“Sure it smells like pee in the air, but it’s a dry pee.”

“This is the one day of the year we act like jazz doesn’t suck.”

“Hey, my liver is swollen and sensitive to the touch…AWESOME!”

“Actually, the REAL name for Mardi Gras is “Shrove Tuesday. You see, in the Bible…Hey, put me down! Don’t stuff me in that trash can.”

You’re still in therapy from the LAST time you happened to catch a glimpse of Madonna’s hooh hah!

You played a drinking game where you took a shot whenever Chris Collinsworth marveled at Tom Brady’s ‘awareness in the pocket” and died of alcohol poisoning two minutes into the game.

You had a whole DVR full of episodes of  “Say Yes To The Dress” to catch up on.

You wanted to spend time with your family. Kidding! You totally watched it!

“I wish Tim Tebow would take the time to mention Jesus once in a while.”

“Shhh. I think Snooki is finally going to give us her solution for ending the Middle East crisis.”

“Okay Occupy Ottawa protesters..we give up! You can have Confederation Park.”

“Move over, Justin Bieber, Billy Ocean is BACK!”

Men spend approximately 52 per cent more on Christmas presents for their women than women do on men.

Hey, those Sears catalogue iron board covers ain’t cheap you know.

During one of the breaks between songs at the recording of a T.V. special, a sound engineer asked Biebs if he could soundcheck his mic. The reply came back, “No you can’t. This is my stage, I tell YOU what the f**k happens on it.”

Turned out his mic was working fine after all as his little tantrum was broadcast to the studio audience.

Meanwhile, the person who has been following Little Lord Beibster around and annoying him has finally backed off. I suppose Penn State’s Jerry Sandusky had bigger fish to fry.

I would be surprised to see him bed down and join the protest fully, though.

Recently Moore was on a promtional trip in London

He and his wife were flown first class and asked to be put up at the Ritz.

Bosses agreed- he is, after all, a very successful filmaker and entitled to a little luxury now and again-but this wasn’t really in keeping with his “Man Of The People” persona.

Early each morning, he was driven to a markedly more down market three star hotel nearby, which is where he would do his press.

Moore is like the man who murdered both of his parents then pleaded for mercy on grounds he was an orphan.

Bentley’s Oyster Bar
No girl would fail to be impressed with oysters and champagne. This is one of London’s finest restaurants, first opened in 1916 and enjoying its 21st Century revival. Ronnie and his companions can savour the best shellfish aphrodisiac in town. Might save Ronnie and his 57 year old buddy a few bucks on the Viagra!

Things You’d See If Luke Skywalker Was A Senior Citizen.

He’d blow up the Death Star with a single fart.

He would need to use the Force to lift his testicles.

He’d always be plowing his Landspeeder into a crowded farmer’s market.

He’d be standing at his door yelling, “You Ewoks get off my lawn!”

His Jedi robe would be specially tailored to be hiked up to his armpits.

The defensive line psyches itself up before games by watching “The Notebook”.

The pads they wear include shoulder, elbow…and maxi.

They’re sure if they sign Terrell Owens, he won’t be a locker room cancer. Because hey, ninth time is the charm right?

Their helmets feature a lion.

Worst Things About Being Rich.

Neighbours complaining about the smell eminating from your oil moat.

When your first wife, your second wife and your new trophy wife all show up at the country club in the same outfit. AWKWARD!

Losing one of your chinchilla socks in the dryer.

When there’s a baby you want, but for some reason, the mother is being a real jerk about selling it to you.

Housekeepers who forget to take birth control.