“Anyone know what I can do with all this excess money I have?”

“I wish Tim Tebow would take the time to mention Jesus once in a while.”

“Shhh. I think Snooki is finally going to give us her solution for ending the Middle East crisis.”

“Okay Occupy Ottawa protesters..we give up! You can have Confederation Park.”

“Move over, Justin Bieber, Billy Ocean is BACK!”

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Men might procrastinate on buying gifts. men might not always buy the perfect thing. And men may not have a reputation for buying THOUGHTFUL Christmas gifts, but dammit…at least men are willing to drop serious money.

Men spend approximately 52 per cent more on Christmas presents for their women than women do on men.

Hey, those Sears catalogue iron board covers ain’t cheap you know.

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Could it really be true that Canada’s cuddliest lesbian lookalike, Justin Bieber is actually a spoiled little brat?

During one of the breaks between songs at the recording of a T.V. special, a sound engineer asked Biebs if he could soundcheck his mic. The reply came back, “No you can’t. This is my stage, I tell YOU what the f**k happens on it.”

Turned out his mic was working fine after all as his little tantrum was broadcast to the studio audience.

Meanwhile, the person who has been following Little Lord Beibster around and annoying him has finally backed off. I suppose Penn State’s Jerry Sandusky had bigger fish to fry.

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You may have noticed Michael Moore popping up on TV recently to ally hinself with Occupy Wall Street protesters.

I would be surprised to see him bed down and join the protest fully, though.

Recently Moore was on a promtional trip in London

He and his wife were flown first class and asked to be put up at the Ritz.

Bosses agreed- he is, after all, a very successful filmaker and entitled to a little luxury now and again-but this wasn’t really in keeping with his “Man Of The People” persona.

Early each morning, he was driven to a markedly more down market three star hotel nearby, which is where he would do his press.

Moore is like the man who murdered both of his parents then pleaded for mercy on grounds he was an orphan.

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At a British charity auction over the weekend, Ronnie Wood bought a dinner date with Scarlett Johansson for $41,000. He actually got into a bidding war with another guy for it, and in the end, even though Ronnie won, the two men decided to split the cost and make it a three way.  British bookies are already taking bets on where the date will take place. The favourite spot so far?  

Bentley’s Oyster Bar
No girl would fail to be impressed with oysters and champagne. This is one of London’s finest restaurants, first opened in 1916 and enjoying its 21st Century revival. Ronnie and his companions can savour the best shellfish aphrodisiac in town. Might save Ronnie and his 57 year old buddy a few bucks on the Viagra!

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Mark Hamill turned 60 this week. What would it be like if his “Star Wars” character did the same?

Things You’d See If Luke Skywalker Was A Senior Citizen.

He’d blow up the Death Star with a single fart.

He would need to use the Force to lift his testicles.

He’d always be plowing his Landspeeder into a crowded farmer’s market.

He’d be standing at his door yelling, “You Ewoks get off my lawn!”

His Jedi robe would be specially tailored to be hiked up to his armpits.

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Inspired by Chaz Bono, half the guys on the offensive line were women this time last year.

The defensive line psyches itself up before games by watching “The Notebook”.

The pads they wear include shoulder, elbow…and maxi.

They’re sure if they sign Terrell Owens, he won’t be a locker room cancer. Because hey, ninth time is the charm right?

Their helmets feature a lion.

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One of the world’s richest men, Warren Buffet, suggested that the wealthy should pay their fair share of taxes.  Dick Cheney then immediately shot him in the face.

Worst Things About Being Rich.

Neighbours complaining about the smell eminating from your oil moat.

When your first wife, your second wife and your new trophy wife all show up at the country club in the same outfit. AWKWARD!

Losing one of your chinchilla socks in the dryer.

When there’s a baby you want, but for some reason, the mother is being a real jerk about selling it to you.

Housekeepers who forget to take birth control.

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Here are the numbers on Bono and company’s record setting tour.

134 crew members.

11 babies born to the crew

2 crew weddings

12 bus drivers

126 truck drivers.

53 gigs attended by a single fan.

9,760 guitar strings utilized.

92,270 meals fed to working staff and guests.

29,000 T-shirts given to local stagehands.

400 tons: The weight of the fully loaded “claw” stage.

10 million people watched a live stream of the band’s show at the Rose Bowl on You Tube.

320,000 fans saw 360 in Mexico City.

110 concerts played in front of 7.1 million fans in 30 countries.

The entire tour grossed $730 million. which works out to one dollar for each time Bono said something pretentious or self righteous.

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ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2011 EUROPE : BY JOHN CLEESE
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya and
have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon,
though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit
Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea
supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to
“A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance”
warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
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The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the
Bastards.” They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been
used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
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The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert
level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are
“Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that
destroyed France ‘s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s
military capability.
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Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to
“Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat
Operations” and “Change Sides.”
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The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to
“Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels:
“Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose.”
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Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they
are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .
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The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These
beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a
really good look at the old Spanish navy.
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Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to
“She’ll be alright, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think
we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is canceled.” So
far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
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– John Cleese – British writer, actor and tall person

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