life
Spring 1941
Trinity Blood: The Complete Series
Free Willy 4: Escape From Pirate’s Cove
Smokin’ Aces / Smokin’ Aces 2 2-pack
Phantom Punch
Nabari No Ou: The Complete Series, Part 1 (which doesn’t exactly make it the complete series, does it?)
Alter Bridge: Live from Amsterdam

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Year:  2001
Genre:  Comedy, Drama
Country:  Canada
Language:  English
Starring:  Chris Owens, Dino Tavarone, Nicola Lipman, Deborah Grover, Alan Van Sprang
Director:  Jim Allodi
Run time:  94 minutes
DVD distributor:  Alliance Films

     The Uncles is a Canadian movie from 2001 that’s just now coming to DVD.  I’m glad it’s out there, because it’s charming and sweet and enjoyable.  I just wish it was better.  Because it seems like the kind of movie that could be really really good.  It’s just halfway there right now.

     It’s the story of a couple of brothers.  One is having an affair with his boss’s daughter in law.  The other plays soccer and goes to university.  And they have a brain-damaged sister who keeps stealing babies from peoples backyards.  It’s a nice story about a nice family and the actors are good and it’s all very nice.  But if this movie was willing to be a little less nice, it could be absolutely fabulous.

     For example, there is a story line where the brothers realize that their sister, who has been handicapped by an accident, just really needs a baby.  They think that she will eventually sleep with someone, not really realizing what she’s doing, and get a baby one way or another.  And they decide it might be best if they pick the guy with whom she will have that baby.  This could be a hilarious, or it could be very serious and thought-provoking, but it isn’t.  Like the rest of this movie, it’s just kinda…nice.

     The moral dilemma this presents could be really interesting, if more was made of it - you want to pick out a guy with great genetics to impregnate your sister.  But how are you going to find a great guy to impregnate your sister when by the very nature of the thing - having sex with a handicapped woman - means that the person who is willing to have sex with the handicapped woman must, almost by definition, not be a great guy.  Also, are they looking to give their sister a baby because she so obviously wants one desperately, or because it will make their life easier because they won’t have to chase down the neighbours’ missing children?

     All these moral dilemmas could be played for laughs, or they could be very serious and deep.  Instead, The Uncles cops out - wait until you see the end of the movie, you’ll understand why I say “cop out”.  I won’t give away the end of the film, because I do hope people watch.  Because it’s Canadian, and it’s sweet, and it’s nice.  And it’s fairly good.  It just isn’t great, and it could have been.  The Uncles comes out March 16th from Alliance Films.

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Years:  1975, 1976
Genre:  TV series, Cop, Drama
Country:  United States
Language:  English
Starring:  Jack Lord, James MacArthur, Kam Fong, Al Harrington
Guest stars:  Susan Dey, George Takei, Pat Hingle, Helen Hayes, Charles Durning, Ed Asner, Lew Ayres
Creator:  Leonard Freeman
Run time:  20 hours 9 minutes
DVD distributor:  Paramount Home Entertainment

     I still enjoy Hawaii Five-O.  After watching eight seasons worth (season 8 comes out March 16th from Paramount Home Entertainment), the show has grown on me more and more.  Except for one thing.  Wo Fat.  This is a show that really does NOT need a supervillain.  The Wo Fat episodes are totally useless.  And stupid.  Steve McGarrett is cool, and he makes badass statements that are cheesily fun in their overly dramatic nature.  And he makes these bizarre leaps in logic that only a Superinvestigator could make.  Which is also cheesily fun.

     But when Wo Fat enters the picture, giving McGarrett a Supervillain foil, McGarrett stops being a cool-ass police detective, and becomes a Superhero.  For example, the first episode of Season Eight sees Wo Fat building an entire hospital as a front.  Then he accepts a bunch of patients in that hospital so no one clues in to his real motive - stealing military secrets.  You see, he has kidnapped a woman whose husband is a high-ranking military official…

     He has also created an elaborate ruse where everyone believes the woman has been injured in a car crash and is in a coma in this fake hospital.  Which functions as a real hospital.  But in fact, he is just keeping her sedated, so the husband will go see her in that hospital, and when he gets there Wo Fat and his cronies can brainwash him on a regular basis and get him to turn over military secrets to them.  Seriously.  That’s Wo Fat’s plot.  I’m not sure he’s a supervillain, so much as a complete idiot with way too much money to waste.

     But of course, the only one who can decipher this elaborate plot is Steve McGarrett.  Because only he speaks Bad Guy Rich Moron Spy.  And immediately, he says “this can be only one guy - Wo Fat!”  And of course it is.  But Wo Fat isn’t even in the episode.  He shows up for a total of like twelve seconds, so he can chortle and tent his fingers and stroke his moustache and do other Supervillain things.  But really he’s just there to say “yes, it’s me.  Wo Fat.  I’m evil.”  And then he’s gone.

     The rest of the show is great - McGarrett is cheesy, there are babes and Hawaiian scenery, and it’s a lot of fun.  But by the eighth season, Wo Fat has run his course.  I’m certain he will be there until the end though, because he and McGarrett need to have their One Final Confrontation.  Which I assume will take place on a rooftop in the rain and involve a couple of laser-shooting battling robots and a number of burly, brainwashed mind-controlled henchmen.

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Year:  2009
Genre:  Kids, Cartoon, TV series
Country:  United States
Language:  English
Starring:  Bill Fagerbakke, Carolyn Lawrence, Clancy Brown
Director:  Paul Tibbitt
Run time:  88 minutes
DVD distributor:  Paramount Home Entertainment

     I got really frustrated watching this DVD of Spongebob.  Every single episode seemed to be a cop-out.  Like, they were all recycled sitcom plots as old as I Love Lucy.  The title episode sees Spongebob and Patrick trying to stop the construction of a massive highway that threatens the jellyfish fields in which they frolic together in an ambiguously homosexual fashion.  Which really smacks of “after-school special” to me - save the community centre!  Protect the neighbourhood from evil developers!

     Then there’s the episode where Spongebob makes plans with three different people at the same time.  And he has to rush from Mr. Krabs to Patrick to Sandy Squirrel so each of them thinks that he is at their place.  Hahaha…I can just see Lucille Ball doing that…or the episode where Spongebob is left in charge of the Krusty Krab, and of course Squidward tricks him into destroying the place in his fifteen minutes of management.  Then they get locked in a toy store for the night.  And Spongebob has to find people to adopt his worm babies.

     Maybe the only plot line that doesn’t smack of sitcoms since 1950 is the one where Patrick wants a uniform work hat, so he gets a job entertaining people at the Krusty Krab.  The hat makes him unable to stand properly, so he entertains the masses by simply falling over, while Spongebob worries that he might be suffering brain damage.  I can’t see Lucille Ball or Frasier Crane or Rose from Golden Girls doing that.  Well…maybe Rose. 

     All that being said, I still love Spongebob.  And although I rolled my eyes with the beginning of every single episode on this disc, I enjoyed it anyway.  That yellow square sponge kicks ass.  Spongebob’s Last Stand comes to DVD March 16th from Paramount Home Entertainment.

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Year:  2009
Genre:  Comedy, Cartoon, TV series
Country:  United States
Language:  English
Starring:  Trey Parker, Matt Stone
Creators:  Trey Parker, Matt Stone
Blu-Ray distributor:  Paramount Home Entertainment

     There are, as there always are, some magnificent episodes in South Park Season 13, out March 16th from Paramount Home Entertainment.  The best one is the Jonas Brothers episode, where the South Park gang makes fun of the Disney corporation.  They actually go pretty easy on the Jonas Brothers themselves, and save their scathing satire for Disney (as represented by Mickey Mouse).  It’s a really insightful episode that explains how the Jonas Brothers sell sex to little girls while using their “purity rings” to make parents feel safe about the whole thing.  Brilliant.

     When I got to the episode about the Japanese slaughter of whales and dolphins, I was pleased.  This is an issue I care deeply about, and any exposure of the problem is a good thing.  Much of the show, however, focuses on Paul Watson and the crew on the show Whale Wars.  Stan takes over command of the Sea Shepherd ship because Watson and the crew are ineffective wieners, and starts to sink Japanese ships and makes the show a massive hit.  Then they have to fight the crew of the Deadliest Catch boat.

     At first, I was a little put off.  Yes, on the one hand, they were calling a little bit of attention to the plight of cetaceans the world over at the hands of the Japanese.  But on the other hand, they seemed to be using the entire episode to call Paul Watson a douchebag.  And I thought - do you even care about the whales and dolphins?  And then I realized - no, they don’t.  They don’t really care about anything at all.  This is just another chance to make a satirical observation about something in pop culture.

     And I think that’s OK.  South Park is entirely without real opinions.  They have an episode where Cartman becomes Glenn Beck for a while.  But they don’t hate Glenn Beck, specifically, and they aren’t trying to call him out for being a dangerous wingnut windbag.  No, they just think he’s ripe for satire, and he’s an easy target, and South Park thinks everyone in the world is a douchebag.  Frankly, from a personal perspective, I would prefer a show that actually takes a stand on major issues, instead of maintaining a tone of apathetic irreverance at all times.  But that show wouldn’t be South Park, and it probably wouldn’t be nearly as funny.

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  Pick of the week:  Capitalism: A Love Story - Michael Moore’s best filmyet.  A truly tragic tale of greed, corruption and sociopathic corporate behaviour.

  Oscar nominee of the week:  Up In The Air - A magnificent movie where George Clooney and Vera Farmiga shine brightly.  Review coming soon.

  Hurricane Season - Forest Whitaker stars in the story of a basketball team formed in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina.  It’s sadly pretty meh.  Review coming soon.

  Walker: Texas Ranger Season Seven - This show is so awful.  So VERY awful.  But sometimes that’s really entertaining.

  Planet 51 - Cute, but mostly vapid and empty.  The kids may like it, there are a few sci-fi references for adults, but it just isn’t very good.  Review coming soon.

  Precious - Heartbreaking movie.  Some stellar performances.  And Mariah Carey, somehow, looks better without makeup.  Review coming soon.

Also out this week:

Old Dogs
Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day
Hachi: A dog`s Tale
Barbie In A Mermaid Tale
Good Intentions
Magic Man
Service
Hannah Montana: Miley Says GoodbyeÉ
Nine Dead
The Stoning of Soraya M.

  On Blu-Ray this week:

The Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day
Up In The Air
Precious
Old Dogs
Planet 51
Ninja
The Fourth Kind
Super Bowl Champions: New Orleans Saints
Hachi: A Dog`s Tale
Capitalism: A Love Story
The Stoning of Soraya M.
UFC: The Best of 2009
Glacier National Park
JCVD / Exit Speed
The Last Shangri-La
Creatures of the Thaw
Midnight Movie / Killer Movie

  On DVD next week:

Ninja Assassin
Did You Hear About The Morgans
The Princess and the Frog
Armored
The Fourth Kind
Broken Embraces
Bandslam
Command Performance
Good Hair
Order of Chaos
The Sicilian Girl
Wonderful World
Spongebob Squarepants: Spongebob’s Last Stand
South Park Season 13
Hawaii Five-O Season Eight

  On Blu-Ray next week:

The Princess And The Frog
Ninja Assassin
Breaking Bad Complete Second Season
Did You Hear About The Morgans?
The Fourth Kind
Broken Embraces
Armored
Astro Boy
The White Stripes: Under Great Northern Lights
South Park Complete 13th Season
Breaking Bad: Complete First Season
Fallen Angels
Yanni Live! The Concert Event
The Wizard of Oz
Gunslinger Girl Season One
Gunslinger Girl: Il Teatrino
Paris
Clash of the Gods Season One
Suicide Girls: Guide to Living
Wonderful World
Unrivaled
Vengeange Trilogy
Brief Interviews with Hideous Men

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Year:  2000
Genre:  TV series, Drama
Country:  United States
Language:  English
Starring:  Chuck Norris, Clarence Gilyard Jr, Nia Peeples, Sheree J. Wilson, Judson Mills
Guest Stars:  Mark Cuban, Sammo Hung, Tom Bosley, Ernest Borgnine, Michael Ironside, Dionne Warwick
Creator:  Paul Haggis
DVD distributor:  Paramount Home Entertainment

     I put the theme song for Walker, Texas Ranger up top because it is, I firmly believe, the greatest theme song in the history of television.  With the possible exception of the theme from Greatest American Hero.  I mean, really.  What is this all about?  “In the eyes of a Ranger…the unsuspecting stranger…had better know the truth of wrong from right”.  First of all, I think that’s actually Chuck Norris “singing”.  I didn’t bother checking because I don’t care.  And I don’t care because whether it is or is not Chuck Norris, it’s still hilariously dumb. 

     So…what I have gleaned so far is that as far as the Ranger (that’s obviously capitalized) is concerned, any “stranger” who walks into his neighbourhood had better instinctively understand the Ranger’s code of ethics, or he will get a very swift roundhouse kick to the back of the head.  How much more “unsuspecting” could a “stranger” be?  I don’t know.  And what, exactly, IS a stranger in Texas?  I could be going out on a crazy limb here, but I’m gonna say it could be someone who is different.  Like, not white.  More on that later.  More theme song first.

     “Cause the eyes of the Ranger are upon you…any wrong you do he’s gonna see…when you’re in Texas look behind you…’cause that’s where the Ranger’s gonna be”.  Okay.  So, The Ranger is like Santa Claus.  He knows when you’re being naughty, and he knows when you’re being nice.  Or maybe just naughty.  And he knows because he is always behind you.  Because now you’re in Texas.  And you’re a “stranger”.  And anyone who isn’t a Texas regular will be followed around by a Ranger, just out of sight, who will then spring into action, ninja-esque, right behind you when you…jaywalk…or spit on the sidewalk…or smuggle guns.  Whatever it may be.

     Frankly, if I wasn’t already a little afraid of pistol-packing Texas, then Walker, Texas Ranger is absolutely the worst public relations the Texas tourism board could imagine.  I  would never want to go to this state.  First of all, it’s basically a lawless frontier state, from what I gather.  When Texas Rangers go to arrest a man, or a few men, just showing them their badges and saying “we’re here to arrest you” isn’t enough.  Even if the culprit is just the owner of a sushi restaurant, who passed an envelope from one guy to another, he will automatically drop everything he’s doing and fight the cops.

     So first off, it is clear to me that everyone in Texas fights cops.  Everyone.  And that there are only seven people in the whole state with respect for the law, all of whom are family members of the cops.  Thank goodness that Walker guy has those karate skills!  Otherwise, he would be dead several times over.  As his partner says in season 8, “he’s been shot (clip of him being shot), his car’s been blown up (clip of explosion), he’s jumped from ONE hot air balloon to ANOTHER (clip of that event), and…I can’t remember where I was going with this.  Then again, neither could his partner in that particular episode.  Just an excuse to show clips, I guess.

     The scariest thing about Texas, apparently, is that this disregard for the law is so usual.  Every time the Rangers close in on their man, the bad guys decide to kill the Rangers.  Because that’s the first thing bad guys would think.  Let’s kill all the cops.  That will make our lives much easier.  In one episode, a white supremacist group murders a black judge.  And the Rangers aren’t even concerned about it.  They barely bat an eye, and I don’t think the execution of the judge is even brought up again in the episode.  Because killing judges is just like killing cops.  In Texas, it’s just a Tuesday.

     The most frightening thing about Texas, however, is a vibe I get from this show.  It’s the same vibe I get when I hear people say “I’m not racist, but…”  You know that guy.  The one who says “don’t get me wrong - I have lots of black friends” and the like.  Every time I hear that guy say that, I cringe.  And I brace myself for the awful statement that’s about to come.  This is the vibe I get from Walker.  The awful statement never comes, but the show is constantly saying to me “I have lots of black friends!  I like Chinese people!  We are all the same under the skin, and I firmly believe that!”  It smacks of effort, which creeps me out.

     For example, any episode involving a Vietnamese gang must also involve some Vietnamese people who are Good, and Decent, in a Saintly way.  One of them is a young frightened computer genius boy.  One is a wise martial arts expert grandfather.  And one, of course, is a dead cop.  Because it’s Wednesday.  And of course the grandfather is a martial arts expert.  After all, he’s Asian.  There is also a Chinese martial arts expert (Sammo Hung).  Walker has to make a point of saying that this guy is tough (as though his peers would find it hard to believe that a Chinese guy is tough) and that “I’m just glad he’s on our side”.

     And an inordinate amount of the episodes involve white supremacist groups, homegrown terrorists and other all-white evildoers.  Either Texas is just full of scary racists, and the Rangers are the only thing standing between them and ethnic cleansing, or the Rangers have been instilled with a spirit of political correctness that makes it easier for them to go after the crazy militia types.

     That being said, it’s just a creepy vibe, and I may be a little too sensitive about the whole thing.  After all, Walker (Chuck Norris) is a flawed human being.  I know this because the show makes sure to point out that although he has Santa-and-Jesus-like qualities, he is nervous about his wedding.  Some things DO scare Walker!  Hahaha…this is supposed to be the comic relief in Season Seven (out March 9th from Paramount Home Entertainment). 

     The season actually ends with that wedding.  Anyone willing to take bets that the wedding will be overrun by an all-star team of international terrorists?  No?  I’m not going to tell you.  You’ll have to watch Season Seven to find out…or you can just assume that it will happen, and that Walker will get the opportunity to kick more asses.

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  Pick of the week:  No Country For Old Men / Gone Baby Gone double feature - Two of the absolute best movies of the past ten years together on one bargain-priced disc from Alliance Films.

  Blu-Ray pick of the week:  The Kids Are Alright - Maybe the greatest rock movie documentary of all time, The Who destroy drums and eardrums and prove they are the greatest rock and roll act of all time. 

  Matlock Season Four - Andy Griffith was awesome.  So was Matlock!  Maaaaaaaatlock!

  All Hell Broke Loose - David Carradine is, for some reason, involved in this movie which I think might have been made as a high school film project.

  Good Will Hunting / Rounders double feature - bargain priced DVD with two great Matt Damon movies.

  Milk / Brokeback Mountain double feature - Two good movies - Milk is great, Brokeback Mountain is over-rated.

  Also out on DVD this week: 

2012
Where The Wild Things Are
Gentlemen Broncos
Ponyo
Curious George 2: Follow That Monkey
Welcome
The Private Lives of Pippa Lee
Mr. Right
Strawberry Shortcake: The Berryfest Princess Movie

  On Blu-Ray this week:

2012
Ponyo
Where The Wild Things Are
Clash of the Titans
The Neverending Story
Alice
Eureka Seven: Good Night, Sleep Tight Young Lovers
Gentlemen Broncos
The Who: The Kids Are Alright
The Private Lives of Pippa Lee
Kurokami: The Animation Vol. 1
Wild Australia IMAX

  On DVD next week:

Up In The Air
Old Dogs
Precious
Planet 51
Capitalism: A Love Story
Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day
Hachi: A dog`s Tale
Hurricane Season
Barbie In A Mermaid Tale
Good Intentions
Magic Man
Service
Hannah Montana: Miley Says GoodbyeÉ
Nine Dead
The Stoning of Soraya M.

  On Blu-Ray next week:

The Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day
Up In The Air
Precious
Old Dogs
Planet 51
Ninja
The Fourth Kind
Super Bowl Champions: New Orleans Saints
Hachi: A Dog`s Tale
Capitalism: A Love Story
The Stoning of Soraya M.
UFC: The Best of 2009
Glacier National Park
JCVD / Exit Speed
The Last Shangri-La
Creatures of the Thaw
Midnight Movie / Killer Movie

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Year:  1989, 1990
Genre:  TV series, Drama
Country:  United States
Language:  English
Starring:  Andy Griffith, Clarence Gilyard Jr., Nancy Stafford, Don Knotts, Julie Sommars
Creator:  Dean Hargrove
DVD distributor:  Paramount Home Entertainment

     I remember watching Matlock in the 80s with my mom, who watched the show evern though she was not yet in her 90s.  I remember thinking that Michelle (Nancy Stafford) was crazy hot, and that Andy Griffith had an effortless and entertaining Southern charm, and that in Season Four, and that Conrad (Clarence Gilyard, Jr.) was an improvement as an investigator over Tyler (Kene Holliday).  Upon revisiting the show, I now think that Nancy Stafford was indeed hot, but in an 80s sort of retro way.

     I still think that Gilyard was a mild upgrade over Holliday.  Tyler was far more badass, and obviously tougher and grittier and more resourceful, but Conrad is far more charming and likeable.  I still think that Matlock (Andy Griffith, of course) has effortless and entertaining southern charm.  He likes his hot dogs, you see.  And his gittar pickin’, and his…I dunno…cornbread.  Or whatever else people like in the South.

     The first episode of Season four, “The Hunting Party”, is all about a guy who wants to avenge the murder of his brother during a “hunting accident”.  It introduces us to Conrad, who will become Matlock’s assistant and investigator later in the same episode.  It isn’t nearly as good as the movie The Hunting Party, but then, it’s a Matlock episode.

     On the other hand, the episode entitled “The Ex” is far better than the movie The Ex starring Zach Braff.  Cause that movie sucked, and this episode is all about Matlock being jealous of the ex-husband of his sort-of girlfriend-maybe Julie (Julie Sommars).  Also included in Season Four are “The Fugitive” (movie’s better), “The Prisoner” (TV series is better), and “The Cookie Monster” (the muppet is better).  There are many things that are better than Matlock.  But I’ll watch every episode of this totally entertaining show anyway.

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Year:  2009
Genre:  Action, Western
Country:  United States
Language:  English
Starring:  David Carradine, Jerry Chesser, Jim Hilton
Director:  Christopher Forbes
Run time:  94 minutes
DVD distributor:  Alliance Films

     I’m almost at a loss for words when it comes to All Hell Broke Loose.  The movie is…virtually indescribable.  It looks like it was shot with a camcorder from 1994.  I suspect that this was a movie some guy decided to make, and then he grabbed a nine dollar camcorder, asked a bunch of his friends to be in his movie, (preference being given to those friends he had who owned their own cowboy hats), then he hammered out a script in a couple of hours and just started shooting.  When the shooting was done, he ran back to his computer and spent four hours editing, then quickly put the movie on DVD, if only because it was too long for youtube.

     Somehow, director Christopher Forbes managed to acquire a legitimate actor - David Carradine - to appear in the film.  Carradine, as the only name actor, gets top billing and gets his picture on the cover of the DVD, even though he spends about ninety seconds, total, on screen.  I can only assume that it was his involvement alone that got this movie distributed (by Alliance Films, out March 2nd).  And I can only assume that shortly before his untimely demise, Carradine managed somehow to get himself deeply indebted to Christopher Forbes.

     This movie reminds me a lot of another DVD I once purchased, called Need To Feed.  It was a horror movie some high school kids in Ottawa made as their final school project, and it was sold on consignment at a few local record stores as a favour to those kids.  In watching that movie, I noticed a few things that really separate first-time efforts with a camcorder from the rest of the movie world.  It’s mostly editing.  In movies like Need To Feed and All Hell Broke Loose, characters don’t really have dialogue.  They speak one at a time.  The camera sits on one face as he says a line, then there is a little gap and the camera jumps to the face of the other guy as he says his line.

     It’s that kind of thing that makes movies like this one unwatchable for most people.  Oh, there are other problems with this film - many, many, many, many other problems.  The star of the film, Jim Hilton, is actually a pretty interesting actor who might be good.  In a halfway competent movie.  Hilton reminds me a lot of Canadian actor Callum Keith Rennie.  He plays Will Drayton, a former sharpshooter in the Civil War who gets hired by some bad guys to do some bad things.  I think.

     The problem is that although Hilton is clearly the best actor in the movie, and he has a pretty ideal deep voice and tough-guy look for a western, he is given some truly awful lines.  “I probably couldn’t hit the blue side of a red barn now” and so forth.  He does strange, inexplicable things, like warning the elderly proprietor of a trading post that he is about to get robbed.  How does he know that?  Why would he say that?  We never know, nor do we ever care.

     I realize that naming Hilton the best actor in this movie is a little odd.  After all, there is a name actor in the cast, Carradine.  But he is simply awful in this movie, saddled with the same silly lines as Hilton “I remember when you shot a man down in the street.  For nothing more.  Than a pocketful.  Of silver.”  It’s just terrible.  The women who are supposed to be hot are just middle-aged regular women.  Nothing against having regular, middle-aged women in a movie.  But don’t pretend they’re uber-babes.

     Anyone who is familiar with the works of Ed Wood, or with the movie Ed Wood, will remember that bizarrely, Wood managed to get Bela Lugosi to appear in his no-budget, awful films.  Lugosi was a drug addict and a mess, and he would take any work offered him because of his many problems.  That’s all I could think of as I watched Carradine in this youtube-calibre home movie.  What was going on with him that he agreed to do this?

     Since his career resurrection in Tarantino’s Kill Bill in 2004, Carradine has appeared in 38 movies.  Almost without exception, they have been absolutely awful.  Epic Movie, Big Stan, the list goes on and on.  At least eleven of those movies have come out on DVD since his untimely death.  I’m not saying the man had a legacy that would be up there with Brando and Dean.  Or even that of Bela Lugosi.  But surely he deserves better than this to stand as his last work.

     Oh, one more thing - the director’s commentary, which is a special feature on the disc, indicates that there will be a sequel to this movie.  It’s alluded to during a really bizarre scene where a long story gets told about a missing daughter who may still be alive and even though Will himself couldn’t find her after an obsessive search, the bad guys surely would find her, now that they have it in for him for some reason, and they would kill her.  Somehow.  Just putting this out there - a sequel to this movie?  Not a good idea.  OK?

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Year:  2007
Genre:  Drama, Thriller
Country:  United States
Language:  English
Starring:  Josh Brolin, Tommy Lee Jones, Javier Bardem, Woody Harrelson, Kelly MacDonald, Garret Dillahunt, Stephen Root
Director:  Joel Coen, Ethan Coen, Coen Brothers
Run time:  122 minutes
DVD distributor:  Alliance Films

     The Coen Brothers had collaborated on twelve films in their illustrious career before No Country For Old Men.  There had been some interesting misses, like The Ladykillers, and some terrific movies like The Big Lebowski.  And there have been three absolute classics.  They are Miller’s Crossing, Fargo, and now No Country For Old Men.  This is an absolutely brilliant film, taken very literally from Cormac McCarthy’s absolutely brilliant novel.  This may well be the best movie the Coens have done, and that’s saying a lot - Fargo was the best film of the 1990s

     Tommy Lee Jones plays sheriff Ed Tom Bell, at the centre of the film, who is long on wisdom but short on solutions.  Javier Bardem gives one of the creepiest performances in recent memory as a maniacal killer named Anton Chigurh.  His performance in this movie is as scary as any turned in by the other masters of the creepy of this generation - the Christopher Walkens and John Malkoviches of the world.  Josh Brolin is Llewellyn Moss, the “main character” in the movie.  You know, if one could consider any character in this movie a “main” one.  He’s just a man who stumbles across the aftermath of a bloody shootout in the desert.  He finds massive amounts of heroin, which he leaves there, dozens of guns, some of which he takes, and two million dollars.  He takes all of that. 

     This is what sets off the chain of events that are the plot of the movie.  But this film is not really about any of those characters.  This movie is about No Country For Old Men.  That is, it is about the country.  The end of the country and world that we all know, and the presentation to us of a world that is completely alien to us.  You could call the film a western, in that it takes place in the west.  You could call it a thriller, a black comedy, or even a horror movie.  But it can’t be pigeonholed into a genre.

     No Country For Old Men is bleak, entertaining, and virtually flawless.  Cormac McCarthy wrote a tremendous novel, which was translated into a brilliant screenplay, which was then transformed into an absolute genius movie.  To say something is as good as Fargo is something I might have considered ridiculous five years ago.  No Country For Old Men is as good as Fargo.  And therefore it is better than any other movie of the past ten years.  Rent it, buy it, whatever.  Just do it now.

Year:  2007
Genre:  Drama, Thriller
Country:  United States
Language:  English
Starring:  Casey Affleck, Michelle Monaghan, Amy Ryan, Morgan Freeman, Ed Harris, John Ashton, Titus Welliver
Director:  Ben Affleck
Run time:  115 minutes
DVD distributor:  Alliance Films

     Until now, I was convinced that Ben Affleck wouldn’t know a good script if it walked up to him and kicked him in the stones. Now, I am not so sure. Either he just doesn’t care, as long as he’s acting, or he is such a bad actor that he will ruin any script by himself. But there is a third option. Perhaps the script to Gone Baby Gone not only walked up to him and kicked him in the stones, it also bit him in the face, chewed off part of his nose, ripped out his nipple ring, stabbed him twice and then gave him the people’s elbow.

     Or maybe it’s a combination, because Ben Affleck’s wisest decision as a director in Gone Baby Gone was not to cast Ben Affleck in any role in his movie. How many directors can competently direct themselves? Clint Eastwood and…yeah. Maybe just Clint. So that was good decision number one. A questionable decision was to cast his younger brother Casey in the starring role. Casey Affleck, as far as I was aware, existed only in movies that starred Ben, and even then he played some minor throw-away role. How good could he actually be?

     Well, the answer, it turns out, is VERY good. Casey Affleck plays a private investigator who looks as though he is thirteen. This is great casting, because Casey Affleck does indeed look as though he is thirteen. And when the situation calls for him to act the tough guy, it somehow really works. Not only do we not expect it, neither do the bad guys. And it’s pretty convincing intimidation when this young, babyfaced guy all of a sudden gets Dirty Harry tough. Everyone is taken aback, realistically so. It’s a great job by Affleck of handling the character.

     Somehow, with that Good Will Hunting Boston accent, you get the sense that this guy is a lot tougher than he looks. His wife is played admirably by Michelle Monaghan, an actress who is rising to the top of the heap of late with roles in movies like this one and North Country. The best performance in the movie, however, is turned in by Amy Ryan, who plays the mother of an abducted little girl. She is a coke-head, a drug mule, a drunk, in short, one of the worst mothers imaginable for a sweet young child.

     Affleck and Monaghan are hired by the little girl’s aunt to help find her. They are joined in their pursuit by a pair of cops, played by the excellent Ed Harris and John Ashton, and their search takes them through the seedy underbelly of Boston, dealing with drug dealers (some good and some bad) and general thugs who cause problems at every turn. Every time the movie seems to be reaching a certain conclusion, the script throws a twist into the plot, and all of a sudden Affleck and Monaghan are careening toward a different outcome. By the end of the film, the whole story becomes clear, and there is a final “showdown” that presents a Sophie’s Choice kind of ending, although not nearly so dramatic. This is the only minor quibble I have with the ending.

     The decision reached by the characters, the course of action they choose to take, seems like a massive moral decision that would cause most of us to really wonder what we would do in that situation. But a closer examination of that choice makes it seem obvious that there is really only one choice that could be made there, the choice Affleck eventually does make. I won’t tell you the details, I haven’t really revealed anything here, but you’ll have to watch the movie yourself. It is being released, again, in a bargain package with No Country For Old Men by Alliance Films on Tuesday, and really needs to be watched to be understood. Watch this movie.

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  Good Will Hunting (**********10/10)

Year:  1997
Genre:  Drama
Country:  United States
Language:  English
Starring:  Matt Damon, Ben Affleck, Casey Affleck, Robin Williams, Stellan Skarsgard, Minnie Driver, Cole Hauser, George Plimpton
Director:  Gus Van Sant
Run time:  127 minutes
DVD distributor:  Alliance Films

     Good Will Hunting remains one of my favourite films of all time.  It achieves a stunning balance between drama, romance, comedy and genuine badass intellectualism.  Has there ever been a more badass intellectual scene than the one on the video included in this review?  The writing in this film is remarkable - maybe the best written scene in the whole movie is one between Robin Williams and Stellan Skarsgard at a pub, a scene all about Ted Kaczinski.

     It’s really two things that make this film great.  The writing and the acting.  Matt Damon and Ben Affleck won an Oscar for their screenplay, and there’s no question it was well deserved.  And Damon is flawless in the film as Will Hunting, a young man with incredible intellectual gifts who just doesn’t want to live the life of a professional Brain.  He hangs out with his friends, gets into fights, boozes it up and works menial jobs, partly because that’s all he has ever wanted to do, and also because he is scared to do realize his full potential.

     Soon, he is discovered by a math professor (Skarsgard), who sees in this boy an untapped genius who could change the world.  But he needs, somehow, to get through to the troubled Will.  Enter the other sensational actor in this film, Robin Williams.  He plays a psychiatrist who is entrusted with Hunting, and he’s expected to bring the full potential out of the rebellious kid.  It isn’t an easy task.  But it sure is a fun one to watch.

     Also terrific is Minnie Driver, as the Harvard student love interest who, in her own way, helps Will change his perspective on his gift and on the world.  Good Will Hunting is simply a fabulous movie, and a magnificent addition to any DVD collection.

  Rounders (*******7/10)

Year:  1998
Genre:  Drama
Country:  United States
Language:  English
Starring:  Matt Damon, Edward Norton, John Malkovich, Gretchen Mol, John Turturro, Famke Janssen, Lenny Clarke, Martin Landau
Director:  John Dahl
Run time:  125 minutes
DVD distributor:  Alliance Films

     Coming right on the heels of Good Will Hunting was Rounders, which traded off Matt Damon’s sudden popularity and the fantastic teaming of two incredible young actors - Damon and Norton - to elevate what could have been a rather silly and cheesy B-movie to one that was more than worthwhile.  Yes, there are some silly scenes.  For example, the oreos - anyone think that wasn’t going to factor in the end somehow?

     But Norton and Damon are so good as the compulsive troubled gambler and his poker prodigy buddy that I forget the silliness.  And although John Malkovich, the Ultimate Bad Guy Poker Player, is a bit of a cartoon, he’s such a fun cartoon that it doesn’t matter.  I’ll still enjoy The Cincinnati Kid more as the ultimate poker movie, but I will always hold a soft spot in my heart for Rounders.  As the second-best movie in this double feature, out March 2nd from Alliance Films, Rounders makes this single-disc bargain purchase that much better.  It’s a must.

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