Things Overheard At Mardi Gras.
February 21st, 2012 by Cosmo
“I can’t believe the screaming, topless girls doing body shots weren’t interested in the riveting story of how I gave up chocolate for Lent.”
“Sure it smells like pee in the air, but it’s a dry pee.”
“This is the one day of the year we act like jazz doesn’t suck.”
“Hey, my liver is swollen and sensitive to the touch…AWESOME!”
“Actually, the REAL name for Mardi Gras is “Shrove Tuesday. You see, in the Bible…Hey, put me down! Don’t stuff me in that trash can.”
Reasons You Didn’t Watch The Super Bowl.
February 6th, 2012 by Cosmo
You’re an Oakland Raiders fan, so you were meeting with your parole officer.
You’re still in therapy from the LAST time you happened to catch a glimpse of Madonna’s hooh hah!
You played a drinking game where you took a shot whenever Chris Collinsworth marveled at Tom Brady’s ‘awareness in the pocket” and died of alcohol poisoning two minutes into the game.
You had a whole DVR full of episodes of “Say Yes To The Dress” to catch up on.
You wanted to spend time with your family. Kidding! You totally watched it!
Comments You Won’t Hear in 2012
January 3rd, 2012 by Cosmo
“Anyone know what I can do with all this excess money I have?”
“I wish Tim Tebow would take the time to mention Jesus once in a while.”
“Shhh. I think Snooki is finally going to give us her solution for ending the Middle East crisis.”
“Okay Occupy Ottawa protesters..we give up! You can have Confederation Park.”
“Move over, Justin Bieber, Billy Ocean is BACK!”
Men spend more on women than women spend on men. Well duh!
December 12th, 2011 by Cosmo
Men might procrastinate on buying gifts. men might not always buy the perfect thing. And men may not have a reputation for buying THOUGHTFUL Christmas gifts, but dammit…at least men are willing to drop serious money.
Men spend approximately 52 per cent more on Christmas presents for their women than women do on men.
Hey, those Sears catalogue iron board covers ain’t cheap you know.
Beiber The Diva!
November 17th, 2011 by Cosmo
Could it really be true that Canada’s cuddliest lesbian lookalike, Justin Bieber is actually a spoiled little brat?
During one of the breaks between songs at the recording of a T.V. special, a sound engineer asked Biebs if he could soundcheck his mic. The reply came back, “No you can’t. This is my stage, I tell YOU what the f**k happens on it.”
Turned out his mic was working fine after all as his little tantrum was broadcast to the studio audience.
Meanwhile, the person who has been following Little Lord Beibster around and annoying him has finally backed off. I suppose Penn State’s Jerry Sandusky had bigger fish to fry.
Moore ain’t poor!
November 4th, 2011 by Cosmo
You may have noticed Michael Moore popping up on TV recently to ally hinself with Occupy Wall Street protesters.
I would be surprised to see him bed down and join the protest fully, though.
Recently Moore was on a promtional trip in London
He and his wife were flown first class and asked to be put up at the Ritz.
Bosses agreed- he is, after all, a very successful filmaker and entitled to a little luxury now and again-but this wasn’t really in keeping with his “Man Of The People” persona.
Early each morning, he was driven to a markedly more down market three star hotel nearby, which is where he would do his press.
Moore is like the man who murdered both of his parents then pleaded for mercy on grounds he was an orphan.
Ronnie Bags A Scarlett!
October 18th, 2011 by Cosmo
At a British charity auction over the weekend, Ronnie Wood bought a dinner date with Scarlett Johansson for $41,000. He actually got into a bidding war with another guy for it, and in the end, even though Ronnie won, the two men decided to split the cost and make it a three way. British bookies are already taking bets on where the date will take place. The favourite spot so far?
Bentley’s Oyster Bar
No girl would fail to be impressed with oysters and champagne. This is one of London’s finest restaurants, first opened in 1916 and enjoying its 21st Century revival. Ronnie and his companions can savour the best shellfish aphrodisiac in town. Might save Ronnie and his 57 year old buddy a few bucks on the Viagra!
When Luke Skywalker Becomes A Senior Citizen.
September 27th, 2011 by Cosmo
Mark Hamill turned 60 this week. What would it be like if his “Star Wars” character did the same?
Things You’d See If Luke Skywalker Was A Senior Citizen.
He’d blow up the Death Star with a single fart.
He would need to use the Force to lift his testicles.
He’d always be plowing his Landspeeder into a crowded farmer’s market.
He’d be standing at his door yelling, “You Ewoks get off my lawn!”
His Jedi robe would be specially tailored to be hiked up to his armpits.
Signs Your NFL Team will suck this year.
September 8th, 2011 by Cosmo
Inspired by Chaz Bono, half the guys on the offensive line were women this time last year.
The defensive line psyches itself up before games by watching “The Notebook”.
The pads they wear include shoulder, elbow…and maxi.
They’re sure if they sign Terrell Owens, he won’t be a locker room cancer. Because hey, ninth time is the charm right?
Their helmets feature a lion.
Worst Things About Being Rich.
August 17th, 2011 by Cosmo
One of the world’s richest men, Warren Buffet, suggested that the wealthy should pay their fair share of taxes. Dick Cheney then immediately shot him in the face.
Worst Things About Being Rich.
Neighbours complaining about the smell eminating from your oil moat.
When your first wife, your second wife and your new trophy wife all show up at the country club in the same outfit. AWKWARD!
Losing one of your chinchilla socks in the dryer.
When there’s a baby you want, but for some reason, the mother is being a real jerk about selling it to you.
Housekeepers who forget to take birth control.