Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category
Tuesday, August 7th, 2012
It’s apparently changed quite a bit since Lowell Green was born there.
Tragically, it’s completely devoid of girls who are going wild.
Showing off pictures from the rover at a bar gets you nowwhere with the chicks.
No human will volunteer to go there, on the off chance that when they return, apes will rule the earth.
Angelina Jolie has already put in papers to adopt the first form of life that is found there.
Wednesday, July 25th, 2012
New events for the London Olympics include women’s boxing and mixed doubles in tennis. Those weren’t the only competitions pitched to the IOC.
Top Rejected Olympic Events
Greco Roman Face Eating
One Handed Fred Willard Toss
Cross Country Cross Dressing
Under 18 Synchronized Sewing. (China would DOMINATE)
Monday, June 18th, 2012
If you saw “Rock Of Ages”, you were transported back to the ’80′s. Some of the things we learned from that decade?
Mullets weren’t always confined to carnies and NASCAR fans.
Drew Barrymore wasn’t so annoying when she was a toddler on cocaine.
Attempting to assassinate Ronald Reagan is a GREAT way to impress an actress who’s clearly a lesbian.
Boy George and Bret Michaels could exchange clothing without anybody noticing.
Evidently, that woman sitting next to you on the bus used to be a famous actress named “Molly Ringwald”.
Monday, April 2nd, 2012
Congratulations to the entire Ottawa Senators organization for making the playoffs. It was only a few months ago following a 7-1 pummelling by Colorado that many Leafs fans laughed and dropped the condescending line that “there would be long nights like that one” during the Sens so called “rebuilding” season. Sorry Leafs fans, I can’t hear your chirping anymore. I have two Sens playoff tickets jammed into my ears!
Tuesday, February 21st, 2012
“I can’t believe the screaming, topless girls doing body shots weren’t interested in the riveting story of how I gave up chocolate for Lent.”
“Sure it smells like pee in the air, but it’s a dry pee.”
“This is the one day of the year we act like jazz doesn’t suck.”
“Hey, my liver is swollen and sensitive to the touch…AWESOME!”
“Actually, the REAL name for Mardi Gras is “Shrove Tuesday. You see, in the Bible…Hey, put me down! Don’t stuff me in that trash can.”
Monday, February 6th, 2012
You’re an Oakland Raiders fan, so you were meeting with your parole officer.
You’re still in therapy from the LAST time you happened to catch a glimpse of Madonna’s hooh hah!
You played a drinking game where you took a shot whenever Chris Collinsworth marveled at Tom Brady’s ‘awareness in the pocket” and died of alcohol poisoning two minutes into the game.
You had a whole DVR full of episodes of “Say Yes To The Dress” to catch up on.
You wanted to spend time with your family. Kidding! You totally watched it!
Tuesday, January 3rd, 2012
“Anyone know what I can do with all this excess money I have?”
“I wish Tim Tebow would take the time to mention Jesus once in a while.”
“Shhh. I think Snooki is finally going to give us her solution for ending the Middle East crisis.”
“Okay Occupy Ottawa protesters..we give up! You can have Confederation Park.”
“Move over, Justin Bieber, Billy Ocean is BACK!”
Monday, December 12th, 2011
Men might procrastinate on buying gifts. men might not always buy the perfect thing. And men may not have a reputation for buying THOUGHTFUL Christmas gifts, but dammit…at least men are willing to drop serious money.
Men spend approximately 52 per cent more on Christmas presents for their women than women do on men.
Hey, those Sears catalogue iron board covers ain’t cheap you know.
Thursday, November 17th, 2011
Could it really be true that Canada’s cuddliest lesbian lookalike, Justin Bieber is actually a spoiled little brat?
During one of the breaks between songs at the recording of a T.V. special, a sound engineer asked Biebs if he could soundcheck his mic. The reply came back, “No you can’t. This is my stage, I tell YOU what the f**k happens on it.”
Turned out his mic was working fine after all as his little tantrum was broadcast to the studio audience.
Meanwhile, the person who has been following Little Lord Beibster around and annoying him has finally backed off. I suppose Penn State’s Jerry Sandusky had bigger fish to fry.
Friday, November 4th, 2011
You may have noticed Michael Moore popping up on TV recently to ally hinself with Occupy Wall Street protesters.
I would be surprised to see him bed down and join the protest fully, though.
Recently Moore was on a promtional trip in London
He and his wife were flown first class and asked to be put up at the Ritz.
Bosses agreed- he is, after all, a very successful filmaker and entitled to a little luxury now and again-but this wasn’t really in keeping with his “Man Of The People” persona.
Early each morning, he was driven to a markedly more down market three star hotel nearby, which is where he would do his press.
Moore is like the man who murdered both of his parents then pleaded for mercy on grounds he was an orphan.