“I can’t believe the screaming, topless girls doing body shots weren’t interested in the riveting story of how I gave up chocolate for Lent.”

“Sure it smells like pee in the air, but it’s a dry pee.”

“This is the one day of the year we act like jazz doesn’t suck.”

“Hey, my liver is swollen and sensitive to the touch…AWESOME!”

“Actually, the REAL name for Mardi Gras is “Shrove Tuesday. You see, in the Bible…Hey, put me down! Don’t stuff me in that trash can.”

You’re an Oakland Raiders fan, so you were meeting with your parole officer.

You’re still in therapy from the LAST time you happened to catch a glimpse of Madonna’s hooh hah!

You played a drinking game where you took a shot whenever Chris Collinsworth marveled at Tom Brady’s ‘awareness in the pocket” and died of alcohol poisoning two minutes into the game.

You had a whole DVR full of episodes of  “Say Yes To The Dress” to catch up on.

You wanted to spend time with your family. Kidding! You totally watched it!